31 December 2019

Day 183: Sexual relationship and reproduction

Recently I have been wondering about my intimate relationships. It has been 7 years since I broke up with my last girlfriend after 3 years of living together. I only had sex with another female about one year after that however for the last 6 years I had no sexual intercourse with any women. Until a couple of months ago I have been in regular contact with a girl who first moved into our apartment building with her boyfriend. About a year ago they broke up and she became my flatmate. We were researching an option to become a couple however she terribly feared to become pregnant so we never had sexual intercourse. That kind of relationship was not very pleasant since there was a sexual attraction between two of us however her fear and projections of past negative experiences that were mostly copied from her mother who has been sexually abused was something that she was unable to free herself from. It was nice not to live alone however her increased outbursts of anger, blame, and even some slight physical abuse slowly became unbearable for me. Eventually, the landlord ordered her to move out and I again rented the whole apartment for myself.

In the past years, I have looked deeply into my relationship patterns that resulted in attracting females that were far from emotionally balanced. I realized how I coped behavior patterns from my parents, especially my father where I wanted to be in a role of a savior however also had a belittling attitude towards women as the result of my superiority tendency. I transformed that pattern to the point where I no longer am seeking nor accepting to be in a relationship where I will allow myself to abuse others, note do I allow anymore to abuse me. The only kind of relationship that I am willing to be in is where mutual respect and equality will be applied at all times.

For as long as I remember being in a relationship with a woman was not my priority. I already wrote about how the greatest satisfaction in my current life is to be of service to my father. Meaning that whenever he calls me to be available for him immediately or as soon as possible and to produce graphic designs or do anything else that he desires. And my second priority is to enjoy a peaceful life where I can continue focusing on self-perfection and research the secrets of how the whole existence functions. After that and only occasionally I find myself imagining how great would be to engage in sex with a young attractive woman.

My motivation for sex is enjoyment in touch and the smell of women and pleasuring each other until the point of achieving an orgasm. However sexual intercourse can also result in pregnancy and all the related obligations to care for a child for at least 18 years and bear legal consequences for their actions. I also have considered being a father for the purpose of raising a human being that would be an example of a responsible and very capable member of society. However, I would be prepared to have kids only with a very emotionally stable and responsible woman and I have not met any female that fits such criteria.

Many have children for the purpose of showing off in front of others or to try to compensate by them for things they lacked to have or experienced in their life or to continue a bloodline in order to strategically achieve some big international agenda. So it is mostly a projected motivation of self-centered starting point. I, on the other hand, have already enough work with facing my own mind and clearing all the self-deceptions that created pain and conflict in my past life. I see having a child as a potential to assist a process of self-reflection however it can also be a distraction from taking time to look inside of self and correct all the points of separation.

I thus wonder if it is worth to engage in a relationship with someone else in order to have a sexual partner and risk complicating life or to just stay satisfied with pleasuring myself when I have the desire to experience an orgasm. Basically, I see the sex system as a big distraction and something that diminishes my mental abilities. I would so much prefer for humans to be more like the animal and have sex only when deciding to have children and also at such occasion to carefully pick the most compatible partner so that the kids would be healthy and strong. Because now our children are more reproductions of the minds and proof of devolution in terms of physical bodies.

So I am out there on many of the online dating networks and I dare some women that fit my criteria to contact me. I am giving enough opportunities for those who seek a partner like me to find me and I also am liking the profiles of girls that I like. The time will show whether I am destined to connect with anybody that is equally seeking a very deep and honest relationship or if in this life I am to stay single, yet fulfilled more than most of the males who are in superficial relationships.

Related supportive audios:
Self-Honesty in your Relationship with Yourself
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse
I Fear Missing out
Sins of the Fathers
You Create Your Child's World
Family Planning
I Kept it All in
To Have Children, Or Not
When Your Self and Life Are Off Course

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