Day 125: Tired of life

A point I observed within myself recently was how I become tired about the things that are waiting for me to be done in the future. So many times throughout the day I would feel like heavy circles around the eyes, a tiredness that makes me want to rest and take a nap. I looked for a supportive Eqafe interview and there was one that addressed exactly that point titled Tired Eyes from Reptilians series.

I listened to the interview and it was explained that the feeling of tiredness around the eyes appear due to perception that you are in a kind of trapped position, forced to do something that you do not want to to. So I asked myself how does this apply to my case and become aware that I what I am doing some sort of mission where I limit my self expression and repeat daily cycles of activities that suppress me. I am living a character of martyr where I expose all the bad stuff in this world and sacrifice myself by dedicating my life to be an example of solution. At first glance it is just ok with wanting to improve this world but when it becomes a sort of prison it does not feel very nice. Thus I am looking at this point within the need of transforming my activities in order not to feel like I am sacrificing my life and wasting my life potential for doing only the hard stuff instead of enjoying and having fun. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see the reality of what is here. I realize that instead of investigating how reality works, I have limited my perception to the very small bubble of my personal reality and tried to live in separation which is actually not possible. Thus I commit myself to open my eyes and see the whole reality, research all the relationships, interdependencies, and walk my life in the consideration of all the parts of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become tiredness and after certain period of doing certain tasks to feel tired so that I have to stop, take a nap and regenerate. I realize that life as the physical does not need rest and never gets tired. The only thing that requires regeneration is the mind which mines the energy from the physical. Thus I commit myself to release myself from the mind, to stop being the energy and become one and equal with the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I feel tiredness to go into my mind and make a revision of all the things that I have already done today in order to calculate if I have done enough work in order to qualify for being tired. And then when I conclude that I have done quite a lot of work, to justify the feeling of tiredness and decide that I can now rest since I am fully entitled to do so. I realize that by thinking over what all I have done and been thinking about today, I allow my mind to become directive principle of my life by producing more and more thoughts that actually suck the life force out of my physical body. Thus I commit myself to when I a feeling of tiredness accumulates to carefully see if it is actually physical tiredness or is it just the mind craving for more energy. Then I would breathe through the energetic feeling of energy and continue working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired of life instead of realizing that what I am tired of is actually not life but the mine, pretending to be life. I realize that children are full of life and only by introduction of limitations from parents and educations system, the minds starts to develop and thus suppressing the will to live since one is no allowed anymore to express themselves freely. Thus I commit myself to look into myself, become aware of all the accepted and allowed limitation patters and release them one after another in order to again become free and looking forward to everything that existence brings into my life.

Suggested related audios to listen:

Tired Eyes

Mental Tiredness vs. Physical Tiredness

Lethargy

Day 61: Illusion of everything is OK

It is interesting, how many people that I spoke to would like to live quiet simple life, without caring for others. They say that others have their own karma and they need their own experiences in order to grow. And the bigger the life struggles, the bigger the motivation to change and improve life. This is mostly true, since some are like in a state of sleep and unaware of what is going on on this world until some big problem happens.

But can't here be another way? Why can not take care for each other in spite living a relative great life? The mind energies of good feelings and limited range of our human senses keeps us in the state of separation and not realizing the consequences of our actions. And so much distractions, like TV, radio, ads, magazines and other people who want attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be in state of contentment due to illusion of separation and resting and doing nothing much to change in this world and thus allowing the cycle of invisible abuse to continue.

I commit myself to constantly be aware of the real situation and motivate myself to move myself towards creating the world system where a dignified life for all will be guaranteed.

Day 10: My sleeping sensations and perceptions

Post for Day 9 is in my Slovenian blog

In the couple of previous blog posts I analysed my sleeping habits and believes. Today my girlfriend shared another information or belief that each hour of sleep before midnight counts double comparing to each hour of slee after midnight. So for example if one goes to sleep at 10 pm, the first two hours of sleep count as four hours of sleep or as much as sleeping from 12 pm to 4 am. I don't know if this is a fact or if this really is true, but this motivated me in considering that I should also try getting to bed earlier and also waking up earlier. Thus today I will go to sleep at about 10 pm and see what will be the effect.

But now I want to write also abut my sleeping sensations. It was about 6 years ago when I started to notice a moving sensation when falling into sleep. When I firstly encountered this, I believed that I am experiencing an earthquake and I became frightened. After couple of similar experiences I became used to this sensation and began to understood what was really going on. The fact is that physical body is constantly shaking and vibrating or pulsating, but we somehow do not register that. The shaking is due to pulsation of the hearth or pumping blood throughout the entire body.

Think about this! Human body is quite large comparing to most of animal species and all the cells in every part of the body need a flow of fresh blood. It is about 2 meters from toes to top of the head and each part needs to be reached. It takes a massive force to pump the blood and hearth is doing this action by contracting and expanding approximately once or twice every single second. Every time when blood is pushed through the veins, the shockwave is created that shakes entire body. So couple of years ago, when I laid down into bed, within the process of falling into sleep I slowly started to feel this vibrations. And now this has become a standard sensation basically every time I go to bed or even lay down just for a short rest.

The next perception in regards sleeping is even more strange and somehow frustrating. It is about perception of time. The experience of time is very different and relative to motivation and also physical movement through the space. It is also very different to being awake and being asleep or unconscious. What bugs me the most is that sometimes when I go to bed for my famous 20 minute midday nap, I set the clock to ring after 20 minutes. Then I relax and wait for the clock to ring. Sometimes when it rings, I perceive it like just 3 second have past since I went to bed and not 20 minutes! So the time duration of sleep somehow does not really matte.

What basically creates the effect of being rested is very specific event that happens during the rest. I observed it for many times and it is like this. Firstly I lay down and totally relax every all the muscles on my body. Then I usually start to feel shaking of the body, like a gentle earthquake. Then after certain time, a transitions occurs where I feel like a weight would be lifted from within my body or my body would become lighter and also my mind clearer. From stage of mind activity and thinking, I would transfer in a stage of no thought but just awareness and presence.

So during my midday nap, the main objective is to experience this sensation of transition from heaviness to lightness where I would become refreshed or reset and ready for a new action. But during the night sleep I guess there is a bit different process going on. But it makes sense that sleeping habits can be improved and thus maximum relaxation and regeneration achieved by using as little of sleeping time possible. This will be my challenge to research and implement in order to make more of my daily potentials.