18 May 2020

Day 192: My greatest fears

Within one of the recent chats of our Desteni support group for self-perfection, we were discussing how to face the emotional challenges related to the Coronavirus or Covid-19 global shutdown. It became clear that what the majority of people are afraid of the most is not becoming infected with the virus and becoming sick but something else. One of the biggest fears, in general, is, of course, dying however since the death statistics were not as bad as presented in public media, that was not the main issue. The main problems that people saw were related to a lack of food that could cause starvation and as it was also evident from popular memes, the biggest fear was lack of toilet paper, lol. Except that in Slovenia the product that people have purchased the most was actually the yeast. I am now also going to look at what my biggest fears for me personally are in relation to the recent global situation.

So as I wrote in my previous blog post, the biggest change for me was that the source of income from my father that I have been relying on was gone and thus I was not able to pay for the rent anymore. However, in relation to that, the actual fear was that the landlord would lash out on me with anger and thus disturb my inner peace with a projection of his emotional energy. Or maybe he would even demand that I move out of my current apartment. And this situation was also related to my feeling of shame and discomfort since several years ago I was also not able to pay for the rent for several consecutive months. I still owe him that money and occasionally the landlord still brings this point up and I feel uncomfortable about that. In a way, I did pay him for that missing rent however it was in the form of alternative digital currency that was expected to become convertible to fiat currencies very soon however that did not happen to this day. So regardless of him having the funds on his account he, equally like me, is not able to use it in a practical way. And also a girlfriend of the landlord that lives nearby has several months ago made an attempt to convince the landlord to make me move out due to her predictions that I will not be able to pay for the rent due to her false perception that my monthly income was far less than it actually was. Thus I am also uncomfortable that her predictions became true although the actual cause now is something very different and also she could not predict that. I have read that currently, one-third of the people in the United States can no longer afford to pay for the rent so knowing that I am not the only one with such a challenge does assist me a bit. And what I see is that beneath this feeling of shame and discomfort there is my old main pattern of fearing to be judged by others and not wanting to display any of my mistakes publicly. My father at the end of each year has been proudly announcing to the world that he is completely debt-free and I also wish to be able to say that however in recent years I was not able to do that.

What is also related to the lack of money is my dependency on social support money for the past several years that is also something that I am not proud of. Because of that my father is seeing me as a looser and has shamed me many times and I do not want to experience that ever again. However, I am not so much concerned about what my father says since I have realized that he is speaking from his own insecurities about himself that he compensates with a craving for attention from other people and the need to be recognized in public as a good person. And I also do not want money to be the main focus in my life since it is just an arbitrary means of exchange in ways that are hard to wrap the head around it. Some people are allowed to create money out of thin air in abundance while others are not allowed that and are even prevented to get it enough to support themself with it properly. Besides that, there are constant periodic financial crises that create worldwide depressions. So regardless of how much money someone has, it can all be taken away in a moment by some completely unexpected event. Consequently, I also do not want to be attached to money while I actually have always been able to find ways to have my basic needs met. And I am researching options and development of global events that have the potential to turn the money into something more stable and fair.

The next point that is also related to money and survival is the vaccination agenda and 5G network. I watched many documentaries that explain how the existence of coronavirus has been deliberately blown out of proportions in order to enforce mandatory vaccination. And that many of the cases where people got sick or even died were connected to the rollout of the 5G network that influenced the human body in a negative way. Then also how if we allow the vaccination agenda and further implementation of 5G, each of us could become controllable and enslaved even more. Or also prevented from accessing your own bank account and food if not complying with the controllers. And how the 5G has been weaponized and can be used to target groups or individuals to disable their body functions or even kill them. Also, we could see how in a relatively short amount of time governments have taken legal measures and public media has focused on spreading mostly negative news that resulted in people's movement becoming restrained and their sources of income diminished, in some cases to zero. So the underlying fear in regards to this point is about the same scenario to be repeated in the future even faster and with even stronger negative consequences for me and others.

Besides initial ranting and raving I now also going to assist myself with the writing of some self-forgiveness and self-correction statements that I learned at the free online course DIP Lite that I also recommend to others:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that due to the current state of almost all people in the world being connected via the internet and making friendships on social networks with thousands of individuals from all over the planet, we now comprehend how similar and interdependent we are and thus we will not turn against each other ever again. I realize that while there exist technical potentials to increase the speed of self-realization, the actual process of real inner transformation takes many years of diligent work and many are still in the beginning stages of this process. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “I can now relax and have complete trust in the future of peace, happiness, and abundance.” to stop and breathe. I then rather keep myself open to any kind of event that might happen at any time and rely on my ability that I will always be able to find a solution to any challenge that I face in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone controlling me as something bad and unacceptable due to my perception that I am free, that I need to stay free, and that anything that will limit my freedom has to be opposed with maximum force. I realize that each of us is already living within many physical, mental and spiritual limitations and that sense or state of freedom is relative and can be practically lived only with consideration of the outflow consequences of acts of every single individual in existence since we all share one existence and every action has its consequence. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Every restriction enforced by others onto me is wrong and I will fight it and protect my current freedom!“ to stop and breathe. I then rather take time to see why the certain new limitation has been established, if it is for the long-term benefit of most living beings and to see how many freedoms I still have that allow me to move, create, express and to provide for my basic needs of survival.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the character of a victim due to all the physical, mental and spiritual limitations that I currently experience and that since I am not able to be aware of all the existence and control every detail of it I demand to be taken care of by someone who has more control since I am entitled to be so. I realize that while I am experiencing certain limitations I also have many options to overcome them and expand myself which would be a much better use of time and my potentials than not moving and staying in a state of self-pity. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are so small, weak and insignificant so you have the right to be taken care of.” to stop and breathe. I then rather write down all my weaknesses and the options for becoming stronger in those areas and move effectively every single moment in order to become more able and respond to everything that I am facing in my life.

In regards to this blog post, I also suggest listening to these supportive audios from the Eqafe website where Every Question is Answered for Everyone:

The Unpredictability of Life
Who's Responsible for the Enslavement of Mankind
How I Justified taking Control of Existence
Justifying Control on the Premise of Unity
When the Creators Lost Control
My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak
Unpredictability of Consciousness
Money Consuming our Minds
Master of War
Everything Must Be Just So
What Is Inner Control
Freedom of Expression
What Does it Mean to Redefine Freedom
Practicality within Redefining Freedom

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