Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.