Day 184: Body pain, sex and relationships

Several days after I wrote my last blog post where I actually decided to remain single and not ger involved in dating, I started to doubt if that is actually the best decision for me. I wondered if being single is something that is for me supportive or is a result of staying in my comfort zone and protecting my limitations. I have been asking myself is it a desire for sex something natural to myself and something that I want and need to express in order to stay healthy or is only a pre-programmed system that is just distracting me. I listened again to all of the supportive audios that I listed at the end of my previous blog post titled To Have Children, Or Not that explained that desire to have children is a program on a physical DNA level as the survival mechanism of the human body. And that it is driving us towards having children as soon as possible in order to continue its existence. Based on that I have started to wonder if I should take this desire of my physical body into consideration and become a father and what would it take from me to manifest this. I imagined myself in a position where my life it this body would come to an and end if I would have any regrets if I decided not to have any children.

For several days that followed, I have lived with a decision that remaining single is something that I am just comfortable with. I simply enjoyed the peace and freedom of having the whole apartment just for myself and feeling relief after my conflictual female flatmate moved out a couple of months ago. However, I wondered why there is a slight inflammatory pain persisting in my right scrotum. That pain strongly activated for the first time after my ex-flatmate became very nasty towards me. And I was not yet able to define clearly what that pain represents. I perceived it as an expression of the sadness of my physical body for being rejected by females and thus not being able to reproduce. Or better to say the expression off frustration due to the mind-consciousness system of my ex-flatmate to prevent her to enjoy the physical intimacy with my physical body without any fear and projection of blame. Consequently, I expected that after she moves out the pain of my scrotum would dissipate as there would be no more female in my proximity that would trigger such response. Since the pain did not disappear completely I wondered if my that is actually my body telling me that it craves sex and that if I continue to ignore that warning, it might develop into cancer or a tumor.

So the fear of negative health consequences and the possibility of regret that I wasted my life potential of having my own children resulted in a feeling of sadness and loneliness that I wanted to resolve. That lead me to a decision to reengage in dating. I started to think about what kind of partner do I want, how would I find the best mate to have children with and what ways of searching should I apply. I refreshed my previous online dating profile, browsed the Facebook profiles and also started to observe the females at the shopping malls and other outside areas. What I noticed that I found very little females that attracted me visually and that fit my preferences. I observed myself how by looking at the face of a person I am able to identify their expression, personality, and character. So I was seeking a very female with very specific traits since I do not want to be with someone who is using their emotions or looks to manipulate me and compromise myself in any way. I was open only to a mature, responsible and self-realized individual that would consider me as an equal and would want a mutually supportive relationship.

I found that the girls that I found the most attractive were already in a relationship or had kids with previous relationships. And by attractive I do not mean by general beauty standards of society since I prefer natural-looking girls with short nails, without makeup and wearing flat shoes. I wondered how much time shall I invest in dating and what compromises shall I allow because I doubt that I would be able to find just THE one that would be perfect in all perspectives. For example, Filipino girls are known to be sincere, drama-free and caring however they are also much shorter, however, they pretty much expect the man to be the main provider. And there is also the question of mixing the races, cultures and having to learn a new language. Nevertheless, by browsing thousands of online profiles and liking many dozens of those that I found to be perspective, only one girl replied so far. I am not sure how many hours should I additionally invest in online dating and how long shall I wait with hopes that those that I liked will respond. There have also been a lot of other girls who liked my profile however none of them has been something that fits my basic criteria.

An additional concern is that I am currently developing my new business services and dating took a lot of time and attention away from it. So I have been wondering if focusing on dating is possibly not just something that I am distracting myself in order to postpone having to face all that is necessary for my business to start creating a sufficient income for myself. My justification was that I am not very determined about what I actually want to do to provide for my needs. I can see myself just comfortable with a girl who has their own business and I would support her at that. This is why I also wrote a letter 3 days ago to a girl that I know from before and has a company that publishes books for personal development and I am awaiting her response. Basically, I would prefer if some girl would pick me based on my character and skills and incorporate me in her life in such a way that I would be living a drama-free life and have my basic needs met. Yet such a scenario is very rare since it is a custom for the men to pick girls and provide for them and not the way around.

