2010 - Defusing anger points in regards driving a car

I am starting to defuse all emotional reactions that I so far considered to be to small and not worth dealing with, so I postponed and procrastinated and did not face them yet. I found challenging to decide which point to face daily, since there are many of them and I can only spent certain amount of time daily to defuse them. But this has been only an excuse and justification, and I need to face them all, one by one, starting with the first that comes up. No more excuses, simply stopping, bringing them here by writing and forgiving them. One of these 'tiny' points that I am starting to deal with today are the emotions of anger, triggered by certain events while I am driving a car.

My parents provided first cars for me and my two years younger brother when we became of age. At that time, we were both formally employed in our family graphic company, but were not practically receiving any salary, so legally it was our company that purchase the cars that we were then able to use for our personal needs. We got Renault Clio cars, I went for a white color and my brother chose the dark blue one. I was satisfied with the basic equipment, but my brother wanter to show off, so he purchased the best possible accessories available, like sport spoilers, seat, suspension and exhaust and powerful sound system with large woofers, so the car physically vibrated and jumped due to strong deep sound waves.

We also had I different way of driving. I drove carefully, complied with every single traffic regulation and speed limits, indicated every single turn with the blinker, even when turning the car on the home yard. My brother bullied me because of that, since I automatically acted upon every traffic rule, even if I was the only one participating in the traffic. On the other hand, my brother was just the opposite, he was driving fast, testing the most extreme limits, enjoyed the good feeling of having the best car, and making fun out of other traffic participants. Like for example he had a recording of breaking glass, so if some car stopped in front of him, he approached with his car from behind very fast, to close range, and then he played the sound of the glass crushing with the maximum audio level in order for sound to reached also the ears of the driver in the front car. And then he laughed loudly when the driver in the front jumped from the shock, thinking that lights of his car got smashed.

We both had a traffic accident, but it was due to different reasons. I allowed myself to be provoked by my mother, who annoyed me with constant suggestions to 'go out and have fun', since it was the weekend, but I worked the whole day and was tired as never before in my life. But still, a succumbed to her influence and went out in the middle of the night. I decided to visit some disco club witch was about half an hour drive away. I took a shortcut through the farm fields, as I remembered to be the quickest way, since we also took this road with my friends the other day. I had in the memory that the road will persist to be straight for at least some time, so I was driving quite fast. But then suddenly the road turned left and that totally surprised me. I hit the brake and the car started to loose contact with the road. I tried to keep it on the track, but could not, end the car eventually slipped off the road, rolled down the small hill sideways 360 degrees, and landed back on the wheels. I went like, WTF just happened!

I was not hurt, just totally shocked, and the car was able to drive. Just some windows cracked and of course metal bodywork got humbled. Fortunately I landed near the field and was able to get back on the road and drove to the home slowly. I felt very ashamed, since I was judging how my brother was driving, and expected him to have an accident soon, but I did never imagined that I would be involved in any car accident ever. My parents took the tragical news quite well got my car fixed, sold it and bought me a new one. But soon, my brother also had an accident as I had anticipated. He on the other hand had also 360 degree somersault, but head-on, on the clear road and in the middle of the day. He was pushing the speed limit again, but went over the limit and totally destroyed the car beyond repair. He got just a small head injury, and parents also bought him a new car eventually. He then continued to drive fast and had best cars in order to show-off and be proud since he would be better than others. And I somehow became much more humble, since I could not brag any longer that I had no single accident yet.

I also noticed that I am not tolerating and emotional reacting to certain events that I experience while driving. This is all based on self-definition of me being better and more respected drivers than others. I was proud of myself since I obeyed all the traffic regulations, and hated all the drivers who did not follow the rules to the point. I did not participate in the traffic from the point of common sense and considered that no one is perfect, but demanded perfection from myself and others. This is of course all the result of some some close relative being very demanding, constantly pushing me and going ballistic every time I made a single mistake. I copied that behavior patterns from him and then also continued to enforce them onto others.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself and compete with my brother in order to prove to my parents that I am better, worth of love and acceptance, to get from them what I want, instead of considering my brother as one and equal and do what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to listen and do what others tell me to, instead of listening to myself, considering the current state of my physical body and doing what is best to support myself.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think while I drive and project illusional past memories into the present, instead of breathing effectively and focusing on what is actually in front of me while I drive in every single moment.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive myself as more than others while driving according to traffic regulations and becoming angry when I see that other do not follow the rules to the point, instead of simply following the regulations for the practical reasons in order to equally participate in the traffic, taking into account that other can also forget to turn on the lights and blinkers, as I also forgot several times.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to hurry while driving and becoming mad when I catch someone who is driving slow, since it certainly has some reason, like being old, tired, searching for someone, and I really do not have any reasons to go somewhere, since I can only be here, in the current locations of every given moment.

