For example at history class we were to remember a lot of year and dates in relation to some major world events. The resistance to learning such information was there since firstly I was not given any example how memorizing this kind of information will benefit my life and how I would be practically be able to use this information in my future years of life, and secondly because I was aware that basically everything that is taught in schools is a lie as the history is written by winners in wars, thus it shows only limited perspective on what happend and the whole school curriculum is used to create certain mentality of the citizens so that they are in sort of hypnosis, not being aware and thus also not caring about what currently exists in this world.
So now I am studying information that is from more reliable source and is in best interest of all the humanity but I still have this resistance and lack of motivation. The first fact that creates resistance in me is that we are learning information in English but later I will be mostly or only be using this information in our national Slovenian language. Thus I will have to then firstly translate the texts and then learn the Slovenian text by hearth. I don't know if I will later even again be practically using the English memorized information in real life so I find it kind a waste of time to lear it in English.
The second point is that we are to learn and memorize text by hearth where every single word is very specific and important. I always had a resistance towards memorizing information by hearth, like poems in the primary school and mathematical equations and it was also due to lack of motivation. And generally, as many other peers experience, I had problems with learning due to ineffective schooling system where there were too much children in one class, the method of teaching was ineffective and we were all terrorized and threatened with low grades and punishments, so the whole schooling experience was very unpleasant and stressful.
Where I now have to learn new information, the learning environment is much more kind and supportive, however there is still a time pressure, conditioning and money pressure. It would be cool to learn if there would be no deadline and if I would live in a system where my survival would be unconditionally guaranteed. However I am taking this class due to money motivation and fear motivation and my success in the class will also result in my succes of being able to earn money and thus guarantee my survival in this system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my past experiences of schooling to influence my new experience of learning instead of effectively breathing, staying here, focusing on the material and integrating it successfully.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be angry at class organizers who demand from me to learn information in English and not my local Slovenian language, instead of realizing that at this stage the learning of the knowledge involves participants from all parts of the world who also have different native languages and we all have to use the most used language which is English in order to communicate effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to loose motivation to learn the information in English due to believing that I will not be able to apply it in my everyday life, instead of realizing that also if I learn something in foreign language, I can explain and translate information to anybody in real time and that learning this way is the only way where I can be supported and given experience of structured learning that I will then be able to share with others in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear that I will in the future forget the information that I will be spending hours to learn and that there must be more effective way of use of my time, instead of trusting myself and pushing through the resistance as I am at this time not able to motivate and direct myself effectively.
