Day 215: Update on the pain in my back and elbow

The pain in the middle of my back, as described in my previous post, started to gradually dissipate with time. However, it intensified a couple of days before I was to travel to Vienna for a 6-day Tree Climbing Course Level B. That created worry about whether I would be able to take part in the course, and I have been wondering even about cancelling my participation in the course. Last time when I attended the Level A course, I was able to pack the inversion table in my car in order to use it every day for back pain relief. However, this time I had much more climbing and rigging equipment with me, and there was no space left to take the inversion table with me. I took a gamble and departed for Vienna, and luckily the 2nd day of the course, the back pain was gone, and it did not come back again, not even in the weeks that followed after I returned home.

I got a slight back pain a week ago, but it was not located in the lower back, but in the middle of my back, below the scapula, where the limitation system is located. The pain started to emerge slowly, and I correlated it with my thought patterns at the time. I have been thinking about how the fall season started and how it is not good to prune trees during the period of releasing the leaves. Consequently, I was not sure if I would be getting enough orders to earn the money for fixed monthly expenses and by January 2026 save enough money to pay for the certified European Tree Worker course, which is one of my goals. However, that pain went away in a couple of days after I did some self-reflection on that point and aligned myself again with the fact that I am able to find work and earn money very quickly.

The next chronic pain point that I have been facing for about 2 months is the pain in my right elbow. I already wrote about such a point two posts ago however, at that time it manifested at my left elbow. Initially, I considered that pain as the consequence of doing two physically very exhausting pruning projects. The first one was in regards to a large old cherry tree where I spent 8 hours in the canopy and 15 total working hours the first day, and 6 hours of ground work the following day, where I would, towards the end, hold a top-handle chainsaw in my right hand while cutting thick branches to hundreds of firewood logs. And in the following week, I completed 4 projects, including pruning and partial removal of a cypress hedge that took 8 hours in total. During that time, I held my right hand raised high while holding a battery pruner for several hours.

Since the pain in my right hand persisted for a long period of time, I concluded that I had overburdened specific muscles and that I simply needed to give them enough time in order for sufficient healing to take place. But now it has already been 3 months after those two exhausting projects took place, and I started to become suspicious that there is some other reason for that pain. There is also a psychological aspect to the large old cherry tree project since I also was not paid for it as initially expected. When I visited the client after the project was completed, she somehow expected a lower sum to pay, which was not aligned with my hourly rate that I had informed her about in the beginning. She also had a company related to trees, and I expected a fair and honest attitude, but she diminished the value of my work. At the end, we established a middle ground, but I was still disappointed about losing some income.

I have again read the article about how the elbow points represent our structural resonance controlled direction antennas, referred to also as the The Choice System order to make sense of it. So let me take a look at how I am currently experiencing pre-programming of my life and the illusion of choice while I am in the system, where the main program is survival. What I conclude is that I am keeping a detailed record of income and expenses, account balances, fixed monthly expenses, and planned expenses. In terms of survival, I am constantly estimating how many months my current savings can keep me afloat in case I do not have and new income. This reflects in my motivation to get new jobs and earn more money. And then I also made investment plans in order to develop myself professionally and progress towards offering a higher quality of my services.

At the beginning of next year, I plan to invest in training and testing in order to complete certification for the European Tree Worker. I calculated how much money and time I would have to invest, and currently I only have enough savings to cover that expenses if I disregard fixed monthly expenses. So I would have to, in the following 2 months, additionally get at least the same amount of money just to break even. In terms of the possibilities of how to get the money, I am currently focused only on earning money by offering my arboricultural services. I am aware that there are countless possibilities of getting the money, but I do not want to think about them. I am getting frequent phone calls with invitations to different investments, but I consider them very risky. Getting new jobs in my line of business is relatively easy, and the money is practically guaranteed, but it is still a business of exchanging time for money and thus enables a limited possible highest monthly income. 

Currently, we are entering the season of fall, in which it is typical that tree climbers are starting to experience a reduced amount of orders, and there is usually even less work for them in the winter. Also, it is not recommended to prune deciduous trees while they are in the phase of releasing their leaves. During this phase, it would be best if people would call me for tree removals, and I am wondering how many of them will consider this and create sufficient orders for me. Thus, there is constant worry about how things will turn out and what actions to take in order to guarantee survival. But at the end, I am confident enough in my ability to earn money, and of course, there is also the option to terminate my business and again start to receive unemployment benefits from the government. And if I look at my situation from the holistic perspective, I can conclude that I have entered this illusion of separation and I am able to exit it any time I decide to and leave everything behind, including the system of survival altogether.