Now the main reason why I actually decided to write this blog post is that I am having a pain in the most lower back region that emerged around the time when I re-engaged in dating and has been persisting ever since. From the Desteni article and related Eqafe audios, I learned that the lower back pain is a resonant consequence of giving away personal power. Already just after I read the article and listened to the audios, I felt significant relief in my lower back. And they assisted me while writing this blog post to narrow the array of possible causes for such pain. I am now going to write also additional self-forgiveness and corrective statements to release the underlying mind patterns with even greater effect:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by the pain in my scrotum my body is telling me that it needs sexual intercourse with a woman or even to reproduce itself by making any female body pregnant. I realize that I actually did not do sufficient research to identify the true cause for the pain which I assume is rather connected to my response based on the recent experience with my ex-flatmate. I commit myself to when and as I experience any pain to slow down, take time, do the necessary research and ask others for their perspective in order to remove the actual cause of the pain. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my human physical body can not stay healthy if it does not have regular sexual intercourse with a female. I realize that sexual intercourse is actually only necessary for the purpose of conceiving a child and that urge for sex without actually wanting a child originates from the sex system that the mind-consciousness system uses to rejuvenate itself by extraction of the physical body energy during the act of sex. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have not had sex in so much time so you urgently need to find yourself a sex partner in order to stay healthy!” to stop, breathe and look at what are all the contributory factors that triggered a sexual urge in myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting my life by not having children and that as a man I am a loser for not spreading my genes wide. I realize that having children is optional and that some life paths result in having children and some not for a multitude of reasons. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at your younger brother that has produced two daughters and you will be a loser if you do not have any children of your own”! to stop and breathe. I then rather look at my tendency to compare myself and compete with my brother and other men and realize that my life can be equally valuable as of those who have children of their own because we all express in different ways and all decisions have a reason. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not interesting enough for other women since almost none of them contacted me via the social networks and online dating websites where I have had a profile for many years. I realize that I actually have had not a very strong desire to be in a relationship and that many female friends reported to me how they are swamped with the messages of men thus rarely do they even think of messaging men based on their own initiative. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Since almost no women messaged you about dating in the last years you are not attractive enough so there is no point in continuing of online dating activities” to stop and breathe. I then rather define more clearly what I want in a potential relationship and become more proactive in dating since success in all sorts of cases in the result of focus, persistence, and repetition.

Additional suggested related support audios to listen:
Overwhelmed with Sexual Fantasies
Relationship Fantasies
Fear of Commitment
Sexual Attraction
Sexual Desires
Natural Sexual Expression
Suppressed Sexual Fantasies
Sex and Relationships in Existence
My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind

Day 183: Sexual relationship and reproduction

Recently I have been wondering about my intimate relationships. It has been 7 years since I broke up with my last girlfriend after 3 years of living together. I only had sex with another female about one year after that however for the last 6 years I had no sexual intercourse with any women. Until a couple of months ago I have been in regular contact with a girl who first moved into our apartment building with her boyfriend. About a year ago they broke up and she became my flatmate. We were researching an option to become a couple however she terribly feared to become pregnant so we never had sexual intercourse. That kind of relationship was not very pleasant since there was a sexual attraction between two of us however her fear and projections of past negative experiences that were mostly copied from her mother who has been sexually abused was something that she was unable to free herself from. It was nice not to live alone however her increased outbursts of anger, blame, and even some slight physical abuse slowly became unbearable for me. Eventually, the landlord ordered her to move out and I again rented the whole apartment for myself.

In the past years, I have looked deeply into my relationship patterns that resulted in attracting females that were far from emotionally balanced. I realized how I coped behavior patterns from my parents, especially my father where I wanted to be in a role of a savior however also had a belittling attitude towards women as the result of my superiority tendency. I transformed that pattern to the point where I no longer am seeking nor accepting to be in a relationship where I will allow myself to abuse others, note do I allow anymore to abuse me. The only kind of relationship that I am willing to be in is where mutual respect and equality will be applied at all times.