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2010 - Emotional manipulation and projection

I still got a nasty feeling in my belly, which is indication of fear that has been accumulating these days. I feel like everything I do lately, whatever way I turn, I always make someone mad. Well, it is not like I interact with many people, but with those that I interacted lately with, there was always some kind of trouble.

First there is the bank, who surprised me in January this year with the notice that they will cancel my bank limit. And not since I would be a bad client, but simply since I decided for a different taxation method witch did not require to keep accounting books anymore. So even though I had generated enough revenue in the last year, the bank did not take this into account, and considered me as someone with not enough income. So I got very shocked when they canceled my bank limit, witch was quite large, and turned it into credit, that I now need to pay back in quite large sum every month.

Then also my intention to earn my living solely with counseling did not turn well. I invested a lot of time, money and energy into promotion, designed, printed and distributed leaflets, made a web site, provided different online payment and communication methods, invested in online advertisement, but this all did not bring proper results. The financial crisis made people to save money, so I went into debt more and more every month, until I had to stop to avoid total bankruptcy. I had a feeling like time passed very quick, the whole months went by like in seconds. It was the last time for me to stop.

And there was also quite tuff experience doing Structural Resonance Alignment lessons that also required money, time and very focused attention. It is cool that we paused for a couple of months, so that monthly expenses dropped a little. A lot of buzz was also in regards to friend with whom I went out every weekend to chill out and dance and we also visited fitness twice a week. I got tired of his small talk about girls, sex, the smell of his cigarettes, and constant arguing about total nonsensical topics. So we split a few weeks ago and we did not speak since, even if we live in the same building. Another friend, witch I get bye much more nicely with, has been escorting me in the past few weeks. But I decided also to drop the fitness a week ago to save even more money.

Then for the pas two weeks I worked for my some close relative and experienced a lot of stress, since he is a great emotional manipulator. As if I had not enough already, then some people started to harass me, from whom I would expected this the last, regarding the process they were suppose to be in. So a lot of people and the system attacked and pressured me lately, emotionally, morally, legally and financially. I did have some flirts and short term relationship, but this only took additional time, energy and money from me. I got tired of all the emotional reactive people, competitive economic system and exploitative money system. Sometimes I would rather give it all up, sell the apartment and go somewhere. But I could land even in greater troubles anyway. So I decided to stand up and take appropriate actions heare and now.

I made today a new temporary web site for my business and I also installed very cool forum on the Desteni Slovenia web site. I granted administrator privileges to one member and let him to do the fine tuning. I will let some time for heads of some Desteni Slovenia members to cool down and to start living equality and not producing separation anymore. And I know this will take quite some time, since some have very explosive mind patterns to defuse. Some might even not make it, since they lack of appropriate self-direction and self-will. But this is how it is and you can do nothing for the one who accepted and allowed the energy to be larger than life. The process takes self-responsibility and not all can be saved. And things will become even more tough in following years, many more and even larger challenges.

So no time for whining and weeping, there is a lot of work to be done in order to bring heaven on earth. First I need to focus on solving my financial situation and then go further. It will be interesting to see how the Desteni Income Plan recruitment will develop. I have not met many people from Slovenia who would qualify, since they have to be interested and stable enough in order to walk the process in the long term. This is a life commitment, so recruits have to be picked very carefully in order not to fall after few months or years. But since there are not many recruiters available currently and new people from all over the world join Desteni, I expect all recruiters to fill their 10 people capacity very soon. I am looking forward to see, if this all will develop according to the plan.

