Day 120: Undecided due to unknown future

Several days ago I decided to start a new online project that I expect to become an additional source of income since I would be offering services that anyone can order online from anywhere in the world and I would also deliver the final product electronically. But then I started to wonder if it would be wise to create another project since that would divide my attention ever further. Also there is some competition in the targeted field and I am not sure if it would be worth the effort.

Recently I decided to move to another apartment and I picked preferred region, however moving would again mean a lot of stress and costs. I want to sell the stock of my goods that were left from the online store and I organized an auction but no from the companies that I invited to participate bided yet. So I plan to call them on monday and urge them. Basically I will have to come up with some money in order to organize the move and also to pay some bills.

But what possessed me lately was the urge to find some compatible life partner. So I reengaged in online social and dating sites and started to connect with some people. It would be cool if I would find soon some partner which I could collaborate on the projects with and I already have one date in couple of days. There sure is a possibility that I would connect with someone very quick and maybe also move to her apartment or move together to some new location. So I am opened for any opportunity and am not fixed on moving to any particular location.

Since anything can happen in next several days I am also procrastinating with developing the new project and searching appropriate new place to move to. Also I am waiting for the confirmation of the new legal entity that I filed documents for one week ago. When the papers will be received, I would be able to move very fast in direction of developing current projects. And almost any day I also connect with a new potential business partner globally so the opportunities and potentials are wast.

All this makes me hard to decide which point to prioritize and in which direction to move. I slip into state of mind where I just want to fast forward the time and research the new potentials. However since I can not speed up time, I make myself busy by surfing the web, watching movies, hiking and other stuff. I am aware that I could use the time to do all sorts of useful things, but I am so restless inside that I want to distract myself and just kill the time.

I feel confident that everything will turn out just right and that whatever will happen could be turned around somehow and make something that would enable me to move on towards my goals. I do not allow myself to experience fear or anxiety. I know that I will be able to make it regardless of what will happen. I have always had a lot of ideas and I made good use of them. I know that even if I loose everything, I can simply connect with other people, share my concerns and desires and they will assist me. I have even made peace with the death already so basically nothing is able to frighten me.

Writing all this down, I see that I just needed to sort out my thought and that I am fully capable of moving myself towards my goals. After I finish this post, I will clean the kitchen and work on the new project. Writing really assists and it is cool that I have started to use this tool to support myself.

Day 119: Moving again

It has not been even five months yet since I moved to current small studio apartment and I have made a decision to move again. It was relatively nice to live here in the neighborhood of medium to high class people on the suburb of capital city Ljubljana with nature and hills nearby. However some points started to accumulate that resulted in decision to place myself in a new environment again.

The apartment was quite practical due to being very narrow and long, allowing me to have the business office in front and kitchen way back which was very nice for my business needs. However shortly after I moved in I noticed that roof was leaking, the internet connection was slow, the lighting was poor, especially in the kitchen and bathroom, and now I also got the information that the ceiling has poor thermal isolation and that in the cold winter it is freezing inside in spite of heating being turned on fully.

Then also the landlord who is older woman lives just next door, meaning that I need to pass right her doors and porch in order to enter my apartment which is not very convenient. Firstly I expected that I will be in very good relationship with the landlord since she also studied spiritual books very intensely, however in time it turned out that she is not really very open-minded but part of a certain international spiritual group with such philosophy that prevents her to act grounded and consider this physical reality as something that has to be considered as primary point.

And the third reason why I am to move out is that I initially thought that living in the capital city will enable my business and non-profit projects to manifest faster, however it turned out that in the big cities, people are generally very nervous, full of fear, pressured with high rent prices and lack of time so it is not ideal place where my plans could be achieved effectively. I got information recently that it is generally best for any sales, especially if they are school and education related, to work outside big cities, especially in the northeast part of our country.

So while being born and living most of my life in northwest part of Slovenia and for the past four years living in the center of the country, I plan now to experience also life in the northeast region. I see this as kind of adventure and opportunity to gather more life experiences by meeting new people there. Also a lot of good friends live now in the surrounding of my future planned place of permanent residence so there will be many benefits.

Day 118: Zombification

I heard the word zombification firstly in audio interview about child education. When a child has accumulated a lot of information, it can not process it in real time and is enters a stage where it stares with a jaw dropped. The body stays still and it looks like a zombie, thus the zombification. I had a neighbor whose child went zombie very frequent, also at events where he was in danger to become hurt or even killed. However the parents nor doctors did not understand the cause of this and treated him only with pills.

Lately I also find myself in a very strange mode of the mind. When I finish all the important daily errands, I enter a state where I do not feel like doing anything. However since I do not want to be in that kind of state, I then do something just for the case of doing. This usually means using the computer for activities like browsing the web, checking email and social networks and watching movies. I kinda want to do something for so long until I would become again motivated enough for doing something important.

When I watch movies I notice that there is lot of drama and emotions involved and that actors frequently express anger or passion or other strong emotion. They act from the point of attachment to the past memories and not wanting to let it go. But I see myself like someone who is not attached on anything on this world and has accepted death as something inevitable. In some strange sort of way I already see myself dead thus I have nothing to loose and also no real fear about anything.

This kind of perception is in a way beneficial since it brings me a peace of mind, however it also renders me to become very passive from time to time, not wanting to do anything particular. So I must then do something to regain motivation and move myself into action. Sometimes also a quick nap or a meditation assists me in digest all the impulses and to come with and idea for the next step. Also writing a blog like this one is very helpful to materialize your thought and thus easily see and understand what is going on within you.

Basically I am quite satisfied with myself and making best use of my available time. However I tend to forget what all I have achieved today and in the past days. Sometimes it feels like I have done nothing, however that is not true. So it is important to acknowledge to myself what all I have achieved in oder to become satisfied with myself knowing that I am in fact moving effectively. It is so strange that it is best to track your progress graphically in oder to understand the score. However I see that this is a must if I want to effectively motivate myself and realize what I have achieved.