For as long as I remember being in a relationship with a woman was not my priority. I already wrote about how the greatest satisfaction in my current life is to be of service to my father. Meaning that whenever he calls me to be available for him immediately or as soon as possible and to produce graphic designs or do anything else that he desires. And my second priority is to enjoy a peaceful life where I can continue focusing on self-perfection and research the secrets of how the whole existence functions. After that and only occasionally I find myself imagining how great would be to engage in sex with a young attractive woman.

My motivation for sex is enjoyment in touch and the smell of women and pleasuring each other until the point of achieving an orgasm. However sexual intercourse can also result in pregnancy and all the related obligations to care for a child for at least 18 years and bear legal consequences for their actions. I also have considered being a father for the purpose of raising a human being that would be an example of a responsible and very capable member of society. However, I would be prepared to have kids only with a very emotionally stable and responsible woman and I have not met any female that fits such criteria.

Many have children for the purpose of showing off in front of others or to try to compensate by them for things they lacked to have or experienced in their life or to continue a bloodline in order to strategically achieve some big international agenda. So it is mostly a projected motivation of self-centered starting point. I, on the other hand, have already enough work with facing my own mind and clearing all the self-deceptions that created pain and conflict in my past life. I see having a child as a potential to assist a process of self-reflection however it can also be a distraction from taking time to look inside of self and correct all the points of separation.

I thus wonder if it is worth to engage in a relationship with someone else in order to have a sexual partner and risk complicating life or to just stay satisfied with pleasuring myself when I have the desire to experience an orgasm. Basically, I see the sex system as a big distraction and something that diminishes my mental abilities. I would so much prefer for humans to be more like the animal and have sex only when deciding to have children and also at such occasion to carefully pick the most compatible partner so that the kids would be healthy and strong. Because now our children are more reproductions of the minds and proof of devolution in terms of physical bodies.

So I am out there on many of the online dating networks and I dare some women that fit my criteria to contact me. I am giving enough opportunities for those who seek a partner like me to find me and I also am liking the profiles of girls that I like. The time will show whether I am destined to connect with anybody that is equally seeking a very deep and honest relationship or if in this life I am to stay single, yet fulfilled more than most of the males who are in superficial relationships.

Related supportive audios:
Self-Honesty in your Relationship with Yourself
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse
I Fear Missing out
Sins of the Fathers
You Create Your Child's World
Family Planning
I Kept it All in
To Have Children, Or Not
When Your Self and Life Are Off Course

Day 182: Al-one and One-ness

During the process of self-realization, I have been aligning myself with the principle of oneness and equality. I comprehend this principle as the fact that existence is one (singular) and consequently, everything that exists is part of the existence and connected to it. Thus any sensation that perceives any part of existence as separate (unconnected) to the totality of existence is an illusion of separation. Thus also I who is perceiving my human physical body as something separate in this physical existence am also under the influence of such illusion. Before I came to that realization I have been driven by the illusional character of someone that needs to constantly impress others by discovering and sharing secret knowledge and information. However, the consequence of becoming self-aware that I can actually never exist as a manifestation of separation has been losing interest to do anything particular in order to protect my illusion of separation or to create even more illusional separate parts by having children of my own.

However, consciously using logic as the base for the realization that separation can in fact not exist has not resulted in also automatically removing the perception of separation via the senses of my human physical body. And I also do not have the ability to leave my human physical body by my own will. Sleeping does in a way temporarily disconnect me from the perception of being in the physical body however whenever I wake up I still find myself in it. Thus I am facing a decision about how to function in this physical world until the perception of me being in my current physical body ends for good. The main thing that I am occupying myself with is maintaining my awareness of oneness and equality in every single moment. Which practically means to stop any distraction of my mind in the form of thoughts end energetic reactions that tempt me into losing my awareness. And to also stop any influence by anything and anyone that I perceive as being outside of my human physical body and equally tempt me to persuade that separation is real.

