Day 190: Trying to be prepared for what could happen in the future

In the last couple of days, I noticed how I have become increasingly anxious. This has been reflecting in the form of frequent heath arrhythmia and stronger tremors in the area around my heart. I had difficulties with relaxing enough to fall asleep in the evening and even though the day I occasionally had pressing episodes where my breathing became more difficult. Yesterday while I was sitting in the backyard garden and had a vegetable salat in the sun I felt like my heart was slowly giving up and I got scared about dying soon. I called a doctor on the phone and based on my answers to her questions she concluded that my heart is just fine and what I am experiencing is mind-related. Then I also borrowed a blood pressure measuring device from one of my neighbors. The results showed that my blood pressure and pulse are normal. That assisted to calm myself down pretty much, however, I realized that I need to take additional measures to protect myself from too much stress.

During the coronavirus lockdown, I took a lot of care to handle the situation in a calm and peaceful way, paying attention to not overwhelm myself. I did physical exercises in the morning, took regular 1-hour daily walks, stocked myself with food and continued to work from my home. When I noticed the anomalies in regards to my heart I concluded that daily routine was not enough to ground me sufficiently so I went for a longer and more strenuous hike. I noticed that it assisted me a lot so I repeated it a week later and I decided to do it also on each of the following weekends. Additional measures were cutting down the time spent on social media, removing myself from online dating websites and focusing on my personal needs. I restarted to use the Nirvana app that is a companion software of the Getting Things Done methodology that I discovered years ago by reading a book about it. While in the previous months I did moderate planning of my activities, I have now with that app collected and organized all the projects, tasks and reoccurring events. It now helps me to avoid procrastination and laziness and it assists me in being much more productive each day so I am now much more satisfied with myself.

The following are the related statements of self-forgiveness, realizations, and commitments that I learned to apply at the free online self-perfection course Desteni I Process Lite and I suggest you to also try it out to assist with directing yourself effectively:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the discoverer and sharer of the deepest life secrets. I realize that while digging for and forwarding shocking information made me feel good and useful to others, I lack within that to find a way to monetize it and to provide a stable source of income for my basic needs. I commit myself to when and as I look at my passions to ask myself about the core reasons for doing that and to then look at how I can turn it into a business or or doing it as a hobby while providing myself an additional source of income to at least cover all of my monthly expenses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can protect myself from all negative influences the most by researching how things in this world work which means spending a lot of time watching all the available documentaries about secret societies, financial and legal system and every interesting fact that I stumble upon. I realize that there are a lot of contradictive theories that are all very concerning and absorbing all this information has created many fears and insecurities within me. Thus I commit myself to only occasionally follow the sources of information that proved so far to be the most reliable and are in a form that takes as little time as possible from me to digest the infromation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that possession of a large quantity of information is the best way to protect myself from all the possible harm. I realize that while the expected result would have to be in me becoming more self-confident, the accumulation of information actually made my mind even more restless and every situation that I found myself in triggered a lot of thoughts about all kind of possible reasons why I am experiencing something and made me confused about how to respond to situations that I am facing in real-time. I commit myself instead of creating assumptions based on accumulated knowledge to rather ask people that I am meeting about what is their reason for doing something. And to also ask other people in the actual situations that I find myself in about what is the nature of any manifestation in my physical proximity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my stability on the information that I gathered in the past instead of realizing that any information that I possess can become outdated and that it could also be false in the first place. I commit myself to when and as I am facing a situation in my life and my mind is trying to assist me by fetching all kinds of supposedly related information that I integrated in the past or trying to associate the current event with any of my past experiences, to stop and breathe. I then rather face every single situation as something completely new and not even slightly related to anything that I know about or have experienced in the past by doing real-time research based on what I can verify by tangible evidence at this present moment.

