16 January 2020

Day 184: Body pain, sex and relationships

Several days after I wrote my last blog post where I actually decided to remain single and not ger involved in dating, I started to doubt if that is actually the best decision for me. I wondered if being single is something that is for me supportive or is a result of staying in my comfort zone and protecting my limitations. I have been asking myself is it a desire for sex something natural to myself and something that I want and need to express in order to stay healthy or is only a pre-programmed system that is just distracting me. I listened again to all of the supportive audios that I listed at the end of my previous blog post titled To Have Children, Or Not that explained that desire to have children is a program on a physical DNA level as the survival mechanism of the human body. And that it is driving us towards having children as soon as possible in order to continue its existence. Based on that I have started to wonder if I should take this desire of my physical body into consideration and become a father and what would it take from me to manifest this. I imagined myself in a position where my life it this body would come to an and end if I would have any regrets if I decided not to have any children.

For several days that followed, I have lived with a decision that remaining single is something that I am just comfortable with. I simply enjoyed the peace and freedom of having the whole apartment just for myself and feeling relief after my conflictual female flatmate moved out a couple of months ago. However, I wondered why there is a slight inflammatory pain persisting in my right scrotum. That pain strongly activated for the first time after my ex-flatmate became very nasty towards me. And I was not yet able to define clearly what that pain represents. I perceived it as an expression of the sadness of my physical body for being rejected by females and thus not being able to reproduce. Or better to say the expression off frustration due to the mind-consciousness system of my ex-flatmate to prevent her to enjoy the physical intimacy with my physical body without any fear and projection of blame. Consequently, I expected that after she moves out the pain of my scrotum would dissipate as there would be no more female in my proximity that would trigger such response. Since the pain did not disappear completely I wondered if my that is actually my body telling me that it craves sex and that if I continue to ignore that warning, it might develop into cancer or a tumor.

So the fear of negative health consequences and the possibility of regret that I wasted my life potential of having my own children resulted in a feeling of sadness and loneliness that I wanted to resolve. That lead me to a decision to reengage in dating. I started to think about what kind of partner do I want, how would I find the best mate to have children with and what ways of searching should I apply. I refreshed my previous online dating profile, browsed the Facebook profiles and also started to observe the females at the shopping malls and other outside areas. What I noticed that I found very little females that attracted me visually and that fit my preferences. I observed myself how by looking at the face of a person I am able to identify their expression, personality, and character. So I was seeking a very female with very specific traits since I do not want to be with someone who is using their emotions or looks to manipulate me and compromise myself in any way. I was open only to a mature, responsible and self-realized individual that would consider me as an equal and would want a mutually supportive relationship.

I found that the girls that I found the most attractive were already in a relationship or had kids with previous relationships. And by attractive I do not mean by general beauty standards of society since I prefer natural-looking girls with short nails, without makeup and wearing flat shoes. I wondered how much time shall I invest in dating and what compromises shall I allow because I doubt that I would be able to find just THE one that would be perfect in all perspectives. For example, Filipino girls are known to be sincere, drama-free and caring however they are also much shorter, however, they pretty much expect the man to be the main provider. And there is also the question of mixing the races, cultures and having to learn a new language. Nevertheless, by browsing thousands of online profiles and liking many dozens of those that I found to be perspective, only one girl replied so far. I am not sure how many hours should I additionally invest in online dating and how long shall I wait with hopes that those that I liked will respond. There have also been a lot of other girls who liked my profile however none of them has been something that fits my basic criteria.

An additional concern is that I am currently developing my new business services and dating took a lot of time and attention away from it. So I have been wondering if focusing on dating is possibly not just something that I am distracting myself in order to postpone having to face all that is necessary for my business to start creating a sufficient income for myself. My justification was that I am not very determined about what I actually want to do to provide for my needs. I can see myself just comfortable with a girl who has their own business and I would support her at that. This is why I also wrote a letter 3 days ago to a girl that I know from before and has a company that publishes books for personal development and I am awaiting her response. Basically, I would prefer if some girl would pick me based on my character and skills and incorporate me in her life in such a way that I would be living a drama-free life and have my basic needs met. Yet such a scenario is very rare since it is a custom for the men to pick girls and provide for them and not the way around.

Now the main reason why I actually decided to write this blog post is that I am having a pain in the most lower back region that emerged around the time when I re-engaged in dating and has been persisting ever since. From the Desteni article and related Eqafe audios, I learned that the lower back pain is a resonant consequence of giving away personal power. Already just after I read the article and listened to the audios, I felt significant relief in my lower back. And they assisted me while writing this blog post to narrow the array of possible causes for such pain. I am now going to write also additional self-forgiveness and corrective statements to release the underlying mind patterns with even greater effect:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by the pain in my scrotum my body is telling me that it needs sexual intercourse with a woman or even to reproduce itself by making any female body pregnant. I realize that I actually did not do sufficient research to identify the true cause for the pain which I assume is rather connected to my response based on the recent experience with my ex-flatmate. I commit myself to when and as I experience any pain to slow down, take time, do the necessary research and ask others for their perspective in order to remove the actual cause of the pain. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my human physical body can not stay healthy if it does not have regular sexual intercourse with a female. I realize that sexual intercourse is actually only necessary for the purpose of conceiving a child and that urge for sex without actually wanting a child originates from the sex system that the mind-consciousness system uses to rejuvenate itself by extraction of the physical body energy during the act of sex. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have not had sex in so much time so you urgently need to find yourself a sex partner in order to stay healthy!” to stop, breathe and look at what are all the contributory factors that triggered a sexual urge in myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting my life by not having children and that as a man I am a loser for not spreading my genes wide. I realize that having children is optional and that some life paths result in having children and some not for a multitude of reasons. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at your younger brother that has produced two daughters and you will be a loser if you do not have any children of your own”! to stop and breathe. I then rather look at my tendency to compare myself and compete with my brother and other men and realize that my life can be equally valuable as of those who have children of their own because we all express in different ways and all decisions have a reason. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not interesting enough for other women since almost none of them contacted me via the social networks and online dating websites where I have had a profile for many years. I realize that I actually have had not a very strong desire to be in a relationship and that many female friends reported to me how they are swamped with the messages of men thus rarely do they even think of messaging men based on their own initiative. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Since almost no women messaged you about dating in the last years you are not attractive enough so there is no point in continuing of online dating activities” to stop and breathe. I then rather define more clearly what I want in a potential relationship and become more proactive in dating since success in all sorts of cases in the result of focus, persistence, and repetition.

Additional suggested related support audios to listen:
Overwhelmed with Sexual Fantasies
Relationship Fantasies
Fear of Commitment
Sexual Attraction
Sexual Desires
Natural Sexual Expression
Suppressed Sexual Fantasies
Sex and Relationships in Existence
My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind

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