Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 160: Worrying during work tasks

Not so long ago I join a international NGO that needed a logo for their new brand. Initially I became part of their internal graphic design team where each of us contributed with our logo design suggestions. After a while the organisation management got tired of waiting for us to come with a acceptable logo and decided to outsource it to one of popular international design contesting websites. Each of internal designers got payed in our cryptocurrency but of course not as much as the designer that eventually won the contest. When the head of NGO then provided us with the source file of the selected new logo, I noticed that it was not in expected vector format that can be infinitely scaled but only a bitmap file in medium resolution, usable only for website and small printed publication. I volunteered to take over the task of vectorisation since I worked in pre-press for over 10 years and converting images from pixels to vector lines is what I am very skilled at.

During the process of vectorisation I had a massive backchat about many things. Firstly I was dissatisfied with the NGO leadership that did even not educate themselves about how final logo format should be before they organised the design contest. Then I was disappointed about my logo not being selected despite of me being very professional in terms of making sure that it would be scalable, applicable and easily reproducible. I was unhappy about spending so much money on designer who was so unprofessional that he or she did not provide the logo in clean vector shape.

After I continued with inspecting the source file of the logo I noticed that the elements that were to represent a plant were so unnatural that people would notice and criticise it when the logo would be reproduced on some larger canvas. I started to wonder if I should take the initiative and do the corrections that I considered to be in the best interest of the organisation or if I should stick strictly to the original shape. Of course I could send such questions to the NGO leaders but they were very busy and had quite long response time. And many projects were stalled and could not move on before the logo was prepared so there was also a time pressure. 

What I was asking myself during the vectorisation process was if my work will be accepted, recognised and rewarded or if it will be criticised and refused. So I was quite worried about many things and I felt confused and anxious. I was also not sure about what is the procedure to become clear about the things that I wanted answer to since I was not clear about the roles in the NGO or who would be the most appropriate person to query. I wanted to do a good job however all the thinking created a depressed feeling and heaviness around my eyes.

I started to wonder why I am having so much trouble with such a relatively simple task while some individuals in the organisation seem to deal with their task very easily. Then I finally realised that I remembered how my father constantly pushed and criticised me while I was working in his family visual communications company. I was the only one using the computer to scan the logos from the flyers or business cards that clients delivered and I had to vectorise them very accurately and as fast as possible.

The next step of my responsibilities was to engage in the pre-press, do colour separation and films for the screen-printing department that my younger brother was in charge of. And if I made a single mistake, which I occasionally did, but it was discovered only after several hundred pieces of deliverables were printed, it resulted in quite some material damage and massive anger that was clearly expressed by my brother and my father. So during my design and pre-process I was in constant fear of later being emotionally attacked and blamed for damages.

Despite my brother taking over our family business about 17 years ago, me not working there anymore and moving to different part of our country, I still occasionally do some design work for my father using Skype and screen sharing. Lately we go along quite fine but occasionally he still comes with his pattern of getting inpatient and emotions of anger that trigger unpleasant feelings within me. And I am getting so much tired of living in constant expectation when he will call me next and fearing that after I do something for him he will be unsatisfied with my work.

Such experiences engrained and rooted deeply into my body to the level where they influence also myself in unpleasant way when I am working for any other client or do other work that can even not involve computers at all. So I am now going to apply the tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitments in order to shatter crystallised patterns that limit my self-expression and creative potentials:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid about what others will think about the results of my work. I realise that despite my work is a sort of extension and a part of me, the feedback given by others is often influenced by their projections and different kind of reasoning. When and as someone criticise my work and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, they do not like me as a being.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to in such cases breathe effectively, listen to the feedback within emotional stability and see if I can improve the result of my work so that it will serve end users as best as possible in a practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured when engaging in a creative design process since it takes quite some time and inspiration to come with a good and fresh idea and then to also manifest it in a tangible form. I realise that despite of being pressured and not allowed enough time to creatively express during the period of me being employed by my father I am now my own boss and am able to take as much time as needed for me to be completely satisfied with the result. When and as I start with creative design process and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Time is money so you must hurry or the client will have to pay you much more money than needed.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find clients who value high quality design and are also willing to pay fair price for it so that I can focus on being creative without any kind of unnecessary pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed in cases when I do not know who in organisation that I collaborate with is responsible for what. I realise that the only solution for something that I am not clear about is to ask questions and get answers no matter how long it takes for me to be completely clear about whatever I need to know in order to move forward. When and as I am unclear about something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, I will now have to spend time to write the questions and wait for the answers and thus the work will have to wait.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to be aware that being clear about things is the most important in life and that I am diligent in making all the necessary questions and be patient at receiving the answers. And during the time while I wait for a needed answer for me to be able to move on with a project, there are always many other tasks that I can do, especially perfecting myself by writing mind constructs like in this blog post.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Worry Wart from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 159: Emotional dependency

I did not write into my blog for the last several weeks because there have been a lot of disturbing physical movements around the place where I live. Firstly the flatmate that lived in the room next to mine has moved out with his girlfriend to their own apartment. All the related activities that included total renovation of their previous room where I also assisted greatly took a lot of my time and attention. And then a young couple that lived in the apartment next to mined moved to that room. Again I also assisted them with cleaning and renovating of the room where their previously lived and with moving to the new room. New flatmates brought a completely new relationship dynamic to my life due to their specific personality and my relationship with them that formed within the last 3 years of living together as close neighbours.

The girl who moved to the room next to mine was going to a very emotional period and her experience while she was growing up with her parents shaped her into someone who craves for attention and is not able to sleep alone. Meaning that whenever her boyfriend would go away for two or more days, she would ask one of the neighbours if she can sleep in the same room or even the same bed with them despite of she being already 30 years old. In recent weeks, especially after they moved to my apartment, I was her favourite pick to spend the night together. To be clear, such kind of socialising was from her perspective not to be sexual in any way despite of also desiring hugging occasionally. We spent many hours, especially in the late evenings, talking about her emotional dependency and how strong she is missing her boyfriend at times when he is out for several days. But then she also started to share with me how they almost broke up a month ago since her boyfriend is becoming tired of her emotional outbursts and how he plans to be away even more frequently end for even longer periods of time.

They have been together for around 4 years and slowly it started to show that they have very different needs and future life agendas. Their relationship challenges now escalated to such extend that her boyfriend definitely decided to break up with her and move out of our shared apartment. Initially he wanted to move out already a week ago however he later changed his mind and decided to stay for another month. During that time he was firstly away for 5 days, now he is back for 2 days and then he will be again be gone for 10 days. While he was gone his ex-girlfriend became quite attached to me and she started to consider me as her new boyfriend. However whenever her ex-boyfriend returns she becomes extremely divided because she still loves him so much and would like to be with him indefinitely. Recent time period has thus for me been a very turbulent since I have been witnessing a lot of extreme emotional drama including crying, craving, jealousy, blaming, becoming angry and even physical violence by that girl.

Such events were also very challenging for me since I needed to decide how and to what extend shall I get involved in assisting the girl especially from perspective of becoming one end equal with her and supporting her with becoming less emotionally dependent and more self-reliant. Also I am now facing a decision whether become her boyfriend or not. This is where it is currently a bit hard to say now because I will be the closest person and her best friend to socialise with especially after her boyfriend will move out and I also like her a lot. It is in a way funny how life brings very similar kind of girls who are very emotionally unstable and need a lot of support to me. I have been already in couple of such relationships lasting around 3 years and it looks like a new one is about to start. With the difference of course that I am now more mature and skilled in understanding and responding to the minds of others and am also equipped with tools to support myself and fellow beings more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of possible relationship with a very emotional girl due to prediction that our relationship will end in the same way as my previous relationships did and that I am thus wasting my time with her. This is due to my accepted and allowed belief that in my age of 43 it is about time to find some emotionally stable girl that I will have kids with who will grow up into great leaders and contribute to bettering of this world extensively. I realise that life does not necessary need to be about raising best kids and expecting them to become the change in this world and that I am already able to change myself and massively contribute to global society regardless of what kind of relationship I am in or if I will have my own children or not. When and as I am evaluating a potential partner and my mind goes like: “I must check the level of her emotional stability and accept her as my life partner only if she proves that she is stable enough.” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to assist myself and others to become more emotionally stable in every single moment of my life according to my capacity and ability of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I engage in another relationship with a very emotional girl me and my projects will become compromised due to constant clinging and need for attention from such girl. I realise that in any given moment I am able to respond to current situation and protect myself and my interest to the level where I can feel comfortable. When and as I am becoming close to an emotional girl and my mind creates imagination of the future where I live in a suffocating relationship with such girl, I stop and breathe. Within the realisation that I am able to break any kind of relationship at any time, I continue living as an example of solution in terms of emotionally stable guy who is able to respond to any life challenge with confidence and self-assurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a peaceful, stress-free life where I will be able to enjoy only the best of what this world has to offer. I realise that within the realisation that each of us is responsible for the current situation on this world, this is not the time where one can afford to ignore all the current suffering in existence, nor can anyone deny the fact that we are one and interconnected anymore. When and as I am picking direction of movement in my life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Decide for an easy path of tranquility and abundance and avoid any kind of stress.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to firstly focus on the process of self-perfection and at the same time to find best position in the global society where I can create the biggest leverage as possible to equally assist also others at the process of releasing ourselves from alternative energetic realities of the mind and starting to live responsibly as one and equal in this universal physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Dependency from the Relationship Success Support series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.

Day 158: Pain in my left knee

I had pain in my knee for many times in the previous years due to my limiting mind patters. However it was always the right knee where the pain was located. Never before as far I can remember had I pain in my left knee. However several days ago for the first time ever I started to experience the pain in my left knee. I have been wondering what could be the cause for that and I had some ideas however I am not completely sure. I gave myself couple of days in order to see if it would go away because maybe I have successfully sorted things out in my mind, however it is still there and I could say it has even slightly increased. So now I decided to give it more attention to become aware about the cause of it by using the tool of writing and sounding self-forgiveness.

One of the probable causes for the pain in my left knee could be the discussion with one of Slovenian philosophers who invited me to have two long Skype chats about the god, responsibility and the origin of our thoughts that he recorded for his podcast series. Within the interview I was challenged to talk about the extent of personal responsibility and preprogramming of the existence. Because some scientific experiments were suppose to prove that other beings know about our intention a few moments before the though actually appears in our minds. And then also do we actually have any power of decision and creation since some can predict the future and thus prove that everything is already decided in advanced. So how can we prove that our thoughts are actually our own creation and not the thoughts that have already been created by someone else and then only served to us?

Before I started to write this blog post, I searched eqafe.com for interdimensional interviews by the keyword god. I listened to a interview that explains the difference between the real god as the physical and the creators of the mind who separated us as the beings from the physical by the controlling thoughts in order to keep us away from our awareness of who we really are. So the explanation is that automatic thoughts that are created by the mind are means of distraction while we as the physical beings are able to create our own thoughts from the scratch. Because god as the physical is created, creator and the creation. And the other question is the motivation for creation and destruction in the context of life and death. Because death exists only from the perspective of the mind and life as the physical has no beginning or end. The life as the physical only changes form or shape and thus can actually not be harmed. Which brings me back to my pain in the left knee that should not be there if I would become fully aware that I am part the eternal life as the physical.

What I want to say is that from the perspective of reality being the life as the physical why would I want to create anything and not simply stay still. And if I am the creator that created myself as the individualised being in this human physical body, why do I not have the full awareness about the history of the whole creation? The explanation could be that because I am part of the god almighty,  I also created unawareness of myself in order to experience state of separation from myself which is in reality a complete impossibility. Nevertheless here I am now in this physical body, experiencing the impossible and having to decide what to do about myself and what to create next, or rather to say, what to uncreate. Because I have become tired of existing in separation as the mind and would like to return home as life of the physical. I am tired of experiencing pain and lack of things that I need to sustain myself as this physical body and am ready to experience wholeness and abundance again. Maybe in the future I will get tired of oneness and desire the dive into separation again but I guess there is no other way of how existence is able to experience itself. It is constant cycle of inhaling and exhaling, creation and destruction, oneness and separation.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Is God Creator or Created? from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 157: Crick in my neck

Three days ago I got a pain in my neck. I could also say that the pain was located on my shoulder because the centre of the pain was vertically positioned near the back of my spine on top of the shoulder however more towards my left shoulder. It started to appear four days ago when I had a chat with my DIP course buddy and increased the next day after I had a chat with my flatmate about the struggle that I am facing with. And it is about being attracted to different sources of information and way of explaining how this existence works. But what troubled me the most was that if I would want to fully understand what each of the sources are actually saying, I would have to dedicate my time to completely integrate the information. And this could be the reason for the pain as the reflection of feeling burdened by the challenge of wanting to understand the truth about the functioning of the whole existence. I also found the audio that explains the crick in your neck as related to pattern of looking up to people and looking down on other people and yourself contributing to inequality within leader-follower relationships.

Initially I expected that it would be most supportive for my pain in the neck to write with focus on the point of overwhelmingness however it seem that it would be best to write about who I am looking up to and also down on. Which totally makes sense because in my life it was my father that I started to follow and look up to and I guess all children start with their parents being the first examples where they copy most of their behaviour patterns from. The problem is when the parents do not consider their children as equals but look down on them and even suppress them due to fear that children will become more than them and will thus loose the power of controlling them. And such was exactly the case in family of my parents where especially my father wanted to be something more and did often criticise me for every single small mistake that I made. This resulted in me not developing sufficient self trust and habit of looking inside me for a reference point about my decisions in life.

The message that my father has been embodying is to be productive in terms of accumulating a lot of physical proof of your ingenuity so that it can be shown to the world for the purpose of others looking up to you and thus feeling good for being something more. Such starting point of course prevented him to strive for excellency in terms of perfecting his attitude towards his work thus the final products show mediocracy and carelessness. For example when he is creating replicas from medieval ear he does not make effort to strictly follow the use of materials and designs that were used at that time. He usually adds something that does not belong there and cuts corners to save cost and time. So he is not striving for high quality but mostly for the quantity. And if I look at where I have copied such pattern from him I see that while I am focused more on creating the future and am using technologically advanced tools like computers, I too lack the perfection in studying how this existence functions and am to some extent superficial in my research. I do not go in depth and am not investing enough time and effort to integrate the information more effectively.

And there are some other points that prevent me from integrating information from sources that I stumble upon. First is that I have studied many traditions and authors that explain how this existence works and later I have discovered information that proved them wrong. The reasons were because they have misinterpreted their experiences, they were fooled by the creators of the existence or they were their agents that incarnated here specifically to deceive humanity and redirect us towards the dead end. Thus I developed the mistrust and suspicion about everything that I see, hear or listen since the levels of deception can exist beyond by awareness. Also what I learned is that while some pieces of the message seems to be valid, all the messengers that I have been studying from are not without faults. They are equally individuals in the process of self-perfection and sometimes something that they do or say is far from being valid.