And here are some additional suggested educational audios to listen from the Eqafe website with Every Question Answered for Everyone:

Hidden in Secrets
Secrecy
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Secret Information
Technology Brainwashing & Body Influence
Self-Image and Fear of Others
Living Fear
Mental Hoarder

Day 189: How the new Coronavirus and Covid-19 influenced me

We are in the 2nd week of the new Coronavirus shutdown in Slovenia where we are not permitted to travel outside the municipality where we live, with some exceptions. The new government directive is that we must stay at home and go out only for shopping for groceries, occasional walks and to go to work if you are the lucky employee where the business has not been shut down. Now face masks are mandatory on all closed public spaces like stores for example. Public media present the picture of the situation where the hospitals are full of COVID-19 patients while those who have actually visited the hospital say that they are almost completely empty. I have noticed how I emotionally reacted in front of some people in this situation so I am going to do a few self-corrections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when the security guard offered me to disinfect my palms in at the entrance of the store where I wanted to buy some groceries. Within that, I forgive myself for refusing to use the disinfectant with the justification that I do not know what its ingredients are and that it may actually harm me. I realize that the security guard has just been doing his job and that I could explain myself, accept or refuse his offer while remaining emotionally stable. I commit myself to when and as I visit a store and I am confronted with a new situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “What the fuck is now this? How far will the forcing of things onto me go on? How more strict will the situation become in the future?” to stop and breathe. I decide to constructively analyze the situation, stay stable, ask questions about the reasons for the change, asses possible threats and then decide about my response while considering others as equals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when the grocery shop assistant told me to use the plastic gloves to pick the fruit and then me telling her that I do not believe in what public media is telling us about the danger of viruses. I realize that she was also just doing her job, following instructions of her superiors with thought that this will bring more safety. I commit myself to when and as someone tells me to do something in regards to virus scare and my mind is producing thought like: “I am allowing no one to command me and to tell me what to do!“ to stop and breathe. I then consider also the point of view of those who are telling me things and maybe decide to obey their suggestion since things like wearing gloves can not harm me and is a very small nuisance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with the fear when noticing how people have panicked and went on a mass grocery shopping. I realize that I allowed myself to be afraid of food running out and me having to starve while the government explained that they have food reserves that are enough for several months. I commit myself to when and as I observe compulsive buying in the stores and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how people are smart and stocking themselves just to be safe so learn from them and do the same1” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider trusting the government and buying for myself only what I need for the next several days since if I would overbuy, I would contribute to the store going out of items for those who currently need them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear that the deep state members will use this fake coronavirus pandemic to enforce compulsory vaccination and that I will be chipped and become a slave where my health will also deteriorate due to vaccination and 5G network. I realize that I am creating such fear due to the projection of a negative future in my mind. I commit myself to when and as I notice the new events happening in this world and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at all the catastrophes that the deep state will certainly use for their depopulation agenda!” to stop and breathe. I then consider the possibilities of all kinds of scenarios, but pay attention to not overthink and rather remain calm and respond only to actual threats that manifest themselves in my close proximity that I am actually able to protect myself from in a practical way.

Here are some suggested related audios to listen:
The Evolution of Viruses (Part 1)
The Evolution of Viruses (Part 2)
Fighting off Viruses
The Virus and the Body
Mind + Virus Versus Body
The Evolution of the Common Cold
Flu, Fear & the Future

Day 188: A balance between the inner and outer

This is a reflection on my current experience of myself in relation to recent events in my personal life and news about global events. The biggest points are engagement in online dating, dental issues, legal threats, developing my new business services, visiting the gym, inner transformation process, Coronavirus, U.S. elections, new Slovenian government, and the global money system.

It has been about two weeks since I reengaged in an active online dating. I updated my existing profiles at some of the dating websites and created new profiles at most promising dating sites and apps. It has been a massive investment of my time and also some money to present myself in the best way possible to single women, to browse their profiles and like the ones that I found to be most compatible with me. With some that responded positively, I engaged in extensive online conversations, voice chats and in some cases even traveling and meeting them live. The process of weeding out all the fake scamming and phishing profiles has been quite frustrating and the percentage of those who actually responded was very low. In the chats with those that responded I learned many new things and had to make decisions in regards to the level of compatibility and predictions how my life in a long-term relationship with them would influence me personally and business-wise. And mostly I have been wondering about my motivation and expectations about wanting to be in a relationship in the first place or do I actually need to be in a relationship to achieve the effects that I expect from being in a relationship with someone else. For example how much would someone else contribute to me becoming more motivated in doing something and suggesting to me what to do in order to compensate my indecisiveness as a typical Libra? And to what level is dating possibly for the most part just a distraction from empowering myself on my own and becoming able to function without the need of being directed and approved by someone outside of myself?

