Yesterday I started to note also all of non-Destonian videos and texts that I process, in order for others to be more informed about all the aspects of my Desteni related participation during the day. One of the videos that I watched yesterday was our weekly national television political report called "Globus". I record three pieces of information when I log every blog post or video that I watch, namely the author/source/channel name, the video/post title and the URL. While copy/pasting the name of the TV show to my spreadsheet, I have put myself in the shoes of the person who might watched the show and understood it as not being informative enough in order for the person to gain perspective what the show is about and if it is related to Desteni process. Thus I have added to the name of the show "Globus" also the description in the brackets "(National TV weekly international political news report)".
Now when my eyes caught this description line, there was a reaction. I immediately stopped with listening the Desteni video and decided without mercy to track back "the devil". The first thought behind the emotional reaction that I brought here was that others might interpret my detailed description of TV show as self-praise, thus they will judge me and not accept me. When I went step further in order to expose why would I want to be afraid of this, I found out the desire to be accepted by others. I wanted to prove to others that I am worth of acceptance since I have become such an exemplary Destonian, giving all the best to follow the guidelines of Desteni administration, so I also research the political system by watching the political shows. But the origin of this desire is the fear that I will not be accepted by the Desteni group, that is based on Definition that Desteni group as something more, that is based on my self-accepted believe.
The basic reason for all this is in lack of self-trust due to accepted and allowed personality patterns that I accepted in the past years of my life. Since my father is a choleric dictator, I learned that the best way of me getting what I want (money, things that I desired), and to avoid what I do not want (emotional and physical violence from my father), was to suppress myself, to be quiet and to do what my father wanted me to do. And the same relationship exist even today between me and my father. I still visit him and work for him a few times per week and he still expects me to read his mind and to do exactly what he wants and exactly the way he imagines, without using many words to describe what he wants. Thus this personality pattern is also evident while participating at Desteni. I try not to comment much, not to express myself fully, since I do not want any reactions from others.
But all the fear of being judged from others is based in lack of self-trust. I allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself for many years, allowing personal opinions of others to become the sacred truth and thus learned not to stand up for what I perceived is right/best for all. I have allowed injustice/imbalance/inequality in order to survive in this system where the winner takes it all, where the one that is more powerful destroys all those that are week, if they do not become the slaves of the powerful. Thus I need to align my starting point of creating the Record of participation from wanting to prove to others that I am worth of acceptance and to protecting my current personality/ego, into practical recording in order to equally share the information and support others in the process of exposing what we have become as the systems.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and compromise myself by allowing force and energy of others to direct my life and to become a slave, instead of unconditionally directing myself in alignment with all life as one and equal.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on support of others, developing the need to hear opinions of others and to seek approval of my actions, instead of relying on myself in total honesty, trusting myself unconditionally and do what is best for all.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the level of my self-expression, fearing what others might think of me, instead of realizing that if I act in total self-trust, it is not important what others think, since when I am one with all life and support all life, the emotional reactions of others are based on their ego/mind/systems that are not life and are thus agains life and are not worth of being regarded.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as insignificant being who has no power in this word, that I need to be born in certain blood line or rich family with influential connections, instead of realizing that when I stand as equal and one with all life, there is no system/energy/force that is more powerful than me, since I support all the existence and all the existence supports me back equally.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the systems to rule this word and to destroy the life, taking the feelings and emotions as the energetic reward for becoming the obedient slave/battery/engine of the systems, instead of realizing that the systems do not consider life as one and equal, they only protect their self-interest, wanting more and more energy and thus bringing creation out of balance, thus they need to be removed/aligned with the principle of equality in order for balance/heaven on earth to be restored.