23 April 2013

Day 23: Toxic relationship

Days 21 and 22 are in my Slovenian blog

Yesterday I good female friend came to a visit for a business presentation of the new product that I am selling. It was agreed that I do the presentation also for my girlfriend at the same time. While doing presentation, my girlfriend made a few remarks in relation to my presentation that I did not find very constructive and supportive. But instead of me saying anything to her about that, it was a visiting friends who initiated quite extensive dialogue with my girlfriend and reflected her extremely negative, mediocre and unsupportive attitude.

Later the visiting friend shared her story about how she recently decided to brake up with her boyfriends since he was pulling her down. Before she met him, she had no problem earning a lot of money, however after meeting her boyfriend, her ability to keep money wend down extremely fast. Her boyfriend constantly programmed her with believed that having money is bad, that all rich man are crooked and that it is best to live simple natural life without need to have a lot of money.

Her boyfriend had opinion that he is just being realistic, that his opinion is total true and this influenced also his girlfriend. She tried everything possible to keep her head above the water, but even though she had been aware that money by itself is just a tool, on the unconscious level she adopted the mind patterns of her boyfriend to the extent where she lost the ability to create and attract money. Only after she broke up, she was able to clear the limiting believes that she accepted from his boyfriend and now the money started to accumulate again in her life.

That story made me also consider relationship with my girlfriend. I can easily conclude that she has extremely limiting believes about money and wealth and that she definitely influences me unconsciously. There is also a strong correlation between the time where she entered my life and the time where I started to loose my customers and ability to earn money. It has also been strange to me why all the extensive marketing that I made for my end her business services had no effect and why almost all customers came just once and never returned. I gave her to distribute hundreds of promotional flyers and not even one person called yet.

I am asking myself what is holding me in relationship with my girlfriend and why am I allowing all this destructive and limiting influence. There are definitely things that I like about my girlfriend, like the way she admires me, mostly my body attributes, how we enjoy sex, and how we both tend to research secrets of life. However she is a very stubborn person and every feedback or perspective that I express to her, she accepts as personal attack, does not engage in constructive dialogue, but just fights back and protects her current thinking and behavior patterns without any willingness to change.

When reflecting her patterns of constant criticism of others, exposing only the negative perspective, feeling sorry for herself and fearing of loosing money, she did not consider this as opportunity to change, but started to protect her ego by telling me and others that we are the negatives and that she will not allow to be yelled at and tolled what to do. She consideres herself as a brave working and totally honest girl, who does the best. It is just others who simply do not understand her and see her inner beauty.

I supported her for almost 4 year now, mentally and finically and waited and waited until she would be ready to start her process of inner transformation. She read a lot of spiritual books and told me, how Osho basically saved her life due to constant strong mantal attacks from her parents. I have met her parents and experienced myself extreme level of verbal abuse that she had been exposed to. I admire how she in spite of all the shit that she took in her life, she is relatively sane. However within the context of our relationship where I push myself extremely to transcend my own limiting mind patterns, she is the one that does not want to do the process and is pulling me down.

When entering any relationship I understand that there are some issues by harmonizing the lives of two people who have been living separate and are now together. There is always a question about what is the reason for mutual attraction, what inherited behavior patterns to tolerate and when to see that the magnitude of destructive behavior is too high for a long lasting harmonious relationship. I decided that in my case this tipping point has been reached and I will not longer tolerate the current ways of interaction with my girlfriend. Yesterday's visit opened my eyes. I see now that I have been compromising myself by allowing a person in my life with too limiting mind patterns.

I have been tolerating mental abuse from my girlfriend for too long and this also reflects on my ability to sell my products and earn enough money to cover my monthly expenses. I can simply no longer afford to go even more in debt. I understand that my believes are my responsibility and I am doing my process in order to transcending them, however my girlfriend is obviously influencing me to that extend that she is able to program me with limiting believes faster that I am able to clear them out. I want a more supportive relationship that would not be based only on some sweet words and physical admiration, but deep mutual understanding and willingness to change extensively in order to not only create a harmonious relationship, but also change the world system to what is best for all.

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