But there is also another point where I am considering my main movement altogether. Regardless of what I do, no matter where I am and with whom I am in contact, there is always the same underlying point of experiencing myself and others as systems with thinking and acting patterns. So I have been wondering if arboriculture should actually be my main occupation, or am I by deciding for it compromising and limiting myself due to the system of survival. I have been considering what other paths I could take in order to have a greater impact in this world in terms of assisting me and others to remove all points of separation from our minds faster and with greater efficiency. For example, I could be part of a group that develops an AI agent, like there already exist many of them in the form of virtual psychotherapists and life coaches. Because I see how many people struggle and suffer for years circling in the same patterns of coping, self-abuse, and conflictual relationships, and having resistance to using tools as Desteni I Process.

There, however, are also many other Destonians who have picked many different main occupations, like art, and are walking through the process of self-perfection at the same time. And considering how many different jobs I took in the past, I do not want to be known as someone who, after a couple of years working on something, changes direction and lacks professional consistency. I have tried before to work as a life coach in order to assist others with Desteni tools and resources; however, I concluded that listening to problems of others burdened me too much. I could also consider a point of savior that was my pattern in the past, where I was focused on saving others instead of saving myself by being focused on my own issues. So it definitely is the best if working on oneself is the priority, and then by being an example of how one is able to change, I then influence others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait so long that the point of separation manifests as physical body pain or other form of physical manifestation instead of processing points regularly while they are still on the level of information and energy. I commit myself to whenever I sense a point of separation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “This point is so small and it would be a waste of time if you do writing or quantum self-forgiveness.” to stop such thoughts, write down the point in my small notebook. I commit myself to constantly paying attention to my thinking patterns and processing them regularly in an effective way in order to prevent the manifestation of any physical body pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in watching movies for several hours per day instead of investing time in myself by doing more writing. I commit myself to whenever I feel blue and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are not in any pain, so there is no urgent need to do any writing, and you are free to relax and enjoy watching some movies.” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to reducing the amount of time that I spend on watching movies and dedicate more time to self-reflect and process a greater number of points that are located on deeper levels of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by social media and different online content instead of paying attention to what is happening inside me. I commit myself to whenever I feel blue and my mind is producing thoughts like: “In any instance that you feel bored quickly turn on the phone, check social messages, emails, and at least short YouTube videos in order to entertain yourself.” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to prioritising staying here and rather look around myself in order to see how I can improve my physical surroundings, instead of escaping into virtual reality.

Day 215: Change in chronic resonant condition

Since two years ago ever so slight pain persisted in my lower back that extended towards the right side. This pain would often increase or reactivate when I would prune or remove tall trees using climbing ropes and a tree harness or saddle. About a month ago a noticed that this pain point went away and I have not felt any pain in that lower right back area no matter how physically exhausting work I would perform.

A week ago I new pain activated in my lower back in a quite surprising event. I went up to the attic to collect the dried laundry. Then I went downstairs with the laundry basket until I reached the doors of the  1st floor hallway. I opend the door, went through it and closed it. A moment after that I started to think if I have turned the attic light off because the switch was right behind the door that I closed and I was not sure if I flipped the switch before I opened the door or not.

I started to think if I should bother to open the door again and check the position of the switch or not. At that time this apperant simple task that takes only couple of seconds seemed to me as an enormous effot. However since I wanted to assure that the lights at the attic are off, I have put the laundry basked on the floor, opened the door to the attic and checked the swith. After I saw that the swith indicated that the lights are off, I started to experience a sharp pain in the lower back. The pain however was not spreading towards the right side but was in the middle of my vertibra.

This pain came as a shock to me since I perceived it as something completely unnecessary and for no good reason. I just could not understand why I would experince such a big pain in while performing such small and easy everyday tasks. And the other fascinating fact is that that pain did not go away even after several day. Occasionaly it diminished almost completely, then it would increase again. So figured out that it wants to tell me something and thus I decided to do some writing again in order to get to the bottom of this.

Firstly I am not sure if the latest pain in the middle of my lower back is connected specifically to the thougth pattern or if it was just one drop too many. Because in relation to that thinkin was also past events where my drunk neigbout would oftern leave attic lights on after he would finish washing and hanging the laundy and other neigbout complaind about that. And other frequent thoughts in my recent time are related to my business and additional professional training that I plant to attend in the following few days.

Considering that pain in the back is related to overthinking, I can conslude that I was overthinking the point of cheking if the attic light are turned of or off. Thus I commit myself that whenever I return from the attic that I check if the light are turned off without any self-pity. In case that while I return from the attic I am thinking about something else and forget if I have during desent turned the lights off, I accept this as the fact without self-judgement and simply check the switch within emotinal stability.

