Showing posts with label business shutdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business shutdown. Show all posts

18 May 2020

Day 192: My greatest fears

Within one of the recent chats of our Desteni support group for self-perfection, we were discussing how to face the emotional challenges related to the Coronavirus or Covid-19 global shutdown. It became clear that what the majority of people are afraid of the most is not becoming infected with the virus and becoming sick but something else. One of the biggest fears, in general, is, of course, dying however since the death statistics were not as bad as presented in public media, that was not the main issue. The main problems that people saw were related to a lack of food that could cause starvation and as it was also evident from popular memes, the biggest fear was lack of toilet paper, lol. Except that in Slovenia the product that people have purchased the most was actually the yeast. I am now also going to look at what my biggest fears for me personally are in relation to the recent global situation.




So as I wrote in my previous blog post, the biggest change for me was that the source of income from my father that I have been relying on was gone and thus I was not able to pay for the rent anymore. However, in relation to that, the actual fear was that the landlord would lash out on me with anger and thus disturb my inner peace with a projection of his emotional energy. Or maybe he would even demand that I move out of my current apartment. And this situation was also related to my feeling of shame and discomfort since several years ago I was also not able to pay for the rent for several consecutive months. I still owe him that money and occasionally the landlord still brings this point up and I feel uncomfortable about that. In a way, I did pay him for that missing rent however it was in the form of alternative digital currency that was expected to become convertible to fiat currencies very soon however that did not happen to this day. So regardless of him having the funds on his account he, equally like me, is not able to use it in a practical way. And also a girlfriend of the landlord that lives nearby has several months ago made an attempt to convince the landlord to make me move out due to her predictions that I will not be able to pay for the rent due to her false perception that my monthly income was far less than it actually was. Thus I am also uncomfortable that her predictions became true although the actual cause now is something very different and also she could not predict that. I have read that currently, one-third of the people in the United States can no longer afford to pay for the rent so knowing that I am not the only one with such a challenge does assist me a bit. And what I see is that beneath this feeling of shame and discomfort there is my old main pattern of fearing to be judged by others and not wanting to display any of my mistakes publicly. My father at the end of each year has been proudly announcing to the world that he is completely debt-free and I also wish to be able to say that however in recent years I was not able to do that.

What is also related to the lack of money is my dependency on social support money for the past several years that is also something that I am not proud of. Because of that my father is seeing me as a looser and has shamed me many times and I do not want to experience that ever again. However, I am not so much concerned about what my father says since I have realized that he is speaking from his own insecurities about himself that he compensates with a craving for attention from other people and the need to be recognized in public as a good person. And I also do not want money to be the main focus in my life since it is just an arbitrary means of exchange in ways that are hard to wrap the head around it. Some people are allowed to create money out of thin air in abundance while others are not allowed that and are even prevented to get it enough to support themself with it properly. Besides that, there are constant periodic financial crises that create worldwide depressions. So regardless of how much money someone has, it can all be taken away in a moment by some completely unexpected event. Consequently, I also do not want to be attached to money while I actually have always been able to find ways to have my basic needs met. And I am researching options and development of global events that have the potential to turn the money into something more stable and fair.

The next point that is also related to money and survival is the vaccination agenda and 5G network. I watched many documentaries that explain how the existence of coronavirus has been deliberately blown out of proportions in order to enforce mandatory vaccination. And that many of the cases where people got sick or even died were connected to the rollout of the 5G network that influenced the human body in a negative way. Then also how if we allow the vaccination agenda and further implementation of 5G, each of us could become controllable and enslaved even more. Or also prevented from accessing your own bank account and food if not complying with the controllers. And how the 5G has been weaponized and can be used to target groups or individuals to disable their body functions or even kill them. Also, we could see how in a relatively short amount of time governments have taken legal measures and public media has focused on spreading mostly negative news that resulted in people's movement becoming restrained and their sources of income diminished, in some cases to zero. So the underlying fear in regards to this point is about the same scenario to be repeated in the future even faster and with even stronger negative consequences for me and others.

Besides initial ranting and raving I now also going to assist myself with the writing of some self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that I learned at the free online course DIP Lite that I also recommend to others:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that due to the current state of almost all people in the world being connected via the internet and making friendships on social networks with thousands of individuals from all over the planet, we now comprehend how similar and interdependent we are and thus we will not turn against each other ever again. I realize that while there exist technical potentials to increase the speed of self-realization, the actual process of real inner transformation takes many years of diligent work and many are still in the beginning stages of this process. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “I can now relax and have complete trust in the future of peace, happiness, and abundance.” to stop and breathe. I then rather keep myself open to any kind of event that might happen at any time and rely on my ability that I will always be able to find a solution to any challenge that I face in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone controlling me as something bad and unacceptable due to my perception that I am free, that I need to stay free, and that anything that will limit my freedom has to be opposed with maximum force. I realize that each of us is already living within many physical, mental and spiritual limitations and that sense or state of freedom is relative and can be practically lived only with consideration of the outflow consequences of acts of every single individual in existence since we all share one existence and every action has its consequence. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Every restriction enforced by others onto me is wrong and I will fight it and protect my current freedom!“ to stop and breathe. I then rather take time to see why the certain new limitation has been established, if it is for the long-term benefit of most living beings and to see how many freedoms I still have that allow me to move, create, express and to provide for my basic needs of survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the character of a victim due to all the physical, mental and spiritual limitations that I currently experience and that since I am not able to be aware of all the existence and control every detail of it I demand to be taken care of by someone who has more control since I am entitled to be so. I realize that while I am experiencing certain limitations I also have many options to overcome them and expand myself which would be a much better use of time and my potentials than not moving and staying in a state of self-pity. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are so small, weak and insignificant so you have the right to be taken care of.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write down all my weaknesses and the options for becoming stronger in those areas and move effectively every single moment in order to become more able and respond to everything that I am facing in my life.

In regards to this blog post, I also suggest listening to these supportive audios from the Eqafe website where Every Question is Answered for Everyone:

The Unpredictability of Life
Who's Responsible for the Enslavement of Mankind
How I Justified taking Control of Existence
Justifying Control on the Premise of Unity
When the Creators Lost Control
My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak
Unpredictability of Consciousness
Money Consuming our Minds
Master of War
Everything Must Be Just So
What Is Inner Control
Freedom of Expression
What Does it Mean to Redefine Freedom
Practicality within Redefining Freedom

30 April 2020

Day 191: I can no longer count on my father helping me

The new measures that I implemented in recent weeks, as described in my previous blog post, assisted me in calming down my heart area. Since I stopped spending many hours online following coronavirus related to mainstream and alternative news and long videos about all the possible background happenings, my mental state became sufficiently stable. I now have a routine of checking emails and social media messages only twice per day and I read national media news articles once per day, just to be properly informed about the economic and social changes in our country. I do daily planning of my activities and then I execute them one after another without any deviation. That assisted me in becoming very motivated to wake up in the morning, knowing that I have enough work for more than the whole day. And I get satisfaction from ticking off the tasks that I completed and reviewing the list of all completed daily achievements before I go to sleep. However, I noticed also one relapse that I see connected to a fear point due to some other new situation.




That new situation is the realization that my father is currently not able to assist me financially wise. In the last several years, I have been with approximately constant quantity doing some graphic design and administrative work every single month. And usually, he has been paying me for my executed work pretty regularly every single month. In February 2020 I worked especially a lot for him and I have been looking forward to the earned money. However, that is also the months when our government started to implement the lockdown and his clients did not pay him for the services that he charged. Consequently the following month he was not able to pay me. However, I then also assisted him by preparing the application for the extended financial limit on his bank account. I assumed that he will also pay for what he owns me when the bank will grant him the limit. So I waited and waited and then I called him to check the state of the application. I was quite shocked to hear from him that the bank approved the limit however he already spent all the money on his personal needs like extending the registration of the car and similar.

My father liked to play the character of a savior and has effectively assisted me a couple of times when I was in financial troubles. He is very ingenious and innovative however it looks that the current situation was also too much for him to handle since it is a massive global event that changed the situation in basically all the people on this planet. I often considered how I am relying on him saving me every time I am in trouble and how I also still was playing the polarity character of a victim just to keep some relationship with him as my father. And I often wished for some event to happen so that I could have a good reason to break this attachment to him and become more self-reliant. And now it seems that this global shutdown is exactly what I wished for and I actually am now very focused on developing my own Life Coaching business services that should generate sufficient source of income for me in order not to have to rely on my father anymore.

So I had been pushing my business point forward however I do not find it so easy. The most challenging point for me currently is getting clients. I have been studying any ways of how to get them and have invested many days of researching and testing methods and apps for booking and customer relationship management. I have thousand of contact in my address book, thousand of Facebook friends, and thousands of LinkedIn connections that I am able to use to get for marketing. The challenge is how to merge all the contacts to have a complete overview of all my previous communication with any of my contacts and how to systematically follow-up with each of them without anyone falling out of the sales funnel and to avoid any embarrassment due to forgetting any of my past communication with any of them. So far I could not find and CRM that is able to amalgamate all these sources of information and it seems that I will have to develop some kind of CRM system on my own. And then there are all sorts of decisions I have to make like assessing who would be most prospective contacts and to sort them for the purpose of sequential drill-down.

But the most disturbing thing for me currently is that I have not been able to pay for my rent for the past two months. The rent is being collected in cash by the son of the landlord that also lives in my apartment building. I am meeting him several times per month since he often works in his shed fixing his bikes and experimenting with housing construction using natural materials. Last month when I was not able to pay for the rent the son of the landlord expressed quite a lot of anger about being late with the rent because his father also urgently needed money. I felt very uncomfortable because of that and went into fear. I asked for government support in regards to the rent and I was approved however only for one month and I expect to get the money only the next month. So when the son of the landlord called me if he can visit me to collect the rent for this month I again went in fear about him becoming angry again. Luckily he comprehended the situation and he also showed no signs of resentment while I have been meeting him at the backyard where he has been doing extensive cleaning of the clutter from the attic.

The relapse that is probably connected with all this additional fear of survival manifested as problems with skin cracks between my toes, especially on my right foot. It seems that the circulation and energy flow through my legs again decreased to an insufficient level. I took care to walk a lot barefoot through each day and I even started to do barefoot hiking to the nearby mountain each weekend however it looks like that was not enough. So I decided for additional support in the form of toe socks which I already wore in the past. I ordered a dozen of such cheap socks from China and a couple of more expensive socks from local online stores that would get me through until the overseas shipment arrives. It is not a permanent solution however toe socks effectively prevent shin of the toes to press on each other the moisture between toes to accumulate there. I figured out that my week leg circulation is mostly genetic due to inherited fear patterns from my father. And my job has been mostly related to working with a desktop computer in a sitting position on a chair or with a laptop computer in a lotus sitting position on my bed with my legs crossed. So I do generally do a lot of mental intellectual work where my legs are still and I can not move them a lot. However, I have a plan for my Life Coaching services to be executed also in a standing position or while I walk around my office or even at the nearby path along the bank of Drava river.

I just heard today that the lockdown is slowly being lifter in our country. From today we are able to freely travel to other municipalities without going through the checkpoints with a special permit on their borders and also libraries and schools will start to open gradually with the beginning of the next week. Hopefully, also other businesses will start to be opened again and the financial transfers will get back to normal soon. I heard some predictions that the global economic situation will become even worse due to plans to completely collapse the current fiat financial system in order to then implement a completely new one that will be much better for all being on this planet. So let's see what will actually happen.

And here are some related suggested supportive audios from the Eqafe webstore with basically Every Question Answered For Everyone:

Why Fear Feels Different to Different People
Money Fears
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
The Design of Fear of Loss
In Fear of the Future
Adaptation and Survival
Internal & External Process