Day 168: Transforming my masturbation patterns

It has been around 5 years since the breakup with my last girlfriend. Similar to my first relationship, the last one also laster around 3 years. In both relationships, the sex was great and I would not mind being again in a committed sexual relationship. However, due to my upbringing, my life priorities were elsewhere and being in a relationship and creating my family was far from my main life objective. I am functioning as a pretty independent person and have learned to satisfy my sexual needs by applying masturbation. It is in many ways more practical and safe than engaging in sex with another person. Initially, I have been masturbating only by using touch, then I have been doing it by listening to certain songs, porn magazines and eventually I also started to watch pornographic movies. I learned that using porn can create certain addictions and I have been careful not to become addicted. However recently I have been observing myself and noticed some indications that addiction could be developing so I am going to within this blog post look deeper into this matter.

Regarding masturbation, many people are ashamed of it, do not like to talk about it and some have even accepted a belief system that defines it as something bad. One of my friends told me how the nursery where her parents were leaving her when she was a preschool child has been run by the Christian nuns. They forced children to sleep in a position where their hands had to be on top of the blanket in order to prevent touching any dirty part of the body. And she hated this experience a lot. Defining part of your body as dirty is definitely a point of separation that can develop even into sexual obsessions, fears, constrictions or fetishes in adult years. Sexuality is something natural and despite the addictive quality of sexual orgasmic energy, it can be managed responsibly and practiced in moderation. Such has also been my intent and I so far always applied a directive principle in my sexual practices in order not to harm myself or others.

The same way goes with using pornographic materials. Especially porn videos and now the virtual and augmented reality of the porn industry is something that is used on a daily basis by most of the people of both sexes. The danger here is that many people who masturbate by watching porn can develop an obsession where they can no longer control themselves and thus start to rape others. Also by watching porn users often escalate their preference into more and more violent and exotic sexual scenes. In regard to that, I am satisfied with the fact that my porn preferences remain all these years the same and that I enjoy mostly the scenes where a man and a girl engage in normal sex and where the girl is enjoying herself. I have also satisfied myself only by watching short free porn clips and I never desired to watch long porn movies where I would have to pay some kind of subscription in order to access it. It also assisted me that several years ago I have been for two years taking Kriya Tantra classes where we learned how to direct sexual energy.

All these years I have been careful about being able to achieve orgasm regardless of masturbating using porn or without it. And I especially have paid attention to climax without using any kind of imagination. There are different opinions about the level of consent when masturbating while watching porn movies. And there are different opinions about whether something that you do in the imagination of your mind is an actual act or not since it does not influence physical reality directly and immediately. However, I have learned to understand that also what one does in their secret minds it an act after all and it creates certain kind of consequences. It is clear that if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone in the flesh it is considered rape and punishable by law. Imagining to have sex with someone in your mind without their consent can then also be interpreted as a form of rape. Because the individual that you had sex within your mind did not give you consent for that action despite you imagining that they have willingly fucked you. This is also why I avoid masturbating while imagining that I am having sex with someone that I know in real life.

At porn, the existence of consent is a bit more tricky to define. Because porn stars mostly are aware that people who watch pornographic movies will use them to masturbate while imagining that they are one of the actors in the porn movie. Plus porn performers are also being financially compensated for their work. This is why also I have been occasionally masturbating while watching the porn clips. What is specific about me is that I am a visual guy who professionally worked in graphic design, professional photography and video production for many years. I like watching movies in general and thus porn movies for me were just another kind of visual art that I allow myself to enjoy occasionally. However, I am aware that similar to any other industry, also in the porn industry, there is a lot of abuse. I learned how millions of children are being kidnapped every single year and many are forced into sex slavery. However, it is not only the porn industry that is responsible for all the sexual abuse since even in homes and churches there is a lot of rape. Not only that, there are large cults and pedophile rings who even eat bodies of the babies.

The biggest problem with the porn and imagination is that creates separation and reduces the awareness that all actions in this physical reality have consequences. When you are while watching porn pretending that you are the person in the movie or if you are in your imagination pretending to have sex with someone in such cases there is no direct and immediate notable consequence. In your own mind, everyone is their own god and able to do all kind of things without percieved outflow of events in the physical. So there is a danger that after frequent execution of an act in your mind you might start thinking that there will also be no consequences if you execute the same act in the real world. Such thought can obsess and possess you and drive you into forceful and harmful acts like rape in the context of sexuality. One also starts to lose the ability to distinguish between the picture and the actual physical object. Such danger basically exists when using any kind of simulation from digital screens to computers or even photos and paintings. Many are no longer able to separate actual reality and picture representation of reality. This is actually the reason for all kind of abuse in this world where we can no longer relate to others and thus do not treat them as equals.

