Day 179: Becoming visible again

I recently watched a movie that resonated with me on a very deep level. The title of the movie was Above the shadows and was released in 2019 (spoiler alert). The main character was a girl who had two siblings and after her mother died, she slowly became invisible. Firstly for her father, sister, and brother and then also for the rest of the people in this world. After several years of living alone, she met a fighter who was able to see her. And that was the start of her process of becoming visible again. The most surprising was her final realization that it was not others who decided to ignore her. It was she who started to push people out of her life due to her own attachment to her mother and related self-definition.

I can very relate to this invisible girls since I also for most of my life felt like not fitting in and wanted to be invisible and left alone. And I equally blamed the world for not accepting me however I am with time becoming more and more aware of how my own responses to events in my life contributed to me feeling this way. What I also wonder is to what level my early childhood experiences played a role in shaping my personality. And to what extent it was I as the core being with all my existential history and experiences in my previous life that made certain decisions for which I am directly responsible for.

We also had an online chat recently with our Desteni self-support group about at what age we are to take full responsibility for our actions. Because when we are born into this world our survival is completely dependant on our parents and caretakers and slowly with each year our physical body grows, we constantly learn and become more conscious. Until we become of age (which is 18 years in Slovenia), our parents take legal responsibility for the consequences of our actions. However from that year afterward we are the ones who are full responsibility for our actions, at least legally.

However, in reality, that transition is very graduate and legal consequences are far from being the only ones when we make a decision. Yet for most of the time, we are not taught about the consequences considering all life. What parents do is basically just instilling fear into us to not engage in activities where they would be legally punished for our doings, at least until we become of age. We are usually not taught to consider all beings as equals and to take long-term outflow of our decisions into consideration. We are encouraged only to fit into the global system created by humans, to obey laws, earn money and pay taxes.

And after we become of age the influence of our parents does not immediately stop. Even if we move away, they can call us, send us letters, visit us, tell others to influence us and so on. And especially parents persist living within us for many years in the form of all the extensive programming that they inserted into us since we came to this world. For example, since my father sees me as an extension of himself, I must be careful not to do something that will result in him being ashamed of me. His criticism towards me is being manifested as self-criticism and my criticism towards others. Such ties are very strong and it takes years of consistent effort to cut them off.

Like the main character in the movie, I was also very much attached to my mother. She was the one who listened, comfort and understood me. My father was the one who managed our family business, however, when I suffered from work exhaustion he was not able to understand me and I felt like invisible to him. He did provide for me in terms of material things however emotionally he was very distant. So I started to drift away from this world by escaping into the alternate virtual realities.

It started with watching television more. The next step was discovering porn and masturbation. Then when the father purchased the Commodore 64 computer it was the games that I indulged in. When I was in middle school, I was drawn to DOS desktop computers to extend of staying in the class hours after the curriculum ended. And when I started to use Windows computer as the main production tool for pre-press and sign making, I was pulled into the world of virtual reality to the utmost extent. So much that the physical reality started to feel just like a dream. At that time things got so serious that I asked for professional psychologic help.

When I started my own business and moved to my own apartment, I was able to start putting my life back in order. Physical separation from my parents enabled me to organize my life in a more relaxed way and to focus on personal growth. Until then I felt like I was living in a box and terribly lacked social skills. I had almost no other relationship besides between me and my father. He was like a god who conditioned me that as long I will listen to him and obey his instructions, I will get whatever I desire. However, that god was not using me for the benefit of all life but mostly for his self-gratification and appraisal. So it was also not in his interest to teach me how to become independent and how to survive in the world system. All his trick that he used to get the money, he secretively kept only for himself and was careful not to share them with me. Thus I had to learn it all by myself with trial and error and from other sources.

In the movie, the main character has also made the best use of her invisibility to become a photographer who documented cheating and similar events that individuals wanted to hide. She sold those photos to a newspaper and this is how she was able to earn the money. And I also transitioned my initial creative business from graphic and web design to photography. I found myself in the position of wanting to take good photos by being at the optimum position in the key moment and not to disturb anyone. So in a way, I also desired to be invisible and for others not even to know that I took their pictures. I just wanted to observe and document the reality. However, in many cases, others did not like to be photographed for different reasons.

