27 December 2010

2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube continued

I was surprised how many points popped-up when I started to write about my suppressed reaction regarding YouTube. I learned that only while writing, one is able to slow the mind enough to effectively expose all the secret mind. This has been especially clearly shown while walking the first SRAT mind construct with assistance of Andrea. I have become overwhelmed with the amount of points and information that is to be dealt with. The way I learned to do things in my life is very perfectionistic and this is easier to achieve in regards to physical word than walking some tangible unconscious mind networks. What blows my mind away is also the responsibility for everything that exists in this world. I feel like I am over capacity and this also results in occasional strong vertigo. As I would like to see myself with the mind unplugged, the thoughts constantly run thought my head and the breathing is not effective. I somehow need to find the balance in my life in order my head not to explode from all the  information.

Now back to the point about my recent YouTube emotional reaction. I reacted the moment when I became aware that I did not click the "I like it" button on the several videos that I just watched. I became angry about myself, since now I would have to suffer the labour of reopening all the already closed videos. This is in fact a very little job to do, but I want to be as effective in my life as possible and I became mad when I am not excelling at every point. A see the origin in this kind of perfectionism in my father, who pushed me extensively for many year when I was working at pre-press department of our graphic company. I already wrote about this point, but I seems that it has rooted so deep that I will have to defuse it over and over again until it is finally completely defused.
  1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry at myself when I noticed that I forgot to like some YouTube videos, going into my mind and projecting my personality of perfectionistic guy that does not make any mistakes, instead of breathing, remaining here and taking the necessary steps without any emotional reaction.

  2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to live the personality of perfectionistic guy, since there is no such thing as perfection, everything in this reality is relative, and every definition is purely the result of one point connecting with other point.

  3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I am better than others since I have copied all the positive moral principles from my parents and gained extensive mind knowledge, instead of realizing that all the mind knowledge is useless, that nothing that I learned is valid, since the reality is always here, changing, and it exists beyond the comprehension of the limited mind.

  4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to project myself into the future, imagining what everything I will need to do to solve this reality, going into my mind and allowing my life anergy to become drained out, feeling exhausted and having to rest, instead of remaining here, breathing effectively and walking one point after another.

  5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I need to rescue this existence, imagining how I will go into politics, becoming the president of our country, and then giving up, imagining that collaboration with other people would be to much to handle, instead of allowing myself to walk step by step and facing every situation and anyone if face here in the moment of actual contact.

  6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of other peoples support, holding to an idea that I am perfect, that I do not need support, and defining any support as attack to my already established perfection, instead of realizing that I am in deep mind-fuck, deceiving myself extensively and running away from actually facing myself.

  7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to check the length of my blog post and counting the number of self-forgiveness, comparing the length of my blog post to blog posts of others and thinking about finishing with this blog, instead of allowing myself to continue writing with any secret-mind thought that pops-up.

  8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry about myself when counting the number of self-forgiveness lines and concluding that I need to write some more lines since I compared the number of lines with number of lines at blogs of some other Desteni members, feeling that I am underachiever and that I need to push myself more, instead of realizing that whatever number of lines I write in this blog is cool, since they are the result of my current ability to face myself and I should not allow myself for any opinion of others regarding this point to influence me emotionally in any way whatsoever.

  9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to copy the behavior pattern of my father of being a loner, self-dependent person, living and working alone and not allowing myself to collaborate with others effectively, instead of realizing that separation is the root of all evil in this world, and that we can only exist if we support each other and exchange our insight fully and openly.

  10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that life is about achieving goals, setting and reaching one goal after another and becoming depressed, instead of realizing that life is never ending story that can be lived only by being fully present here and taking one point after another, considering what is best for all and supporting every single living being equally.

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