In the meanwhile I need to ignore all the people who claim to be Destonians but do not walk the talk. Since Desteni is something never seen before, with fascinating interdimensional portal, many are attracted to Desteni from the starting point of defining it as something more, very special and precious, so they become fanatic protectors and attack other in order to prove, that they found the Jackpot and have by joining Desteni became something more. But as long you do not walk the process for extensive period of time, and allow yourself to emotionally react, you have not yet became real Destonian. If you act just from the knowledge and information, you can not yet understand what oneness and equality is about. Desteni is a group of people who stand for equality and that equality has to be lived in every breath practically. Just claiming that you are the part of the Equality group does not make you one. You become a part of this group by becoming the living example of emotional stability and self-movement towards what is best for all.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of the people who claim to be Destonians, but do not walk the talk, and are thus not real Destonians. They are not actually the part of Equality group (yet), so they have nothing to say, and need to first walk the process for themselves in order to be able to contribute to equality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when I support other people, since I perceive myself then as someone more, wanting other people to think how great I am, instead of supporting people as one and equal and not allowing any kind of emotional movement inside me.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to build for myself a perception that the events in the future will get worst and that I will suffer even more, instead of realizing that future does not exist, that it is only this moment that is real, and that I need to walk breath by breath, remaining here and not allowing any thinking about how the future might look like.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be influenced by anybodies opinion about me and my actions, since no one is totally able to walk and direct me as one end equal with me, we are all in the process, so I need to just listen other people's opinion without any energetic movement, and decide for myself if their suggestion is valid, considering the starting point of what is best for all and equality equation 1 + 1 = 2.

I stand alone for all life, for what is best for all until this is all done. I immediately stop every single thought and emotional reaction. I take action and forgive myself any energetic movement. I support myself effectively and give support to others as one and equal to myself. I walk the talk and do not allow myself to act from knowledge and information. I comment as much as my current realization goes and do not allow myself to try to make any good impression. I breathe effectively and feel my body and continue the process of birthing life from the physical.
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2010 - Finished working for some close relative

For the last two weeks my only client for my design services has been some close relative. I mostly worked at his place on his computers, and I worked at home on my computer only for several hours, just in order to upload huge quantity of photos on his FaceBook and Picasa album, since his upload bandwidth is a few times slower than mine. Two weeks ago he payed me for the past work that I have done for him and we agreed for the price of the hour of work for the future projects. I was surprised how much work has he been giving me, since I expected that I would work for him just a few hours per day, so I could also work for other clients. But since there was so much to do at his place, I did not have any motivation and time to request orders from others.

After the last payment, he said that I should not expect new payments from him for a while, since he needs to get payed by his clients first. We agreed that he would call me only if there would be some urgent job to do, so I would have opportunity to get payed also from clients who have the money. But then I got surprised when he started giving me one order after another. I also noticed that he has been buying quite a lot of new stuff, so I told myself that he obviously knows what he is doing, and that he must have decided to give me a lot of work in order to support me by paying me a lot of money, since I have presented him exactly how much money I need monthly in order to pay all the bills.

Since I got a notice from the bank yesterday that I need to pay certain amount of money to cover my debt, I summed how much money I urgently need to pay the bank and other monthly bills. So when I went today at his place, I faced him with the number. He became very surprised and upset, when he saw the sum of how much he owes me for the work that I have done for him in past two weeks. From the beginning state of shock, he slowly started to build more and more anger, trying to present himself as a victim, as I milker cow, and me as the one who is exploiting and ripping him off. When I asked him, how come that he is acting so surprised, since we agreed on the price, and he knew and saw me what and for how long I have been working on his projects, he answered that we never agreed on the price, which is certainly not true.

He argued that if I would work for the price as I requested, I would in a month earn as much as the politicians. But I have not worked for him in past two weeks just 8 hours per day, 5 days in a week, but 7 days per week, and occasionally over 12 hours per day, so many working hours accumulated in that time. I guess he did not expected that, and he also never checked how many hour accumulated in between. I did not allow to react on his provocations, I stayed calm and tried to reason with him. But as I have known him for many years, he does not use reason very much, but allows his emotions to take him over and decides to play a role of helpless victim. He eventually told me, that he will try to pay me tomorrow, since he expects to receive some payment on his bank account. But after a while, after he stirred his emotions even more, he said that he is considering even paying me nothing, since this is a robbery, and that he is considering to never order my services again.

But I did not react and simply explained him again that the price of the hour of work that we agreed upon is less that one third of what I usually charge and one fourth of what is the standard recommended price for design services in our country. And he does not want to understand, that I have to pay for the taxes, expensed and the bank credits, since I am self-employed. If he would employ me, that would be the whole different story, since the employer pays for the taxes, but this was not the case. My current monthly expenses are twice the amount of money of the minimum wage in our country. I simply can not afford to work as employee at some company, since I would get just a little more that a minimum wage. So the only option at this time for me is to work as self-employed, to get some orders, and charge per hour of work much more than I would get as someone's employee.