Now after I have been observing myself how I sexually respond to the proximity of young females I noticed that responses have not been as I would want them to be. What became noticeable was more immediate and frequent arousal and sexual thoughts about young females. This could be a consequence of me using porn to masturbate more frequently in the recent times than before. My flatmate that used to be around more in the past has been for most of the days out of the apartment for even several weeks in the row. Meeting and chatting with her on a daily basis and even hugging occasionally has been a presence of female energy that has been very beneficial for me in the past. However now I hardly ever see or talk to her and even short chats with her have become much more distant since she is being in a very different mindset than in the past. It has been 5 years since I had a regular sexual partner and after that, I only had sexual intercourse once with another female. I don't know about others but I am not inclined to one-night stands. Never have I went out to clubs with the intent of a hookup and to get laid. My parents did not allow me to be out late at night while I was a minor and after that, I was so consumed with working in our family business that I practically did not have the time or will to visit bars. Also, I do not want to hook up with a girl that drinks or smokes so it is more practical for me to connect with them at dating websites where I can filter out girls that have unacceptable habits.

At the current age of 45 I am thinking about should I even search for a new life partner and create a family of my own or would it fit me best to remain single. I am enjoying a drama-free life so very much that I hardly can imagine how it would look like to be in a relationship again. I am constantly doing something like learning, researching, transforming and sharing self and developing projects. My current goal is to create an educational organization that will offer support to teachers, parents, and children in a wide way. So despite currently not actively looking for a life partner, I plan to sooner or later be surrounded with many co-workers and children of different ages. So the short-term goal is to now firstly develop the organization, provide the funds, and then only will also my personal financial situation be more appropriate to engage in a new life partnership. What is important for me is to be satisfied with who I am, to take good care of my physical body and my property, expand myself, and develop projects that have the power to make the situation on this world better for as many living beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate while watching porn and imagining that I am having sex with the girl in the video. I realize that whenever I engage in masturbation while using porn for faster and easier climax, I condition myself more and more and deepen dependency of experiencing orgasm to watching porn. This can eventually develop in my inability to masturbate and climax without watching porn which is definitely an addiction that I do not want to have. Thus I commit myself to when and as I desire to masturbate and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just turn on the porn for additional enjoyment of pleasuring also your eyes since it has been produced with full consent and financial compensation for all the actors exactly for such kind of entertainment.” to stop an breath. I then rather challenge myself to watch porn by paying attention that nothing inside me moves and thus strengthen the ability to distinguish what is real as the physical and what is a picture-representation. Or I engage in masturbation without observing any sexual product or using imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is not real and whatever I do in my imagination has no consequence. I realize that while there is no direct and immediate consequence outflow of actions in human minds, they are actions after all and they did influence me in terms of easier and quicker experience of orgasm and ejaculation which is a tangible physical consequence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I feel the urge to release my sexual energy and my mind produces thoughts like: “You are free to use imagination as the tool to achieve orgasm much more effectively since it is totally safe to use it and has no negative consequences on you or others.” to stop and breathe. I then within the awareness of the actual consequence of using imagination engage in only pure physical sexual intercourse with myself or other people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret involvement of actors in the porn movies like they have given me full consent to masturbate and imagine that I am the guy in the movie who is fucking them or even making them pregnant. I realize that while usually, porn actors have given consent for their sex acts to be recorded for public screenings and they have been financially compensated, the porn out there could violate their agreement. I learned that most porn actors are being paid very little, some have been forced to act in one way or another and a lot of pornographic videos on the web is being pirated thus the actors have not been compensated fairly for their work. And despite the existence of some awareness that people will watch their porn movies during masturbation and that some porn stars are even flattered by that, most actors did not give direct consent to in the imagination engage in sexual intercourse with them. Besides that, they probably would not be happy with any viewer to execute their imagination in the real world and have sex with them without their direct and specific consent. Thus I commit myself to when and as I would like a sexual experience and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just watch some porn end imagine how you are the one who is fucking the brains out of that beautiful teen since she has given you full consent to do that.” to stop and breathe. I then avoid using any kind of imagination regardless of using porn or not and engage in sexual intercourse only with people who gave me specific consent for that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive as that masturbation is something that I can engage in at any time and as frequently as I desire to since it is something natural and will not negatively influence my relationships with others. I realize that while masturbation is something completely normal it does result in an energetic experience which has addictive qualities like all energies in general. I admit that I have been using masturbation lately much more often due to feeling bored and wanted to distract my mind and entertain myself. The fact is that overusing any kind of distraction in form of positive energetic experience as an escape from heavy negative energetic feeling is compromising. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am low and my mind is producing thought like: “Just lift yourself up by immediately engaging in pleasures of masturbation.” to stop and breathe. I then rather rest or take a break in form of physical exercise or walking. And in case of there is something deep that is bothering me to use speaking and writing to discover and remediate the root cause of it. But of course, I also allow myself to masturbate or have sex with someone from time to time in form of my pure physical expression without using any kind of imagination.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and the following previous blog posts of mine that are related to porn:

