I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use forgetfulness as convenient excuse to abdicate my responsibility for what I have done in the past and to claim innocence for everything that I am not able to remember. I realise that I am fully responsible for every thought, emotions, word and deed that originated from myself and that if I have forgot about them in the later stage, I am still responsible for the consequences that have manifested based on my involvement in past events. Thus I commit myself to look into myself where all memories of my past are stored and to take back my power of creation to fully embrace all dimensions of the past events where I have played my role as co-creator.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the events in my past only through eyes of self-interest where I have believed that no matter what I do, no one has right to harm me in any way, especially my parents. I realise that I have also harmed others, especially my brother however I have abdicated responsibility for my action by claiming that I have just been playing and that any my action during the play should not be taken seriously and I should not be hold accountable for the results of the play. I commit myself to look at the memories of my actions during play time and take full responsibility for every single of my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tease my brother and seek his attention and to in a similar way also seek attention from my parents in order to experience positive feelings of being accepted. I realise that I have acted from a point of self-interest where I have just wanted to have fun while completely disregarding other individuals around me and their personal interest. I commit myself to when and as I have desire to entertain myself and have fun, not to jump carelessly on other but to also see and understand their current state of the mind, their willingness to play and to interact with them in such a way that they do not feel unpleasant or even feel pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to understand that my father had used force and pain to discipline me only in occasions where I did not want to listen to his preceding verbal warnings where I had the opportunity to stop myself, however I did not. I realise that my father decided to physically hurt me only when he exhausted all other ways of trying to communicate with me in a nice and pleasant way. I commit myself to always respond to first attempt of someone trying to communicate with me and to also understand their point of view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my father as violent tyrant that has without any reason decided to inflict pain on me instead of realising that he has purely responded to me behaving as careless individual where I have created damage and pain for my brother and my parents. I commit myself to fully understand and accept my father and his responses while playing a role of my parent since he has done all in his power to be the best father for me and my brother, considering all the limitations that he also accepted and allowed during his childhood and later years. I am thus greatly thankful to my father for all the care that he expressed by being more that good provider for our whole family.
13 November 2016
Day 138: Home remedy for cold feet
This is the first blog post related to my initial post titled The cause for cold legs. Contrary to popular home remedies for cold feet where one can assist oneself temporarily with some physical intervention, I will be talking here about psychological causes and permanent solution for cold feet that everyone can effectively apply also at home. Because it has been indicated that cold feet is usually the physically manifested consequence of events from the past when one has separated itself from self. For detailed context please read my previous blog post since here I will be focusing on the next step which is analysis and deconstruction of the first event in my past that I feel is related to the condition of me having cold feet and legs for over a decade. And the the first event that I can remember in relation to self-judgement is being physically punished by my parents in early years of my childhood.
In the initial years of my life I have been living with my parents and my younger bother in a two storey apartment building with four apartments. I have shared one medium sized room with my brother and he has was sleeping on the upper deck of our bunk bed. I do not remember much about what my brother and I were doing in the first 10 years of my life, but I do very much remember a specific punishment that my father applied when I have obviously done something wrong. The punishment was to kneel for quite a long period of time in our doorway after my father would layer some rice on the floor in order for the pain on my knee to be much grater that pressing just agains a flat ground. I would have to keep my body straight up and my hands on the back. I would stay in such position crying until my mother would be able to convince my father that I have suffered enough.
What is strange is that I do not remember details of any event that lead to consequence of me being punished in such way. I however do remember my parents telling me about two occasions where I did significant damage to the apartment. One was due to throwing some heavy objects at my brother that resulted in shattered window glass while we were chasing each other around the flat. And one was by me flooding the bathroom in order to create a sea like environment to play with my brother. However I think I was punished by kneeing for much lesser offences like doing something to my brother where he would then tell on to our father and he then decided to discipline me in described way. The bottom line is that I have been outraged at my father using such cruel punishment. And he also used to spank me very hard with his belt in other occasions. I had thoughts like: “Parents should never hurt their children!” and “How come that my father is not able to find any other way od raising me that using brute force?”. Thus I developed a resentment and anger towards my father and started to feeling sorry for myself, creating a self-victimisation character for myself and thus separating me from myself.
However any of such emotional reactions is a representations of abdicating self-responsibility for playing own part in the timeline of events. And not remembering what I have done and what I could done different in order for the consequences to be different is a convenient excuse for me not wanting to take full self-responsibility for my own life. Because every moment that we participate in becomes part of ourselves and creates a memory that we are able to access if we only decide to. This does not mean that we must now instantly recall every single moment from the start of our existence to current moment, however it is important that we make sure to remember with what kind of thoughts, emotions, words and physical actions we have participated in the most traumatic past event for which we solely blame something or someone out of ourself while claiming absolute innocence of self. Thus I will now take back my self-responsibility and pick parts of myself that I have separated myself from by analysing my past memories connected to being painfully punished by my father. I will be applying tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrections as taught in the excellent free online course DIP Lite that I recommend also to everyone else: