Day 186: The role of beauty in online dating

I wrote in my previous post about a woman that I started to date online and after I met her in person I decided that we would not be a great match. After that, I continued with online dating and connected with a quite unusual profile. I usually do not send messages to profiles where I suspect that photos are fake and I completely ignore profiles without even one photo. When I stumbled upon this profile, it had a photo of a smiling girl with long blond hair however it was in a very low resolution which already made me suspicious. I later made a reverse online search of the profile photo and it returned two results, one connected to a profile of some kind of adult service industry so I concluded that it is probably fake. The profile name was similar to one of Hollywood movies which were in a way quite creative. And she described herself with words in her profile as a very attractive beautiful woman that definitely has no problem getting someone for sex however she wants to find a romantic man that would be a good friend for her with the potential of becoming a long-term partner.

That description definitely made sense to me since I have also researched the point about the existence of physical attraction and beauty in the past and produced a vlog in the Slovenian language. So equally to how some have problems with feeling unattractive and struggling to connect with others, some have the opposite challenge due to just the shape of their physical body experiencing too much of attention from others. And I know that it is very common that such women get hit intensely by men who then show to be very jealous and possessive towards them which creates a lot of conflict and pain in a relationship. However, I have never been jealous in regards to my girlfriends and have imagined how I would actually be a good partner for very attractive women since I would treat them as equals, as who they are as a being, seeing them beyond the mask from flesh and bones. Actually, I had experience with some girl that fit this description quite good, we were partners at Kriya Tantra class for two years, we tried to become also life partners but proved that she was extremely emotionally reactive so we parted.

So I was very pleasantly surprised that this blond woman wrote back to me at the dating website and said that based on my profile it seems that I am the only normal man there. We started to communicate firstly via the chat function at the dating website and then soon transitioned to texting via the Viber app. Also there she had a different picture of a woman with blond hair but with a completely blurred face and a profile name of some animal species. She herself even suggested that I am definitely wondering why she has her face blurred and why she is hiding her actual looks however that was in fact not very important for me at that time. For the first couple of days during the week, she was quite busy with work and had not a lot of time to communicate with me. However, during the weekend, she spent time relaxing at her mountain cottage and we exchanged a lot of information.

It looked very promising at the beginning and I was surprised about her ability her wide perspective about the global events and deep understanding of life. I discovered that not many people with good looks develop into intellectuals since their physical attraction is what they mostly use to get what they want in their lives. Thus I enjoyed very much communicating with this blond woman and sharing a lot of supportive information and resources that I stumble upon since I am walking on the path of self-perfection. She said that her father is very into spirituality, aliens, the afterlife and global politics so it made sense that she is also quite open about it. After I asked her if she also has a Facebook profile she said yes, however, that it is also a fake one and used only to check other profiles there.

Eventually, she expressed her thoughts about also started to communicate via the phone or possibly even meeting face to face. However she immediately also said that she fears that after I hear or see her that could change our relationship. Days went by and we still just continued with texting. Soon she again became busy with work and explained how she frequently has to relax by going to a spa or to have a retreat in the mountains. She never expands what she actually does for her business however she did say she is freelancing and managing some business projects that require her to also travel abroad often. That she lived in the USA for some time but then decided to return back to Slovenia. Here she has her own apartment but uses it also as a retreat and never invites any man to spend the night there with her.

Then another woman also contacted me via the dating website and she had some photos which pointed out that she has more courage about showing her face and body. We also started to text firstly there, transitioned to Messanger soon and then we already had our very long voice conversation. I wanted to be open about that and informed the blond girl that I have started to communicate with another girl. Because of my purpose with dating actually is finding a life partner and I am not interested in just chatting for hours and hours with someone who wants to be anonymous. So I asked the blond girl if what she thinks about also ourselves having a phone conversation or meeting live. Surprisingly she soon after that responded that she wants to end communicating with me since I hurt her feelings a day before by suggesting her to see if possibly she has OCD since she also explained how she is disinfecting objects that she uses on a regular basis in order to kill all the bacteria.

That was quite surprising for me since I imagined that based on her level of awareness she would by now know that each of us is responsible for our emotional reactions and accusing others to be the cause of how we feel in the act of projection and self-dishonesty. I wrote her back with my perspective on the situation however the message at this moment still shows as being unread and it seems like she blocked me on Viber. I can just guess what actually influenced her to stop communicating with me. I see that it could be a point of jealousy due to the start of talking to a new girl, her own fears of exposing herself to others, her work-related stress, and she also mentioned how she is looking for a more influential and powerful man and I currently really do not fit that description. I think she was not fit for my desired form of a relationship where partners treat each other as equals and wanted someone different.