As I learned, we have all ben preprogrammed to be followers to some extend and are constantly searching for someone to look up to. And we lack the ability to look into ourself and find a reliable point of self-trust for the purpose of always being able to distinguish the truth from deception. Thus I have also wanted to find The Source, The Leader that I could follow blindly and just unconditionally absorb all the information without having to use any discernment. However as I realised this is not the possible way of existence to function since we must all learn to develop self-responsibility and instead of relying on someone outside of us to develop real self-trust and ability of common sense. We must not just learn from one single source out there but must research them all end keep what is good. While there are some who lead the path of discovery about how this existence works, it is not enough to simply accept their teachings. We must reach the same awareness by walking the equal path of researching and testing and coming to our own conclusions. We can not gain the same awareness just by becoming their dedicated followers.

Now I am going to face relevant points and change my established ways of dealing with this world by removing the unsupportive programs that I am running on and replacing them with a more functional pieces of code in order to become more supportive part of life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are individuals existing who have all the answers about how existence functions and that I just need to find them and all my problems will be solved. I realise that I can not be sure if such individuals exists and that instead of just searching for someone that knows it all it would be best to learn from those who can explain this existence to a very large extend and combine the information to get the full picture. I commit myself to when and as I am wondering about the secret of the existence and my mind in producing thought like: “I must find the personalised manifestation of the god who will answer to all my questions!” to stop and breathe. A then learn from what other wise people have also provided explanation about and use such knowledge to expand my awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that awareness is a gift of god and that god created some of us with lesser awareness and some individuals with higher awareness. I realise that that I am increasing awareness by researching and learning and that while we all have our unique characteristics those who have reached high level of awareness have evidence that they have also walked a long and dedicated path of research and experimentation where they used own ability of discernment to separate facts from deception and created their own understanding about how this existence functions. I commit myself to when and as I want to know the deepest meaning of life and my mind goes like: “I must just believe that I am a good person and god will eventually enlighten me and gift me with higher level of awareness.” to stop and breathe. I then use the god's gifts in form of already available knowledge and use it as best as possible to discover the secrets of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up to individuals who have achieved a lot in life and making them more than me while believing that I will never be able to reach their level of greatness. I realise that by creating such inequality I am making me less than others and thus the consequences like the crick in my neck are created. I commit myself to when and as I am learning about the people who have achieved great things in life and my mind is saying: “You must become humble in presence of their greatness and admire them due their incredible achievements!” to stop and breathe. I then research their life path and all things that influenced them in order to become capable of such achievements within understanding that we are all different with unique life path and we can all excel in our own way to expand ourselves as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be great and be admired by others in order to fell good and receive what I want from others in my life. I realise that by such desire I equally create inequality and by looking down on others I equally create also undesired consequences that can be experienced as the crick in my neck. I commit myself to when and as I decide about what I want to do in my life and my mind is like: “You must learn about the most advanced knowledge available so that others will look up to you and think that you are a genius.” to stop and breathe. I then continue to satisfy my curiosity about the secrets of life while understanding that we are all parts of the same existence and that I must also stay humble and share my discoveries with others in order for all to improve their lives as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a hoarder of knowledge and information in order to accumulate as large amount of advanced knowledge as possible and display it in front of the world in order to be admired and to feel good about my achievements. I realise that life is not about quantity but about quality and that we can all live in abundance if we share available resources including knowledge equally. I commit myself to when and as I want to know more about things that I am still not clear about and my mind is telling me: “Gather all kinds of information from as many sources as possible in order not to miss something that could be very important!” to stop and breathe. I then with understanding that each of us has a limited time available and that it is not possible to absorb all information out there to rather search for the most reliable sources of information and make sure to integrate the information to the level where I will be able to retain them in my memory for a long time and be thus able to share them with others and function as a useful member of our society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance when I study different sources of information due to understanding that there are all kinds of illusions and deceptions out there and that eventually all information that I now think is the truth can later be proven to be a lie. I realise that the nature of evolution is expansion of awareness where previous concepts and perspectives are eventually overwritten with a new understanding of reality. I commit myself to when and as I learn about this existence and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use discernment and be careful about sharing the information since in time it can be proven as false and other people will judge you and be angry about you so protect yourself and keep quiet!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my current discoveries with others and allow to be proven wrong since only by sharing our perspectives we are able to assemble peaces of information into a full picture and attain complete awareness about the whole reality of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of distinguishing between what is real and what is not and that I will be able to discover the truth of reality only by listening to individuals who are speaking eloquently about the nature of creation. I realise that we all have a reference point within us that can be used for discernment and if applying complete and total self-honesty we can attain the capacity to always know what is truth and what is deceptions. I commit myself to when and as I am researching this reality and my mind is telling me: “Reality can never be understood fully since only god possesses such ability and you are definitely not god!” to stop and breathe. I then within realisation that we are all parts of the same creator and made by his own image and thus also gifted with capacity of reasoning I continue to develop the capacity of self-honesty in order to always be able to rely on my inner guidance when having to distinguish facts from false information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when learning about something new and I am not completely clear about certain points. I realise that askKing is the King and that I am always able to ask questions and receive additional explanations so that eventually I can attain complete clarity about the subject. I commit myself to when and as I am digesting a new body of information and while stumbling about some point that I am not clear about an my mind is going like: “It is pointless to ask questions at this moment and waste time because there is so much additional information available and you will probably get your questions answered by simply continuing to digest the rest of the information available.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write down my questions to become completely clear what I am not sure about and make the effort to verify if answers to such questions actually are provided in some other body of information that already exist because there is always also a possibility that such questions have not been answered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance about sharing my perspectives to others due to fear that others will start asking me a lot of questions that I do not know the answers to and thus I will feel embarrassed. I realise that others questioning me is actually a blessing in disguise because they push me to expand myself where eventually I become the beneficiary due to increased awareness. I commit myself to when and as someone is asking me a question and my mind is like: “Oh no, they have discovered some fault in me and I must be ashamed of not being perfect.” to stop and breathe. I realise that we all have yet to discover many things and by others asking me something they are actually assisting me to quantify the process of self-realisation so I am from now on receiving and answering any question with great appreciation and gratefulness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for the ultimate source of information about all the existence and then be disappointed when I discover that the source has lacked to explain many things that I would like to know about. I realise that there are different reasons for that. One is that each source has a limited capacity of serving information and each source must decide what information to present based on the priorities of the receivers of the information. Then even if the source has all the answers about this existence, the source may act within awareness that many recipients or the humanity in general are not yet capable of handling them and would cause the overwhelmingness, panic and other undesired and harmful consequences if much more advanced information would be shared. I commit myself to when and as I study from certain source of information and my mind goes like: “I see that this and that is lacking to be explained thus this source is no good and I should better find another one that already has all the answers.” to stop and breathe. I then make best use of the available information and fully integrate them and then also equally share them with others with consideration of the capacity of understanding in order for me equally not to create harmful consequences for others. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Crick in Your Neck from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.