The tooth pain and a visit to the dentist made me think about my current dental state, the future of losing even more teeth by getting older and the general role of the teeth for practical processing of the food and the social acceptance while smiling and thus displaying own teeth to others. For example, even though dating the feedback of the girls showed how much value they give to an outer presentation, including how the teeth look. And that also created concern about the relationship dynamic if the situation of my teeth would worsen a lot. Then I wondered about the national medical insurance, how our dental system works and the long waiting periods or high costs of dental appointments if deciding to pay it all by myself and the option to travel to Croatia where they have better dental equipment and much lower prices. I even considered if I could apply any of the other dental options that I heard about like stell cell implants for the extracted teeth to regrow or to initiate the process of growing the complete new set of teeth like some were able to achieve when transitioned to breatharianism. Or how the new plasma science that the Keshe Foundation has been developing has a similar potential of directly providing the necessary energy that we extract by eating food and thus we would not any longer have the need to use the teeth for food crushing and consequently they would stay in perfect condition.

Some level of anxiety that I experienced in the past couple of years was also due to legal threats and discovering how the global system of money, religion, law, and enforcement works. Like how the birth certificates are being used to create fictions, value for the banking system, a life of bondage by the assumption of consent and expanding the monarchistic dictatorship of the Roman Catholic Church all over the globe by creating wars and killing millions of people. And how each one of us has the power of claiming own life by taking similar procedure that has been almost literally exposed in the Jupiter Ascending moving and transitioning from using national languages that have been deliberately corrupted into babble into using the Correct-Sentance-Structure-Communication-Parse-Syntax-Grammar-Performance. I was glad to see that withing the current U.S. elections presidential candidate Andrew Yang talked so much about the importance of transitioning from the current system of consumerism, perpetual growth, and debt into making the quality of life as the primary objective by providing Unconditional Basic Income in form of a Freedom Dividend and finally enjoying the fruits of all kind of automation, robots and artificial intelligence that we have developed. Even the leader of the new Slovenian government has expressed plans to move in this direction and supposedly the global news obsession about the New Human Coronavirus, fake or not, could be the additional motivation or just a public distraction in order for the new global financial system to be implemented that would finally free the humanity.

With the development of computers and the internet, we are increasingly becoming connected and able to share information with anyone all over the globe in a matter of milliseconds. However, digitalization also presents the challenge of creating illusions and fake news so one needs to be very cautious about everything that is online. It is all a reflection of our own mind where we equally create parallel virtual worlds in our imagination where we hide and pretend and think that our actions there has no consequence. That can be addictive and if we apply the same principle also in this physical world that we all share, the result is the destruction of our life sources that has become more and more evident. Since what we can see out there is merely a reflection of what is within us, it is best for all to walk the path towards manifesting a Virus Free Mind. So while we can all satisfy our curiosity about what is going on in this world it is best to stay balanced and spend at least equal time walking the process of self-reflection, self-awareness, self-forgiveness, and self-commitments with the support of online courses like the completely free DIP Lite course with experienced live buddies. And while we can not change the basic structure of our physical body and all of its characteristics that we inherited, we still can improve it by selecting a diet that would best support our physical body and exercising in order to stay fit the best way possible. Thus I also have improved my eating habits and increased the frequency and visiting the gym in order to make the best of all the potentials that I have within all the limitations that are beyond my power of conscious influence.

The field in my life that needs more movement has remained my business activities. It is interesting how I become excited about something like becoming a Certified Life Coach and imagining how offering such services would best fit my lifestyle and would support others the most and they observed how things are not moving as fast as I hoped to. There is a question of how actually I am influencing this world by my current activities and if there are actually positive consequences that I am not even aware of. Like is it more effective to be politically active out there, is talking and assisting others face to face personally or in group formation more important, should I blog and vlog more, especially in the English language, or is my inner process of transforming my own mind patterns the most important since it resonates on a subtle level and creates a ripple effect on all levels of existence? Well so far I am moving slowly but steadily in all those areas and I just wish that it will create a synergetic accumulative effect that would result in a better world for all as soon as possible. I definitely feel resistances in the form of physical tiredness and it is not easy to identify what portion of it is simply muscle tiredness from lifting weights at the gym, how much of it is the mental tiredness due to absorbing and processing an incredible amount of information on a daily basis, to what extend my awareness is just becoming more integrated with my physical body that is under influence of planetary gravitational force, how much the two teeth with root canals in my mouth contribute to the feeling of lack of energy, does the electromagnetic fields from all the cell towers, wifi networks, and other possible influences play I significant role in how I currently feel, and what am I able to do to feel more light, energized and productive. Anyway, I simply do my best in every single moment and make sure that I remain emotionally stable as much as possible within the realization that we are all in this together, that we are all one and that if I keep such awareness, I will be just fine no matter what happens.