We agreed that starting today, I would not work for him any longer and that I would work for other clients in the future. He would just call me if there would be any urgent job to do - and here we go again. But really, I simply can not feel pity for him just because he is my close relative. If he is not able to include the price of my work in the services and products that he sells forward to his clients, this is his problem. I can not care if I work for him or for someone others. Certain people want from me money, and I need to get money, regardless if from him or from someone else. It is quite cool to work at his place, but there are many emotions, judgements and projections involved, and he sometimes forgets what he promised. So tomorrow I will hit the road and start to visit new potential clients in order to get better payed jobs without or at least with less emotional dramas.

I also noticed that I've had a very unpleasant feeling, a knot in my belly, for the last week and I was not able to release the tension. A lot has been happening lately, very fierce forum and online chats, and strong pressures from the bank. I expect that I will be able to get enough orders and thus money in order to pay my debts. But I can not know how things will develop, so I will be giving it my best to try and see what will happen. Let us introduce the Equal Money System as soon as possible in order to quit fighting about how much is someone's labour worth and establishing equality and providing for basic needs of all living beings!
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2010 - Pointing fingers and blaming

I got recently a few lessons and realizations. While trying to solve some situation, I tried to explain my point of view and include exact information in order to picture the situation as a whole. I included exact posts, included names and actions, in order for everything to become totally clear. I did all this for other people so see that I am right and others are wrong. But since others were not involved in the situation, and did not have personal experience, they could only give the feedback, based on the information that I have given them. So instead of receiving the feedback about the situation, I was getting the feedback about my act of sharing the information. This resulted in very fast evolving thread, going in the total opposite direction as I expected.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to seek protection for my point of view by other people, not realizing that they can not have a valid base to give any kind of perspective, since they were not participating in the event.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to have fear and to be lazy in facing the people who have any issues with me directly, instead of simply labeling them to be wrong, and not taking the appropriate action, standing up as life and facing everybody honestly, until we would come to a common understanding.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to include the names of the people in my blogs, vlogs and forum posts in order to show everybody that they are wrong and I am rights, instead of sharing and facing my thought, feelings and emotions that are the cause of separation.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that some people are perfect and wanting from them to give me their opinion and then not being satisfied with their opinion, instead of considering everybody as one and equal and standing alone for the principle of what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I can only practice oneness and equality if I am part of some group, instead of realizing that all living beings are equal, regardless if part of some group or not, and that everyone is to stand equal to everyone at any single moment.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to try to save other people, collecting the knowledge and information that I would then be able to share to others as someone special, not realizing that we are all equal in the process, that everyone has his own life lessons, so everybody can teach others only by being a living example and not to perceive to be more than others.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compromise myself, fanatically pushing the point of wanting to help others, not stopping soon enough, and getting more and more into debt, instead of taking care for a stable income first and then only contributing my excessive time and money to support others.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good about the extensive quantity of vlogs and blogs that I have watched so far, picturing how everybody will be impressed by my achievements, instead of considering the record only as I support and plain evidence of my advancement.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to create a certain perception about someone based on information from a third party, instead of talking to that person directly and checking if the information is true or not.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself the feelings of fear when notification about new mail or post appears, since I allowed myself to define myself to what others think of me, wanting to please everybody, and not directing myself as what is best for all without any doubt.
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2010 - The history and future of me and Desteni

I started to research human behavior extensively in year 2002 when my girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together, since she did 'not feel safe'. This was a big shock for me, since by my perception was that I did everything in my power to be the best partner possible. We had a great time together, we never had any physical fight, had enough money, large apartment, so I could not understand how she could not 'feel safe'.

This event motivated me to started reading hundreds of book about psychology and relationships, and that slowly brought me to more exotic books of spirituality, esoterica and so on. I also developed a skin condition and went to visit doctor, who prescribed me some ointment, but it had no effect. So a started to research alternative medicine, have visited specialists of Chinese Traditional Medicine, Indian Ayurveda, Reiki, Angelic and other healers, who were all very self-confident in the beginning but none of their therapy had any effect whatsoever.