Day 156: How to approach women

This blog post is a related to my writing a few posts back titled:
Day 149: How I experience myself towards woman

After 4 years of being single again I decided to restart dating several months ago. Since computers have been my main professional creative tool it was natural for me to firstly engage in online dating. So I researched what are the best national and international dating web sites and mobile apps and have created my profile. My experience so far is that this kind of dating is quite practical in terms of having the ability to search for a proper partner based on different criteria. However the downsides are that there are a lot of fake profiles and scam attempts, it costs money to pay for subscriptions and many of people who are single even do not have any dating profile. Since currently I am living on social support and have not yet established a sufficient stable monthly income I have not been able to pay for online dating subscriptions and could thus not contact girls who indicated that they like my profile. So until I make some more money I have decided to rather engage in live dating.

I do not like going out in terms of visiting bars and clubs since there is loud music that makes conversation hard and I also do not want to meet someone who smokes, takes drugs or drinks alcohol. So I simply wanted to see if some girl will attract my attention during my usual routines of taking walks and exercising in the gym. And so I did in the past months noticed some runners who crossed my path and some girls at the gym however it never came to the point of me actually speaking to them. There were many thoughts in my mind that prevented me to take any practical action.

The first justification was very existential and that is why should I not simply be satisfied with what I am and continue to enjoy the benefits of being single instead of engaging in all kinds the drama related to being in a relationship with another person. Because experience of begin single and experience of being in a relationship have both upsides and downsides. Why not just continue being aware of my breath, enjoying myself in the current surrounding, being creative and having a lot of free time while living a simple life? Why disturbing my inner peace by allowing myself to become attracted to some girl outside of myself and making my life much more complicated than it currently is, especially if we would have kids for example?

However what I noticed within me is that I have become tired of being single and that I would like to experience again the benefits of being in a relationship and also having my own kids for many reasons. Because for example much more can be done in collaboration with another person that you can fully trust in and not to forgets the benefits of experiencing sex in many ways. And especially having own children is a very unique experience because the interactions with a being that is slowly growing and learning can make you think more about the meaning and potentials of life. So this is why I not so long ago decided that I shall experience also having my own family. However here again this experience is related to money and I do not feel comfortable engaging in a relationship without sorting out my money issues first. And I see this happening very soon because my friends and I are creating a new business that should make us a lot of profit.

Other point that I am facing with when approaching women is how to choose which is the one. Obvious factors are the way how someone looks and moves. There are some girls who I find very attractive or beautiful. I am still not sure why it is that certain face features are attractive and represent beauty and some are not and can be described as ugly. Because we all have heads and two eyes and a mouth and a nose somewhere in the middle. I am baffled with the fact that different ratios and positioning of face features can act as being attractive or repulsive. And I am also uncomfortable with such polarity since I do not want to be attached to anything outside of me in terms of falling in love with a beautiful girl. I do not want to long for someone and feel the lack because someone that I love is not close to me. And than there is also fear of loss because that girl can die soon or someone else can steal it from me due her beauty. But not only that, also she can feel uncomfortable thinking that I am with here only due to her looks and her fear of loosing me would increase with age when her beauty starts to disappear. 

Women then also have different preferences about men if of course I disregard lesbians and bisexuals. But generally a classical type of men is a muscular and rich man who would be a good provider, protector and will guarantee a safe environment for his woman and children. From the perspective of biology this makes sense because women are the one who birth new life and during the pregnancy they are much more vulnerable than man. And comparing to men their bodies are also generally smaller and less powerful. So typical men represent power and stability and women represent creativity and beauty. Thus it looks like men are competing who will reproduce with the most beautiful women and they are competing for the most powerful men. It is all about the survival of the fittest and evolution of the human race if we look the whole dating scene from pure biological perspective.