Related Eqafe audios:
Inversion to Oneness with The Universe
You are me in another life
Purpose and Creation
My Relationship with Aloneness
Creator or Created
Individuality & Equality
Location of Existential Physical Process
It is Not About Oneness but About Living

Day 181: How my curiosity became superiority

I grew up in quite a supportive family environment where I was able to develop many physical and intellectual skills. My parents assured a pretty balanced life for me and my brother since we spent a lot of time hiking in nature, however, we also got to use a lot of different toys and the latest electronic devices. I enjoyed learning, discovering new things and experimenting. There were also some limiting factors of my over-protective father who was not skilled at showing emotions and had was not enough skilled in verbal communication. So instead of patiently verbalizing his thoughts, he used physical force to punish me and my brother if we did not obey him or produced some damage. That, of course, imprinted as traumatic experiences and resulted in resentment towards him. However, if I compare my childhood experiences with my classmates, they were much better than the experiences of others.

I see that my father tried to be the best parent that he could and was a very capable provider in terms of physical assets. He made a lot of innovations and has strived to excel at everything that he decided to be involved in. And everything that he provided for me I took for granted. He was proud of himself and also proud of my achievements. I can relate to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory in terms of how nerdy and unsocialized I was. Not really to the extent as in the TV series, but somewhat similar. I stood out in middle school because my father provided me with the best study accessories and even making a custom wooden suitcase to transport them. And I was so nerdy that I stayed in the computer classroom many hours after the class ended.

It is well known that children are naturally curious and they especially in the first 7 years learn things very fast. I see that my father provided me with an environment where I was able to expand myself to a great level. However, what I lacked was a balanced development of some other skills since I was not encouraged very much in the fields of arts, music, and social skills. I was not so much raised for the purpose of someday starting to function as an independent part of society and to treat everyone as equal. The priority was mostly about becoming superior to others so that my father could be proud of me. Or better to say so that he could be proud of himself by treating me and my achievements as the result of his contribution.

Thus being used to be praised by my father and his friends, I could not understand why my classmates did not treat me in the same way. Instead, ob receiving appraisals, they expressed their envy, hate and bullied me. I am only now starting to comprehend that it was because I actually did not care much for anyone else but for myself and about how to impress my father. Since my motivation was only to be superior to others, I also judged and criticized others in order to make them superior to myself. I have been very self-centered and evil to others. And even now, after all these years, I still have to make a great effort not to communicate with others from the point of superiority.

Striving towards perfection is still something that drives me to this day. I am attracted to discovering all the secrets of existence. Oddly creating a family or a stable income was not part of that perfection equation. I am justifying that by defining myself as me being the whole of existence and others being are part of me thus all are my children, brothers, and sisters. And no matter how much money and possession I got and how I make my living it does not matter since we are all one. However, that conscious definition does not yet reflect in my practical life. Since every time I have a tendency to impress others, to show my superiority and not to treat them as equal, I fail to apply the realization of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my curiosity to mostly those things that I can use to impress others, especially my father. I realize that doing things just to get attention and approval of others is conditioning myself to be in constant fear of others not liking what I research and do. I commit myself to when and as I stumble of some new information and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should research this because it will make you smarter in the eyes of others!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider how many personal resources studying the information will take and to what extent I would by sharing such information be able to assist others without any self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good and superior when and as I share any information with others. I realize that such positive feelings are the result of my internal conflict when and as I define myself and information that I possess as superior and others as inferior to me. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should share some very special information that they do not know yet about!” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I rather understand the context of the conversation, state of the mind of the people that I am communicating at that moment and then share information that actually is beneficial to at least someone of them while staying emotionally stable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when communicating with others to use advanced vocabulary and use the voice tonality of a superiority character. I realize that even with just using words that others can not completely understand and by using a specific tone, that I still communicate from a point of superiority and thus am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use some very complex word and speak it with utmost self-confidence!” to stop and breathe. I then rather become one and equal with the ones I communicate with, use only the words that I am sure that they understand and keep a humble tone of voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when wanting to solve some situation with someone to be bossy and to tell them what they should do. I realize that by just explaining my problems and demanding solutions I am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I have a situation to solve and my mind is producing thought like: “Just share your point of view and tell others what you see as the best solution that you see!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my concerns, ask as many questions to understand the perspectives the best way possible and then support the solution that would be in the best interest of all.

Recommended online course and related audios:
Desteni I Process
The Elitist Mind
The Cure for Curiosity
Thirst for Knowledge
What I Thought Was Important
Great Expectations
Learning to Play Again
Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments
Redefining Humble & Considerate
Superiority of Ego vs. Superior Living of Self

Day 180: Assumption and presumption as the root of evil

Recently I have received a registered letter from a representative of a public authority, related to a legal matter that I was involved in one year ago. I considered the case closed and expected that any authority will now leave me alone so that I can focus on developing my new business plan. When reading the content of the letter I found the sentences that can easily be interpreted as someone threatening to kidnap me. And the letter could also be interpreted of me being suspected of breaking the law where if I would be found as guilty could be sentenced up to 2 years in prison. The letter thus ignited my imagination and played the most unwanted and harmful scenarios for me. Consequently, a massive amount of fear triggered within me and I was not sure how to respond. Initially, I prepared two versions of the letter in order to protect my interests and I send them to some of my closest friends, asking them for support and perspective. After their feedback, I then decided for a different, much more mild approach.

I based my writing on realizations after I watched several online videos, explaining tricks and traps of the letters, sent from government agencies. And also how languages have been deliberately corrupted so that dictionaries define the meaning of words differently than what they actually mean based on the root words that they are comprised of. An additional problem is that in common dictionaries there are many definitions of the same word. And there exist even special dictionaries that certain groups and secret societies use to explain the meaning of certain words in their own way. Like for example lawyers us the Black's Law Dictionary. So when one receives a letter in their mailbox it is up to them to read the words and to try to understand what their meaning is.

There are also rules in terms of time passed that are being taken into account when someone has sent you a letter. And also letters are legally being considered as an offer, no matter how threatening the words on the paper might sound. However, we are not taught in public schools about such rules and laws that some use in our disadvantage. We are being raised to be ignorant of our rights and only when we receive letters that tell us to comply with something that we do not agree with, we start to search for the ways of self-protection.

Generally, it is being considered that if someone is doing something and we do not object, we are giving permission to what they are doing. In a similar way, if someone sends us a letter, especially in a registered form where they have proof of delivery, they expect that we agree with the content of the letter if we do not send a registered letter back in a specific period of time. Registered letters that are sent from government officials to persons are even considered as delivered after 14 days even if they have not been collected by a living human. I wondered how is this possible since it did not make any sense to me.

That leads me to the research of legal definitions of what is the person and if I am actually a person or something different. What I discovered is that there is a world of legal fiction where something is considered as real despite not actually existing. So I wondered what I must do to be considered as a real living human and my words not to be ignored by the legal system as someone who is considered dead or lost at sea. I am now learning about how to legally claim to be living life and to thus become officially protected by the harmful attempts from legal fiction.

My most important realization is that language is the key. Thus the one who controls the language controls everything. One who explained this is in great detail was: DAVID-WYNN: MILLER and now: Mark-kishon: Christopher is continuing his work. After many years of dealing with the legal system, the copyrighted correct-sentence-structure language has been developed with a dictionary where one word has only one definition. And the grammar is such that the sentence is mathematically correct and can be understood in only one way. That language is now being implemented all over the world, also by the government in order to avoid the communication violation and fraudulent conveyance of language when creating contracts.

So I am now paying very close attention to every envelope and letter that has been inserted in my mailbox. And I am starting to recognize many of the tricks that senders are trying to pull off by not defining what language and dictionary they are using and by not being consistent in writing my full name exactly as it is displayed on my national ID card and address as displayed on my house number plate. As they say, the devil is in the details and I am becoming more and more aware of that. Legally if even one character is added, subtracted or changed in case, the identifier has changed and it is not the same anymore. So just by being totally exact one can very easily disqualify any writing and demand to be corrected or to additionally explain in terms of the meaning. Some deliberately use very little information in order for the reader to fill the blanks and create their own assumptions and assumption about what the writer wanted to say.