Additional related supportive educational audios:
Escaping from the Harshness of Reality into the Beauty of Nature
You are Gorgeous
Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover
War of Women
Appearances Aren't Everything
Warped Self Image
Appearances
The Consciousness of the Peacock

Day 164: Fear due to increased public exposure

Recently I have become a candidate for Slovenian parliament on behalf of one of the new political parties. The president of the party sent me a friendship request after I liked their Facebook page. Soon after that, we had a personal meeting at my home where he invited me to become their candidate and represent their agenda in the parliament possibly or even become a minister. I definitely am interested in politics since I want to make this world the best place for all. In the recent years, I joined one of the newest political parties in Slovenia, however, there was no real movement. My friends and I even attempted to establish our own political party, however, we lacked the motivation and resources to even gather 100 signatures of supporters to register it. I did not research much in detail how the political system in our country works and I have never imagined becoming a member of parliament. I wonder if I have what it takes to be in such demanding, responsible and exposed position. And I sense how a kind of subconscious fear started to creep in due to the potential of being scrutinized by public media.

The political party that I started to represent has a very advanced program and not a lot of people resonate with what it stands for. It consists of members that show by their own example how it is possible to change and how to live a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. Established political parties have a lot of control over public media and use it as a tool to diminish any new party that starts to compete with them. So the strategy of our party is to address that 60% of the population that do not attend elections since none of the programs of existing parties is attractive enough to them. And we are also instructed not to criticise anything from the past or other political parties. The plan is to connect with local organic stores, Yoga societies, and similar organizations who are able to fully resonate with our program and will definitely vote for what we stand for. We are also the only party that is equally represented in terms of sex since we have one female and one male president and one female and one male vice-president.

Our party so far has participated only in one public confrontation which was hosted by our national TV station. Presidents of all political parties in Slovenia were assembled in the studio and given just a couple of dozen seconds to answer questions of the hosts. Our male president was also there and was given a visibly shorter written review of his speech than presidents of other parties. Three days ago we had the first party meeting in the middle of capital city forest park where all the candidates for the parliament were presented and the event was covered by the national TV. I found out that our female president was during this event quite in shock because she had an interview where one of the reporters asked her a question about the party where the program of the party was diminished and made fun of. That made me think how well I would respond if being in the same position since I definitely do not want to be laughed at or made fun of by public media.

In past decades I went through a radical personal transformation from a very shy unsocialized introvert who could barely speak and feared criticism into an outspoken blogger and vlogger who mastered many fears and is willing to expand even more. Despite producing over 500 vlogs in the past 3 years I have been noticed by media only several months ago and invited to 3 interviews at one of the Slovenian commercial TV stations. However, I was able to speak even about the most advanced esoteric knowledge which surprised even myself. Of course, at those interviews I have been speaking about that I was an expert at and was not expected to memorize a lot of specific information. However, as the politician, I assume that I would be expected to learn many historical data about our country and to know the constitution, country and international laws by heart. And memorizing a lot of exact data is not what I am very fun of. Also until now I have studied politics more from a global and secret esoteric perspective and did not follow local political happenings very much.

