Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman
After 4 years of being single again I decided to restart dating several months ago. Since computers have been my main professional creative tool it was natural for me to firstly engage in online dating. So I researched what are the best national and international dating web sites and mobile apps and have created my profile. My experience so far is that this kind of dating is quite practical in terms of having the ability to search for a proper partner based on different criteria. However the downsides are that there are a lot of fake profiles and scam attempts, it costs money to pay for subscriptions and many of people who are single even do not have any dating profile. Since currently I am living on social support and have not yet established a sufficient stable monthly income I have not been able to pay for online dating subscriptions and could thus not contact girls who indicated that they like my profile. So until I make some more money I have decided to rather engage in live dating.
I do not like going out in terms of visiting bars and clubs since there is loud music that makes conversation hard and I also do not want to meet someone who smokes, takes drugs or drinks alcohol. So I simply wanted to see if some girl will attract my attention during my usual routines of taking walks and exercising in the gym. And so I did in the past months noticed some runners who crossed my path and some girls at the gym however it never came to the point of me actually speaking to them. There were many thoughts in my mind that prevented me to take any practical action.
The first justification was very existential and that is why should I not simply be satisfied with what I am and continue to enjoy the benefits of being single instead of engaging in all kinds the drama related to being in a relationship with another person. Because experience of begin single and experience of being in a relationship have both upsides and downsides. Why not just continue being aware of my breath, enjoying myself in the current surrounding, being creative and having a lot of free time while living a simple life? Why disturbing my inner peace by allowing myself to become attracted to some girl outside of myself and making my life much more complicated than it currently is, especially if we would have kids for example?
However what I noticed within me is that I have become tired of being single and that I would like to experience again the benefits of being in a relationship and also having my own kids for many reasons. Because for example much more can be done in collaboration with another person that you can fully trust in and not to forgets the benefits of experiencing sex in many ways. And especially having own children is a very unique experience because the interactions with a being that is slowly growing and learning can make you think more about the meaning and potentials of life. So this is why I not so long ago decided that I shall experience also having my own family. However here again this experience is related to money and I do not feel comfortable engaging in a relationship without sorting out my money issues first. And I see this happening very soon because my friends and I are creating a new business that should make us a lot of profit.
Other point that I am facing with when approaching women is how to choose which is the one. Obvious factors are the way how someone looks and moves. There are some girls who I find very attractive or beautiful. I am still not sure why it is that certain face features are attractive and represent beauty and some are not and can be described as ugly. Because we all have heads and two eyes and a mouth and a nose somewhere in the middle. I am baffled with the fact that different ratios and positioning of face features can act as being attractive or repulsive. And I am also uncomfortable with such polarity since I do not want to be attached to anything outside of me in terms of falling in love with a beautiful girl. I do not want to long for someone and feel the lack because someone that I love is not close to me. And than there is also fear of loss because that girl can die soon or someone else can steal it from me due her beauty. But not only that, also she can feel uncomfortable thinking that I am with here only due to her looks and her fear of loosing me would increase with age when her beauty starts to disappear.
Women then also have different preferences about men if of course I disregard lesbians and bisexuals. But generally a classical type of men is a muscular and rich man who would be a good provider, protector and will guarantee a safe environment for his woman and children. From the perspective of biology this makes sense because women are the one who birth new life and during the pregnancy they are much more vulnerable than man. And comparing to men their bodies are also generally smaller and less powerful. So typical men represent power and stability and women represent creativity and beauty. Thus it looks like men are competing who will reproduce with the most beautiful women and they are competing for the most powerful men. It is all about the survival of the fittest and evolution of the human race if we look the whole dating scene from pure biological perspective.
Then there are anomalies when individuals transcend such primitive attraction and change their preferences about their perfect partner. Some fall for intelligence, some strive for someone who wants to live close to nature, and there are all kind of qualities that some are seeking in their partner. When meeting someone their body language, facial expression, the way they talk and dress can to certain level reflect their non-physical qualities. However first impressions can sometimes be deceiving since many wear masks and hide who they truly are. So it usually takes many months or even years before you are able to know true nature of someone that you consider as a potential partner. Thus dating takes a lot of time and other resources and it is quite a nuisance when after years of time invested you discover that your partner is not sufficiently compatible with you to be able to spend the rest of your life with them.
I learned that in some culture parents are the ones who pick wives for their sons. Maybe because they feel more competent in selecting the best match due to much more life experiences. And there are also other factors because when two get married this is not only a union of two individuals but a merger of a two whole family clans. Especially on top levels like kings they have picked their queens from all kind of strategical political and financial interests. So marriage is not just a two individuals deciding to live together and maybe have kids but is also involves legal dimension about ownership of assets that are transferred from generation to generation. Certain kinds of marriages even considers women as a liability that must be purchased from the parents. And a state marriage also involves social protection programs where children are legally owned by a state and can be taken away if parents do not meet certain criteria.
Other threats that having a family is also creating is infiltration and extortion. When you are in a relationship with someone a bond is created, ways are set and a life partnership is like a small business where two are setting goals and collaborating towards their fulfilment. Thus both need to work as one in order to avoid any conflict. While you might know who you are and what you want, it is possible that your partner can be influenced by ideas of some other individuals who want you to fail in your personal and business life. Your partner can turn into double agent and counteract your efforts. Someone can also use your spouse and children to threaten and extort you. Your family members can be kidnapped and tortured in exchange for money or in exchange for some other favour. So when you decide to stop being single and create a family, life can get very complicated and besides many potentials it also brings many dangers.
Besides all that things can also take undesired route in other ways. For example you spouse or kids can get very sick, maybe even terminally ill. They can get get hurt in accidents, loose parts of their bodies, ability to move and perform mentally. All kinds of things imaginable and beyond imagination can happen that are far from your ideal plans of having a partner and a family. Thus while it is cool to have plans in life and to know what you want, it is also important to stay aware that one can control only few things in life and everything else will be a result of actions of billions of other being that each of us share this existence with. This is why I am now going to look at some of my related mind patterns and transform them so that my mind will be aligned with the reality as much as possible:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to forget that life is far from ideals in fairytales and that no one lives happily forever after without any challenges. I realise that in every single moment a lot of things can happen that can turn my life upside down and completely change my options. I commit myself to when and as I wake up in the morning and mind is producing thought like: “Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday so just carry on with your daily routine and everything will be fine.” to stop and breathe. I then rather live the day within awareness that I can not possibly know what will happen in the next moment and to be in constant readiness for the unexpected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear approaching girls that I find attractive due to believe that they will have power over me and will use their beauty to manipulate with me. I realise that I have also been using many tactics of manipulation from my birth on to get what I want from my parents, friends and partners. While beauty of my physical body was not my main asset to attract others, I have been using other skills like knowledge, information and ingenuity to satisfy my personal interests. I commit myself to when and as I notice some girl that I find physically attractive and my mind goes like: “She is too beautiful for me and I bet that she will completely enchant me. She will use her spells to take all my money from me and eventually leave me for someone else so I must stay away from her.” I then engage in casual conversation with her while being aware that each of us has different assets that others can benefit from and that there are women out there who seek exactly what I have to offer. So it is just a mater of being patient and test as many women as possible until I meet a proper match for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women who are physically attractive can easily get everything they want and are the only one who exploit others. I realise that while they definitely got more attention from men than less attractive women, they might have also suffered abuse and can be in fear that others want them just for their good looks that will eventually disappear with age. I commit myself to when and as I see some good looking women and my thought are like: “She has the whole world on a golden platter and absolutely no problems. Good for her!” to stop and breathe. I then create relationship with girls in consideration that each of us is incarnated in a different physical body with different talents that all have their upsides and downsides. I thus treat everyone as one end equal, knowing that we all need to use our assets as best as possible in order to survive in this world since the situation is far from everyone being taken care unconditionally for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women only from the perspective of my self-interest in terms of imagining how I will be able to have sex with them and how they will give birth to my children instead of treating them as equal human being. I realise that women are not here just to satisfy the needs of man and that women also have their own desires that we man can fulfil in mutual and equal satisfaction. I commit myself to when and as I see a woman and I think: “Sole purpose of women is to give sexual pleasures to men and birth children so I must pick one that I will have the most pleasurable sex with and will provide me with healthy offspring.” to stop and breathe. I then approach women with awareness that they equally enjoy sex and care to find a proper partner that will offer necessary support for them and the children that will come through them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching women when I am not dressed elegantly due to believe that the first impression is most important and that I need to initially visually present myself as a successful and respectful member of society. I realise that while clothes can assist you in impressing others, what women respond to most is the level of self-confidence and being persistent. I commit myself to when and as I meet a women and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, she is so charming and I am not very well dressed so best not to embarrass myself by even trying to speak to her.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in conversation with awareness that I am not my clothes and that it is important to be constant in thoughts, words and actions regardless what shape and colours of fabric I put on top of my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged because I have not been able to move when noticing some attractive girl due to becoming paralysed by all kinds of energies of feelings and emotions. I realise that every skill needs to be developed and I have not been practicing life dating at all. And equally like I have developed any other skill that I currently master, I can become master of approaching even the most attractive women that I notice. I commit myself to gradually engage in casual conversation firstly with less attractive girls and then slowly progress to speaking with more attractive ones until I will completely loose any fear and will become comfortable speaking even with the beauty queen of the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others only when I wanted something from them instead of regularly making casual conversations with complete strangers and thus getting to know others without any expectations. I realise that I have been mostly communicating with others online and only in terms of achieving certain agenda thus I am lacking live social skills that are necessary to function properly as a productive member of society. I commit myself to not only engage in conversation with women that I like and with those that I want something from them, but also with all others since we all need to become more friendly towards each others. Thus I am now using every single opportunity to speak with others even if it is to exchange nothing more than an opinion about the current weather situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of approaching women in my current condition of living in a small room with a single bedroom that is not very impressive if some girl would want to see where and how I live. I realise that initial dating can be performed in nature and public places like bars, clubs, restaurants and similar for many weeks before inviting someone home. And it is not so unusual for single people to live in small apartments and then only move to bigger place with a partner that they decide to live together with. I commit myself to when and as I notice an attractive girl and my thoughts are: “Such I shame that I live in a small room with single bed since I will not be able to invite her home immediately and have sex with her in a large bed.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in starting to knowing her since I could find out very quick that we are not a good match and even if we would decide to have sex very soon, she might have a bigger and more comfortable bed at her place or we can do it in a rented hotel room or even in the car, on the floor or anywhere we find it appropriate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about approaching perspective partners since I live on a social support money and can not afford at this time to pay for some expensive dinners or gifts. I realise that dating does not need to be expensive and that others are able to understand that people some times find themselves in between careers. I commit myself to when and as I want to date someone and my mind goes like: “This is a total no go since it will cost a lot of money that I currently do not have.” to stop and breathe. I then start dating, explain my current situation, my past and my future plans and see how it goes.
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