In order to be able to actually see and recognize the details and to be able to respond and not commit own mistakes, one firstly needs to take control of its own thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I have made significant progress about that with the assistance of the awesome Desteni I Process courses. I am applying these tools when and as I am facing challenges. Facing the legal system is the next step where I will see how effectively I am able to breathe, stay calm and stand my ground. All laws of man justify their existence as based on the laws of life, also described as natural law. If one is aware of that, they can easily remove all fictional threats. But in order to do this one must also be careful to treat others who are still hypnotized and existing in the world of fiction as one and equal. Meaning that others will have to slowly and in a peaceful way be educated about what is a fact and what is a fictional illusion.

Related audios that I recommend to listen:
Living in Assumptions
The World is what I say it is
Interpretation
Keeping Quiet
Peace and Quiet

Day 179: Becoming visible again

I recently watched a movie that resonated with me on a very deep level. The title of the movie was Above the shadows and was released in 2019 (spoiler alert). The main character was a girl who had two siblings and after her mother died, she slowly became invisible. Firstly for her father, sister, and brother and then also for the rest of the people in this world. After several years of living alone, she met a fighter who was able to see her. And that was the start of her process of becoming visible again. The most surprising was her final realization that it was not others who decided to ignore her. It was she who started to push people out of her life due to her own attachment to her mother and related self-definition.

I can very relate to this invisible girls since I also for most of my life felt like not fitting in and wanted to be invisible and left alone. And I equally blamed the world for not accepting me however I am with time becoming more and more aware of how my own responses to events in my life contributed to me feeling this way. What I also wonder is to what level my early childhood experiences played a role in shaping my personality. And to what extent it was I as the core being with all my existential history and experiences in my previous life that made certain decisions for which I am directly responsible for.

We also had an online chat recently with our Desteni self-support group about at what age we are to take full responsibility for our actions. Because when we are born into this world our survival is completely dependant on our parents and caretakers and slowly with each year our physical body grows, we constantly learn and become more conscious. Until we become of age (which is 18 years in Slovenia), our parents take legal responsibility for the consequences of our actions. However from that year afterward we are the ones who are full responsibility for our actions, at least legally.

However, in reality, that transition is very graduate and legal consequences are far from being the only ones when we make a decision. Yet for most of the time, we are not taught about the consequences considering all life. What parents do is basically just instilling fear into us to not engage in activities where they would be legally punished for our doings, at least until we become of age. We are usually not taught to consider all beings as equals and to take long-term outflow of our decisions into consideration. We are encouraged only to fit into the global system created by humans, to obey laws, earn money and pay taxes.

And after we become of age the influence of our parents does not immediately stop. Even if we move away, they can call us, send us letters, visit us, tell others to influence us and so on. And especially parents persist living within us for many years in the form of all the extensive programming that they inserted into us since we came to this world. For example, since my father sees me as an extension of himself, I must be careful not to do something that will result in him being ashamed of me. His criticism towards me is being manifested as self-criticism and my criticism towards others. Such ties are very strong and it takes years of consistent effort to cut them off.

Like the main character in the movie, I was also very much attached to my mother. She was the one who listened, comfort and understood me. My father was the one who managed our family business, however, when I suffered from work exhaustion he was not able to understand me and I felt like invisible to him. He did provide for me in terms of material things however emotionally he was very distant. So I started to drift away from this world by escaping into the alternate virtual realities.

It started with watching television more. The next step was discovering porn and masturbation. Then when the father purchased the Commodore 64 computer it was the games that I indulged in. When I was in middle school, I was drawn to DOS desktop computers to extend of staying in the class hours after the curriculum ended. And when I started to use Windows computer as the main production tool for pre-press and sign making, I was pulled into the world of virtual reality to the utmost extent. So much that the physical reality started to feel just like a dream. At that time things got so serious that I asked for professional psychologic help.

When I started my own business and moved to my own apartment, I was able to start putting my life back in order. Physical separation from my parents enabled me to organize my life in a more relaxed way and to focus on personal growth. Until then I felt like I was living in a box and terribly lacked social skills. I had almost no other relationship besides between me and my father. He was like a god who conditioned me that as long I will listen to him and obey his instructions, I will get whatever I desire. However, that god was not using me for the benefit of all life but mostly for his self-gratification and appraisal. So it was also not in his interest to teach me how to become independent and how to survive in the world system. All his trick that he used to get the money, he secretively kept only for himself and was careful not to share them with me. Thus I had to learn it all by myself with trial and error and from other sources.