I also started to practice meditation, yoga and tai-chi, joined Hare Krishna and similar groups and became vegetarian. After few years of learning and practicing Tai-Chi, I decided to also start to teach it on my own, so for one season I taught three groups of students in different cities in my country as a part-time job, doing design and photography before noon and Tai-Chi in the afternoon. But after my student started to ask questions about life that I could not answer, and since the Tai-Chi started to develop in a full-time business, I decided to quit teaching Tai-Chi and continue with design services and life research.

After 8 years of researching and experiencing all sorts of philosophies, religions, healing techniques and taking many different classes, I considered myself ready to offer professional counseling services in order to start supporting people in distress more effectively. So I sold all my photo equipment, transformed the studio in a nice counseling office, renamed my business to 'The Oasis of Love', and started offering Reiki and Angelic Counseling in order to attract and help people who were more new-age oriented. But since I had not enough clients, I had to took additional job of business directory traveling agent in order to support myself.

I was also very sad to see how the health of my mother got worse every monty. She was a midwife and thus the part of our official medical system, but none of the professional doctors was able to help her. She smoked a lot, had great problems and pain in the spine, gained weight very quickly, her skin became red and started to peel-off. They diagnosed her of being an alcohol addict, but I have never seen her drinking any alcohol at all. Then she hot a tumor discovered in the stomach, had surgery, and then she lost her weight rapidly, so she started to complain how her excessive skin was hang down. And in the middle of the summer last year she committed suicide by drowning in the nearby accumulation lake. So this is why I lost all my respect for our official western medicine, since they could not save even one of their own.

In October 2009 I had an accident and while recovering at home, I met Desteni via YouTube videos. I become very exited about the message and considered it to be the best solution to the human problems. So I decided to dedicate myself to Desteni fully, applied for Structural Resonance Alignment Training, renamed my business to 'Center for Oneness and Equality', and created new web site and leaflets in order to spread the message of Desteni and Structural Resonance Alignment Training. I have searched the Open Forum in order to see if there was already someone from Slovenia at the Desteni but I could not find anybody. However I did not introduced myself yet in on the forum since I had plan to finish reading and watching all the Desteni material first and then start to participating on the forum.

I was very surprised when someone sent me an e-mail, noticing me, that he made a report to Desteni that I am teaching Structural Resonance Alignment Training. I was happy to find out that I am not the only one from Slovenia, and that there were already a few young men, who have met Desteni even sooner than me. But I was not very fun of the way of finding this out, since it resulted in picturing me as abuser of Desteni and Structural Resonance Alignment Training solely for my self-interest. This is why I was forced to throw all my leaflets away and I also renamed my business to 'Valentin Rozman' which is my real name, since the people did not understand properly what 'Center for Oneness and Equality' was about.

After that I started to present my services as 'psychological counseling' and 'psychotherapy' services, not using Desteni name in any way whatsoever, in order to attract the most wider range of the people who were seeking help regarding emotions, feelings and relationship conflicts, and not getting any more in the conflict with Desteni. There is no law in our country to prevent using the keywords 'psychology' and 'psychotherapy' to describe the sort of counseling that one is offering. I made clear that I am not a psychologist with a degree, since my knowledge and understanding of how we function is much wider and deeper. But after several months of investing in printed and online promotion of my services, I have spent all my money and still not attracted enough clients to support myself. So I had to quit promoting counseling and restart my graphic design services.

I am now considering what would be the best for all. Some Desteni members from Slovenia expressed their perspective of my professional counseling services to be the act of taking the 'middle path' and in conflict with Desteni. Since I will now start to make my income by design services, and since I do not expect many counseling clients in the future, there is no need for me to charge for the counseling services anymore. This is true especially due to the launch of the Introduction To Desteni course, since I see it as the way of supporting others in much more effective way. So I decided to present myself from now on as a 'Graphic designer in the Desteni process'. I will produce my income solely by design services and Desteni Income Plan. If anyone would like to come for counseling, I will perform it for free, simply sharing myself and inviting everybody to join Desteni and Introduction To Desteni course.
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2010 - Feeling better, processing posts, feedbacks, choosing celibacy

Today is the third day of suffering vertigo and the condition has improved significantly. Yesterday I spent most of the day lying on the sofa, resting and watching vlogs, blogs and one interesting, almost 2 hours long video lecture Capitalism Hits the Fan from professor of economics Richard D. Wolff, who shared his perspective about true reason behind current economic collapse in the USA. Then at about 5pm my some close relative asked me if I could do some designs for his clients at his place. He lives just 5 minutes walk away, but since my vertigo was too strong, he then picked me up with his car. I worked there until 9pm and then he drove me back. After that I spent reading blogs, forums, watching vlogs and chatting until 3am. By yesterday evening my vertigo diminished for about 40% and I got stable enough not to get nausea anymore. Today the vertigo has gone for about 80%, but I feel still too dizzy to go out and visit potential clients for my design services. So I decided to stay home, write this blog, watch some others blogs and vlogs and in the afternoon, when some close relative returns home, I got again some design work to do at his place.

Now about my previous two blogs, wherein I described my second experience with the new girl, I got two feedbacks. The first one was the SMS from the girl itself, who asked me if I got any better and she expressed her hope that I would be able to find some girlfriend that would suit my needs. Her message indicated that she read my blog, so this came quite as surprise, since I did not expect her to follow my posts. I was considering to send her the link to my blog, but since her level of understanding english is suppose to be poor, I estimated that she would not to be able to understand it that she would even get offended by sharing my experience with her publcly. But as I see, she did not only read it, but also understood and accepted it very well. We exchanged some more SMS messages afterwards and she expressed her remorse since her language skills and current life situation do not enable her to be kind of agreement like I would want to. However we spent great time together, and that is what counts the most.

The second feedback came from some Desteni Slovenia member, who experienced my writing as praising myself and trying others to feel envy. She instructed me to immediately do self-forgiveness on these points. We had online chat, and I explained her, that if she experienced any emotional reactions while reading my post, it is up to her to self-forgive any thoughts, feelings and emotions. From my point of view, she is still reacting very much from the point of preaching, criticizing, blaming and projecting her own energetic movements on to others. I noticed many of her FaceBook comments, when she would argue with others about Desteni message, and she would very soon loose her temper and use the expression like: "Face this or die!". While most of Desteni members know what this expression is about, I do not recommend to use it in the first chat with others, since they would understand it simply as life threat, and this is not the way the chat should be experienced, if you want to stand as one end equal with the person who you chat with.

I have been involved in lots of online chats lately and I realized that I have to be very patient and become one with the person in order to explain what process I am currently in and to invite one to join standing up as life. It takes a lot of time, and whenever I was in a hurry, I would just start criticizing and driving the person away. And this is certainly not the effect that I wanted to achieve. Desteni is not about mind knowledge, one needs to get true realization and properly defuse pretty much every emotional reaction first in order to be proper support for others. This is why I also hold myself back and try not to comment much at this time, since I see, that I have quite some issues to deal with myself. So I am currently focusing on watching blogs and vlogs of others and writing myself to freedom in order to become able leading constructive conversation.

So far I have dedicated myself to watch all the Desteni and Subscription Forum new videos, I am up to date with all Subscription Forum topics and with Equal Money Forum Introduce Yourself section topics. I have subscribed to all most active Desteni members blogs on Blogger, have read and commented all recent posts, and I am reading and commenting all new ones. Yesterday I have found a way to also add blogs of Desteni members form WordPress and Multiply platforms to my Google Reader application, so now there is already another 117 blog posts for me to read, which I will focus on slowly in the following days. Then I have a plan to read all the post on the Equal Money Forum, and then also to be more active in the Desteni Open Forum, at least in the Introduce Yourself section. And of course, I have started to blog more often, and I will also continue with vlogging.

Regarding my recent dating activities, I experienced it as something very time and also quite money consuming, and this is not really what I want. While holding hands, kissing, hugging and having sex is very nice, I consider all this just I waste of time, since everything in the world is falling apart, and if I do not focus now on contributing to solutions, I am allowing this agony to continue, until it would eventually also hit me very hard. So no time for distraction with relationships, and I have decided not only to continue with stopping masturbation, but even to have a celibacy, so no sex at all until this mess in the whole world is sorted out properly.

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2010 - Having vertigo the whole day

Yesterday I wanted to wake up at the sign of alarm clock for not to sleep more than 6 hours. When I heard the alarm, I tried to stand up, but my head was a total mess. If I would move it just an inch, I would feel very dizzy, getting strong vertigo. I forced myself to get to the bathroom and with immense effort I managed to get to the toilet, where I defecated. When I stood up, I got nausea and tried to vomit, but then I did not since the feeling passed. When I looked myself in the mirror, I noticed, that I have a red swelling under my left eye, and when I took a piss, I noticed that the head of my penis is covered with tiny red boils. Then I went slowly to the living room where I laid on the sofa.

I was lying on the sofa the whole day, trying not to move, since even slightest movement of my head resulted in a strong vertigo. I felt no need to eat and drink, I only once went to the kitchen and had one cookie and a glass of water. I continued to lie down, hoping that my condition would improve in time. But it did not. And since I did not want all day to get wasted, at about 2pm I grabbed my notebook and started to write my blog about the second visit of the new girl. And it took me about 4 hours to type it. After posting the blog, I took a nap, and then started to watch Desteni members vlogs, blogs, new Subscription forum videos and went through all of Introduce Yourself section of the Money Forum, to greet all the members. At about 2am, I went to the bedroom.

When I woke up today, I expected the condition to be improved, but it basically stayed the same. I went to the bathroom with great effort, and then stepped to the living room gently, stopping after making a few steps, since every movement resulted in great nausea. When I reached the living room with the kitchen, the nausea became so great that I vomited into the kitchen sink. Of course nothing much came out of me, since my stomach was empty. I felt a bit better after, but vertigo remained, so I just prepared myself I jug of water and placed it on the table near sofa, where I lied down and started to write this blog.

Of course I tried to figure out what is the cause of this condition of mine, and there are many possible factors. If I look back, I can see, that my weekend was quite full, busy and stressful. On the sunday morning I went with my friend to the Nature & Health fair at about 8am. It was an hour drive with my car to the Ljubljana capital city. The fair was big, noisy, and I got involved in several intense and long discussions with some people who I already knew and were exhibiting their product or services. I tried to spread the word about Desteni and invited them to check the material.

One of the conversations took place outside, in the fair yard, where I was sitting down in a bit cold windy an sunny place with some girl, who has decided to live in community at the high mountain farm. I tried to explain her that running away from the civilization and enjoying the nature is not the best solution for the world problems, but she simply kept having a large smile on her face, enjoying her good feeling, and arguing that she was once an activist, but then she realized that one can do nothing against the system and the only thing that one can do, is to care for oneself and be a living example of how one can live in harmony with nature. From the books she found out about how experiments of small groups of people meditating resulted in significant dropping of the crime rate in surrounding area.

So by her believe, collective awareness is changing automatically by keeping joyful an peaceful thoughts in the mind, and it takes just a few percent of population with changed thinking an living patterns, in order to influence the rest of population, and that is suppose to be a scientific proven fact. When I asked her if she eats, and how is she contributing to feed the starved people around the word, she answered that this world is just an illusion, that even human bodies are not real, that she eats very little and simply for the sake of socializing. Many people come to visit their farm and they all return changed. So there is no need to change the system but just to be a living example and let others to also change the way they live by themselves. She did not want to consider my arguments, she hugged me joyfully, said that I will one day realize all this, and then she left. Time will prove, whose solutions are really the best for all.

Me and my friend left the fair at about 3pm and then we picked my forgotten pants from the past Desteni Slovenia group meeting, which waited for me at the Hilda's place, and then we turned home. When we arrived to Radovljica, with is the city, closest to the places where we both live, my friend invited me for a half of pizza, and so we had a dinner. After that I drove him to his place, and I went to my some close relative's place a few blocks away, since we planned to mounting one large advertising sign for some restaurant roof. It was an hour drive, and then it took us about an hour to finish the job in the slightly wind condition. While returning back, we stopped at the Jesenice retirement home and visited my grandmother, who always prepares a lot of food for me to take it to my home.

After returning to my place, I started to tidy my apartment since the new girl was to visit me. All about her visit I already explained in the previous blog post. So the reason for the vertigo could be due too extensive exposure to sun and the wind, too intense stress, physical and sexual activities, or it could be also some food poisoning or anything else that I even did not considered yet. I experience this kind of vertigo and nausea a few times per year for no known reason and it usually ends within one day. But now, it is the same condition already for the second day and I have no idea how long it will take it to improve. If no change after two days, I might go to the doctor to check what is wrong. And if anyone of you who are reading this, have any suggestions, please comment and let me know what to do.

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