At that time I also did not like others to take photos or videos of me. I did not want to even consider that someone is observing me. The main reason for that is that I have been bullied in middle school and no one ever gave me any compliment about the way I look. While I lived with my parents the only thing that was important was how good I was able to impress my father with executing practical tasks and how proud I would make him when he would show the results of my work to others. My outer appearance was never important, not even how I dressed. Fashion was the last thing that I could think about and it would make no difference if I would be completely invisible.

My father also did not care if I had a girlfriend or not and I do not remember him ever encouraging me to create a family of my own. He basically wanted me just for himself and anyone that I would be in relationship with would be his competitor for my attention. So while I desired to be in a relationship at least to experience sex, seeing myself in the role of a parent with own children was something that I am having a hard time to imagine. A man is expected to take initiative, to be the main provider for the family, to be bold and to have a firm stance. However, I have been conditioned not to have an opinion of my own but to only be in a state of constant readiness and to immediately execute orders of other people as soon as I receive them.

In the past years, I have been in several relationships with girls however none of them was a good match for me. I tried to direct relationships the best way I could, however, I struggled with handling their personalities and felt to be limited and diminished by them. So far I did not make much of an effort to seek and carefully select a suitable partner for myself. I met all past girlfriends by random events and for the most part, I have just let others direct the development of the relationships. I was happy with what I got and was not very ambitious or picky. I endured all unpleasant things until they became too much and then I ended the relationship. After every breakup, I felt so disappointed that for the next 5 years I completely lost any desire to be in a relationship.

Now, at the age of 46, while being single for 6 years already, I am again asking myself if I should get into a new relationship or remain single. I am also at the turning point where I have restarted to offer my own services. This is because in the last years I have worked on projects that looked promising, were in the best interest of all life, however, money-wise they have all let me down. I feel like now is just not a good time to engage in any relationship since I want to take my business and financial issues back in order. I want to fully focus only on developing my own business and do not want any distractions. I imagine that when my income would be stable and high enough, that would give me sufficient confidence. Because as extensively described in The Soul of Money series, money is the main and most deep driving force that influences every of our subconscious decision.

And even if I manage to get my business running, I wonder if I would be able to feel comfortable in an intimate relationship with someone else. Currently, I prefer to keep my life simple and as uncomplicated as possible, also in terms of the number of physical things that I possess and maintain. I want to operate within my capacity and to keep high situational awareness so that I can also take full responsibility for my decisions. My plan is to increase the quality of my services, to deepen my professionalism and to assist others in the best way possible. This is my correctional life mission in order to break free form the self-centered personality, inherited from my father and to remediate the karmic consequences of my ancestry.

So I am committed to ground myself as much as possible and to transform all my energetic addictions, also with the assistance of awesome Desteni I Process courses. While I have so far enjoyed watching one feature film per evening on top of watching several short movies and videos the same day, I reduced this to watching only one feature film per week. I stopped again watching porn during masturbation end even not using any imagination in order to practice it only as of the physical self-expression. And I even massively reduced the frequency of masturbation to not more than once per week. The recent business decision to not offer also graphic design and photography services anymore and to focus only on counseling services will also enable me to reduce the time using the computer virtual reality even more.

And in terms of movies in general, yes it is possible to learn from the stories within the films. However many are fiction and those events never happened. In the movies everything is possible, like in the imagination of our minds that is disconnected from the laws of physical word. I learned that in high-class societies they do not mess kids with reading fairytales to them. They read stories that actually happen with people who really existed. I have had doubts that if I work as a professional counselor, I will not be able to bear listening to all the problems of the people. But then I compared how much stress and drama I experience from watching war action or horror movie and concluded that I will probably be able to handle it. So what I will be doing is just swapping the fake virtual drama with real-life drama that will also enable me to see what people in this world are actually experiencing and to develop compassion more.

Basically, I am taking more charge and directive principle in my life to free myself from any kind of energetic distractions so that I can integrate into my physical body more and to be able to communicate with others confidently. And to transform myself even more, to be a better teacher by my own example about how to live and apply the principle of oneness and equality in all areas of life. I am decided to step out of the shadow of my father and to become fully visible again to everyone and everything. To exist with the full awareness that we all are part of this life and that it is impossible to hide and run away from it. Thus best for me and for others to fully embrace this fact so that we can start living together in harmony and abundance as soon as possible.