So now I will be facing some of the subconscious and mind patterns that can trigger reactions of fear using tools learned at the Desteni I Process online courses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously when interviewed by public media. I realize that when one is becoming more of a public figure media will want to know more about them in order to satisfy the curiosity of the masses. However, even such influential people as the president of USA is being ridiculed by even most popular comedy shows and yet he proves how it is possible any opinion from whoever not to be taken personally. Thus I commit myself when someone, especially a reporter of the most influential media is interviewing me and my mind is producing thought like: “It is inappropriate to ask me any disrespectful questions in the attempt to trigger an emotional reaction in me.” to stop and breathe. In such cases I stay true to myself, speak openly based on the principle of equality and what is best for all and not care what others think about me since most are their projections of own limiting mind patterns, limitations, and separations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that becoming member of parliament is a function that I will not be able to handle due to current lack of knowledge of national legislation and international politics. I realize that whatever challenge I have faced so far, I proved to myself that I am capable of acquiring necessary knowledge and skills in order to perform my function with great excellence. And above all, I have been in the past years developing a strong integrity which is the most important quality in a political position so I definitely have something to offer. Thus I commit myself to when and as I think about becoming a politician and my mind is producing thought like: “You have little experience in politics and you are definitely incapable to know or learn what it takes to be part of a parliament!” to stop and breathe. I then rather start to study parts of the legislation and the current political situation with my own pace and prepare myself in the best way possible to be as ready for my job as I am capable of.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried what my father will think about me and that he will be ashamed of me if I go into politics and then make some mistake that will be blown out of proportions by media. I realize that while my father still wrongly considers me an extension of him and wants to be proud of me, it is his responsibility to face his lack of self-confidence and projections of his inferiority onto me. Thus when and as I am facing to be portrayed by public media as a loser and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, what will my father think of me!” to stop and breathe. Then within awareness that parents are the one that instills the most limitations into their children, I disregard my family relationships based on self-interest and act from the starting point of what is best for all life in the long term. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a serious person that has to be addressed with all the respect, especially when I am in a role of a politician on highest position. I realize that better than respect based on the position it is far more sustainable to earn the respect of others by your own deeds and action that are best for all. Thus when and as I am in conversation with someone and my mind starts to produce thoughts like: “They better respect me and talk to me according to my formal position or I will show them how nasty I can be!” to stop and breathe. I then rather communicate with anyone with consideration of their own state of mind and within the realization that we will all die and leave our bodies and physical possessions behind. The only thing that will count is how much we have made progress in facing limitations of our own mind, how much we have transcended our self-interest and what is the long-term outflow of our actions on other living beings while we were making decisions in this physical realm.

For all who are in a political position or are planning to enter the politics but have fears, I recommend to take the free online course DIP Lite and listen to many supportive audios from Eqafe related to politics especially the one titled What Your Mind Doesn't Want You to Know About Fear of Authority.

Day 116: Got sick

Days 113 to 116 are in my Slovenian blog

Five days ago on Saturday morning I had a business presentation for the product that I am selling. It all went relatively I was late 10 minutes for the meeting however their location was not in the GPS correctly anyway. Initially they expected to have a meeting outside in front of the house, however since it was still quite cold, I suggested that we move inside the house which we did. Interior was not very clean since they had a very big dog and you know how it is if you have and animal in the house. The presentation that takes usually up to two hours has stretched to three and a half hours however they did not immediately decide to buy the product so I left the contract there and gave them one month to decide and benefit from the discount.

I don't remember if it was the same or the next day when I started to experience sore throat. I considered it to be due to giving a very long presentation and extensive speech thus my vocal cords got overused. However this was strange since it was not the first time I have such a long talk and never have I experienced such pain.

The next day I focused on updating one of my web sites and I was quite focused, better to say obsessed with finishing all required details by the evening. And when I went to bed the throat condition got worse. I experienced irritation in the throat thus my mouth constantly produced saliva and I had to swallow very frequently. However whenever I would swallow I would experience great pain in my throat. So I struggled all the night very much and did not sleep a lot.

The next evening the pain in my throat diminished a bit however I felt extremely cold. I turned on the heater and covered myself with two blankets and I felt still like freezing. Well in couple of hours the condition went to other direction. I became hot, extremely hot. Thus I uncovered myself completely and then also sickness appeared. I also started to experience vertigo or spinning in my head. Then the sickness became so strong I had to vomit.

The third day the pain in my throat was gone and I got nasal congestion. It started to pour out of my nose extensively and I used all my napkins. From the first day I got sick I decided not to eat anything and to drink also a herbal tea with lots of lemon. However I expected to get better faster than I actually is my speed of recovery. Today is the fourth day and also the nose condition stabilized itself completely. Now I wonder what was actually the cause for me getting so sick. It could be the accumulation of several things.

Two days before I did a presentation I went to visit my grandmother who also became very ill and started to vomit. The next day she was accepted to the hospital and they removed some stones from her belly. Then I am a bit worried about how to get enough money until the end of the month to pay my rent. Then I am disappointed about my landlord since she still did not fixed the leaking roof of my apartment after several months of discovering the leak. Then I was worrying if the person who promised me to assist in my business will keep her word, bus she is not answering my phone calls and emails for three days now.

All this with a lot of minor point could accumulate to the cause of me getting sick. So I must be more careful about my thought management not to go out of balance so much again. It is strange how much our physical body depends on mental condition. And how thought in our heads are so fast and intangible that they are quite hard to direct. However I will have to keep it going and direct my thought more firmly since as has been proven many times, the thoughts then start to direct me eventually.