Suggested related supportive educational audios:
Balance
Creating Balance in Change
The Balance in Support
The Good Times & the Bad
In Balance with your Body
Creating Balance while Changing Yourself
The Trinity of Dependence, Independence and Interdependence
Over Disciplined and Overindulging
Me Time and We Time
When You Change & When You Don't
Split into Two Worlds
Insecurity-Confidence Polarity
My Intelligence is my Only Friend
Mind-Made Choices

Day 187: Self-forgiveness on dating

These are my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement as part of the process of self-perfection that I learned by walking the Desteni I Process courses in regard to my previous two blog posts about my experiences with dating again after several years of basically being single.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on dating to the level of me having almost no time to develop my business plans. I realize that I have used dating as a form of distraction in order not having to face all the necessary tasks that I need to do in order to make my new life coaching business moving. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You can postpone your business plans for now since your income is sufficient to get you through the next month!“ to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on my business first and develop a stable source of income and spend only my free time on dating activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being able to apply my gathered knowledge and experiences in regards to self-perfections the best only if I engage in a  relationship with a woman. I realize that the only thing that I need to face my mind and release all the limiting patterns is myself and my self-honesty. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “It is more effective to walk the process of self-perfection when you are in a life relationship since the other person can assist you with a reflection of your mind patterns!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on walking my process alone and only if I by any chance find a proper partner do I then establish an agreement with her to reflect and support each other as an additional form of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in a relationship with a woman who already has young children in order to express myself as a father and to apply my gathered knowledge about how children are best to be raised. I realize that there are also other options for me to be of service to society and that raising children is a path with quite limited reach and one of many options to influence humanity in a positive way. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Due to your current age it would be more suitable for you to pick a separated or widowed woman with young kids and assist her with raising her children!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather research all the options like creating online webinars or courses where I can have even greater impact on society and also earn money with it.

Related supportive Eqafe audios:
I Fear Missing out
Avoidance: Face Yourself
High Expectations for my Child's Future
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
Stay at Home Mom
What do You Want for Your Child?
The Product of a Sheltered Life

Day 186: The role of beauty in online dating

I wrote in my previous post about a woman that I started to date online and after I met her in person I decided that we would not be a great match. After that, I continued with online dating and connected with a quite unusual profile. I usually do not send messages to profiles where I suspect that photos are fake and I completely ignore profiles without even one photo. When I stumbled upon this profile, it had a photo of a smiling girl with long blond hair however it was in a very low resolution which already made me suspicious. I later made a reverse online search of the profile photo and it returned two results, one connected to a profile of some kind of adult service industry so I concluded that it is probably fake. The profile name was similar to one of Hollywood movies which were in a way quite creative. And she described herself with words in her profile as a very attractive beautiful woman that definitely has no problem getting someone for sex however she wants to find a romantic man that would be a good friend for her with the potential of becoming a long-term partner.

That description definitely made sense to me since I have also researched the point about the existence of physical attraction and beauty in the past and produced a vlog in the Slovenian language. So equally to how some have problems with feeling unattractive and struggling to connect with others, some have the opposite challenge due to just the shape of their physical body experiencing too much of attention from others. And I know that it is very common that such women get hit intensely by men who then show to be very jealous and possessive towards them which creates a lot of conflict and pain in a relationship. However, I have never been jealous in regards to my girlfriends and have imagined how I would actually be a good partner for very attractive women since I would treat them as equals, as who they are as a being, seeing them beyond the mask from flesh and bones. Actually, I had experience with some girl that fit this description quite good, we were partners at Kriya Tantra class for two years, we tried to become also life partners but proved that she was extremely emotionally reactive so we parted.

