Day 167: Researching my feeling of deep sadness

Recently I have been listening to some support audio and watched a video of a certain social event that triggered a feeling of deep sadness within me. The audio has been talking about how someone that I know could actually be desiring the ability to experience laughter and the video also showed people that I have known very good and were engaged in happy gathering while playing an instrument and singing together. I also wanted to attend that event that took place far away, however, I was not able to due to my current financial situation. And the audio that was talking about my friend could also be talking about me since I obviously have a similar issue. I have been writing about such feeling of sadness in my blog before however, I think that I have to face it by going even deeper into it.

Firstly I want to explain that I am the oldest of two sons and usually if you are the first born child, parents expect from you to be a responsible role model for your younger siblings. I was no exemption and especially my father wanted to be proud of me so he pushed me to develop my abilities in order to brag towards others how great his elder son is. I wrote in previous blogs about how I got burned out while working in his family business and that is why I moved out of his house and started my own business. However, I did not consider the pressure that I felt to be very extensive and that I thought that I would be able to deal with it very easily. Now I see that I might have been suppressed much stronger than I believed before and that this is something that I do not want to admit to myself. Because as a male I have also been raised up not to express my emotions especially not sadness and never to cry.

Generally, I defined the situation in our family as high above average meaning that I had a roof over my head, enough food, both parents worked and earned enough, I do not remember being abused very much so I definitely had it much better than many who suffer great scarcity and pain in this world. However what I did not pay much attention to is the subtle emotional abuse that I obviously endured during my upbringing. I later found out that my father had a hard experience since his father died while he was just a small kid and then he started living with his stepsister and his stepfather who was a butcher. My father did not talk about his childhood experiences much and he has always been hiding any kind of pain, including any kind of physical body discomfort. I guess he decided to live a life of a martyr by ignoring any pain of his own and assisting others to live better. 

In terms of experiencing happiness and laughter, I do not remember him expressing his positive emotions much and what I found very odd is that he did not like to be even hugged by others, including by myself. I saw him cry only once and that was when we had a conversation at a family dinner where I expressed my feelings of being suppressed and then he burst out with tears about how he felt that he was more than a good provider for me and my brother. That was actually the first event that made me understand that he is also suffering a lot and that he is not having is as easy as he has been portraying himself towards others. I remember only two occasions where he was being nasty towards me. The first was when I did something wrong and he made me kneel on grains of rice for quite a long time. And I remember him making fun of me once which was related to me growing pubic hair or something related to that.

Oddly I have no much remembrance about how I experienced myself in early childhood and how was my relationship towards my brother. I know that he was able to express himself emotionally to a much greater extent that I was. Actually, he developed the polar opposite personality of being extremely extroverted, making fun of things and forcing others to laugh by making jokes and pushing their buttons in all sorts of ways. I did not like his behavior since in case of serious conversations he always quickly fled away and did not want to equally take responsibility. His philosophy was basically that every problem can be solved by making others laugh. Thus I have started to connect being happy and laughing with a diversion tactic and wanting to be irresponsible. Consequently I also hardly ever laughed since I wanted to be a responsible oldest son which was my personal survival tactic and also a form of me manipulating other to get what I want.

I do not remember any member of our family playing any instrument or singing any song. Although I did hear a testimony of my mother how in her childhood she started to learn to play the violin and then her mother forced her to play any time someone came for a visit. This is the reason why she then started to hate playing the violin or any other instrument. And possibly this is also the reason why my brother and I were also never encouraged to play any instrument. I remembered my mother telling me the story about how I was in a choir in the 1st or 2nd grade of primary school and how after we started to sing I soon broke into tears and was crying so intensely like never before. I am still wondering why was that and I suspect that my father envied and thus bullied me any time I wanted to express myself via singing. Consequently, due to all such suppressions, I did not practice to memorize any lyrics nor jokes.

The way how I was raised up made me uncomfortable in some social situations. For example in the last years of primary school. Someone had an idea to during a class break organize a quick performance when each classmate would step on top of the desk before the blackboard and sing one song. When it was my turn I told everyone that I do not know any lyric by heart and no one believed that such a case can exist. They pushed me to step on the desk and believed that eventually, I will remember some song. However, even after standing there for quite some time I was not able to and felt embarrassed in front of the class. Similarly, I feel very uncomfortable if I was invited to an event where someone would play guitar for example and others would sing popular songs since it was expected that everyone knows their lyrics by heart.

Around the age of 25 when I started to live in my own apartment, I decided to take a guitar class. Most of the music schools only accepted children however I managed to find a school for adults where they taught dancing and how to play guitar. I practiced at home how to play some popular songs using chords and how to sing along. Then I also played once when one of my young female neighbors had a birthday, however, some of the guys there made fun of me and I did not feel very happy about that. Eventually, I stopped playing guitar. One of the reasons was not feeling comfortable physically since besides already sitting for many hours working with computers playing guitar meant additional time where I was forced to sit. Also pressing the strings was painful for my fingers, they left a nasty metal smell and taste on my fingers and made the skin on top of my fingers to thicken.

A much nicer experience, however, was when I joined Hare Krishna movement years ago when we played simple instruments and repeatedly sung mostly only a simple mantra that was easy to learn. But there were other things that bothered me there so I left that group after a couple of years. In recent years I pushed myself to visit some music concerts. It is great to see how many people from the audience sing along and have fun. However, I am also critical about repeating lyrics since I believe that by repetition of statements within the lyrics of the song one is programming and conditioning itself. And I definitely do not want to join singing out loud lyrics that I find limiting and creating a feeling of self-pity or similar to that. I also do not like to visit live music events since people there usually drink or even smoke and thrash and spill the drinks on the floor.

I think that expressing yourself with making music and singing is great when certain conditions are met. In some cultures dancing and singing is practiced in a sacred form where it is mostly performed in small groups without any audience as a way of spiritual or religious practice. They perform with the intent to express gratitude towards the creator and do not care for the appraisal of the audience. Music can also share deep messages and change society. I was happy to see that also in our Desteni group where we transform mind patterns with writing like what I am currently doing some are also creating supportive music. Like the Robot Virgin, Anna and Viktor, Viktor Persson and MFM Radio for example. And I have also been thinking about writing and creating some music with deep messages however there are other things that attract me more at this moment. There are many options in this life, however, each one has a limited amount of time and every one of us must decide about priorities and what they want to focus to until further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others do not like how I play or sing just because of who I am as a being and want to suppress me because they are evil. I realize that my parents did not support my singing and playing because of their own history of not developing or being allowed much to develop musical skills. And in the case of my mother, she obviously projected her own frustration and wanted to protect me from the same experience of having been forced to perform in front of others without my will. Thus I commit myself when and as I play or sing and my parents make an unflattering comment about my performance and my mind produces thoughts like: “They are pure evil and I hate them for that!” to stop and breathe. Within the realization that what others say is more a reflection of who they are and not about me I then continue to play with the intent of my self-expression and my own personal enjoyment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in case of someone is being critical towards my musical performance to blame it all on them. I realize that when I have been playing guitar at the birthday party of my neighbor I have not been very skilled and I wanted to impress others in order to be prised and to feel good. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am invited to a gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Take your instrument and perform some songs in order to show others how good you are!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider the nature of the event, the appropriability of me playing there, the level of my current musical skill and my starting point. I ask the organizers of the event if they would like me to perform and explain the level of my skill to them. In case if they allow me to perform, I then play with the starting point of self-expression and allow any constructive criticism and understand also the nature of any criticism that is a result of projected envy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness when and as I am being in a group where people are playing instruments and singing. I realize that such feelings are a form of self-manipulation where I want to blame others for my past experiences by acting out the personality of a victim. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am in a musical gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Your musical expression has been suppressed in the past and it is my right to be sad about that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the understanding that my experience of suppression has been a projected experience of my parents, I decided to break this pattern of abuse and manipulation and become an example of how I want to be treated by treating musical performers with respect and by expressing my full support for their performance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when and as someone pushes me to play an instrument or sing a song and I fail to perform like they hoped I would. I realize that other people have different family and educational backgrounds where some may consider the ability to play at least one instrument and to sing at least a couple of songs something normal. Some of them may not be able to comprehend that there are also people in this world that can play no instruments and do not know even one musical lyric by heart. However, this is their problem and lesson to understand and accept that life shaped a lot of people in this world that can perform very differently than themselves. Thus I commit myself to when and as someone expects me to play an instrument or to sing some song and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself for not having developed even basic musical skills!” to stop and breathe. I then within emotional stability simply explain to others that producing music is not something that I have been developing much and that best for them is to fully and completely accept this fact.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to audios that are relevant to this blog post:

Sadness: Understanding Sadness

Sadness: When Relationships End

Sadness: Seeing the Gift

Sadness: Sounding Self Forgiveness

Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Sadness & Loss

Why Do I Feel Left Out?

Day 166: Developing own vs joining other projects

Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend since I noticed that he was now in the top management position of an organization that I have been following or several years now. I wanted to make a friendly connection and offer my assistance and useful information for their project however communication did not flow as nice as I imagined. After several emails, things became increasingly emotional, then they calmed down and I started to realize that I did not approach the communication from such point of equality as I perceived myself to do. I then talked to my neighbors about that and took general responsibility for my involvement, however, I still felt that I need to go more in-depth using writing in order to take back full responsibility for my actions and non-actions in regards to that matter.

So recently I have checked the website of an organization with a project that has a lot of similarities to the project that I am currently developing. I remember wanting to connect with that organization several years ago when I have been distributing a product which could be very useful to integrate into their workflow and would result in great benefits for their clients and economy. At that time it was some other person that I communicated to and was the founder of their organization. My first approach attempt was via phone but they said that they were busy with preparation for some deadline. I am not sure if I attempted to contact them after they reached the deadline, however, I do have notes of visiting them two years later when they exhibited their project. I spoke personally to the founder and have sent them an email the next day, however, to this day I did not receive any reply. After that, I moved to another city, worked on other kinds of projects and did not follow them for the last 3 years.

Now, when I visited their website again, I have been impressed by how far they have developed their project and what especially caught my attention was that my old friend was part of their management. We both have been peers at an education program where we learned many personal and business management skills. I started to contemplate if I should rather join them and assist in developing their project than developing my own from the scratch. I checked the description of their project in detail and noticed some facts that are not aligned with what I stand for. When I sent the first email to my old friend it was supposed to be short and neutral however I see that it already included comparison and some criticism. So instead of actually checking how my old friend has been these years and inviting him to a personal meeting, I already had reservation about that.

When I read his reply I reacted to his suggestion that if I wanted to join I would have to go through a specific training and that they include approaches beyond what is described on their website. So he too had his reservations due to their previous experiences. He was willing to meet with me but only until a specific date since after that he plans to be away for some time. I realize that I reacted with envy to their current expansion, his absence and their systematic approach that required an investment of my time and money. My next email reply thus reflected my emotions since I included additional criticism and extended information where I wanted to express my doubts about joining them. Then he directly expressed his feelings of resistance to my writing and exposed how I am actually not walking the talk. I continued the correspondence by admitting my biases and eventually exposing some of the past experiences that taught me to be careful about joining other projects.

One of the factors that made me create resistance was also an observation that nor the organization founder nor my old friend were active on Facebook. A year ago I invited the founder to participate in the international online conference and contribute to their perspective about the enhancement of human society, however, I received no reply. Not only that, my old friend even responded that he does not have a Facebook profile since he rather spends his active and free time in other ways. I basically was not able to find any information about him online. That was a very unflattering fact since for me the online presence is something very useful for networking and building trust. From my perspective, anyone who wants to be a leader and create an organization that is to be an example for generations to come can not afford to hold any negative relationship towards informational technology. I am using social media in a very productive way and find it useful especially for international collaboration where personal meetings are not possible due to vast distances.

So there were many things inside me that directed me unconsciously during the conversation with my old friend and I have not been completely clear and honest about that with myself. Actually, after noticing the success of their projects they started to represent a big temptation for me since I wanted to create almost exactly what they have been building. However, I joined many projects in the past several years where I resonated strongly with their mission and vision and they all left me down. This lead me at the beginning of this year to my commitment that I will under no circumstances ever again join any project that is managed by others and that I will be focusing only on developing my own projects where I will be fully in charge. Thus when I started to communicate with my old friend it was very unpleasant to realize that I have been contemplating about breaking my commitment to my own current project. Basically, I just wanted to give my old friend the opportunity to convince me into joining them while I gave him all the reasons why I do not want to join them.

Realistically the way I wanted to create my organization and the realizations that I want to implement is far beyond what is able to manifest by me joining other organizations. I have made many attempts to do that but it always failed. I wanted to work as support staff with others because I have not yet developed sufficient leadership skills to manage big teams. So I concluded that it would be a more productive investment of my time if I join other teams and create synergy. However, I have decided now to develop myself as a leader despite moving slower than other leaders. Because previously my starting point was to produce a certain visible positive effect in society during my lifetime. However, after realizing that the necessary change will take many generations I am now rather building strong foundations where others will be able to build on even after I will be long gone. No matter how long it will take, I plan to build it right in order to stand the test of time and create the best long-term effect for all living beings in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whoever is not on Facebook cannot be trusted. I realize that many people are not on Facebook for many reasons. Some are not aware of complete Facebook functionality and usability and treat it just as optional entertainment. Old generations are uncomfortable to use it since they find computers and all online related technology overwhelming. Many business leaders are not on Facebook since they are focused on using LinkedIn or other means of electronic communications. And there are also some who want to hide from their past, from public eyes, or have fears that they will be monitored and abused by secret government services. Thus when and as I stumble upon someone who is not on Facebook and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not collaborate with that person since they can not be trusted!” I stop such thought by breathing and rather ask them directly what is their specific reason for not being there. And then to communicate with them via the media that they are most comfortable using. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a resentment towards people that do not respond to my messages in a reasonable time. I realize that all people are not so good organized like me and have not such good computer equipment and fast access to the internet like I currently have. Reasons for others not responding quickly are also sickness, accidents, missed messages, too many messages, spam filters, business in private and professional life and many more. So when and as several days after I have sent the message my mind is producing thought like: “They have not replied in time thus it is best not to collaborate with them since they are not reliable!” I commit myself to stop and breathe. I then rather take into account any possible scenario, resend the message and try to contact them via other means in order to find out what was the specific reason for them not answering promptly the first time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who will not be able to develop sufficient leadership skills in this life in order to properly direct a big organization. And thus that I should rather join other organizations and work in middle management or something more aligned with my current skills and capacity. I realize that my point is not just about placing myself in some organization in order to be somehow useful for society but much more. Considering the advancement in my process of self-realization, I can not accept anymore to work for an organization that is not considering the principles of full personal responsibility for all existence and equality of all living beings. Thus I commit myself to when and as I contemplate where to work and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Life is short and considering your age and your skills, best to get a job in some established company!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, look beyond my lifespan and create an organization that will fully embrace the described principles, no matter how long it will take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start communicating with others without firsty making sure that I have faced all energetic movements that I have in relation to the individual that I plan to communicate with. I realize that thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have toward an individual will sooner or later reflect in a conflictual relationship if I do not face them beforehand. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am about to communicate with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just go ahead with communication since you are clear enough and if they react to your words it will be solely their own responsibility!” to stop and breathe. I then rather face the unresolved mind points that I have towards the individual and start communication only where I have cleared them completely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with the people that I have not been in communication with for many years based on my memories about them from when I last spoke to them. I realize that people constantly change and that even after several months let alone years, they can change significantly. Thus I commit myself to when and as I reconnect with someone that I have not seen for a long time and my mind is telling me something like: “Just talk to them like you used to talk last time you saw them!” to stop and breathe. Then I rather ask them what they experienced since we last talked and how that influenced their life, or even better to invite them to a personal meeting where an exchange of past experiences and alignment with who they are now would be even more effective. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Leadership and Equality from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.