28 December 2010

2010 - Analyzing my dreams of deep water and great hight

I had I dream while I was waking up today. It was at the sea beach and I was part of some group that had vacations there and we had a delicious free meals and we were able to swim and jump into the water from different hight. The weather was warm and sunny, and the access to the water was from the pier or from coastline escarpment. There was no slow increase of the depth of water and it was about 1,5 meters deep right at the coastline and it slowly increased in depth every meter away from the shore. So you could jump into the water on your foot and there was no danger of getting hurt. But if jumping from greater hight, you had to push yourself off the jumping spot and land a few meter away from the shore in much deeper water.

There was also a very high building right next to the shore and it was about 10 floors high and it included the jumping platforms at every 3rd floor. You had to climb the stair and then wait for the people in front of you to jump first until it was finally your turn. I was at the jumping platform at the highest floor and it was finally my turn to jump. I looked down and it seems to me a very great distance to the water. I was considering if I was to jump, if it was safe to jump and that I could easily hurt myself or even die jumping from this hight. There were some swimmers just bellow my jumping area, they were swimming and jumping into the water from the shore level and they were not aware that there is a jumping spot right above their heads. I could easily hit someone while performing my jump and we could both get hurt.

There was also the point of judging the jumps. It was not like you were jumping just for your pleasure, every jump has been judged from others. The boy who jumped right before me performed a very still jump. He did not push off the platform to land in much deeper water away from the shore, but did just one step forward, enough to lose ground and fall into the depth. He grabbed his feet with his hands and pressed his head to his knees, in order to fall half-folded into the water, with his feet and head firstly touching the water surface, to produce as low diving resistance as possible. So his fall was not in the shape of arch, but just straight vertical line, remaining in one single body position almost right from the top and all the way down, until he would elegantly dive into the water. His point of breaking the water surface was just one meter from the hard stone coastline escarpment and if strong wind would blow from the sea to the beach, he would have smashed his head like a water mellon and died immediately.

But he was ok this time, and the judges gave him a very high score for his performance. And now it was my turn. I was considering what type of jump should I make. Should I also simply let myself fall down, should I push myself off and land more away from the shore to land in much deeper water, should I jump to my feet or should I perform a frontal jump, stretching my hands sideways from my body, and then positioning them in front of my head right before I would break the water surface. This would of course be much more elegant jump with possibilities of much higher scores, but is would be also much more dangerous jump. The angle of the body and the rotation moment would have to be just right for my body to reach the total vertical shape when touching the water. Since the hight is very large and it would take several seconds before I merry the water, I could miscalculate the proper force and rotate too little or too much, breaking the water surface flat, with much larger area of my body, and thus producing pressure to my skin that would result in pain and red skin or even injury of internal organs.

I concluded that this hight is too much for me and that I am too scared to jump, fearing of hurting myself. But I know that this fear is only due to lack of experience, so I decided to start jumping from lower hight and then slowly increasing the hight. At each level I would perform as many jumps as needed in order to totally remove all the fear and then I would go one level higher. This is the practice at all the sports. You start with smaller goals and then you push yourself higher and further. So I went down the stairs and got dressed and went to the dining room for a delicious meal and decided to continue with jumping from the level that is appropriate for me and then to progress slowly but surely.

And this is not the only dream that included water and hight that I had recently. A few days ago I had even more fantastic dream with diverse natural landscape, like Grand canyon and mountains like Mount everest in Tibet. The canyon was very deep, with crystal clear blue water, with many large lakes, and up above there would be high mountains with gorgeous views. I was part of the group that stayed in the cabin at some very hight and large mountain cliff and there would be a few kilometers of abyss bellow our cliff. It was very strange, but I needed to reposition our cabin to the new sport right to the edge of the cliff and there was a great danger of the cabin slipping on the rocks and falling into the abyss and crushing when hitting the hard rocks in the valley ground.

In the next scene of this dream I have been sailing down the river in the quite large white ship, crossing numerous gorgeous large lakes and straits in order to sail myself home. But there was a problem since I was in foreign country and whenever I would cross some strait to reach the next large lake down the river stream, I would have to pay a fee. I had the money but it was not it he local currency and I had great problems with exchanging the money and paying the fee. I imagined how nice it would be for all the world to have the same currency or if no one would charge any fee when crossing the regional borders, so we could al move freely and enjoying our life and the beautiful nature.

So if I try to analyze my dreams, I see that both include water and great hight. I remember that I have a history of bad experiences connected to water. For example when I was young and we had I school holiday at the sea, I would suffer unbearable pain in my ears. After I would come from the water, some water would stay in my ears and if the wind would blow, I would get an ear infection with tremendous stabbing pain in my ears. The doctor prescribed antibiotic pills and I would have to rest until I would get better. I had to become very careful to always wipe dry my ears and to protect my head with a cap over my ears whenever wind would blow, even in the middle of the hottest summer.

Sometimes in my early years I also totally lost my hearing ability on my left ear. I do not know exactly when this happened, but when my parents noticed that I am not responding to their calls as usual, they appointed me for a hearing ability check in the hospital. They established that I became deaf on my left ear, but the hearing on the right ear is still perfect. I made myself believe that I unconsciously became deaf on one ear in order to enjoy the silence while sleeping. Our house was not far from the railway road and I did not like for noise of trains to annoy me. So I concluded that becoming half deaf was to support me in order to be able to sleep with the head resting on the bed the way that the hearing ear would be covered and thus reducing the surrounding noise.

I remember how I needed complete silence in order to be able to fall asleep, and every single tiny noise would cause for me not to be able to fall into sleep for hours. Like in the army for example, when we were all sleeping in the room together, there was I clock on the wall, making tick-tack noise, and I was not able to fall asleep until I would stand up, remove the battery from the clock and thus removing the source of annoying repeating sound. This is obviously very silly, but this is just the way I functioned. I also asked the lieutenant to speak orders more loudly when we were marching in the row. After they inspected my hearing ability in the army, I was sent home only after one month of service, so this is another example of my hearing inability convenience. Otherwise I am able to hear perfectly when I am with other people, so most of my friends and people I meet do not know that I am deaf on one ear.

Now to continue with the symbolism, I came to conclusion that water represent the unconscious mind and that my fear of diving deep into the water represent the fear of facing myself with my accepted and allowed unconscious mind patterns. Regardless of how I might think that I am a brave nice child, I have to admit that I have been fighting all my life in order not having to face myself or the systems down below, under the surface of my awareness. In fact I have allowed myself to be quite naughty and evil guy, constantly doing some damage to myself and others. I was not willing to face this points, so I had to be punished and my physical gave me quite a number of painful lessons. I can not believe the extent of self-abuse that I have been allowing. I mean, how much do I need to suffer before I will get to the common sense.
  1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mind-fucked and enduring pain, instead of getting it and correcting myself according to the reality of this existence.

  2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that physical pain is the result of some force from out there, attacking me for no reason and that I am suffering unjustly, instead of realizing that the physical is supporting me in my path of self-realization.

  3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts and to think, since thoughts are the product of mind-conscious system, created with the intend to steal my attention from being aware of what is reality, which is only the physical in this very moment.

  4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump from too great hight, meaning setting too high goals and then failing due to fear, instead of setting smaller goals that I am capable of realizing at this stage and then progressing slowly in accordance with my newly gained realization.

  5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk alone, protecting my ego, choosing the hard way and abusing myself, instead of slowing myself, allowing myself to be supported from others and giving them equal support, so we could sort his reality much more quicker and establish heaven on earth.

  6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the personality of scared poor child that needs a lot of love and support, constantly requiring the attention of my parents and others, sucking the energy of others like a fucking vampire, instead of standing as one and equal to others and supporting them equally as they are supporting me, becoming life, instead of the zombie, organic robot and a dead system that is abusing life.

  7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of support of others, projecting the experience of past failed support of my parents and others, instead of realizing that the Desteni support is different, that people here are really standing with me as one and equal and that I absolutely need the support since I have been deceiving myself extensively so far and am thus not even able to trust myself at this stage.

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