In regards to the back pain being related to overcommitment and perfectionism, I can point towards my commitment to attend all available arboricultiural trainings and receive all the available certifications in that profession. In this year I completed te aerial rescue training and arborist rope access techniques level A in Vienna. And soon I will be in Vienna attending a 6-day arborist rope access techniques level B training. Initially I planned to also complete the arborist aerial lift training however I have then cancelled it because I estimated that it would be a too big money and time investment for me in this year.

Considering that I am in this illusion of separation and that I will leave everthing that is here behind, I am realizing how it does not matter what I do, because the sort of doing is irrelevant. I only am able to choose what I will do by picking from many available options and based on my ablilities, needs and desires.

Day 214: Pain in the middle of my back

Currently, the biggest point that calls for my attention is a pain in the middle of my back that has persisted for 3 weeks despite me already resting for 2 weeks due to rainy days and holidays. The vertebra in the middle of the spine also usually cracked after a minute or two when I would put myself in the upside-down hanging position using the inversion table. Also, the pain in my lower back has been occurring lately, and I feel it also during my work as a tree-climbing arborist while I am not in a very ergonomic position. A strong pain in my lower back occurred 2 years ago when I was doing height reduction of a big cherry tree with a harness that was not set properly, and I underquoted the project. So, the cause of the pain was a combination of physical and mental stress.

If I look at what could be the contributing factors for the pain in the middle of my back, I can also point out physical strain due to a period of intensive late winter and early spring work period when I would prune and cut down a lot of trees. I usually took only a day of rest after an exhausting project that lasted one or two days. Besides the back pain, I have been also experiencing tingling in my hands while I was lying down in my bed. The mental or psychosomatic factor is definitely the big step that I decided to make by ending a long period of me having the status of an unemployed person by becoming a self-employed sole entrepreneur. That change meant a loss of reliable monthly income and additional monthly expenses due to having to pay for healthcare, social insurance, and income tax.

While I was researching the significance of the pain point in the middle of the back I learned that it is also related to carrying burdens whether emotional or practical. Related emotions are guilt, responsibility, overcommitment, or feeling unsupported. Mental factors are chronic worry or overthinking, beliefs around self-worth and approval, internalized pressure and perfectionism, the mental conflict between wanting help and resisting it, and repressed or unprocessed thoughts. I perceived myself to be in a sufficient awareness of oneness and equality in order to process all the points that I am facing effectively in quantum time however it seems this not to be the truth. So it looks like I need to make a deep dive into my current state.

The reason for me to officially restart my own business is that I wanted to fit into the general population that accepts the enforced law and work for a wider range of customers. While I am aware that the public order is maintained using violence by the ruling government using implied consent and deception, I recognize the collective and personal benefits of such social structure. Thus instead of resisting everything that I do not agree with completely and specifically, I decide to again be part of the world system yet inform and educate others about better alternatives in a more subtle way. I also recognize that while the removal of all self-imposed limitations is the final goal, reaching that goal would also mean the end of all illusions and the start of a new age of darkness due to the boredom of experiencing limitlessness.

So I decide to take it slow and enjoy the journey of aware self-deception in the most balanced way that I am able to. One of the steps is also to pay the debt to the tax authority as compensation for being supported in the past several years. I realize that life and existence have no inherent meaning so I am simply moving myself forward in the frame of my current incarnation and according to the abilities of my human physical body towards what I am enjoying doing. I set my personal and professional goals as motivation for my movement since change is the only constant in life. I recognize the benefit of planned obsolescence since only things that degrade in time are able to create an infinite playground where I can experience all that is as myself in all possible combinations and varieties.

I decide to accept and allow the law as a self-imposed limitation and play the game of commercial activities by the book while I am also allowing myself the flexibility of movement as I am the ultimate limitless creator and creation. I allow others as parts of me to experience their own game of self-deception and suffering in this illusion of separation as this is the will of me as all that I am. I accept challenges that I experience in the game of self with self, having no other option but to operate in the spectrum between the extremes of complete forgetfulness and complete knowingness. While I express myself I am free from the approval of others and strive to do things best aligned with the industry standards, mainly for the purpose of self-enjoyment due to overcoming the resistance of all the elements that play a role as my opponents.

Besides keeping my mental state in balance I also take good care of my human physical body. I make sure that both sides of my body experience an equal amount of physical strain by mirroring the setup of my tree climbing harness and interchangeably using heavy tools on the left and right sides. While my profit will be income minus all taxes and fixed monthly expenses my priority is to earn enough money to cover my basic needs and the remaining funds will go towards my professional development. I take care to walk my life relaxed and take it as slowly as needed in order to avoid as many painful lessons as possible. I commit myself to do more frequent writing in order to process points with a greater level of success by bringing fast-moving parts of myself here and seeing them for what they are in full detail.