Day 178: Nature of my comfort zone

While returning to offering my personal business services I have been facing many doubts, fears, and desires. This is why I had problems even with defining what services to offer or if I should start with a broader spectrum of services or be as focused on one as possible. And even if I should restart the services that I have not been offering in the past or do something that would more fit my personality, skill set and goals. Previously I have been offering graphic and web designs, photography, and counseling services, however, I am attracted also to professions, like a private investigator, movie director, and writer. Thus I am looking at how to get the most of my experiences while being careful not to get into a situation that is too demanding for me to handle.

Recently I had a couple of talks with my ex-flatmate where I have realized how much my family environment shaped me. And how I despite years of walking the process of personal transformation there is still a root personality character directing my life. Thus I feel like I am in a hypnotic or a dreamlike state where things that I want to achieve are out of my reach. Or like I have no capacity or tools to do what I want because there is certain kind of energies that pull me down whenever I want to reach up to the surface of the lake that I have been pushed in. I can boil down the description of my current main personality into the following points:

1. I am the oldest son that has to be an example to my younger brother and I am not allowed to make any mistakes or I will be yelled at by my short-tempered father.
   
   
2. My father will provide me with everything that I need to survive so the most important objective is to keep my father happy in order to guarantee my survival.
   
   
3. I have to organize my life in such a way that I can respond to my father as soon as possible when and as he calls me and needs me to do something.
   
   
4. My creative opinion is not important because all that counts is that my design please my father despite my collaboration with him resulting in bad designs.
   
   
5. Relationships between me and others are not important because what matters is only that I am maintaining a good relationship with my father.
   
   
6. Having my girlfriend or children is not something that my father has expressed that he would like to see so it is just fine with him if I remain single.
   
   
7. My father craves to be recognized by others and to be in the center of attention thus I must not do anything that would take full attention away from him.
   
   
8. Whenever I do my own projects I am criticized and ridiculed bor that by my father so it is best to do only what my father tells me to and nothing else.
   
   
9. Stopping working for my father and doing something else is not an option since my main purpose of existence is to serve him as long as he lives.
   

So these are my believes that drive my life, sabotage my self-expression and prevent me from doing what is best for all life. A while ago I did cut all my communications and stopped working for my father however after some time I reestablished a former relationship with him. It is hard for me to work independently because I have not been taught and encouraged to take care of myself and to establish personal and business relationships with others. While I did become a sole entrepreneur in the year 2000 and have worked on many different projects with others, it still feels for me very strange and unnatural. It is hard for me to decide what to do because I live in a fear that whatever I do I will be judged and criticized by others in the same manner that my father does. Thus my mode of living is keeping a very low profile, doing as little as possible to survive and avoid any conflict.

I did manage to break out of these limitations and I am pushing myself to become a more independent individual that is not so attached to what my father wants and thinks. Also by continuing the Structural Resonance Alignment course which is part of Desteni I Process courses, I will continue to be break free from these patterns in order to be a more supportive part of life in this world. And these are some related audios form the Eqafe website that I recommend to those who also struggle with similar issues:

Bursting Your Bubble of Comfort
Comfort Zones and Dependency
Lost Myself in Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
My life of Co-Dependency

Day 177: Optimizing my apartment for business

After my flatmate has moved out two weeks ago, I started to prepare her room for my photo & design studio. It took one week for me and the landlord just to work on the repainting of the room. Then I had to decide what to do with all of the furniture that has been completely moved from the room to the back yard before the painting. It took me several days before I decided about the final placement of the closets and tables. What I knew was that I need to move the big office desk with computer and printers from my current bedroom to the new studio. However, all the rest of the furniture that has so far been in my bedroom and in the bedroom of my ex-flatmate I could place it in any of the rooms. I experimented a lot with many different compositions and moved some pieces of furniture from one to another room even three times. That was mentally and especially physically exhausting since I did most of the movements by myself and some closets were very heavy.

The final placement was such that two closets from my bedroom were moved to the studio and three of those that were in the toom of my ex-roommate were placed into my bedroom. It all looked fine however when I went to sleep, I experienced such a disturbing smell from the newly placed closets that I could not sleep. So I moved two of the closets out of the room and the smell became bearable again. The next day I was focused to remove for the smell so I spent a lot of time searching online for the solutions. I prepared the shopping list and went to the shopping mall where I purchased the necessary products for the smell removal. Then I prepared a mixture of hot water, alcoholic vinegar, baking soda, and a Lavander essential oil. With that liquid, I wiped all the sides and insides of the problematic closets. And that was also quite a physically exhausting task. I left the closets to dry overnight and the next day I placed them in their final position.