Then there are anomalies when individuals transcend such primitive attraction and change their preferences about their perfect partner. Some fall for intelligence, some strive for someone who wants to live close to nature, and there are all kind of qualities that some are seeking in their partner. When meeting someone their body language, facial expression, the way they talk and dress can to certain level reflect their non-physical qualities. However first impressions can sometimes be deceiving since many wear masks and hide who they truly are. So it usually takes many months or even years before you are able to know true nature of someone that you consider as a potential partner. Thus dating takes a lot of time and other resources and it is quite a nuisance when after years of time invested you discover that your partner is not sufficiently compatible with you to be able to spend the rest of your life with them.

I learned that in some culture parents are the ones who pick wives for their sons. Maybe because they feel more competent in selecting the best match due to much more life experiences. And there are also other factors because when two get married this is not only a union of two individuals but a merger of a two whole family clans. Especially on top levels like kings they have picked their queens from all kind of strategical political and financial interests. So marriage is not just a two individuals deciding to live together and maybe have kids but is also involves legal dimension about ownership of assets that are transferred from generation to generation. Certain kinds of marriages even considers women as a liability that must be purchased from the parents. And a state marriage also involves social protection programs where children are legally owned by a state and can be taken away if parents do not meet certain criteria.

Other threats that having a family is also creating is infiltration and extortion. When you are in a relationship with someone a bond is created, ways are set and a life partnership is like a small business where two are setting goals and collaborating towards their fulfilment. Thus both need to work as one in order to avoid any conflict. While you might know who you are and what you want, it is possible that your partner can be influenced by ideas of some other individuals who want you to fail in your personal and business life. Your partner can turn into double agent and counteract your efforts. Someone can also use your spouse and children to threaten and extort you. Your family members can be kidnapped and tortured in exchange for money or in exchange for some other favour. So when you decide to stop being single and create a family, life can get very complicated and besides many potentials it also brings many dangers.

Besides all that things can also take undesired route in other ways. For example you spouse or kids can get very sick, maybe even terminally ill. They can get get hurt in accidents, loose parts of their bodies, ability to move and perform mentally. All kinds of things imaginable and beyond imagination can happen that are far from your ideal plans of having a partner and a family. Thus while it is cool to have plans in life and to know what you want, it is also important to stay aware that one can control only few things in life and everything else will be a result of actions of billions of other being that each of us share this existence with. This is why I am now going to look at some of my related mind patterns and transform them so that my mind will be aligned with the reality as much as possible:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to forget that life is far from ideals in fairytales and that no one lives happily forever after without any challenges. I realise that in every single moment a lot of things can happen that can turn my life upside down and completely change my options. I commit myself to when and as I wake up in the morning and mind is producing thought like: “Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday so just carry on with your daily routine and everything will be fine.” to stop and breathe. I then rather live the day within awareness that I can not possibly know what will happen in the next moment and to be in constant readiness for the unexpected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear approaching girls that I find attractive due to believe that they will have power over me and will use their beauty to manipulate with me. I realise that I have also been using many tactics of manipulation from my birth on to get what I want from my parents, friends and partners. While beauty of my physical body was not my main asset to attract others, I have been using other skills like knowledge, information and ingenuity to satisfy my personal interests. I commit myself to when and as I notice some girl that I find physically attractive and my mind goes like: “She is too beautiful for me and I bet that she will completely enchant me. She will use her spells to take all my money from me and eventually leave me for someone else so I must stay away from her.” I then engage in casual conversation with her while being aware that each of us has different assets that others can benefit from and that there are women out there who seek exactly what I have to offer. So it is just a mater of being patient and test as many women as possible until I meet a proper match for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that women who are physically attractive can easily get everything they want and are the only one who exploit others. I realise that while they definitely got more attention from men than less attractive women, they might have also suffered abuse and can be in fear that others want them just for their good looks that will eventually disappear with age. I commit myself to when and as I see some good looking women and my thought are like: “She has the whole world on a golden platter and absolutely no problems. Good for her!” to stop and breathe. I then create relationship with girls in consideration that each of us is incarnated in a different physical body with different talents that all have their upsides and downsides. I thus treat everyone as one end equal, knowing that we all need to use our assets as best as possible in order to survive in this world since the situation is far from everyone being taken care unconditionally for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat women only from the perspective of my self-interest in terms of imagining how I will be able to have sex with them and how they will give birth to my children instead of treating them as equal human being. I realise that women are not here just to satisfy the needs of man and that women also have their own desires that we man can fulfil in mutual and equal satisfaction. I commit myself to when and as I see a woman and I think: “Sole purpose of women is to give sexual pleasures to men and birth children so I must pick one that I will have the most pleasurable sex with and will provide me with healthy offspring.” to stop and breathe. I then approach women with awareness that they equally enjoy sex and care to find a proper partner that will offer necessary support for them and the children that will come through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching women when I am not dressed elegantly due to believe that the first impression is most important and that I need to initially visually present myself as a successful and respectful member of society. I realise that while clothes can assist you in impressing others, what women respond to most is the level of self-confidence and being persistent. I commit myself to when and as I meet a women and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, she is so charming and I am not very well dressed so best not to embarrass myself by even trying to speak to her.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in conversation with awareness that I am not my clothes and that it is important to be constant in thoughts, words and actions regardless what shape and colours of fabric I put on top of my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discouraged because I have not been able to move when noticing some attractive girl due to becoming paralysed by all kinds of energies of feelings and emotions. I realise that every skill needs to be developed and I have not been practicing life dating at all. And equally like I have developed any other skill that I currently master, I can become master of approaching even the most attractive women that I notice. I commit myself to gradually engage in casual conversation firstly with less attractive girls and then slowly progress to speaking with more attractive ones until I will completely loose any fear and will become comfortable speaking even with the beauty queen of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach others only when I wanted something from them instead of regularly making casual conversations with complete strangers and thus getting to know others without any expectations. I realise that I have been mostly communicating with others online and only in terms of achieving certain agenda thus I am lacking live social skills that are necessary to function properly as a productive member of society. I commit myself to not only engage in conversation with women that I like and with those that I want something from them, but also with all others since we all need to become more friendly towards each others. Thus I am now using every single opportunity to speak with others even if it is to exchange nothing more than an opinion about the current weather situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of approaching women in my current condition of living in a small room with a single bedroom that is not very impressive if some girl would want to see where and how I live. I realise that initial dating can be performed in nature and public places like bars, clubs, restaurants and similar for many weeks before inviting someone home. And it is not so unusual for single people to live in small apartments and then only move to bigger place with a partner that they decide to live together with. I commit myself to when and as I notice an attractive girl and my thoughts are: “Such I shame that I live in a small room with single bed since I will not be able to invite her home immediately and have sex with her in a large bed.” to stop and breathe. I then engage in starting to knowing her since I could find out very quick that we are not a good match and even if we would decide to have sex very soon, she might have a bigger and more comfortable bed at her place or we can do it in a rented hotel room or even in the car, on the floor or anywhere we find it appropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about approaching perspective partners since I live on a social support money and can not afford at this time to pay for some expensive dinners or gifts. I realise that dating does not need to be expensive and that others are able to understand that people some times find themselves in between careers. I commit myself to when and as I want to date someone and my mind goes like: “This is a total no go since it will cost a lot of money that I currently do not have.” to stop and breathe. I then start dating, explain my current situation, my past and my future plans and see how it goes.  

