27 October 2010

2010 - Defusing anger points in regards driving a car

I am starting to defuse all emotional reactions that I so far considered to be to small and not worth dealing with, so I postponed and procrastinated and did not face them yet. I found challenging to decide which point to face daily, since there are many of them and I can only spent certain amount of time daily to defuse them. But this has been only an excuse and justification, and I need to face them all, one by one, starting with the first that comes up. No more excuses, simply stopping, bringing them here by writing and forgiving them. One of these 'tiny' points that I am starting to deal with today are the emotions of anger, triggered by certain events while I am driving a car.

My parents provided first cars for me and my two years younger brother when we became of age. At that time, we were both formally employed in our family graphic company, but were not practically receiving any salary, so legally it was our company that purchase the cars that we were then able to use for our personal needs. We got Renault Clio cars, I went for a white color and my brother chose the dark blue one. I was satisfied with the basic equipment, but my brother wanter to show off, so he purchased the best possible accessories available, like sport spoilers, seat, suspension and exhaust and powerful sound system with large woofers, so the car physically vibrated and jumped due to strong deep sound waves.

We also had I different way of driving. I drove carefully, complied with every single traffic regulation and speed limits, indicated every single turn with the blinker, even when turning the car on the home yard. My brother bullied me because of that, since I automatically acted upon every traffic rule, even if I was the only one participating in the traffic. On the other hand, my brother was just the opposite, he was driving fast, testing the most extreme limits, enjoyed the good feeling of having the best car, and making fun out of other traffic participants. Like for example he had a recording of breaking glass, so if some car stopped in front of him, he approached with his car from behind very fast, to close range, and then he played the sound of the glass crushing with the maximum audio level in order for sound to reached also the ears of the driver in the front car. And then he laughed loudly when the driver in the front jumped from the shock, thinking that lights of his car got smashed.

We both had a traffic accident, but it was due to different reasons. I allowed myself to be provoked by my mother, who annoyed me with constant suggestions to 'go out and have fun', since it was the weekend, but I worked the whole day and was tired as never before in my life. But still, a succumbed to her influence and went out in the middle of the night. I decided to visit some disco club witch was about half an hour drive away. I took a shortcut through the farm fields, as I remembered to be the quickest way, since we also took this road with my friends the other day. I had in the memory that the road will persist to be straight for at least some time, so I was driving quite fast. But then suddenly the road turned left and that totally surprised me. I hit the brake and the car started to loose contact with the road. I tried to keep it on the track, but could not, end the car eventually slipped off the road, rolled down the small hill sideways 360 degrees, and landed back on the wheels. I went like, WTF just happened!

I was not hurt, just totally shocked, and the car was able to drive. Just some windows cracked and of course metal bodywork got humbled. Fortunately I landed near the field and was able to get back on the road and drove to the home slowly. I felt very ashamed, since I was judging how my brother was driving, and expected him to have an accident soon, but I did never imagined that I would be involved in any car accident ever. My parents took the tragical news quite well got my car fixed, sold it and bought me a new one. But soon, my brother also had an accident as I had anticipated. He on the other hand had also 360 degree somersault, but head-on, on the clear road and in the middle of the day. He was pushing the speed limit again, but went over the limit and totally destroyed the car beyond repair. He got just a small head injury, and parents also bought him a new car eventually. He then continued to drive fast and had best cars in order to show-off and be proud since he would be better than others. And I somehow became much more humble, since I could not brag any longer that I had no single accident yet.

I also noticed that I am not tolerating and emotional reacting to certain events that I experience while driving. This is all based on self-definition of me being better and more respected drivers than others. I was proud of myself since I obeyed all the traffic regulations, and hated all the drivers who did not follow the rules to the point. I did not participate in the traffic from the point of common sense and considered that no one is perfect, but demanded perfection from myself and others. This is of course all the result of some some close relative being very demanding, constantly pushing me and going ballistic every time I made a single mistake. I copied that behavior patterns from him and then also continued to enforce them onto others.

  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself and compete with my brother in order to prove to my parents that I am better, worth of love and acceptance, to get from them what I want, instead of considering my brother as one and equal and do what is best for all.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to listen and do what others tell me to, instead of listening to myself, considering the current state of my physical body and doing what is best to support myself.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think while I drive and project illusional past memories into the present, instead of breathing effectively and focusing on what is actually in front of me while I drive in every single moment.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive myself as more than others while driving according to traffic regulations and becoming angry when I see that other do not follow the rules to the point, instead of simply following the regulations for the practical reasons in order to equally participate in the traffic, taking into account that other can also forget to turn on the lights and blinkers, as I also forgot several times.

  5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry while driving and becoming mad when I catch someone who is driving slow, since it certainly has some reason, like being old, tired, searching for someone, and I really do not have any reasons to go somewhere, since I can only be here, in the current locations of every given moment.

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