In the movie, the main character has also made the best use of her invisibility to become a photographer who documented cheating and similar events that individuals wanted to hide. She sold those photos to a newspaper and this is how she was able to earn the money. And I also transitioned my initial creative business from graphic and web design to photography. I found myself in the position of wanting to take good photos by being at the optimum position in the key moment and not to disturb anyone. So in a way, I also desired to be invisible and for others not even to know that I took their pictures. I just wanted to observe and document the reality. However, in many cases, others did not like to be photographed for different reasons.

At that time I also did not like others to take photos or videos of me. I did not want to even consider that someone is observing me. The main reason for that is that I have been bullied in middle school and no one ever gave me any compliment about the way I look. While I lived with my parents the only thing that was important was how good I was able to impress my father with executing practical tasks and how proud I would make him when he would show the results of my work to others. My outer appearance was never important, not even how I dressed. Fashion was the last thing that I could think about and it would make no difference if I would be completely invisible.

My father also did not care if I had a girlfriend or not and I do not remember him ever encouraging me to create a family of my own. He basically wanted me just for himself and anyone that I would be in relationship with would be his competitor for my attention. So while I desired to be in a relationship at least to experience sex, seeing myself in the role of a parent with own children was something that I am having a hard time to imagine. A man is expected to take initiative, to be the main provider for the family, to be bold and to have a firm stance. However, I have been conditioned not to have an opinion of my own but to only be in a state of constant readiness and to immediately execute orders of other people as soon as I receive them.

In the past years, I have been in several relationships with girls however none of them was a good match for me. I tried to direct relationships the best way I could, however, I struggled with handling their personalities and felt to be limited and diminished by them. So far I did not make much of an effort to seek and carefully select a suitable partner for myself. I met all past girlfriends by random events and for the most part, I have just let others direct the development of the relationships. I was happy with what I got and was not very ambitious or picky. I endured all unpleasant things until they became too much and then I ended the relationship. After every breakup, I felt so disappointed that for the next 5 years I completely lost any desire to be in a relationship.

Now, at the age of 46, while being single for 6 years already, I am again asking myself if I should get into a new relationship or remain single. I am also at the turning point where I have restarted to offer my own services. This is because in the last years I have worked on projects that looked promising, were in the best interest of all life, however, money-wise they have all let me down. I feel like now is just not a good time to engage in any relationship since I want to take my business and financial issues back in order. I want to fully focus only on developing my own business and do not want any distractions. I imagine that when my income would be stable and high enough, that would give me sufficient confidence. Because as extensively described in The Soul of Money series, money is the main and most deep driving force that influences every of our subconscious decision.

And even if I manage to get my business running, I wonder if I would be able to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship with someone else. Currently, I prefer to keep my life simple and as uncomplicated as possible, also in terms of the number of physical things that I possess and maintain. I want to operate within my capacity and to keep high situational awareness so that I can also take full responsibility for my decisions. My plan is to increase the quality of my services, to deepen my professionalism and to assist others in the best way possible. This is my correctional life mission in order to break free form the self-centered personality, inherited from my father and to remediate the karmic consequences of my ancestry.

So I am committed to ground myself as much as possible and to transform all my energetic addictions, also with the assistance of awesome Desteni I Process courses. While I have so far enjoyed watching one feature film per evening on top of watching several short movies and videos the same day, I reduced this to watching only one feature film per week. I stopped again watching porn during masturbation end even not using any imagination in order to practice it only as of the physical self-expression. And I even massively reduced the frequency of masturbation to not more than once per week. The recent business decision to not offer also graphic design and photography services anymore and to focus only on counseling services will also enable me to reduce the time using the computer virtual reality even more.