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Relationship Experimentation from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 155: Painful manifestation on my butt

I seat a lot since my work is computer related. When I do something creative on my computer or if I watch some movie, I can seat for hours without standing up and I do not feel any physical discomfort. Despite of my bottom pressing again the chair for a long time, there are usually no long-term consequences of that. However occasionally I get some painful manifestations around the rectum that persist for several weeks and during that time it is very uncomfortable for me to seat on the chair and work with computer. Those manifestations are hardly visible to the naked eye, but when touched with the hand they feel like a hardened parts of the skin, usually elongated, like a vain, a few millimetres thick and a few centimetres long. Sometimes they include also a special painful spot, like a pimple however it is more solid and deeper than a common pimple. Such part of hardened skin with a very painful spot also manifested on my butt a week ago and this time I decided to do a deeper research about the cause of it in order to prevent it from reoccurring in the future.

Those of us who are part of Desteni group and walk Desteni I Process course for self-realisation have the privilege of support from experienced New Kinesiology practitioners. So I also scheduled a Skype session with one of them and explained my problem. The first thing that she indicated is that the painful manifestation on my buttocks is related to my mental processes. However she immediately also asked me if I already went to check it with a doctor because even though she tested out that it is a mind point, it may not automatically heal itself if and when I look at the mind point. Then she specified that the cause is a projection, specifically projecting emotions or expressions such as hostility, anger, hatefulness, selfishness, distance and irritation onto a person. In such emotional experience I reacted with sadness, guilt, remorsefulness, depression, tiredness, feeling stupid, inferiority and isolation. And the next related point that she indicated was a backchat of hatefulness, anger, hostility, criticism, selfishness, sarcasm and feeling hurt.

When I checked my memory what sorts of events I experienced around the time when the painful manifestation on my butt occurred I immediately remembered a visit of a policeman at my home. That policeman called me on the phone a day before and explained that he wants to talk to me since he is investigating a probable case of illegal money pyramid. I remember that immediately after the call, I had a massive backchat throughout the rest of the day and I imagined all kind of possible scenarios that might take place when he will arrive the next day. I have been pondering how to answer his questions, starting with introduction of myself. My encounters with police were very rare and I face them only several times in my life during the common traffic checks and when I reported couple of cases to them. However never have I been under investigation for anything illegal. Due to me wanting to be an example of a good person that does not harm anyone I wondered how even came so far that someone reported my activities as having something to do with breaking the law.