Day 43: Masturbation research (13 May 2013)
Day 108: Relationship addiction (16 August 2013)
Day 110: Overcoming addiction to sex energy (24 August 2014)

And I invite you to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to videos and audios that are relevant to this blog post:

The Effect of Porn on New Relationships (Video - Part 1)
Facing the Fear of Porn Addiction (Video - Part 2)
Addiction Energy & Memories (Audio - Reptilians)
Addiction and Change (Audio - Quantum Mind)
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series (31 audios)
Relationship Success Support Series (126 audios)
What is Sex Series (37 audios)

Day 167: Researching my feeling of deep sadness

Recently I have been listening to some support audio and watched a video of a certain social event that triggered a feeling of deep sadness within me. The audio has been talking about how someone that I know could actually be desiring the ability to experience laughter and the video also showed people that I have known very good and were engaged in happy gathering while playing an instrument and singing together. I also wanted to attend that event that took place far away, however, I was not able to due to my current financial situation. And the audio that was talking about my friend could also be talking about me since I obviously have a similar issue. I have been writing about such feeling of sadness in my blog before however, I think that I have to face it by going even deeper into it.

Firstly I want to explain that I am the oldest of two sons and usually if you are the first born child, parents expect from you to be a responsible role model for your younger siblings. I was no exemption and especially my father wanted to be proud of me so he pushed me to develop my abilities in order to brag towards others how great his elder son is. I wrote in previous blogs about how I got burned out while working in his family business and that is why I moved out of his house and started my own business. However, I did not consider the pressure that I felt to be very extensive and that I thought that I would be able to deal with it very easily. Now I see that I might have been suppressed much stronger than I believed before and that this is something that I do not want to admit to myself. Because as a male I have also been raised up not to express my emotions especially not sadness and never to cry.

Generally, I defined the situation in our family as high above average meaning that I had a roof over my head, enough food, both parents worked and earned enough, I do not remember being abused very much so I definitely had it much better than many who suffer great scarcity and pain in this world. However what I did not pay much attention to is the subtle emotional abuse that I obviously endured during my upbringing. I later found out that my father had a hard experience since his father died while he was just a small kid and then he started living with his stepsister and his stepfather who was a butcher. My father did not talk about his childhood experiences much and he has always been hiding any kind of pain, including any kind of physical body discomfort. I guess he decided to live a life of a martyr by ignoring any pain of his own and assisting others to live better. 

In terms of experiencing happiness and laughter, I do not remember him expressing his positive emotions much and what I found very odd is that he did not like to be even hugged by others, including by myself. I saw him cry only once and that was when we had a conversation at a family dinner where I expressed my feelings of being suppressed and then he burst out with tears about how he felt that he was more than a good provider for me and my brother. That was actually the first event that made me understand that he is also suffering a lot and that he is not having is as easy as he has been portraying himself towards others. I remember only two occasions where he was being nasty towards me. The first was when I did something wrong and he made me kneel on grains of rice for quite a long time. And I remember him making fun of me once which was related to me growing pubic hair or something related to that.

Oddly I have no much remembrance about how I experienced myself in early childhood and how was my relationship towards my brother. I know that he was able to express himself emotionally to a much greater extent that I was. Actually, he developed the polar opposite personality of being extremely extroverted, making fun of things and forcing others to laugh by making jokes and pushing their buttons in all sorts of ways. I did not like his behavior since in case of serious conversations he always quickly fled away and did not want to equally take responsibility. His philosophy was basically that every problem can be solved by making others laugh. Thus I have started to connect being happy and laughing with a diversion tactic and wanting to be irresponsible. Consequently I also hardly ever laughed since I wanted to be a responsible oldest son which was my personal survival tactic and also a form of me manipulating other to get what I want.

I do not remember any member of our family playing any instrument or singing any song. Although I did hear a testimony of my mother how in her childhood she started to learn to play the violin and then her mother forced her to play any time someone came for a visit. This is the reason why she then started to hate playing the violin or any other instrument. And possibly this is also the reason why my brother and I were also never encouraged to play any instrument. I remembered my mother telling me the story about how I was in a choir in the 1st or 2nd grade of primary school and how after we started to sing I soon broke into tears and was crying so intensely like never before. I am still wondering why was that and I suspect that my father envied and thus bullied me any time I wanted to express myself via singing. Consequently, due to all such suppressions, I did not practice to memorize any lyrics nor jokes.

The way how I was raised up made me uncomfortable in some social situations. For example in the last years of primary school. Someone had an idea to during a class break organize a quick performance when each classmate would step on top of the desk before the blackboard and sing one song. When it was my turn I told everyone that I do not know any lyric by heart and no one believed that such a case can exist. They pushed me to step on the desk and believed that eventually, I will remember some song. However, even after standing there for quite some time I was not able to and felt embarrassed in front of the class. Similarly, I feel very uncomfortable if I was invited to an event where someone would play guitar for example and others would sing popular songs since it was expected that everyone knows their lyrics by heart.

