Day 178: Nature of my comfort zone

While returning to offering my personal business services I have been facing many doubts, fears, and desires. This is why I had problems even with defining what services to offer or if I should start with a broader spectrum of services or be as focused on one as possible. And even if I should restart the services that I have not been offering in the past or do something that would more fit my personality, skill set and goals. Previously I have been offering graphic and web designs, photography, and counseling services, however, I am attracted also to professions, like a private investigator, movie director, and writer. Thus I am looking at how to get the most of my experiences while being careful not to get into a situation that is too demanding for me to handle.

Recently I had a couple of talks with my ex-flatmate where I have realized how much my family environment shaped me. And how I despite years of walking the process of personal transformation there is still a root personality character directing my life. Thus I feel like I am in a hypnotic or a dreamlike state where things that I want to achieve are out of my reach. Or like I have no capacity or tools to do what I want because there is certain kind of energies that pull me down whenever I want to reach up to the surface of the lake that I have been pushed in. I can boil down the description of my current main personality into the following points:

1. I am the oldest son that has to be an example to my younger brother and I am not allowed to make any mistakes or I will be yelled at by my short-tempered father.
   
   
2. My father will provide me with everything that I need to survive so the most important objective is to keep my father happy in order to guarantee my survival.
   
   
3. I have to organize my life in such a way that I can respond to my father as soon as possible when and as he calls me and needs me to do something.
   
   
4. My creative opinion is not important because all that counts is that my design please my father despite my collaboration with him resulting in bad designs.
   
   
5. Relationships between me and others are not important because what matters is only that I am maintaining a good relationship with my father.
   
   
6. Having my girlfriend or children is not something that my father has expressed that he would like to see so it is just fine with him if I remain single.
   
   
7. My father craves to be recognized by others and to be in the center of attention thus I must not do anything that would take full attention away from him.
   
   
8. Whenever I do my own projects I am criticized and ridiculed bor that by my father so it is best to do only what my father tells me to and nothing else.
   
   
9. Stopping working for my father and doing something else is not an option since my main purpose of existence is to serve him as long as he lives.
   

So these are my believes that drive my life, sabotage my self-expression and prevent me from doing what is best for all life. A while ago I did cut all my communications and stopped working for my father however after some time I reestablished a former relationship with him. It is hard for me to work independently because I have not been taught and encouraged to take care of myself and to establish personal and business relationships with others. While I did become a sole entrepreneur in the year 2000 and have worked on many different projects with others, it still feels for me very strange and unnatural. It is hard for me to decide what to do because I live in a fear that whatever I do I will be judged and criticized by others in the same manner that my father does. Thus my mode of living is keeping a very low profile, doing as little as possible to survive and avoid any conflict.

I did manage to break out of these limitations and I am pushing myself to become a more independent individual that is not so attached to what my father wants and thinks. Also by continuing the Structural Resonance Alignment course which is part of Desteni I Process courses, I will continue to be break free from these patterns in order to be a more supportive part of life in this world. And these are some related audios form the Eqafe website that I recommend to those who also struggle with similar issues:

Bursting Your Bubble of Comfort
Comfort Zones and Dependency
Lost Myself in Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency

Day 177: Optimizing my apartment for business

After my flatmate has moved out two weeks ago, I started to prepare her room for my photo & design studio. It took one week for me and the landlord just to work on the repainting of the room. Then I had to decide what to do with all of the furniture that has been completely moved from the room to the back yard before the painting. It took me several days before I decided about the final placement of the closets and tables. What I knew was that I need to move the big office desk with computer and printers from my current bedroom to the new studio. However, all the rest of the furniture that has so far been in my bedroom and in the bedroom of my ex-flatmate I could place it in any of the rooms. I experimented a lot with many different compositions and moved some pieces of furniture from one to another room even three times. That was mentally and especially physically exhausting since I did most of the movements by myself and some closets were very heavy.

The final placement was such that two closets from my bedroom were moved to the studio and three of those that were in the toom of my ex-roommate were placed into my bedroom. It all looked fine however when I went to sleep, I experienced such a disturbing smell from the newly placed closets that I could not sleep. So I moved two of the closets out of the room and the smell became bearable again. The next day I was focused to remove for the smell so I spent a lot of time searching online for the solutions. I prepared the shopping list and went to the shopping mall where I purchased the necessary products for the smell removal. Then I prepared a mixture of hot water, alcoholic vinegar, baking soda, and a Lavander essential oil. With that liquid, I wiped all the sides and insides of the problematic closets. And that was also quite a physically exhausting task. I left the closets to dry overnight and the next day I placed them in their final position.

