Day 203: When nobody is looking

Currently, I struggle with motivating myself to do some tasks that I determined would be the best use of my current position and potentials and would contribute greatly to creating a world that is best for all. The tasks where I do not experience much of resistance is investing up to two hours of my time each day in the morning to work on perfecting my vocabulary. And 6 days ago I also added the task of reading aloud one post from the blog of Bernard Poolman from the oldest post onward. That is of course additionally to my other tasks of morning routine like drinking herbal tea with zeolite, speaking gratitude statements, and doing the Five Tibetan Rites before I have my fruit salat for the breakfast. However, when I proceed to do my business-related tasks I find myself in the difficulty of focused and consistent movements.

I have a long list of things that I plan to do business-wise in my Nirvana productivity app. But when I look at the list, I already face the challenge of deciding what to do next. I noticed that the sole fact that I manage my task on the computer is already something that creates a specific feeling of intangibility and indefiniteness. I have been using computers as my main tool for decades. And I like it from the perspective that I can store and retrieve extremely vast quantity of information and share it with others all over the globe. However, it also makes me less grounded and is attracting my curiosity to research all the available information that I have access to by using it. I am currently observing my level of addiction to using social media and watching videos and I am not happy about my current state in regards to that. I am looking into how to ground myself more and one way is to work using analog tools. I have purchased a set of new notebooks that I am using now to place my thoughts onto paper with a pen. So far I have been writing my process blog post exclusively in a digital format to an online blog like this one. And now I plan to do additional and preliminary writings also to my paper notebook.

I learned that there is a big difference between writing by hand and typing words using a keyboard. Specific neural pathways are supposed to be formed and information imprinted strongly into the brain when writing with a pen to paper. This is because a more complex and natural movement of hand and fingers is being used where the hand is pulling a pen in all sorts of directions with different speed and pressure. Typing words on a computer is far less expressive since one has to target and hit a specific key with a specific finger with the same force in order to type the words. The keyboard is a superior writing interface to a pen and creates more discomfort and anxiety. Yet the downside of writing by hand is that information can not be copied, backed up, stored, retrieved, and shared so quickly and easily and it consumes physical space. Nowadays hybrid options are available like touch screens that enable handwriting with a stylus, digital paper pads, and electronic pens that record handwriting on paper and convert it into a digital form for conversion into typed text. I will be experimenting with these options in order to see what works best for me.

Besides the challenges of using specific tools for my work, there is an even deeper layer of contributing factors that slows down my movement. It is about my primary self-definition, my life purpose, and the personality character that I have developed into. I feel deep shame for functioning as someone who is addicted to impressing and shocking others by sharing secret and advanced information while not actually integrating it to the level of full comprehension. I feel so stupid because I am listening, watching, and reading so much of different information yet I am incapable of uttering it to others in a way for them to comprehend me. And I find my reactions of envy and spite towards others evil to the point of not deserving to live. I have been so defined by relationships to others in a negative way that I am finding it hard to function on my own, motivate myself, and be sincerely driven by the principle of what is best for all life. What also needs to change is my relationship to the money and to create stability in using all possible means of exchange.

In general, I see that the development of digital technologies has contributed to me becoming more restless and my mind stimulated since it is basically its external manifestation. Being used to others telling me what to do or not do, I lost my will and courage to express myself creatively. While currently reading a book by a Slovenian author with the criticism of the public educational system, I have realized that I have not been suppressed only by my family environment but also by having to endure the torture of forced schooling. And now with global plandemic terrorism, the challenges that we face have become even greater. After watching some documentaries recently about the development of robots, artificial intelligence, and deep fake technologies, I am a bit concerned about what the future will bring. There are new threats emerging along with the progress of technology and it is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize and neutralize them. So it also I question how much time per day to spend with learning about the increasingly complex and fast-moving global society and how to successfully and in time adapt to it in order to survive.

Since I live and work alone in my apartment I am from time to time wondering what to do in order to be more motivated to do things that I find tiresome. But when considering the options of getting a cat, a girlfriend, or a co-worker, I also see the downsides of someone being with me in my apartment. While someone else would add to the dynamic of my relationships, they would also make it more complex and disturbing. Recently I have been experimenting with accountability partners where I asked some of my peers to meet me online in order to support each other with doing what each of us wants to do. That did give me more confidence however it also added to the complexity of my work environment. I started to ask myself how much if at all I require some outside stimulation to move me into executing what my business goals are. The conclusion has been that ultimately it would be best for myself to develop the ability of consistent self-movement and to use the tools of writing to remove all the limitations that prevent me from becoming someone like that.