And in terms of movies in general, yes it is possible to learn from the stories within the films. However many are fiction and those events never happened. In the movies everything is possible, like in the imagination of our minds that is disconnected from the laws of physical word. I learned that in high-class societies they do not mess kids with reading fairytales to them. They read stories that actually happen with people who really existed. I have had doubts that if I work as a professional counselor, I will not be able to bear listening to all the problems of the people. But then I compared how much stress and drama I experience from watching war action or horror movie and concluded that I will probably be able to handle it. So what I will be doing is just swapping the fake virtual drama with real-life drama that will also enable me to see what people in this world are actually experiencing and to develop compassion more.

Basically, I am taking more charge and directive principle in my life to free myself from any kind of energetic distractions so that I can integrate into my physical body more and to be able to communicate with others confidently. And to transform myself even more, to be a better teacher by my own example about how to live and apply the principle of oneness and equality in all areas of life. I am decided to step out of the shadow of my father and to become fully visible again to everyone and everything. To exist with the full awareness that we all are part of this life and that it is impossible to hide and run away from it. Thus best for me and for others to fully embrace this fact so that we can start living together in harmony and abundance as soon as possible.

Day 178: Nature of my comfort zone

While returning to offering my personal business services I have been facing many doubts, fears, and desires. This is why I had problems even with defining what services to offer or if I should start with a broader spectrum of services or be as focused on one as possible. And even if I should restart the services that I have not been offering in the past or do something that would more fit my personality, skill set and goals. Previously I have been offering graphic and web designs, photography, and counseling services, however, I am attracted also to professions, like a private investigator, movie director, and writer. Thus I am looking at how to get the most of my experiences while being careful not to get into a situation that is too demanding for me to handle.

Recently I had a couple of talks with my ex-flatmate where I have realized how much my family environment shaped me. And how I despite years of walking the process of personal transformation there is still a root personality character directing my life. Thus I feel like I am in a hypnotic or a dreamlike state where things that I want to achieve are out of my reach. Or like I have no capacity or tools to do what I want because there is certain kind of energies that pull me down whenever I want to reach up to the surface of the lake that I have been pushed in. I can boil down the description of my current main personality into the following points:

1. I am the oldest son that has to be an example to my younger brother and I am not allowed to make any mistakes or I will be yelled at by my short-tempered father.
   
   
2. My father will provide me with everything that I need to survive so the most important objective is to keep my father happy in order to guarantee my survival.
   
   
3. I have to organize my life in such a way that I can respond to my father as soon as possible when and as he calls me and needs me to do something.
   
   
4. My creative opinion is not important because all that counts is that my design please my father despite my collaboration with him resulting in bad designs.
   
   
5. Relationships between me and others are not important because what matters is only that I am maintaining a good relationship with my father.
   
   
6. Having my girlfriend or children is not something that my father has expressed that he would like to see so it is just fine with him if I remain single.
   
   
7. My father craves to be recognized by others and to be in the center of attention thus I must not do anything that would take full attention away from him.
   
   
8. Whenever I do my own projects I am criticized and ridiculed bor that by my father so it is best to do only what my father tells me to and nothing else.
   
   
9. Stopping working for my father and doing something else is not an option since my main purpose of existence is to serve him as long as he lives.
   

So these are my believes that drive my life, sabotage my self-expression and prevent me from doing what is best for all life. A while ago I did cut all my communications and stopped working for my father however after some time I reestablished a former relationship with him. It is hard for me to work independently because I have not been taught and encouraged to take care of myself and to establish personal and business relationships with others. While I did become a sole entrepreneur in the year 2000 and have worked on many different projects with others, it still feels for me very strange and unnatural. It is hard for me to decide what to do because I live in a fear that whatever I do I will be judged and criticized by others in the same manner that my father does. Thus my mode of living is keeping a very low profile, doing as little as possible to survive and avoid any conflict.

I did manage to break out of these limitations and I am pushing myself to become a more independent individual that is not so attached to what my father wants and thinks. Also by continuing the Structural Resonance Alignment course which is part of Desteni I Process courses, I will continue to be break free from these patterns in order to be a more supportive part of life in this world. And these are some related audios form the Eqafe website that I recommend to those who also struggle with similar issues:

Bursting Your Bubble of Comfort
Comfort Zones and Dependency
Lost Myself in Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency