Day 160: Worrying during work tasks

Not so long ago I join a international NGO that needed a logo for their new brand. Initially I became part of their internal graphic design team where each of us contributed with our logo design suggestions. After a while the organisation management got tired of waiting for us to come with a acceptable logo and decided to outsource it to one of popular international design contesting websites. Each of internal designers got payed in our cryptocurrency but of course not as much as the designer that eventually won the contest. When the head of NGO then provided us with the source file of the selected new logo, I noticed that it was not in expected vector format that can be infinitely scaled but only a bitmap file in medium resolution, usable only for website and small printed publication. I volunteered to take over the task of vectorisation since I worked in pre-press for over 10 years and converting images from pixels to vector lines is what I am very skilled at.

During the process of vectorisation I had a massive backchat about many things. Firstly I was dissatisfied with the NGO leadership that did even not educate themselves about how final logo format should be before they organised the design contest. Then I was disappointed about my logo not being selected despite of me being very professional in terms of making sure that it would be scalable, applicable and easily reproducible. I was unhappy about spending so much money on designer who was so unprofessional that he or she did not provide the logo in clean vector shape.

After I continued with inspecting the source file of the logo I noticed that the elements that were to represent a plant were so unnatural that people would notice and criticise it when the logo would be reproduced on some larger canvas. I started to wonder if I should take the initiative and do the corrections that I considered to be in the best interest of the organisation or if I should stick strictly to the original shape. Of course I could send such questions to the NGO leaders but they were very busy and had quite long response time. And many projects were stalled and could not move on before the logo was prepared so there was also a time pressure. 

What I was asking myself during the vectorisation process was if my work will be accepted, recognised and rewarded or if it will be criticised and refused. So I was quite worried about many things and I felt confused and anxious. I was also not sure about what is the procedure to become clear about the things that I wanted answer to since I was not clear about the roles in the NGO or who would be the most appropriate person to query. I wanted to do a good job however all the thinking created a depressed feeling and heaviness around my eyes.

I started to wonder why I am having so much trouble with such a relatively simple task while some individuals in the organisation seem to deal with their task very easily. Then I finally realised that I remembered how my father constantly pushed and criticised me while I was working in his family visual communications company. I was the only one using the computer to scan the logos from the flyers or business cards that clients delivered and I had to vectorise them very accurately and as fast as possible.

The next step of my responsibilities was to engage in the pre-press, do colour separation and films for the screen-printing department that my younger brother was in charge of. And if I made a single mistake, which I occasionally did, but it was discovered only after several hundred pieces of deliverables were printed, it resulted in quite some material damage and massive anger that was clearly expressed by my brother and my father. So during my design and pre-process I was in constant fear of later being emotionally attacked and blamed for damages.

Despite my brother taking over our family business about 17 years ago, me not working there anymore and moving to different part of our country, I still occasionally do some design work for my father using Skype and screen sharing. Lately we go along quite fine but occasionally he still comes with his pattern of getting inpatient and emotions of anger that trigger unpleasant feelings within me. And I am getting so much tired of living in constant expectation when he will call me next and fearing that after I do something for him he will be unsatisfied with my work.

Such experiences engrained and rooted deeply into my body to the level where they influence also myself in unpleasant way when I am working for any other client or do other work that can even not involve computers at all. So I am now going to apply the tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitments in order to shatter crystallised patterns that limit my self-expression and creative potentials:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid about what others will think about the results of my work. I realise that despite my work is a sort of extension and a part of me, the feedback given by others is often influenced by their projections and different kind of reasoning. When and as someone criticise my work and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, they do not like me as a being.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to in such cases breathe effectively, listen to the feedback within emotional stability and see if I can improve the result of my work so that it will serve end users as best as possible in a practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured when engaging in a creative design process since it takes quite some time and inspiration to come with a good and fresh idea and then to also manifest it in a tangible form. I realise that despite of being pressured and not allowed enough time to creatively express during the period of me being employed by my father I am now my own boss and am able to take as much time as needed for me to be completely satisfied with the result. When and as I start with creative design process and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Time is money so you must hurry or the client will have to pay you much more money than needed.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find clients who value high quality design and are also willing to pay fair price for it so that I can focus on being creative without any kind of unnecessary pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed in cases when I do not know who in organisation that I collaborate with is responsible for what. I realise that the only solution for something that I am not clear about is to ask questions and get answers no matter how long it takes for me to be completely clear about whatever I need to know in order to move forward. When and as I am unclear about something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, I will now have to spend time to write the questions and wait for the answers and thus the work will have to wait.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to be aware that being clear about things is the most important in life and that I am diligent in making all the necessary questions and be patient at receiving the answers. And during the time while I wait for a needed answer for me to be able to move on with a project, there are always many other tasks that I can do, especially perfecting myself by writing mind constructs like in this blog post.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Worry Wart from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 159: Emotional dependency

I did not write into my blog for the last several weeks because there have been a lot of disturbing physical movements around the place where I live. Firstly the flatmate that lived in the room next to mine has moved out with his girlfriend to their own apartment. All the related activities that included total renovation of their previous room where I also assisted greatly took a lot of my time and attention. And then a young couple that lived in the apartment next to mined moved to that room. Again I also assisted them with cleaning and renovating of the room where their previously lived and with moving to the new room. New flatmates brought a completely new relationship dynamic to my life due to their specific personality and my relationship with them that formed within the last 3 years of living together as close neighbours.

The girl who moved to the room next to mine was going to a very emotional period and her experience while she was growing up with her parents shaped her into someone who craves for attention and is not able to sleep alone. Meaning that whenever her boyfriend would go away for two or more days, she would ask one of the neighbours if she can sleep in the same room or even the same bed with them despite of she being already 30 years old. In recent weeks, especially after they moved to my apartment, I was her favourite pick to spend the night together. To be clear, such kind of socialising was from her perspective not to be sexual in any way despite of also desiring hugging occasionally. We spent many hours, especially in the late evenings, talking about her emotional dependency and how strong she is missing her boyfriend at times when he is out for several days. But then she also started to share with me how they almost broke up a month ago since her boyfriend is becoming tired of her emotional outbursts and how he plans to be away even more frequently end for even longer periods of time.

They have been together for around 4 years and slowly it started to show that they have very different needs and future life agendas. Their relationship challenges now escalated to such extend that her boyfriend definitely decided to break up with her and move out of our shared apartment. Initially he wanted to move out already a week ago however he later changed his mind and decided to stay for another month. During that time he was firstly away for 5 days, now he is back for 2 days and then he will be again be gone for 10 days. While he was gone his ex-girlfriend became quite attached to me and she started to consider me as her new boyfriend. However whenever her ex-boyfriend returns she becomes extremely divided because she still loves him so much and would like to be with him indefinitely. Recent time period has thus for me been a very turbulent since I have been witnessing a lot of extreme emotional drama including crying, craving, jealousy, blaming, becoming angry and even physical violence by that girl.

Such events were also very challenging for me since I needed to decide how and to what extend shall I get involved in assisting the girl especially from perspective of becoming one end equal with her and supporting her with becoming less emotionally dependent and more self-reliant. Also I am now facing a decision whether become her boyfriend or not. This is where it is currently a bit hard to say now because I will be the closest person and her best friend to socialise with especially after her boyfriend will move out and I also like her a lot. It is in a way funny how life brings very similar kind of girls who are very emotionally unstable and need a lot of support to me. I have been already in couple of such relationships lasting around 3 years and it looks like a new one is about to start. With the difference of course that I am now more mature and skilled in understanding and responding to the minds of others and am also equipped with tools to support myself and fellow beings more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of possible relationship with a very emotional girl due to prediction that our relationship will end in the same way as my previous relationships did and that I am thus wasting my time with her. This is due to my accepted and allowed belief that in my age of 43 it is about time to find some emotionally stable girl that I will have kids with who will grow up into great leaders and contribute to bettering of this world extensively. I realise that life does not necessary need to be about raising best kids and expecting them to become the change in this world and that I am already able to change myself and massively contribute to global society regardless of what kind of relationship I am in or if I will have my own children or not. When and as I am evaluating a potential partner and my mind goes like: “I must check the level of her emotional stability and accept her as my life partner only if she proves that she is stable enough.” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to assist myself and others to become more emotionally stable in every single moment of my life according to my capacity and ability of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I engage in another relationship with a very emotional girl me and my projects will become compromised due to constant clinging and need for attention from such girl. I realise that in any given moment I am able to respond to current situation and protect myself and my interest to the level where I can feel comfortable. When and as I am becoming close to an emotional girl and my mind creates imagination of the future where I live in a suffocating relationship with such girl, I stop and breathe. Within the realisation that I am able to break any kind of relationship at any time, I continue living as an example of solution in terms of emotionally stable guy who is able to respond to any life challenge with confidence and self-assurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a peaceful, stress-free life where I will be able to enjoy only the best of what this world has to offer. I realise that within the realisation that each of us is responsible for the current situation on this world, this is not the time where one can afford to ignore all the current suffering in existence, nor can anyone deny the fact that we are one and interconnected anymore. When and as I am picking direction of movement in my life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Decide for an easy path of tranquility and abundance and avoid any kind of stress.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to firstly focus on the process of self-perfection and at the same time to find best position in the global society where I can create the biggest leverage as possible to equally assist also others at the process of releasing ourselves from alternative energetic realities of the mind and starting to live responsibly as one and equal in this universal physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Dependency from the Relationship Success Support series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.