Day 176: My difficult flatmate finally moved out

For 2 years I have been living with a female flatmate in a 50 square meters large apartment. We shared the dining room with a kitchen and a bathroom and each of us had our own living room with a bed. She initially moved in with her ex-boyfriends and before that, they both lived in a very small room within the apartment next to mine. Before they moved into our apartment building with a shared backyard and a garden I have met her a couple of times personally. It was she who initially contacted me via Facebook after finding my self-support vlogs on my YouTube channel. She was seeking support due to her emotional and mental state. So when she and her boyfriend moved into our building, I had an expectation that she will be open to my support and will begin the intensive process of self-transformation. However, she had big resistance, had intensive emotional episodes and almost never came out out of her room.

Initially, that girl had a very strong attachment to physical intimacy and was not able to fall asleep if at least one person did not sleep near her bed. In times when her boyfriend was away for a couple of days, she asked a friend or a neighbor to come sleeping in her room or she asked them if she can sleep on a floor in near their bed. I found out that that was because she was used to living with her parents in a very small apartment where she did not have her own room so she basically slept with her parents to her quite high age. Her parents were very possessive, they did not want her to ever leave them and wanted her to remain their child forever. Consequently, she did not develop proper social skills and to be able to function in this society independently. Eventually, she resisted their parents, left home and was so far in a couple of unsatisfying relationships with boys. She also told me how her parents fought a lot and were in conflict with basically all of the neighbors in the village. 

When she initially contacted me I found her very cute and did not know if she was in a relationship or not. Then when I met her in person at an event I asked her about that and she told me that she is with a boy however I should ask him about the nature of their relationship. So I did speak to that boy and he explained that they are in some sort of uncommitted relationship. Despite that, I decided not to interfere in their relationship since did not want to be responsible for a breakup. Also when they moved into our building, I respected that and supported her only with friendly conversations. However, after her boyfriend broke up with her, she asked me if I would be fine with her sleeping in my bedroom and I gave her permission. Overtime her desire for physical closeness increased and that was the stage where we had to look at the point of sexuality.

Regardless of how much she craved for the physical intimacy, she did not want to treat it as anything sexual. The reason for that was that she was terrified of getting pregnant and having a child because she considered herself as being only a child. Her level of emotional and psychological development was so low that she never had a job and lived only form social support money. She had very low self-esteem, also due to her problems with digestion and some other health problems. In the past 3 years, she made some steps forward since I supported her in getting used to sleeping alone in her bedroom and she started to go out more. A couple of months back she found herself a new boyfriend and he started to visit her in her room. When she moved out he also assisted her to pack her belongings and to move the furniture out so that the room could be repainted.

The reason for her moving out was because her basic communication pattern was only to complain about the problems in her life and this world. She also has been accusing me and all the neighbors for how she felt about herself and also committed some minor physical attacks. Usually the day after her outburst she apologized to those that she hurt, however, after some time the pattern repeated. Due to complaints, the landlord gave her a deadline for moving out. It is now a week since she moved out from the time I am writing this post and I feel massive relief since I no longer have to worry about someone attacking me on a daily basis. However, I have not been taking everything that I experienced with my ex-flatmate as one of her own faults. Sure she had her part of the responsibility and she did change quite a bit however I do understand that it takes time to change own behavior patterns.

I can say that we both learned a lot from our relationship. She learned from my own example of how to maintain a clear and orderly style of living and how to support self with writing. And I learned how deeply the traumatic experiences from childhood can be rooted and how the change in behavior takes a lot of time despite a very supportive environment. Thus despite some girl looking attractive to me visually, she can be holding past experiences that create conflicts in a life partnership. In the past, I have been attracted to girls that displayed problematic behavior and I desired to be in a relationship with them in order to fix and save them. But I have learned that such relationships are very compromising in terms of my mental state, health, and business success. So now I would rather live alone and enjoy the peace that suffering conflicts just to be in a relationship with someone.

Suggested related supportive educational audios:

Family and Friends
A Mother's Love of Guilt
The Crazy Mother
Who's Responsible for the Enslavement of Mankind
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
Releasing Trauma

Day 25: Relationship breakup self-forgiveness

In the previous two posts of this blog I wrote about my decision to break up with my girlfriend that lived with me for about 4 years. In this post I will take self-responsibility for my decisions in regards to this relationship and correct my behavior patterns in order not to do the same mistakes again.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel hurt and disappointed since my first girlfriend after three years of living together left me instead of realizing that the reason was not me hurting her in any way but her desire to be in relationship where her partner would abuse her as here father abused her on a daily basis.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to initiate any relationship with girls since I did not want to be hurt again and rather waited for the girls to initiate contact with me instead of realizing that rejection is a part of life and that it is best to stay emotionally stable regardless if a girl rejects or accepts me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to indulge my last girlfriend who made a lot of effort to become my partner for constantly calling me and sending me messages for over a year and then accepted her in spite of initially not liking her very much instead of realizing that person who has issues by accepting NO will also be incapable of equal communication in the long run.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel good when my last girlfriend praised my body details and told me how incredible and beautiful I am instead of realizing that physical obsession is never a good starting point of a relationship and that what makes relationship work is ability of both partners to effectively communicate and understand each other execute what is mutually agreed.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for so long for my last girlfriend to start her process of inner transformation instead of realizing that her reluctance is so strong that she will not start the process unless I break up with her and leave her to face the consequences of her mind patterns on her own.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to see how being in a relationship with I person who thinks that money is the root of all evil and that lot of money automatically corrupts you is influencing me to such extent that even I have started to experience problems with earning money instead of realizing this issue sooner and split with the person with such limiting believes.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be afraid of connecting with girls that I like since by comparing my body with movie actors and magazine celebrities I defined my body as less attractive and thus not being worthy of relationship with the girls who I find attractive instead of realizing that what body shape is not what others are attracted by but the confidence and self-esteem that one expresses by non-verbal communication.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to live my life from the state of passive observer and admire achievements of others, believing that I am incapable of achieving high goals due to my physical looks instead of realizing that even people with strong disabilities have been able to do amazing things and thus I am also more than able to achieve much more that I currently perceive to be my limits.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be paralyzed by the energy of fear and stop in moving forward instead of accepting any challenge in my life as an opportunity to grow and expand by looking deep inside me and pointing out what kind of accepted believe is creating this inner conflict and energy of fear and removing it with assistance of self forgiveness.
   
   
10. I commit myself to open myself to opportunity of meeting a more supportive partner in my life and testing her level of ability and preparedness of becoming my agreement where we would both actively walk our process and support each other as equals.
    
    
11. I commit myself to when and as I see a girl that I like, I breathe and remain here and not allow for her physical characteristics to overwhelm me but engage in the conversation as equals and then by asking questions find out if we she has a thinking patterns compatible with mine to the level that is worth of engaging in a relationship.