The odor removal procedure has been effective and I was able to sleep in my bedroom just fine after that. I planned to in the same way process also several other closets with minor odor however I have become so physically tired that I decided to wait for a couple of days. Yesterday I also went shopping at the hardware store to buy some accessories to enhance my living experience even more. I purchased adhesive textile to stick it on the bottom of the closet so that I can slide it easier and with less possibility of scratching the floor, new handles for one of the closets that broke off, and a mesh for the windows to prevent insects from entering my apartment, and some other accessories that I need for my photo studio. So today I plan to continue with the cleaning of the closets, sticking textile pads, replacing handles and mounting of the mesh.

In the last days, I have been also thinking about how to make the room with a kitchen more appropriate as the reception room. Initially, I considered the presence of the kitchen not appropriate at all so I wanted to remove it from the view of my visitors. I went to a curtains shop and asked how much would it cost and how long would it take to make a curtain that would span from the floor up to the ceiling and cover all of my kitchens. After I found out the price and that it would take at least 3 weeks to deliver it decided that this is not something that I am going to invest into at the moment. And after I got some friends invited to look at my new studio they said that having a kitchen in the reception room is even an advantage since it makes it more homely. So I decided to leave it to be visible and will just clean it and replace the objects on the shelves so that they will be more harmonious and pleasant to the eye.

One of bigger undertakings was also a detailed cleaning and flipping of the refrigerator. The insides were very dirty, with stains of food and the walls of the freezer were encased in ice. So the first step was to remove all the food from it. And I asked my neighbor if can store the frozen food in her freezer for a while. After all the ice melted down, I removed the water and all the small movable parts from within the refrigerator. I followed with the washing of all the interior and exterior and vacuuming of the appliance at the back. Next, I placed the fridge on the floor, turned it upside down and moved the hinges and handles from one side to another. That made the opening of the doors on the fridge much more convenient for me considering its position in the kitchen. And finally, I placed it back to its place, mounted back all the cleaned shelves, turned it on and filled it with the food again.

The landlord also replaced the kitchen faucet with a new one because it leaked water slowly for many months. So far I have been tolerating this malfunction and had a piece of cloth wrapped around it so that the water did not spread around and was redirected into the sink. However, that was not a permanent solution and I am glad that the landlord finally considered my complaint and done something about it. The problem with water is also on the wall before the bathroom. The moist is somehow entering the wall and making the plaster to fall off and this has been the problem for years. The landlord also tried to replaster the wall a week ago however the top layer started to peel off already the next day. He was frustrated with the situation and said that he will fix it someday later. I guess he will have to completely replace the shower ceramic tiles which will cost him a lot.

Besides all these big tasks there are also smaller ones that I plan to do. Some of the clothes from one closet became a bit smelly due to mold and I need to was them. Then there are a lot of items in the closets that I do not need them anymore. Some are part of my wardrobe and some are office and business items that became obsolete in time and due to recent change of my business path. All the physical and mental effort contributed to by lower back pain to being increased. So I have to be careful not to overwhelm myself too much and to take enough rest. And also to plan the task so that I can execute them in small enough steps. Luckily I had some sales in a recent period that suffices for all my increased monthly expenses so I am quite satisfied with my current movement. In the following days, I plan to make my apartment more fluent and then I will only seriously start with the advertising of my new business services.

Some attention will need also the files on my computer. Usually, after I finish a design or photography project, I delete the obsolete files, rename and code them and move them in the client designated folder. I also file any related paper documents and other client-related items. Thus I make sure that my desk, my computer workspace, and my email inbox are always clean. However several weeks ago I stopped with this practice and the clutter began to accumulate, mostly in terms of my computer files. I now have thousands of files, especially photos, to review, process and store them. It will take me a lot of time and butt pain to fix this but it has to be done. I work best if I can fully focus on my new projects when I am completely done with my previous ones. So I will slow down and take it to step by step, regardless of how much time it will take.

Here are some supportive audios that assisted me a lot in regards to this blog post:
Lower Back Pain
Can't This Go Any Faster
Internal & External Process
Space, Environment, Routine, & Self Definition
Moving Your Staff and Your Business Forward