During kindergarten and 8 years of primary school I do not recall any traumatic experiences of me being bullied. My however case is special in terms of me changing primary school every 2 years due to capacity, logistics and practical reason that resulted in me not being able to create deep relationships with my classmates. The only bad thing that I remember about primary school is that there were regular physical fighting among pupils that sometimes resulted even in broken arm or leg. But when I started to attend Jesenice middle school where I enrolled for the 4 year Mechanical Engineer study programme, I decided to sit in the first row in order to see and hear better, also due to loosing my hearing ability on my left ear. First annoyance that I remember is that some of my classmates from the rows behind me were constantly throwing balls of paper and also gum into my hair. Some even came to my desk and stole calculator or a pen and teacher did nothing to solve this problem. We were simply too big class of over 30 restless pupils with one teacher who did not know hot to handle it. I also had a classmate that was sitting at the same table with me on my right side who constantly teased me and sought my attention until one day he deliberately smashed my pen and I decided that this is enough. We agreed to meet after class in the park in order to have a fight. It was my first fist fight ever and in spite him claiming that he was skilled in boxing, I managed to win the fight and after that we strangely became best friends. Also at gym class I was pushed and pressed by some classmates who were in the hockey team and had need to prove that they were better than others. Such disturbance created big stress in my life and my grades were at the end of school year so bad that I had to take the same year again.
All described events however did not attack any specific detail of my physical body, only my personality as a whole. But there were also two of my classmates who started to pick on my lips. I never had any thought that there is something unusual about how I look until they started to make fun of me due to my lips that supposedly were bigger than normal. I felt embarrassed and did not know how to respond. I did then decided to pick one of the bullies back and started to make fun of his protruding ears which was effective self-defence since he then stopped bullying me. I did to some level felt that bullies are picking others due to their low self-esteem and and simply picked some detail about others that they were able to target. But there was one event in the public bus for my daily commute where one little girl accompanied by her mother asked me: “Why are your lips so big?“. That created a backchat in my mind like: “Kids are pure and if they notice something than it must be true that my lips definitely are too big! So also my classmates were right! Oh no, my lips are too big! What should I do now?”. From that moment on I wrapped myself with even deeper feeling of shame and I just wanted to hide myself somewhere so that no one else would ever notice that my lips are too big. I was even wondering that if me being a caucasian race had some African ancestor since they have especially big lips.
Later in life I had a girlfriend who was madly in love with me and she even admired my lips. To that moment I never imagined that big lips could be even an advantage. And I also was attracted to some movie actress who had full sensual lips. Well if one looks at it with practical perspective, fuller lips can be even more sexy than slim lips since they have more soft flesh and kissing someone with big lips should be more enjoyable. They act as a buffer when kissing in order for couple not to smash agains hard teeth of each other. There was also some lady who observed me from a distance when I was outside enjoying the sun and she complemented how beautiful my smile is. In the past years I improved my self-esteem significantly and from initially being extremely camera shy, I am now able to give a speech to big crowds without any much problem. I do like how my head looks like from the front, but I do not like my profile very much. Instead of the chiselled features, by head has more soft features, especially under my chin. I remember my mother explaining that I developed some struma or goitre due to some nutrient deficiency in my childhood. Thus when I see pictures or video recording of me form some public event that someone took from the side, I criticise my looks and feel unpleasant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to understand that if someone judges the way I look, it is not about me but about their accepted and allowed ideals about how humans should look like. I realise that people, including me, are under deep influence of the media and entertainment industry where in the fashion magazines and movies, models and actors have been selected with a very specific looks and then even photoshopped afterwards in order to create ideals of perfection that can never be achieved in reality. I commit myself to when and as my looks are judged by others, and my mind goes: “Oh no, something is wrong with me since how others see me must be correct.” to stop an breathe. I keep my awareness that whatever others think that I should look like is their projected ideal that they personally have created in their minds so they are the ones who have the responsibility to take such projection back to self and to accept everyone else as the way they are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a young child is saying something to me than it must be true since children are pure and innocent and can not lie. I realise that children in fact do ask due to ignorance and can find some parts of someone's body unusual, but they do not say it from the starting point of spite but due to pure curiosity. I commit myself to when and as some child is asking me about certain aspect of my looks and I get thoughts like: “They are judging me and not accepting me the way I look, thus I must be ashamed about my looks.” to stop such thoughts by focusing on my breath. I simply explain to them that people look different and that our physical bodies are results of genetics without allowing any thought to create assumption that they are being biased.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a specific design of the body is necessary in order for one to fully accepts itself and achieve highest self-esteem. I realise that many others who have even been born without legs or feet or have a specific facial feature have achieved complete self-confidence and that it is not about how one looks like but about accepting your looks regardless of your body design. I commit myself to when and I observe myself in the mirror or on the photos and videos and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look how your head looks different comparing to the movie start and models. You will never be accepted by other looking like that!” to stop such comparison by returning focus back on my breath. I observe images of my physical body by fully accepting the way I look without allowing any movement in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only observe and compare my looks to looks of certain celebrities and not seeing how people in my close surrounding have different shapes and sizes of their bodies. I realise that I might have been incarnated in any of the body of humans that exist on this planet which look very different and many of them have big disabilities that I have never even imagined of having them. I commit myself to when and as I walk down the street and my mind goes: “Look at that perfect guy on that billboard advertising men's fashion and how his body looks different to me.” to stop such thoughts by breathing. I then rather observe other real people around me, how their bodies, heads and faces look different from each other and realising that variety and diversity of looks is actually what makes humans interesting to observe and enables us to visually distinguish and recognise each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that people get bullied not because of how they look but because they emanate low self-esteem and thus are attracting bullies that target individuals with low self-esteem in order to mask their own self-esteem. I realise that regardless of how someone looks, they will always be attacked and bullied by those who do not accept themselves and project envy and hate towards others. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone who points out something about my looks and I start to think: “What about if what they think is true and I must change myself in order for others to accept me fully.” to stop and breathe. I assist that guy by reflecting his projection back to him and assisting him in understanding why they developed such ideals and releasing them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that people who very much fit current media ideals of beauty are never bullied and criticised, are always accepted by others and have no relationship problems in their lives. I realise that such people also have their specific challenges like thinking that people like them only because how they look and that others consider them only stupid puppets. And that there is also a big competition in beauty and fashion industry that creates bullies and rivalry that can develop in massive obsession like very nicely portrayed in the movie The Neon Demon. When and as I see someone who fits ideals of beauty and I start to think like: “Good for them, they have a perfect life thanks to their looks.” to stop such thinking by breathing. I accept them as one and equal with understanding that many of them may struggle with fears of loosing good looks and suffer from bulimia and anorexia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give a very important meaning to a single opinion expressed by others, regardless if I received praise or criticism. I realise that automatically attaching weight to perspective of others is allowing others to influence my perception of how I see myself and thus compromising myself. I commit myself to when and as someone says something about me and I think: “What they say about me is what I truly am.” to stop and breathe. I listen to opinions of other and understand that most of what others say is projection of their own mind patterns where they do not consider others as one en equal and just want to say something to fit in and survive in the best way they are able to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a shameful character after some people have criticised the way I look. I realise that whenever I act emotionally to what others say about me, I harm myself. I commit myself to when and as someone criticises me, and I go like: “I am being attacked and must hide and protect myself by lots of emotional energy that would separate me from current reality.” to stop and breathe. Within realisation that emotional energy can always be only temporary escape since it diminishes sooner or later, I rather face with the one who is criticising me with full awareness that I am a physical being and can not be harmed by any word.
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