Around the age of 25 when I started to live in my own apartment, I decided to take a guitar class. Most of the music schools only accepted children however I managed to find a school for adults where they taught dancing and how to play guitar. I practiced at home how to play some popular songs using chords and how to sing along. Then I also played once when one of my young female neighbors had a birthday, however, some of the guys there made fun of me and I did not feel very happy about that. Eventually, I stopped playing guitar. One of the reasons was not feeling comfortable physically since besides already sitting for many hours working with computers playing guitar meant additional time where I was forced to sit. Also pressing the strings was painful for my fingers, they left a nasty metal smell and taste on my fingers and made the skin on top of my fingers to thicken.

A much nicer experience, however, was when I joined Hare Krishna movement years ago when we played simple instruments and repeatedly sung mostly only a simple mantra that was easy to learn. But there were other things that bothered me there so I left that group after a couple of years. In recent years I pushed myself to visit some music concerts. It is great to see how many people from the audience sing along and have fun. However, I am also critical about repeating lyrics since I believe that by repetition of statements within the lyrics of the song one is programming and conditioning itself. And I definitely do not want to join singing out loud lyrics that I find limiting and creating a feeling of self-pity or similar to that. I also do not like to visit live music events since people there usually drink or even smoke and thrash and spill the drinks on the floor.

I think that expressing yourself with making music and singing is great when certain conditions are met. In some cultures dancing and singing is practiced in a sacred form where it is mostly performed in small groups without any audience as a way of spiritual or religious practice. They perform with the intent to express gratitude towards the creator and do not care for the appraisal of the audience. Music can also share deep messages and change society. I was happy to see that also in our Desteni group where we transform mind patterns with writing like what I am currently doing some are also creating supportive music. Like the Robot Virgin, Anna and Viktor, Viktor Persson and MFM Radio for example. And I have also been thinking about writing and creating some music with deep messages however there are other things that attract me more at this moment. There are many options in this life, however, each one has a limited amount of time and every one of us must decide about priorities and what they want to focus to until further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others do not like how I play or sing just because of who I am as a being and want to suppress me because they are evil. I realize that my parents did not support my singing and playing because of their own history of not developing or being allowed much to develop musical skills. And in the case of my mother, she obviously projected her own frustration and wanted to protect me from the same experience of having been forced to perform in front of others without my will. Thus I commit myself when and as I play or sing and my parents make an unflattering comment about my performance and my mind produces thoughts like: “They are pure evil and I hate them for that!” to stop and breathe. Within the realization that what others say is more a reflection of who they are and not about me I then continue to play with the intent of my self-expression and my own personal enjoyment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in case of someone is being critical towards my musical performance to blame it all on them. I realize that when I have been playing guitar at the birthday party of my neighbor I have not been very skilled and I wanted to impress others in order to be prised and to feel good. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am invited to a gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Take your instrument and perform some songs in order to show others how good you are!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider the nature of the event, the appropriability of me playing there, the level of my current musical skill and my starting point. I ask the organizers of the event if they would like me to perform and explain the level of my skill to them. In case if they allow me to perform, I then play with the starting point of self-expression and allow any constructive criticism and understand also the nature of any criticism that is a result of projected envy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness when and as I am being in a group where people are playing instruments and singing. I realize that such feelings are a form of self-manipulation where I want to blame others for my past experiences by acting out the personality of a victim. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am in a musical gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Your musical expression has been suppressed in the past and it is my right to be sad about that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the understanding that my experience of suppression has been a projected experience of my parents, I decided to break this pattern of abuse and manipulation and become an example of how I want to be treated by treating musical performers with respect and by expressing my full support for their performance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when and as someone pushes me to play an instrument or sing a song and I fail to perform like they hoped I would. I realize that other people have different family and educational backgrounds where some may consider the ability to play at least one instrument and to sing at least a couple of songs something normal. Some of them may not be able to comprehend that there are also people in this world that can play no instruments and do not know even one musical lyric by heart. However, this is their problem and lesson to understand and accept that life shaped a lot of people in this world that can perform very differently than themselves. Thus I commit myself to when and as someone expects me to play an instrument or to sing some song and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself for not having developed even basic musical skills!” to stop and breathe. I then within emotional stability simply explain to others that producing music is not something that I have been developing much and that best for them is to fully and completely accept this fact.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to audios that are relevant to this blog post:

Sadness: Understanding Sadness

Sadness: When Relationships End

Sadness: Seeing the Gift

Sadness: Sounding Self Forgiveness

Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Sadness & Loss

Why Do I Feel Left Out?