So I was very pleasantly surprised that this blond woman wrote back to me at the dating website and said that based on my profile it seems that I am the only normal man there. We started to communicate firstly via the chat function at the dating website and then soon transitioned to texting via the Viber app. Also there she had a different picture of a woman with blond hair but with a completely blurred face and a profile name of some animal species. She herself even suggested that I am definitely wondering why she has her face blurred and why she is hiding her actual looks however that was in fact not very important for me at that time. For the first couple of days during the week, she was quite busy with work and had not a lot of time to communicate with me. However, during the weekend, she spent time relaxing at her mountain cottage and we exchanged a lot of information.

It looked very promising at the beginning and I was surprised about her ability her wide perspective about the global events and deep understanding of life. I discovered that not many people with good looks develop into intellectuals since their physical attraction is what they mostly use to get what they want in their lives. Thus I enjoyed very much communicating with this blond woman and sharing a lot of supportive information and resources that I stumble upon since I am walking on the path of self-perfection. She said that her father is very into spirituality, aliens, the afterlife and global politics so it made sense that she is also quite open about it. After I asked her if she also has a Facebook profile she said yes, however, that it is also a fake one and used only to check other profiles there.

Eventually, she expressed her thoughts about also started to communicate via the phone or possibly even meeting face to face. However she immediately also said that she fears that after I hear or see her that could change our relationship. Days went by and we still just continued with texting. Soon she again became busy with work and explained how she frequently has to relax by going to a spa or to have a retreat in the mountains. She never expands what she actually does for her business however she did say she is freelancing and managing some business projects that require her to also travel abroad often. That she lived in the USA for some time but then decided to return back to Slovenia. Here she has her own apartment but uses it also as a retreat and never invites any man to spend the night there with her.

Then another woman also contacted me via the dating website and she had some photos which pointed out that she has more courage about showing her face and body. We also started to text firstly there, transitioned to Messanger soon and then we already had our very long voice conversation. I wanted to be open about that and informed the blond girl that I have started to communicate with another girl. Because of my purpose with dating actually is finding a life partner and I am not interested in just chatting for hours and hours with someone who wants to be anonymous. So I asked the blond girl if what she thinks about also ourselves having a phone conversation or meeting live. Surprisingly she soon after that responded that she wants to end communicating with me since I hurt her feelings a day before by suggesting her to see if possibly she has OCD since she also explained how she is disinfecting objects that she uses on a regular basis in order to kill all the bacteria.

That was quite surprising for me since I imagined that based on her level of awareness she would by now know that each of us is responsible for our emotional reactions and accusing others to be the cause of how we feel in the act of projection and self-dishonesty. I wrote her back with my perspective on the situation however the message at this moment still shows as being unread and it seems like she blocked me on Viber. I can just guess what actually influenced her to stop communicating with me. I see that it could be a point of jealousy due to the start of talking to a new girl, her own fears of exposing herself to others, her work-related stress, and she also mentioned how she is looking for a more influential and powerful man and I currently really do not fit that description. I think she was not fit for my desired form of a relationship where partners treat each other as equals and wanted someone different.

Additional related supportive educational audios:
Escaping from the Harshness of Reality into the Beauty of Nature
You are Gorgeous
Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover
War of Women
Appearances Aren't Everything
Warped Self Image
Appearances
The Consciousness of the Peacock

Day 185: Visiting native part of my country

Several days ago I visited part of our Slovenia country where I lived before for many years and where most of my closest relatives live. I am not sure how many years ago I was there last time but I guess it must be around 10 years. My brother lives there with his wife and two daughters that have recently completed primary education and my father lives there with my stepmother. I have not communicated with my brother and his family due to resentment from his side and his character of constantly hurrying and presenting himself as not having enough time. I did meet my father several times when he came to my current town for his work purposes and we are in touch several times per month via Skype when he wants me to do some graphic design, pre-press and photo/video editing for him. I have been wondering when and for what reason to visit that part of the country again, do I actually have any homesickness at all or am I simply able to make myself feel at home wherever I currently live.

A couple of weeks ago I started to engage in online dating again. In that process, I also connected with a 41 years old girl who has a 10 years old son. I liked the picture of her face and her description except for the fact that she was a smoker. We started to have a text chat via Facebook, then a couple of long phone calls, a Skype video call and we connected very well. She is in the process of divorcing her controlling and abusive husband and wanted to move to her own apartment that she wants to buy. She wants to move out of her current apartment, owned by her husband and to buy her own apartment. However, she wants to stay in the same area so that her son can continue visiting the same primary school. She even asked me if I want to have my own children since her desire was to in the next year or two to experience having another child. I definitely imagined myself being a father and how I would move back to my native area of the country. So we set a date when I was to visit her.

