Day 141: Cold Feet Symptoms, Causes and Treatments

This is my 5th consecutive blog post about cold feed or cold legs symptom that I have been experiencing for about last 10 years. I will be here showing you a way of treatment that addresses the root psychological or spiritual cause as the accumulated traumatic memories from the past. For you to understand the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my four related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs, (2) Home remedy for cold feet, (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet and (4) Why are my legs always freezing cold. In this blog post I will be walking the next major memory imprint that attributed for me to lose my footing and grounding which manifested my cold feed. The event is me not being accepted to the graphic design middle school that I applied for and thus decided to rather attend machine engineer middle school where I experienced many traumatic experiences as described in my previous blog post. So instead of walking the next event in the timeline I am here taking one step back since I feel that this event is also very much related to me becoming disappointed about my life and creating a personality of suppression.

When I had to decide what middle school to enrol in, my primary option was the Design & Photography Middle School in Ljubljana city. Soon after I applied, I received a notice from that school that they received much more applications than there were available seats. I had to take qualification test which I to my great disappointment failed to pass. I was faced with decision if I am to wait for one year and try applying again at the same school or to immediately start studying at any other middle school where they had enough seats and I would be thus accepted without having to take any qualification tests. I think it was my parents to finally convinced me that enrolling into Mechanical Engineer class at Jesenice Middle School would be the best option since it is also a kind of design process which includes a lot of drawing. It seems to also be a good decision since my father couple of years ago started with our family business where we started to produce metal constructions for industrial air purification systems and other small products from metal for the Jesenice Steel Factory where most of the people who lived in the city were employed from.

Being turned down at design school was very depressing for me since I considered it as an escape from my parents who started to suppress me more and more. I was not allowed to go out in the evenings or at weekends and I was constantly needed to assist others in our metal shop. I did not like the smell and feel of the metal since there was a lot of dust and paint vapours that were created in the manufacturing process and the materials were very cold. I had no opportunity to express myself creatively during the production process and there were constantly short deadlines so I had a very little free time. Consequently I was not able to develop my drawing and design skills so that I would have a chance when competing with other kids who also applied for design school. Many had much better background since at least one of the parents was professional painter, designer, architect or photographer and my parents were none of such kind. I had to teach myself how to draw and paint without and family assistance and support. Deeply inside me I felt that this was the correct profession for me.

Several years after my father stated with metal related family business, he once visited innovation fair in United States as representative of Jesenice Steel Factory and decided to import computer controlled self-adhesive foil sign-making machine. I was very excited about that and during my middle school I started to experiment with this revolutionary technology that almost totally replaced manual sign-writing profession. This was a kind of graphic design process however instead of drawing with hands, I used computer, software and the mouse that very limited my creative expression and also influenced my mind in becoming very restless and stressed. Due to international recession in metal industry that soon followed, my parents decided to completely transform our family business and we completely switched to sign-making and screen-printing services. Since my parents knew nothing about computers and graphics, my brother and I became the main producers and my parents managed the business from perspective of providing clients, materials and performing accounting. However even here I was not able to express myself creatively since my father did not understand design and cherished only the speed of sign-making and screen-printing.

Such environment created big frustration within me, I started to loose my mind and had to visit psychologist for the first time in my life. When I met my first girlfriend we decided to move together to an apartment quite far away from our family business in order to escape from the tyranny of my father. But he continued to press on me that resulted in breakup of my girlfriend and me couple of years later. I then decided to completely stop working for my father and work only as graphic design and photography freelancer. That finally enabled me freedom of creative expression and I enjoyed it very much. However I still used only computer tools for creative process and was not comfortable with hand-drawing. Internally I felt restless, my mind pressed me and also due to incredible shock when my girlfriend decided to break up with me, my passion switched from creating designs to discovering how human mind works and what is the meaning of life. Even though I still enjoy graphic design to this very day, I feel that I am lacking the basics of colour and design theory and core drawing skills that prevent me from excelling as a graphic designer. Thus I am thinking about how completely different my life would be if I would be accepted into design school in distant Ljubljana city where I would be safe from oppression of my father, probably also prevented from being bullied from classmates and definitely immensely supported in developing my deep design passion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to compromise myself by taking the easy way and decided to study machine engineering instead of persisting and making sure that I study what I actually want. I realise that there are always the quick and the right options in life. Our minds tend to prefer shortcuts that create undesired consequences and time-loops while if we listen to ourselves/being the path might be longer and more challenging but also more fulfilling and satisfying. I commit myself whenever I find myself at the juncture where there are two or more option and my mind produces thoughts like: “Take the easy and fast way since why waste time and suffer!” to stop and breathe. At such moments I rather look within myself and see what I truly want and move towards that that goal no matter how long it will take and what obstacles I will have to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to blame my parent for influencing my decision about what middle school to attend instead of realising that at the end it was me and no one else who made the final decision about that. I realise that my parents tried to be responsible and did consider all the options that they saw however since I was not passionate enough about attending design school, they directed me towards decision that they considered to be best for me and at the same time also best for the future projected family business. I commit myself to when and as I am in conversation with someone about what direction to move myself considering the mutual plans and my mind produces thoughts like: “Your personal desires do not really matter since it is more important to fit in and do what others want from you.” to stop and breathe. I then communicate clearly and directly about what I feel is my life vision and mission with others and stand firmly on my principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret about me not immediately deciding to study at design school, believing that it would save me many years of troubles and assisting me in developing myself into much better and satisfied graphic designer. I realise that my imagination about how my life path would be and what experiences I would have if I would take middle school for design might be very different from what they would actually be. While design school should be supportive to develop design skills, I might still be experiencing there influences from authoritative teachers and bullies since no school is perfect and all in a way limit self in regards to full self-expression. When and as I look back to my options that I decided not to take in the past and my mind produces imagination about how my life would look like if I would take those paths, I stop and breathe. I then rather consider my current options and learn from actual past experiences to make better decisions that would compromise me as little as possible, where I would be able to express myself fully and where I would at the same time also be able to support all life as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he best way to lear something is to enrol in some public school instead of realising that most public schools are based on the military way of disciplining and shaping of individual into obedient follower. I realise that best way to excel in something is to learn from the masters as apprentice and from their books and courses where they have shared their knowledge and realisations. When and as I want to learn something and my mind is telling me: “Look for the closest public school or university and apply there since you will get a certificate of completion that will enable you to get a good paying job very fast.” I stop and breathe. Within realisation that quality of public schooling is very low, diplomas do these days not mean much, permanent employments are thing of the past, I rather decide to be self-taught and study from many better and easier available sources of knowledge that would enable me to excel in my profession and thus enable me to take care for myself much more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my core passion is becoming a designer and that this is what I absolutely must focus to develop myself towards in my current life. I realise that definition of a designer is very limiting and that I as a living being have many more potentials to express myself and to perform much more tasks that to only do graphic designs. I must consider that my desire to become a designer could not actually be my life mission but only a preprogrammed idea based on how I have been influenced by my parents and environment that they have created for me where creating with Lego bricks was for example one of things that I was given the opportunity to play with. When and as someone asks me what my life passion is and my mind would serve me a thought like: “Tell them that you are a graphic designer!” to stop and breathe. I then rather expand and explain what are all the things that I am interested in and how actually I am not limiting myself to any specific profession since I want to express myself in a myriad of different ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to resent public schooling system and teachers for influencing me in a way where I feel that I have been abused, limited and suppressed. I realise that also the public schooling system has many historical influences from governments to ideologies and individuals. People who become teachers have different starting points and abilities and combining all together, each class, school and national education system is a bit different and provides different experience to an individual pupil. When and as I think about my educational experiences and my mind produces thoughts like: “Those nasty teachers have abused and harmed me thus I have the right to hate them!” to stop and breathe. I then put myself in the shoes of every teacher that I have met and see that I would probably act no different that they had. So instead of wasting time by thinking about the past and feeling sorry for what I have become, I rather bring myself back here into reality and see how I can invest time into perfecting myself since this is where I have the power of making any real change.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled The Natural Learning Ability from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 140: Why are my legs always freezing cold

Are you always having freezing cold legs? Well so do I and if you want to discover true root cause for cold feet symptom, you have came to the right place. However I will be not talking about temporary solutions to cold legs like warm baths, but psychological cause that resulted in physical energy flow in the leg meridians to become blocked. So we are talking here about cutting edge holistic medicine approach. I will be in this blog post walking the first step of the second traumatic experience that contributed to my cold legs syndrome. For you to understand the full context of this process, I invite you to firstly read my first three related blog posts titled (1) The cause for cold legs, (2) Home remedy for cold feet and (3) Solution for perpetually cold feet. While in the previous posts I have walked the point of being painfully punished by my father in my early childhood, I will be focusing here on the second consecutive memory of past event in my life which is being bullied by classmates during the first year of middle school.