My core pattern that I have been transforming for the last several years has been fear about being criticised by others which is connected to my desire of wanting to get attention by impressing others with sharing of advanced knowledge and information. And I am still a bit sensitive about what others think about me especially if they blame me for something that I did not done or they perceive me as the opposite of how I want to be experienced by others. The next point that made me react especially to a person who has been in a role of policeman was information that I got in a study group where we researched the secret history and functioning of global legal and money system. It was explain that contrary to public believe that police is to protect us they are actually protectors of the public legal system that was created for the benefit of the Crown and the Pope who have been controlling and enslaving the humanity through religion and money system. Because as explained, by issuing of the birth certificate, we are turned into a legal fiction called the Person and taken all the human rights in exchange for the benefits of the public social system.

So the first thought that came through my mind after the policeman announced his visit was how shall I answer if he asks me if my name is Valentin Rozman. Because if I give him my full name as it stated on my birth certificate and my national ID card, legally I am confirming to be a legal fiction and will be handled as such. I started to project knowledge and information gained in the research group and created an enemy construct about the policeman. In my mind he was an evil representative of enslavement and abuse system with powers that he can use to arrest me and put me in jail. And because I was not skilled in legal terminology I would not be able to answer him in the way where my natural rights as a living human on land would be effectively protected. So I became quite scared and afraid what will happen when and as I face the policeman, especially because he will come to me in regards to a money related charges. About the operations that I have been involved in I have mede sure that all is legal and have several months ago contacted all the respective government agencies for them to confirm that everything that I have been doing is aligned with Slovenian legislation. Despite of knowing that the policeman will not be able to find any evidence of a criminal activity because all that I do is aligned with the law, I was still very uncomfortable due to possibility that he will be able to find something that I have missed to see.

When the next day the policeman came, I was surprised that he was not in the uniform, he just came in without introducing himself or asking me about my name and only after we sat down behind the table, he showed his badge and asked me about my birth date and place. He actually never asked for my name or any identification document. Then he explained that he came just to checked a few facts and that there is no person who suffered any damage due to my activities. He just needed to do some research on behalf of government financial agency in order to confirm that all is according to the law. We had quite a nice three hour talk where I enlightened him about many things that he was not aware of. Like that the fiat money system is actually the biggest theft in human history despite of being totally legal. All went fine however during the chat I noticed that I was still quite tense and in a slight emotional reaction because I did not consider the policeman as an equal but someone who is superior to me and is also in role of a someone who is violating natural rights despite of him probably thinking that what he does is for the good of the whole society.

After our chat I also sent him the proof of my previous communication with financial government agencies and their answers and I expect that this case will be closed soon. Now it is up to me to write some statements in order to transform my patterns of projecting blame and anger towards policeman and thus taking full self-responsibility for all the related reactions that me and no one else is responsible for:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the person who announced his visit only as the policeman and not as an equal human being who is only temporary acting in a role of a policeman. I realise that I was the one who actually violated natural human rights of the human who came to me by not treating him as equal being. I commit myself to when and as a human comes to me and introduces themselves as a representative of certain organisation and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh wow, this human has special right and powers and I must submit to him!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with them with awareness that all beings are one and equal as life and that we do only express ourselves though different body interfaces and play certain roles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no difference between the functioning of police in the United States and here in Slovenia. I realise that despite there are some general legal overlays that consider each country on this world equally, there are considerable differences about the legal system and functioning of the police in Slovenia. I commit myself to when and as I meet the policeman in Slovenia and my mind goes: “Remember the videos about how nasty police in the US treat the people so you have to equally be afraid of the police in Slovenia!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with the Slovenian police not just with understanding that they are much less aggressive than in US but to also understand that they are humans like me and want to be equally treated with respect and kindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a good person that has done nothing wrong and that I must not be approached with any allegations. I realise that despite of someone doing only good to others and treating them as one and equal, they can still be attacked and accused by others due to different fears, misunderstandings, unclarity, caution and projection of past experiences. I commit myself to when and as someone is treating me as a suspect of doing something wrong and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I feel deeply insulted for someone even thinking that I am capable of harming others since I am the guy who does nothing but good to others!” to stop and breathe. I then continue to listen what the accusation are calmly and explain my perspective without taking it personally and understanding that until others will also not take full responsibility for their participation in the mind, I will still have to face the consequences of their points of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my responsibility is only to work on transforming my own mind patterns and after that my work is done and I can enjoy life in peace and happiness. I realise that this this is not true because we are all one and in this together and that no one is free unless we all are free. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone where I see that they are struggling with their mind patterns and I get thoughts like: “This is their own problem and I must not assist them but only leave them alone to face themselves!” to stop and breathe. I then support them the same as I have been supported by others in order to give forward what I have received within patience and persistence until all beings will transform their mind patterns to the level where we all will be able to live in harmony and abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in massive thinking about all possible sorts of scenarios of how the meeting with someone could look like immediately after someone announces that they want to meet with me. I realise that it is futile to think about how some event will look like in the future because such thinking is only separating me from what is currently here and is not assisting me in any way possible. I commit myself to when and as someone schedules a meeting with me and my mind starts to create all sort of imaginations about how the meeting might look like and what the results might be to stop and breathe. I then while waiting for the time of the meeting focus on being productive with what is here and prepare practically for that meeting and nothing more. The fact is that many scheduled meetings even do not take place since something can change and any meeting can thus be delayed or canceled even just a few minutes before the scheduled time of the meting.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working Through Your Blame from the Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.