Day 186: The role of beauty in online dating

I wrote in my previous post about a woman that I started to date online and after I met her in person I decided that we would not be a great match. After that, I continued with online dating and connected with a quite unusual profile. I usually do not send messages to profiles where I suspect that photos are fake and I completely ignore profiles without even one photo. When I stumbled upon this profile, it had a photo of a smiling girl with long blond hair however it was in a very low resolution which already made me suspicious. I later made a reverse online search of the profile photo and it returned two results, one connected to a profile of some kind of adult service industry so I concluded that it is probably fake. The profile name was similar to one of Hollywood movies which were in a way quite creative. And she described herself with words in her profile as a very attractive beautiful woman that definitely has no problem getting someone for sex however she wants to find a romantic man that would be a good friend for her with the potential of becoming a long-term partner.

That description definitely made sense to me since I have also researched the point about the existence of physical attraction and beauty in the past and produced a vlog in the Slovenian language. So equally to how some have problems with feeling unattractive and struggling to connect with others, some have the opposite challenge due to just the shape of their physical body experiencing too much of attention from others. And I know that it is very common that such women get hit intensely by men who then show to be very jealous and possessive towards them which creates a lot of conflict and pain in a relationship. However, I have never been jealous in regards to my girlfriends and have imagined how I would actually be a good partner for very attractive women since I would treat them as equals, as who they are as a being, seeing them beyond the mask from flesh and bones. Actually, I had experience with some girl that fit this description quite good, we were partners at Kriya Tantra class for two years, we tried to become also life partners but proved that she was extremely emotionally reactive so we parted.

So I was very pleasantly surprised that this blond woman wrote back to me at the dating website and said that based on my profile it seems that I am the only normal man there. We started to communicate firstly via the chat function at the dating website and then soon transitioned to texting via the Viber app. Also there she had a different picture of a woman with blond hair but with a completely blurred face and a profile name of some animal species. She herself even suggested that I am definitely wondering why she has her face blurred and why she is hiding her actual looks however that was in fact not very important for me at that time. For the first couple of days during the week, she was quite busy with work and had not a lot of time to communicate with me. However, during the weekend, she spent time relaxing at her mountain cottage and we exchanged a lot of information.

It looked very promising at the beginning and I was surprised about her ability her wide perspective about the global events and deep understanding of life. I discovered that not many people with good looks develop into intellectuals since their physical attraction is what they mostly use to get what they want in their lives. Thus I enjoyed very much communicating with this blond woman and sharing a lot of supportive information and resources that I stumble upon since I am walking on the path of self-perfection. She said that her father is very into spirituality, aliens, the afterlife and global politics so it made sense that she is also quite open about it. After I asked her if she also has a Facebook profile she said yes, however, that it is also a fake one and used only to check other profiles there.

Eventually, she expressed her thoughts about also started to communicate via the phone or possibly even meeting face to face. However she immediately also said that she fears that after I hear or see her that could change our relationship. Days went by and we still just continued with texting. Soon she again became busy with work and explained how she frequently has to relax by going to a spa or to have a retreat in the mountains. She never expands what she actually does for her business however she did say she is freelancing and managing some business projects that require her to also travel abroad often. That she lived in the USA for some time but then decided to return back to Slovenia. Here she has her own apartment but uses it also as a retreat and never invites any man to spend the night there with her.

Then another woman also contacted me via the dating website and she had some photos which pointed out that she has more courage about showing her face and body. We also started to text firstly there, transitioned to Messanger soon and then we already had our very long voice conversation. I wanted to be open about that and informed the blond girl that I have started to communicate with another girl. Because of my purpose with dating actually is finding a life partner and I am not interested in just chatting for hours and hours with someone who wants to be anonymous. So I asked the blond girl if what she thinks about also ourselves having a phone conversation or meeting live. Surprisingly she soon after that responded that she wants to end communicating with me since I hurt her feelings a day before by suggesting her to see if possibly she has OCD since she also explained how she is disinfecting objects that she uses on a regular basis in order to kill all the bacteria.

That was quite surprising for me since I imagined that based on her level of awareness she would by now know that each of us is responsible for our emotional reactions and accusing others to be the cause of how we feel in the act of projection and self-dishonesty. I wrote her back with my perspective on the situation however the message at this moment still shows as being unread and it seems like she blocked me on Viber. I can just guess what actually influenced her to stop communicating with me. I see that it could be a point of jealousy due to the start of talking to a new girl, her own fears of exposing herself to others, her work-related stress, and she also mentioned how she is looking for a more influential and powerful man and I currently really do not fit that description. I think she was not fit for my desired form of a relationship where partners treat each other as equals and wanted someone different.

Additional related supportive educational audios:
Escaping from the Harshness of Reality into the Beauty of Nature
You are Gorgeous
Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover
War of Women
Appearances Aren't Everything
Warped Self Image
Appearances
The Consciousness of the Peacock

Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

It came up with discussion with my Desteni I Process course buddy that it would be beneficial for me to write about how I experience myself towards man and towards woman. I started to write this post with intention to focus only on my experiences towards men first but then I noticed that I am actually writing how I experience myself as a man towards woman. So I will be writing about men in the following post.

Starting with my school memories I definitely felt like an outsider, someone who does not fit in and does not understand why others behave like they do. That is because firstly by father did not allow me to socialise, go out and mingle in the evenings and weekends due to fear that I will be bullied the same way like he was by his classmates. And than by father was also an example of individualistic person who was not able to work in a team due to his own low self-esteem and the need to prove himself, constantly craving for attention of others. The third factor was how I was treated as the first born son who was expected to be serious, responsible, intelligent and an example to my younger brother. Additional influence was the fact that my father started our family business where I was constantly pushed to work very hard and for long hours.

So until age of 24 my life has been so occupied with activities and directed by my father that I basically did not have any time to think about who I am, who I have become and to develop any ambition for my personal life as a man. Basically it did not matter that I was a male since all what counted in my life is how I perform as the oldest child and employe. In a way, my role towards my father was more like a pet. I was to listen and obey the orders and get treats and if not, I was punished. It was by pure coincidence that I met my first girlfriend during a visit of our business partner. What connected us was the fact that we were in a very similar position as the oldest child in the family and facing the same terror by our fathers who run the family business. It was basically a coalition to join forces in the fight for our freedom and human right. The problem was that I was conditioned so much that I lacked the strong many character that she needed and she was also emotionally damaged to the level where she was played by her father like a piano.

After my first girlfriend left me, I started to research human psychology and that pulled me into another rabbit hole of discovering the grater picture of existence. My self-definition as a man was then also put under question after I discovered that in my previous life I was a female. Understanding that I play only a temporary role as a men in this life influenced me in questioning how much I should identify myself with a male character since I am a living being beyond the two human sexes. I learned that sexes exist also on the level of primary beings that emerged from the planets. However some beings came into existence in a synthetic manner and I have not yet ordered my Sound Symbol & Beingness Signature Drawings in order to find out how I came into existence. The point is that despite of finding myself in my male human physical body, I did never put much attention into fitting any general definition of a male and presenting myself towards other as a male. My relationship towards other is more like towards fellow sexless children of god.

Of course I do experience sexual needs and like to have sex with women, however my primary life mission is not focused on finding a wife and having children. I enjoy being alone and when I am not in a relationship with a woman, I use masturbation purely as a tool to satisfy my sexual needs to the level where they do not distract my attention form passionately progressing towards discovering all the secrets of life and existence. I did made myself available by creating profiles on many online and mobile dating web sites and I do respond to any request in timely manner. And I also do searches and send messages to the profiles I like. However I just recently restated with more active online dating activities after about 3 years of being single again. I definitely learned many things from my past relationships and I have changed and raised my criteria and minimal standards about the women that I am willing to start dating. I am not interested anymore in emotional drama and until some girl who is willing and capable to walk a relationship with me as one end equal contacts me, I prefer staying single.

Currently I am also developing new business plan for myself that will hopefully provide me with a stable income. Well I learned that things in business do change faster than ever so I do not expect any business to be stable for ever, but at least I want to develop some business to a level where I will be able to pay of my debt and have my monthly expenses more than covered. This is also why I am currently not willing to spend more time to date in terms of also physically going out or approaching females that I meet in person. Being now age of 43 I find myself in a bit strange relationship position. This is because most of women my age already are in a relationship or are separated and have their own children. I know that children demand a lot of attention and that there is a totally different relationship dynamic when dating a woman with a child, especially if their ex is still alive and is paying visits to his ex female partner and their children. And for the single girls of my age it is so that they mostly look exhausted and old, their ability to safely birth children is running out and they have set their ways. Considering that my partner will have a lot to catching up to do and that I do want my own kinds without any additional baggage, I will obviously have to get a much younger girl which is also a challenge of its own since not many are looking to date much older guy.

I see having enough money as a basis to fulfil my dating and relationship plans regardless what kind of woman I will hook up with. However on the other hand I also do not feel the rush of making money because I enjoy living current comfortable life where my basic needs are met and I feel free and without any much stress, able to learn and discover new things. Being single has also its own benefits and considering that god is one and that we are all parts of the god, finding us in the illusion of separation, moving back to oneness, I wonder why even bother with creating attachments to any life partner in a human physical body that has a relative short life span. Bottom line is that I am committed to bringing us together so I am not lonely and am free to bond with any individual that I meet. Regardless what life will bring, I know that it is my sole responsibility to feel fulfilled, to forgive myself any illusion of lack and that whatever will happen, I plan to leave this physical existence with as little regret as possible.

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