The odor removal procedure has been effective and I was able to sleep in my bedroom just fine after that. I planned to in the same way process also several other closets with minor odor however I have become so physically tired that I decided to wait for a couple of days. Yesterday I also went shopping at the hardware store to buy some accessories to enhance my living experience even more. I purchased adhesive textile to stick it on the bottom of the closet so that I can slide it easier and with less possibility of scratching the floor, new handles for one of the closets that broke off, and a mesh for the windows to prevent insects from entering my apartment, and some other accessories that I need for my photo studio. So today I plan to continue with the cleaning of the closets, sticking textile pads, replacing handles and mounting of the mesh.

In the last days, I have been also thinking about how to make the room with a kitchen more appropriate as the reception room. Initially, I considered the presence of the kitchen not appropriate at all so I wanted to remove it from the view of my visitors. I went to a curtains shop and asked how much would it cost and how long would it take to make a curtain that would span from the floor up to the ceiling and cover all of my kitchens. After I found out the price and that it would take at least 3 weeks to deliver it decided that this is not something that I am going to invest into at the moment. And after I got some friends invited to look at my new studio they said that having a kitchen in the reception room is even an advantage since it makes it more homely. So I decided to leave it to be visible and will just clean it and replace the objects on the shelves so that they will be more harmonious and pleasant to the eye.

One of bigger undertakings was also a detailed cleaning and flipping of the refrigerator. The insides were very dirty, with stains of food and the walls of the freezer were encased in ice. So the first step was to remove all the food from it. And I asked my neighbor if can store the frozen food in her freezer for a while. After all the ice melted down, I removed the water and all the small movable parts from within the refrigerator. I followed with the washing of all the interior and exterior and vacuuming of the appliance at the back. Next, I placed the fridge on the floor, turned it upside down and moved the hinges and handles from one side to another. That made the opening of the doors on the fridge much more convenient for me considering its position in the kitchen. And finally, I placed it back to its place, mounted back all the cleaned shelves, turned it on and filled it with the food again.

The landlord also replaced the kitchen faucet with a new one because it leaked water slowly for many months. So far I have been tolerating this malfunction and had a piece of cloth wrapped around it so that the water did not spread around and was redirected into the sink. However, that was not a permanent solution and I am glad that the landlord finally considered my complaint and done something about it. The problem with water is also on the wall before the bathroom. The moist is somehow entering the wall and making the plaster to fall off and this has been the problem for years. The landlord also tried to replaster the wall a week ago however the top layer started to peel off already the next day. He was frustrated with the situation and said that he will fix it someday later. I guess he will have to completely replace the shower ceramic tiles which will cost him a lot.

Besides all these big tasks there are also smaller ones that I plan to do. Some of the clothes from one closet became a bit smelly due to mold and I need to was them. Then there are a lot of items in the closets that I do not need them anymore. Some are part of my wardrobe and some are office and business items that became obsolete in time and due to recent change of my business path. All the physical and mental effort contributed to by lower back pain to being increased. So I have to be careful not to overwhelm myself too much and to take enough rest. And also to plan the task so that I can execute them in small enough steps. Luckily I had some sales in a recent period that suffices for all my increased monthly expenses so I am quite satisfied with my current movement. In the following days, I plan to make my apartment more fluent and then I will only seriously start with the advertising of my new business services.

Some attention will need also the files on my computer. Usually, after I finish a design or photography project, I delete the obsolete files, rename and code them and move them in the client designated folder. I also file any related paper documents and other client-related items. Thus I make sure that my desk, my computer workspace, and my email inbox are always clean. However several weeks ago I stopped with this practice and the clutter began to accumulate, mostly in terms of my computer files. I now have thousands of files, especially photos, to review, process and store them. It will take me a lot of time and butt pain to fix this but it has to be done. I work best if I can fully focus on my new projects when I am completely done with my previous ones. So I will slow down and take it to step by step, regardless of how much time it will take.

Here are some supportive audios that assisted me a lot in regards to this blog post:
Lower Back Pain
Can't This Go Any Faster
Internal & External Process
Space, Environment, Routine, & Self Definition
Moving Your Staff and Your Business Forward