I called my father a day before the planned visit if he knows where I can spend two nights in his areas since I will be visiting a girl that works for full days and she is off every second day so that we can be together for two whole days before I return back home. I was surprised to hear from him that she is just back from the hospital where he spent 3 days in a come. I wondered why no one from my relatives calls me and informed me about that. However, my father said that it is just fine if I can spend the nights on the couch at his basement workshop. That was just fine with me and I was looking forward to meeting him and my stepmother after a very long time. I called the girl that I was dating that I will be arriving the next day however I will be firstly checking my father due to his medical emergency.

It was a Sunday morning at 5:30 a.m. when I woke up and start preparing myself for departure at 1.5 hours later. I already prepared most of the things that I expected to need in the next 3 days however I managed to actually depart only at 7:30 a.m. due to the decision to pack some more things. It was very foggy weather and it took me about 2 hours with my car to arrive at the destination. I was firstly greeted by my stepmother and then I went to spoke to my father who was still very weak and rested in his bed. I find out that he was not actually in a complete come during his stay at the hospital but just very sick so he slept most of the time. He and my stepmother got ill at the same time however she got well quite fast while his condiction became worse. So much that he collapses on the floor when he wanted to return from the bathroom and she called my brother who then called a doctor and he then ordered an ambulance. There was even a danger of my father dying if he would not be assisted in a timely manner.

After a lunch that my stepmother prepared it was time to meet with my date. She gave me the address of where to pick her up. When I met her face looked much more exhausting than I expected and her handshake was very week. She just received a period and complained about the headache. Despite this, we decided to go for a walk around the Bled lake that takes about 2 hours to complete. She started to explain the problems in the relationship with his husband and how she got addicted to smoking and pain-killers, how her eyesight deteriorated, how she has a problem with her stomach and minor problems with her lungs. She has been looking for a place to move for over 6 months with no success and she also wants to change jobs since her current boss is also very abusive. During the walk around the lake, we also had a drink at a restaurant in the middle and had a byte at a pizzeria when we completed the full circle.

Considering that she is not even divorced completely and her emotional state I suggested her to first take care of her affairs, to move to her own apartment, find a better job and to improve her emotional end physical health. I did not consider appropriate to continue dating her since also due to distance this would represent too much stress for myself. And my current situation is also such that I am developing my new business services and have to invest a lot of my time and energy in that. So I took her back to her place with my car and we decided to only be friends for now. After I arrived at my father's place I also send her a link to free online DIP Lite course so that she can assist supporting herself with the help of experienced live buddies. And I decided to not wait for one day and to meet her for another day when she will be off work since the connection was not like I wished for.

The next day I had breakfast with my stepmother. After that, I went to visit my father's colleague that he wanted to meet him since he supposedly needed my photography and graphic design services. I already called him the day before to schedule the hour of my arrival. When I got there he took me through all of his woodwork workshops and then he showed me his extensive collection of antiques since he is in a final stage to open a private museum. We then went to his kitchen and had a very long talk. He showed me the photos that he took of his collection and what for of a folded pamphlet would he like. However, it turned out that he actually did not need my services and he already talked to a nearby printer to finalize the pamphlet for him. My father also made some models of what was his suggestion for the pamphlet however he did it in his usual intrusive and his colleague did not like that at all.

After that, I also visited my brother despite the suggestion of my father to leave him alone since he is very busy with his work and is in conflict with his neighbor. When I arrived at his workshop I gave him a call and asked him if now is the appropriate time for me to meet him. He opened the door and we had a chat while he was still doing some work on his computer and digital printing machines. Very soon he started to express his resentment for me moving out of the house without consulting him about that and how he felt left behind. And then how he resented me for telling his wife that I have doubts two of them being compatible. I also shared my perspective about that which was very different from how he experience past events. During the conversation with him, I found it very odd that my body has been shivering and I was not able to stop it despite my conscious effort to have a relaxed and equal talk with my brother as equals. After about an hour of talking, he said that he must take his younger daughter to a nearby city and buy something at a mall and that he will call me when we return for us to continue the conversations.