During kindergarten and 8 years of primary school I do not recall any traumatic experiences of me being bullied. My however case is special in terms of me changing primary school every 2 years due to capacity, logistics and practical reason that resulted in me not being able to create deep relationships with my classmates. The only bad thing that I remember about primary school is that there were regular physical fighting among pupils that sometimes resulted even in broken arm or leg. But when I started to attend Jesenice middle school where I enrolled for the 4 year Mechanical Engineer study programme, I decided to sit in the first row in order to see and hear better, also due to loosing my hearing ability on my left ear. First annoyance that I remember is that some of my classmates from the rows behind me were constantly throwing balls of paper and also gum into my hair. Some even came to my desk and stole calculator or a pen and teacher did nothing to solve this problem. We were simply too big class of over 30 restless pupils with one teacher who did not know hot to handle it. I also had a classmate that was sitting at the same table with me on my right side who constantly teased me and sought my attention until one day he deliberately smashed my pen and I decided that this is enough. We agreed to meet after class in the park in order to have a fight. It was my first fist fight ever and in spite him claiming that he was skilled in boxing, I managed to win the fight and after that we strangely became best friends. Also at gym class I was pushed and pressed by some classmates who were in the hockey team and had need to prove that they were better than others. Such disturbance created big stress in my life and my grades were at the end of school year so bad that I had to take the same year again.

All described events however did not attack any specific detail of my physical body, only my personality as a whole. But there were also two of my classmates who started to pick on my lips. I never had any thought that there is something unusual about how I look until they started to make fun of me due to my lips that supposedly were bigger than normal. I felt embarrassed and did not know how to respond. I did then decided to pick one of the bullies back and started to make fun of his protruding ears which was effective self-defence since he then stopped bullying me. I did to some level felt that bullies are picking others due to their low self-esteem and and simply picked some detail about others that they were able to target. But there was one event in the public bus for my daily commute where one little girl accompanied by her mother asked me: “Why are your lips so big?“. That created a backchat in my mind like: “Kids are pure and if they notice something than it must be true that my lips definitely are too big! So also my classmates were right! Oh no, my lips are too big! What should I do now?”. From that moment on I wrapped myself with even deeper feeling of shame and I just wanted to hide myself somewhere so that no one else would ever notice that my lips are too big. I was even wondering that if me being a caucasian race had some African ancestor since they have especially big lips.

Later in life I had a girlfriend who was madly in love with me and she even admired my lips. To that moment I never imagined that big lips could be even an advantage. And I also was attracted to some movie actress who had full sensual lips. Well if one looks at it with practical perspective, fuller lips can be even more sexy than slim lips since they have more soft flesh and kissing someone with big lips should be more enjoyable. They act as a buffer when kissing in order for couple not to smash agains hard teeth of each other. There was also some lady who observed me from a distance when I was outside enjoying the sun and she complemented how beautiful my smile is. In the past years I improved my self-esteem significantly and from initially being extremely camera shy, I am now able to give a speech to big crowds without any much problem. I do like how my head looks like from the front, but I do not like my profile very much. Instead of the chiselled features, by head has more soft features, especially under my chin. I remember my mother explaining that I developed some struma or goitre due to some nutrient deficiency in my childhood. Thus when I see pictures or video recording of me form some public event that someone took from the side, I criticise my looks and feel unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to understand that if someone judges the way I look, it is not about me but about their accepted and allowed ideals about how humans should look like. I realise that people, including me, are under deep influence of the media and entertainment industry where in the fashion magazines and movies, models and actors have been selected with a very specific looks and then even photoshopped afterwards in order to create ideals of perfection that can never be achieved in reality. I commit myself to when and as my looks are judged by others, and my mind goes: “Oh no, something is wrong with me since how others see me must be correct.” to stop an breathe. I keep my awareness that whatever others think that I should look like is their projected ideal that they personally have created in their minds so they are the ones who have the responsibility to take such projection back to self and to accept everyone else as the way they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a young child is saying something to me than it must be true since children are pure and innocent and can not lie. I realise that children in fact do ask due to ignorance and can find some parts of someone's body unusual, but they do not say it from the starting point of spite but due to pure curiosity. I commit myself to when and as some child is asking me about certain aspect of my looks and I get thoughts like: “They are judging me and not accepting me the way I look, thus I must be ashamed about my looks.” to stop such thoughts by focusing on my breath. I simply explain to them that people look different and that our physical bodies are results of genetics without allowing any thought to create assumption that they are being biased.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a specific design of the body is necessary in order for one to fully accepts itself and achieve highest self-esteem. I realise that many others who have even been born without legs or feet or have a specific facial feature have achieved complete self-confidence and that it is not about how one looks like but about accepting your looks regardless of your body design. I commit myself to when and I observe myself in the mirror or on the photos and videos and my mind produces thoughts like: “Look how your head looks different comparing to the movie start and models. You will never be accepted by other looking like that!” to stop such comparison by returning focus back on my breath. I observe images of my physical body by fully accepting the way I look without allowing any movement in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only observe and compare my looks to looks of certain celebrities and not seeing how people in my close surrounding have different shapes and sizes of their bodies. I realise that I might have been incarnated in any of the body of humans that exist on this planet which look very different and many of them have big disabilities that I have never even imagined of having them. I commit myself to when and as I walk down the street and my mind goes: “Look at that perfect guy on that billboard advertising men's fashion and how his body looks different to me.” to stop such thoughts by breathing. I then rather observe other real people around me, how their bodies, heads and faces look different from each other and realising that variety and diversity of looks is actually what makes humans interesting to observe and enables us to visually distinguish and recognise each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that people get bullied not because of how they look but because they emanate low self-esteem and thus are attracting bullies that target individuals with low self-esteem in order to mask their own self-esteem. I realise that regardless of how someone looks, they will always be attacked and bullied by those who do not accept themselves and project envy and hate towards others. I commit myself to when and as I meet someone who points out something about my looks and I start to think: “What about if what they think is true and I must change myself in order for others to accept me fully.” to stop and breathe. I assist that guy by reflecting his projection back to him and assisting him in understanding why they developed such ideals and releasing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that people who very much fit current media ideals of beauty are never bullied and criticised, are always accepted by others and have no relationship problems in their lives. I realise that such people also have their specific challenges like thinking that people like them only because how they look and that others consider them only stupid puppets. And that there is also a big competition in beauty and fashion industry that creates bullies and rivalry that can develop in massive obsession like very nicely portrayed in the movie The Neon Demon. When and as I see someone who fits ideals of beauty and I start to think like: “Good for them, they have a perfect life thanks to their looks.” to stop such thinking by breathing. I accept them as one and equal with understanding that many of them may struggle with fears of loosing good looks and suffer from bulimia and anorexia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give a very important meaning to a single opinion expressed by others, regardless if I received praise or criticism. I realise that automatically attaching weight to perspective of others is allowing others to influence my perception of how I see myself and thus compromising myself. I commit myself to when and as someone says something about me and I think: “What they say about me is what I truly am.” to stop and breathe. I listen to opinions of other and understand that most of what others say is projection of their own mind patterns where they do not consider others as one en equal and just want to say something to fit in and survive in the best way they are able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a shameful character after some people have criticised the way I look. I realise that whenever I act emotionally to what others say about me, I harm myself. I commit myself to when and as someone criticises me, and I go like: “I am being attacked and must hide and protect myself by lots of emotional energy that would separate me from current reality.” to stop and breathe. Within realisation that emotional energy can always be only temporary escape since it diminishes sooner or later, I rather face with the one who is criticising me with full awareness that I am a physical being and can not be harmed by any word.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-assisting tools within DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled A Victim of Bullies from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answer to any imaginable question about life and this existence.