Day 203: When nobody is looking

Currently, I struggle with motivating myself to do some tasks that I determined would be the best use of my current position and potentials and would contribute greatly to creating a world that is best for all. The tasks where I do not experience much of resistance is investing up to two hours of my time each day in the morning to work on perfecting my vocabulary. And 6 days ago I also added the task of reading aloud one post from the blog of Bernard Poolman from the oldest post onward. That is of course additionally to my other tasks of morning routine like drinking herbal tea with zeolite, speaking gratitude statements, and doing the Five Tibetan Rites before I have my fruit salat for the breakfast. However, when I proceed to do my business-related tasks I find myself in the difficulty of focused and consistent movements.

I have a long list of things that I plan to do business-wise in my Nirvana productivity app. But when I look at the list, I already face the challenge of deciding what to do next. I noticed that the sole fact that I manage my task on the computer is already something that creates a specific feeling of intangibility and indefiniteness. I have been using computers as my main tool for decades. And I like it from the perspective that I can store and retrieve extremely vast quantity of information and share it with others all over the globe. However, it also makes me less grounded and is attracting my curiosity to research all the available information that I have access to by using it. I am currently observing my level of addiction to using social media and watching videos and I am not happy about my current state in regards to that. I am looking into how to ground myself more and one way is to work using analog tools. I have purchased a set of new notebooks that I am using now to place my thoughts onto paper with a pen. So far I have been writing my process blog post exclusively in a digital format to an online blog like this one. And now I plan to do additional and preliminary writings also to my paper notebook.

I learned that there is a big difference between writing by hand and typing words using a keyboard. Specific neural pathways are supposed to be formed and information imprinted strongly into the brain when writing with a pen to paper. This is because a more complex and natural movement of hand and fingers is being used where the hand is pulling a pen in all sorts of directions with different speed and pressure. Typing words on a computer is far less expressive since one has to target and hit a specific key with a specific finger with the same force in order to type the words. The keyboard is a superior writing interface to a pen and creates more discomfort and anxiety. Yet the downside of writing by hand is that information can not be copied, backed up, stored, retrieved, and shared so quickly and easily and it consumes physical space. Nowadays hybrid options are available like touch screens that enable handwriting with a stylus, digital paper pads, and electronic pens that record handwriting on paper and convert it into a digital form for conversion into typed text. I will be experimenting with these options in order to see what works best for me.

Besides the challenges of using specific tools for my work, there is an even deeper layer of contributing factors that slows down my movement. It is about my primary self-definition, my life purpose, and the personality character that I have developed into. I feel deep shame for functioning as someone who is addicted to impressing and shocking others by sharing secret and advanced information while not actually integrating it to the level of full comprehension. I feel so stupid because I am listening, watching, and reading so much of different information yet I am incapable of uttering it to others in a way for them to comprehend me. And I find my reactions of envy and spite towards others evil to the point of not deserving to live. I have been so defined by relationships to others in a negative way that I am finding it hard to function on my own, motivate myself, and be sincerely driven by the principle of what is best for all life. What also needs to change is my relationship to the money and to create stability in using all possible means of exchange.

In general, I see that the development of digital technologies has contributed to me becoming more restless and my mind stimulated since it is basically its external manifestation. Being used to others telling me what to do or not do, I lost my will and courage to express myself creatively. While currently reading a book by a Slovenian author with the criticism of the public educational system, I have realized that I have not been suppressed only by my family environment but also by having to endure the torture of forced schooling. And now with global plandemic terrorism, the challenges that we face have become even greater. After watching some documentaries recently about the development of robots, artificial intelligence, and deep fake technologies, I am a bit concerned about what the future will bring. There are new threats emerging along with the progress of technology and it is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize and neutralize them. So it also I question how much time per day to spend with learning about the increasingly complex and fast-moving global society and how to successfully and in time adapt to it in order to survive.

Since I live and work alone in my apartment I am from time to time wondering what to do in order to be more motivated to do things that I find tiresome. But when considering the options of getting a cat, a girlfriend, or a co-worker, I also see the downsides of someone being with me in my apartment. While someone else would add to the dynamic of my relationships, they would also make it more complex and disturbing. Recently I have been experimenting with accountability partners where I asked some of my peers to meet me online in order to support each other with doing what each of us wants to do. That did give me more confidence however it also added to the complexity of my work environment. I started to ask myself how much if at all I require some outside stimulation to move me into executing what my business goals are. The conclusion has been that ultimately it would be best for myself to develop the ability of consistent self-movement and to use the tools of writing to remove all the limitations that prevent me from becoming someone like that.

All that I need to do is to continue releasing myself from the attachment to positive and negative energies of the mind. That translates to end seeking any kind of outside validation of what I am and doing and to genuinely do what is best for all life, even when nobody is looking. I need to develop pristine self-expression and take proper care of all aspects of my private and business life. I have to increase my focus, ground myself more, and restrain myself from all kinds of selfish temptations inwards and outwards that consume my precious life potential.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Lethargy: Introduction
Lethargy: Domino Effect
Lethargy: A Physical Experience
Lethargy: The Gifts Within
Lethargy: Looking Ahead
Lethargy: Self Forgiveness
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Lethargy
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness
Empowering Yourself Instead of Depending on Others

Day 125: Tired of life

A point I observed within myself recently was how I become tired about the things that are waiting for me to be done in the future. So many times throughout the day I would feel like heavy circles around the eyes, a tiredness that makes me want to rest and take a nap. I looked for a supportive Eqafe interview and there was one that addressed exactly that point titled Tired Eyes from Reptilians series.

I listened to the interview and it was explained that the feeling of tiredness around the eyes appear due to perception that you are in a kind of trapped position, forced to do something that you do not want to to. So I asked myself how does this apply to my case and become aware that I what I am doing some sort of mission where I limit my self expression and repeat daily cycles of activities that suppress me. I am living a character of martyr where I expose all the bad stuff in this world and sacrifice myself by dedicating my life to be an example of solution. At first glance it is just ok with wanting to improve this world but when it becomes a sort of prison it does not feel very nice. Thus I am looking at this point within the need of transforming my activities in order not to feel like I am sacrificing my life and wasting my life potential for doing only the hard stuff instead of enjoying and having fun. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see the reality of what is here. I realize that instead of investigating how reality works, I have limited my perception to the very small bubble of my personal reality and tried to live in separation which is actually not possible. Thus I commit myself to open my eyes and see the whole reality, research all the relationships, interdependencies, and walk my life in the consideration of all the parts of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become tiredness and after certain period of doing certain tasks to feel tired so that I have to stop, take a nap and regenerate. I realize that life as the physical does not need rest and never gets tired. The only thing that requires regeneration is the mind which mines the energy from the physical. Thus I commit myself to release myself from the mind, to stop being the energy and become one and equal with the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel tiredness to go into my mind and make a revision of all the things that I have already done today in order to calculate if I have done enough work in order to qualify for being tired. And then when I conclude that I have done quite a lot of work, to justify the feeling of tiredness and decide that I can now rest since I am fully entitled to do so. I realize that by thinking over what all I have done and been thinking about today, I allow my mind to become directive principle of my life by producing more and more thoughts that actually suck the life force out of my physical body. Thus I commit myself to when I a feeling of tiredness accumulates to carefully see if it is actually physical tiredness or is it just the mind craving for more energy. Then I would breathe through the energetic feeling of energy and continue working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired of life instead of realizing that what I am tired of is actually not life but the mine, pretending to be life. I realize that children are full of life and only by introduction of limitations from parents and educations system, the minds starts to develop and thus suppressing the will to live since one is no allowed anymore to express themselves freely. Thus I commit myself to look into myself, become aware of all the accepted and allowed limitation patters and release them one after another in order to again become free and looking forward to everything that existence brings into my life.

Suggested related audios to listen:

Tired Eyes

Mental Tiredness vs. Physical Tiredness

Lethargy