So I went to my father's place to pack my things. He asked me if his young co-worker that purchased a Bled Castle Mediaeval Printshop from him can go with me since he has to fetch his repaired van from a mechanic near the city where I live. I agreed and was looking forward to exchanging recent experiences with him during the trip. Then my brother called me and I went back to his place to continue the chat. He expressed concerns about what my desires would be in regards to inheritance in case if our father dies and that he is interested in keeping our father's apartment for his older daughter. And it was also not clear what will happen with or father's home museum of print and paper. However, we did not have the time to come to any agreement about that since it was already time for me to depart.

During the trip back to my current home area that took two hours I had a long conversation with my father's young co-worker. What I found out was that he had no interest in taking over my father's museum and that he might only be interested to buy the handmade paper production tools from him. What he suggested was to keep the museum as it is so that groups of people can come to see it and that my father already proved that there is no interest from any individual or organization to relocate it to a more proper place. And we also talked about our private lives during the drive in the dark and foggy weather. After I have dropped him at his mechanic, we had a one-hour talk with the mechanic and his wife since they were good friends of my father and I visited them for the first time. Finally, I continued the trip to my home an hour before midnight.

What I concluded is that my brother has established his business well in these past years and he does not need to worry about the orders and negotiate the prices anymore. His daughters are becoming independent and he is looking at how to invest his profits and available time so that closest family members will have most of the future interests met. So I plan to continue the conversation with him and then see what kind of agreement we will able to establish for ourselves.

Related suggested Eqafe education audios:
Emotional Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
A Martyr for my Brother
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
When Your Old Life Holds You Back
Despite My Best Intentions

Day 184: Body pain, sex and relationships

Several days after I wrote my last blog post where I actually decided to remain single and not ger involved in dating, I started to doubt if that is actually the best decision for me. I wondered if being single is something that is for me supportive or is a result of staying in my comfort zone and protecting my limitations. I have been asking myself is it a desire for sex something natural to myself and something that I want and need to express in order to stay healthy or is only a pre-programmed system that is just distracting me. I listened again to all of the supportive audios that I listed at the end of my previous blog post titled To Have Children, Or Not that explained that desire to have children is a program on a physical DNA level as the survival mechanism of the human body. And that it is driving us towards having children as soon as possible in order to continue its existence. Based on that I have started to wonder if I should take this desire of my physical body into consideration and become a father and what would it take from me to manifest this. I imagined myself in a position where my life it this body would come to an and end if I would have any regrets if I decided not to have any children.

For several days that followed, I have lived with a decision that remaining single is something that I am just comfortable with. I simply enjoyed the peace and freedom of having the whole apartment just for myself and feeling relief after my conflictual female flatmate moved out a couple of months ago. However, I wondered why there is a slight inflammatory pain persisting in my right scrotum. That pain strongly activated for the first time after my ex-flatmate became very nasty towards me. And I was not yet able to define clearly what that pain represents. I perceived it as an expression of the sadness of my physical body for being rejected by females and thus not being able to reproduce. Or better to say the expression off frustration due to the mind-consciousness system of my ex-flatmate to prevent her to enjoy the physical intimacy with my physical body without any fear and projection of blame. Consequently, I expected that after she moves out the pain of my scrotum would dissipate as there would be no more female in my proximity that would trigger such response. Since the pain did not disappear completely I wondered if my that is actually my body telling me that it craves sex and that if I continue to ignore that warning, it might develop into cancer or a tumor.

So the fear of negative health consequences and the possibility of regret that I wasted my life potential of having my own children resulted in a feeling of sadness and loneliness that I wanted to resolve. That lead me to a decision to reengage in dating. I started to think about what kind of partner do I want, how would I find the best mate to have children with and what ways of searching should I apply. I refreshed my previous online dating profile, browsed the Facebook profiles and also started to observe the females at the shopping malls and other outside areas. What I noticed that I found very little females that attracted me visually and that fit my preferences. I observed myself how by looking at the face of a person I am able to identify their expression, personality, and character. So I was seeking a very female with very specific traits since I do not want to be with someone who is using their emotions or looks to manipulate me and compromise myself in any way. I was open only to a mature, responsible and self-realized individual that would consider me as an equal and would want a mutually supportive relationship.

I found that the girls that I found the most attractive were already in a relationship or had kids with previous relationships. And by attractive I do not mean by general beauty standards of society since I prefer natural-looking girls with short nails, without makeup and wearing flat shoes. I wondered how much time shall I invest in dating and what compromises shall I allow because I doubt that I would be able to find just THE one that would be perfect in all perspectives. For example, Filipino girls are known to be sincere, drama-free and caring however they are also much shorter, however, they pretty much expect the man to be the main provider. And there is also the question of mixing the races, cultures and having to learn a new language. Nevertheless, by browsing thousands of online profiles and liking many dozens of those that I found to be perspective, only one girl replied so far. I am not sure how many hours should I additionally invest in online dating and how long shall I wait with hopes that those that I liked will respond. There have also been a lot of other girls who liked my profile however none of them has been something that fits my basic criteria.

An additional concern is that I am currently developing my new business services and dating took a lot of time and attention away from it. So I have been wondering if focusing on dating is possibly not just something that I am distracting myself in order to postpone having to face all that is necessary for my business to start creating a sufficient income for myself. My justification was that I am not very determined about what I actually want to do to provide for my needs. I can see myself just comfortable with a girl who has their own business and I would support her at that. This is why I also wrote a letter 3 days ago to a girl that I know from before and has a company that publishes books for personal development and I am awaiting her response. Basically, I would prefer if some girl would pick me based on my character and skills and incorporate me in her life in such a way that I would be living a drama-free life and have my basic needs met. Yet such a scenario is very rare since it is a custom for the men to pick girls and provide for them and not the way around.

Now the main reason why I actually decided to write this blog post is that I am having a pain in the most lower back region that emerged around the time when I re-engaged in dating and has been persisting ever since. From the Desteni article and related Eqafe audios, I learned that the lower back pain is a resonant consequence of giving away personal power. Already just after I read the article and listened to the audios, I felt significant relief in my lower back. And they assisted me while writing this blog post to narrow the array of possible causes for such pain. I am now going to write also additional self-forgiveness and corrective statements to release the underlying mind patterns with even greater effect:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by the pain in my scrotum my body is telling me that it needs sexual intercourse with a woman or even to reproduce itself by making any female body pregnant. I realize that I actually did not do sufficient research to identify the true cause for the pain which I assume is rather connected to my response based on the recent experience with my ex-flatmate. I commit myself to when and as I experience any pain to slow down, take time, do the necessary research and ask others for their perspective in order to remove the actual cause of the pain. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my human physical body can not stay healthy if it does not have regular sexual intercourse with a female. I realize that sexual intercourse is actually only necessary for the purpose of conceiving a child and that urge for sex without actually wanting a child originates from the sex system that the mind-consciousness system uses to rejuvenate itself by extraction of the physical body energy during the act of sex. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have not had sex in so much time so you urgently need to find yourself a sex partner in order to stay healthy!” to stop, breathe and look at what are all the contributory factors that triggered a sexual urge in myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting my life by not having children and that as a man I am a loser for not spreading my genes wide. I realize that having children is optional and that some life paths result in having children and some not for a multitude of reasons. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at your younger brother that has produced two daughters and you will be a loser if you do not have any children of your own”! to stop and breathe. I then rather look at my tendency to compare myself and compete with my brother and other men and realize that my life can be equally valuable as of those who have children of their own because we all express in different ways and all decisions have a reason. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not interesting enough for other women since almost none of them contacted me via the social networks and online dating websites where I have had a profile for many years. I realize that I actually have had not a very strong desire to be in a relationship and that many female friends reported to me how they are swamped with the messages of men thus rarely do they even think of messaging men based on their own initiative. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Since almost no women messaged you about dating in the last years you are not attractive enough so there is no point in continuing of online dating activities” to stop and breathe. I then rather define more clearly what I want in a potential relationship and become more proactive in dating since success in all sorts of cases in the result of focus, persistence, and repetition.

Additional suggested related support audios to listen:
Overwhelmed with Sexual Fantasies
Relationship Fantasies
Fear of Commitment
Sexual Attraction
Sexual Desires
Natural Sexual Expression
Suppressed Sexual Fantasies
Sex and Relationships in Existence
My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind