Day 191: I can no longer count on my father helping me

The new measures that I implemented in recent weeks, as described in my previous blog post, assisted me in calming down my heart area. Since I stopped spending many hours online following coronavirus related to mainstream and alternative news and long videos about all the possible background happenings, my mental state became sufficiently stable. I now have a routine of checking emails and social media messages only twice per day and I read national media news articles once per day, just to be properly informed about the economic and social changes in our country. I do daily planning of my activities and then I execute them one after another without any deviation. That assisted me in becoming very motivated to wake up in the morning, knowing that I have enough work for more than the whole day. And I get satisfaction from ticking off the tasks that I completed and reviewing the list of all completed daily achievements before I go to sleep. However, I noticed also one relapse that I see connected to a fear point due to some other new situation.

That new situation is the realization that my father is currently not able to assist me financially wise. In the last several years, I have been with approximately constant quantity doing some graphic design and administrative work every single month. And usually, he has been paying me for my executed work pretty regularly every single month. In February 2020 I worked especially a lot for him and I have been looking forward to the earned money. However, that is also the months when our government started to implement the lockdown and his clients did not pay him for the services that he charged. Consequently the following month he was not able to pay me. However, I then also assisted him by preparing the application for the extended financial limit on his bank account. I assumed that he will also pay for what he owns me when the bank will grant him the limit. So I waited and waited and then I called him to check the state of the application. I was quite shocked to hear from him that the bank approved the limit however he already spent all the money on his personal needs like extending the registration of the car and similar.

My father liked to play the character of a savior and has effectively assisted me a couple of times when I was in financial troubles. He is very ingenious and innovative however it looks that the current situation was also too much for him to handle since it is a massive global event that changed the situation in basically all the people on this planet. I often considered how I am relying on him saving me every time I am in trouble and how I also still was playing the polarity character of a victim just to keep some relationship with him as my father. And I often wished for some event to happen so that I could have a good reason to break this attachment to him and become more self-reliant. And now it seems that this global shutdown is exactly what I wished for and I actually am now very focused on developing my own Life Coaching business services that should generate sufficient source of income for me in order not to have to rely on my father anymore.

So I had been pushing my business point forward however I do not find it so easy. The most challenging point for me currently is getting clients. I have been studying any ways of how to get them and have invested many days of researching and testing methods and apps for booking and customer relationship management. I have thousand of contact in my address book, thousand of Facebook friends, and thousands of LinkedIn connections that I am able to use to get for marketing. The challenge is how to merge all the contacts to have a complete overview of all my previous communication with any of my contacts and how to systematically follow-up with each of them without anyone falling out of the sales funnel and to avoid any embarrassment due to forgetting any of my past communication with any of them. So far I could not find and CRM that is able to amalgamate all these sources of information and it seems that I will have to develop some kind of CRM system on my own. And then there are all sorts of decisions I have to make like assessing who would be most prospective contacts and to sort them for the purpose of sequential drill-down.

But the most disturbing thing for me currently is that I have not been able to pay for my rent for the past two months. The rent is being collected in cash by the son of the landlord that also lives in my apartment building. I am meeting him several times per month since he often works in his shed fixing his bikes and experimenting with housing construction using natural materials. Last month when I was not able to pay for the rent the son of the landlord expressed quite a lot of anger about being late with the rent because his father also urgently needed money. I felt very uncomfortable because of that and went into fear. I asked for government support in regards to the rent and I was approved however only for one month and I expect to get the money only the next month. So when the son of the landlord called me if he can visit me to collect the rent for this month I again went in fear about him becoming angry again. Luckily he comprehended the situation and he also showed no signs of resentment while I have been meeting him at the backyard where he has been doing extensive cleaning of the clutter from the attic.

The relapse that is probably connected with all this additional fear of survival manifested as problems with skin cracks between my toes, especially on my right foot. It seems that the circulation and energy flow through my legs again decreased to an insufficient level. I took care to walk a lot barefoot through each day and I even started to do barefoot hiking to the nearby mountain each weekend however it looks like that was not enough. So I decided for additional support in the form of toe socks which I already wore in the past. I ordered a dozen of such cheap socks from China and a couple of more expensive socks from local online stores that would get me through until the overseas shipment arrives. It is not a permanent solution however toe socks effectively prevent shin of the toes to press on each other the moisture between toes to accumulate there. I figured out that my week leg circulation is mostly genetic due to inherited fear patterns from my father. And my job has been mostly related to working with a desktop computer in a sitting position on a chair or with a laptop computer in a lotus sitting position on my bed with my legs crossed. So I do generally do a lot of mental intellectual work where my legs are still and I can not move them a lot. However, I have a plan for my Life Coaching services to be executed also in a standing position or while I walk around my office or even at the nearby path along the bank of Drava river.

I just heard today that the lockdown is slowly being lifter in our country. From today we are able to freely travel to other municipalities without going through the checkpoints with a special permit on their borders and also libraries and schools will start to open gradually with the beginning of the next week. Hopefully, also other businesses will start to be opened again and the financial transfers will get back to normal soon. I heard some predictions that the global economic situation will become even worse due to plans to completely collapse the current fiat financial system in order to then implement a completely new one that will be much better for all being on this planet. So let's see what will actually happen.

And here are some related suggested supportive audios from the Eqafe webstore with basically Every Question Answered For Everyone:

Why Fear Feels Different to Different People
Money Fears
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
The Design of Fear of Loss
In Fear of the Future
Adaptation and Survival
Internal & External Process

Day 190: Trying to be prepared for what could happen in the future

In the last couple of days, I noticed how I have become increasingly anxious. This has been reflecting in the form of frequent heath arrhythmia and stronger tremors in the area around my heart. I had difficulties with relaxing enough to fall asleep in the evening and even though the day I occasionally had pressing episodes where my breathing became more difficult. Yesterday while I was sitting in the backyard garden and had a vegetable salat in the sun I felt like my heart was slowly giving up and I got scared about dying soon. I called a doctor on the phone and based on my answers to her questions she concluded that my heart is just fine and what I am experiencing is mind-related. Then I also borrowed a blood pressure measuring device from one of my neighbors. The results showed that my blood pressure and pulse are normal. That assisted to calm myself down pretty much, however, I realized that I need to take additional measures to protect myself from too much stress.

During the coronavirus lockdown, I took a lot of care to handle the situation in a calm and peaceful way, paying attention to not overwhelm myself. I did physical exercises in the morning, took regular 1-hour daily walks, stocked myself with food and continued to work from my home. When I noticed the anomalies in regards to my heart I concluded that daily routine was not enough to ground me sufficiently so I went for a longer and more strenuous hike. I noticed that it assisted me a lot so I repeated it a week later and I decided to do it also on each of the following weekends. Additional measures were cutting down the time spent on social media, removing myself from online dating websites and focusing on my personal needs. I restarted to use the Nirvana app that is a companion software of the Getting Things Done methodology that I discovered years ago by reading a book about it. While in the previous months I did moderate planning of my activities, I have now with that app collected and organized all the projects, tasks and reoccurring events. It now helps me to avoid procrastination and laziness and it assists me in being much more productive each day so I am now much more satisfied with myself.

The following are the related statements of self-forgiveness, realizations, and commitments that I learned to apply at the free online self-perfection course Desteni I Process Lite and I suggest you to also try it out to assist with directing yourself effectively:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the discoverer and sharer of the deepest life secrets. I realize that while digging for and forwarding shocking information made me feel good and useful to others, I lack within that to find a way to monetize it and to provide a stable source of income for my basic needs. I commit myself to when and as I look at my passions to ask myself about the core reasons for doing that and to then look at how I can turn it into a business or or doing it as a hobby while providing myself an additional source of income to at least cover all of my monthly expenses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can protect myself from all negative influences the most by researching how things in this world work which means spending a lot of time watching all the available documentaries about secret societies, financial and legal system and every interesting fact that I stumble upon. I realize that there are a lot of contradictive theories that are all very concerning and absorbing all this information has created many fears and insecurities within me. Thus I commit myself to only occasionally follow the sources of information that proved so far to be the most reliable and are in a form that takes as little time as possible from me to digest the infromation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that possession of a large quantity of information is the best way to protect myself from all the possible harm. I realize that while the expected result would have to be in me becoming more self-confident, the accumulation of information actually made my mind even more restless and every situation that I found myself in triggered a lot of thoughts about all kind of possible reasons why I am experiencing something and made me confused about how to respond to situations that I am facing in real-time. I commit myself instead of creating assumptions based on accumulated knowledge to rather ask people that I am meeting about what is their reason for doing something. And to also ask other people in the actual situations that I find myself in about what is the nature of any manifestation in my physical proximity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my stability on the information that I gathered in the past instead of realizing that any information that I possess can become outdated and that it could also be false in the first place. I commit myself to when and as I am facing a situation in my life and my mind is trying to assist me by fetching all kinds of supposedly related information that I integrated in the past or trying to associate the current event with any of my past experiences, to stop and breathe. I then rather face every single situation as something completely new and not even slightly related to anything that I know about or have experienced in the past by doing real-time research based on what I can verify by tangible evidence at this present moment.

And here are some additional suggested educational audios to listen from the Eqafe website with Every Question Answered for Everyone:

Hidden in Secrets
Secrecy
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Secret Information
Technology Brainwashing & Body Influence
Self-Image and Fear of Others
Living Fear
Mental Hoarder