All that I need to do is to continue releasing myself from the attachment to positive and negative energies of the mind. That translates to end seeking any kind of outside validation of what I am and doing and to genuinely do what is best for all life, even when nobody is looking. I need to develop pristine self-expression and take proper care of all aspects of my private and business life. I have to increase my focus, ground myself more, and restrain myself from all kinds of selfish temptations inwards and outwards that consume my precious life potential.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Lethargy: Introduction
Lethargy: Domino Effect
Lethargy: A Physical Experience
Lethargy: The Gifts Within
Lethargy: Looking Ahead
Lethargy: Self Forgiveness
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Lethargy
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness
Empowering Yourself Instead of Depending on Others

Day 132: Demolition of the invisible wall

Lately I have been bumping into invisible wall. I am not referring to a vertical structure that prevents me from accessing a specific location, but a mental wall, composed of a thoughts and emotions that prevents me from performing specific tasks that are needed in order to achieve certain business goals. These tasks are part of a direct sales activities and are such as generating leads, making phone calls, scheduling meetings, executing presentations, making sales, asking for referrals and following up. All these are simple physical activities that do not require big muscles, however they are strongly related to mental activities. Thus my challenge is to penetrate the invisible wall in my mind.

I have been engaging in many different sales activities in the past and I have been one of the most successful salesman, earning high commissions. So what has changed, what is now the difference? Well firstly the media is full of information about financial crisis. There are constantly reports about how government is facing a money deficit, how cuts and savings are necessary, how even banks do not have enough money, so constantly the media programming about how there is not enough money for even the basic needs of the people, let alone to be able to afford more valuable product like I am currently selling. Consequently my mind if producing thoughts that there is no point of even trying to make any sales since no one will buy as there is not enough money.

Secondly as one of the most prominent patterns is my accepted and allowed character that I play within relationship with my father. He wanted for others to consider him as a loving father that takes care for the basic needs of the family and protects his children from all the evil of this world. Thus me and my brother were not allowed to go out in the evenings and at weekends in order not to make friends with peers that possess bad habits and consequently start indulging in drugs and alcohol. And then he also started with family business where I have been executing work task on the computer as I have been instructed by him. So my life survival tactics have been developed in form of a person who is quiet, waits for instructions of others and then the money comes automatically and mysteriously as the reward for doing what I was told to.

The third thing is that I am selling a new product with high value that requires a lot of sales steps and managing a lot of information. Previously I did a small orders for just few clients and when there would be no orders, I would take break for several hours or even several days. I started to enjoy such free time where no one demanded nothing from me. Now I am developing a much larger business with network of hundred of salesman and many thousand clients that will need to be managed basically for all my life. This requires a robust information management system and a constant overview and situational awareness of all the business points in any time in order for the business to develop properly. So comparing to my previous life style, the new business venture looks like a suicide mission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as character of obedient and humble person that waits for the orders from my father and immediately executes any given task and then stops moving after the task is completed. I realize that while I am still doing some tasks for my father and he is still consequently assisting me financially, such relationship is not supportive for my life and prevents me from acting as independent person and manifesting my own projects. I commit myself to live my own life as my father does not exist anymore and as he does not support me financially anymore and to generate my own sources of income by building my own business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the media news about the financial crisis and lack of money. I realize that media is focused on the shocking negative perspectives of society in order to generate attention and also to infuse fear into the public since the media owners have their own agenda that is not for the benefit of all. I commit myself to when engaging in sales activities to proceed with sales steps without any imagination about how much money the person that I am contacting currently possesses. My mind is not able to know the financial situation of any person before I actually ask them and receive a reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by managing a large organization one will have less free time to relax and do fun things. I realize that any owner of a business is able to hire professional managers that can run the organization effectively and thus creating a lot of free time for the owners. I commit myself to when and as my mind would enter a state of overwhelmingness to breathe, slow down, assist myself with writing and move forward with digestible steps. There will always be ways to solve any problem if one moves with the speed of the physical breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to use the tool of speaking and writing whenever I bump into the invisible wall of my mind. I realize that the mind will constantly create new walls in order to prevent me from moving forward and that they will not disappear on their own in time, but will exist and persist until I face them meticulously and deconstruct them brick by brick, thought by thought until the mind runs out of bricks and then only will I be free to move anywhere without any limitations.

Day 73: Overcoming mind energetics

Since I moved in the new apartment and am again living single, some old patterns reappeared that sabotage my life and lower my success in achieving desired goals. I experience resistance to learning, I lack of self-discipline and I indulge in watching movies and also temptations of masturbating while watching port are becoming more and more seductive.

For example I have errands to do and then I start to think about everything that I would have to go through in order to accomplish them. I imagine things that I will have to do but I do do not like them very much and thus my mind becomes cloudy and I experience tiredness and sleepiness. However instead of focusing or resting in order to clarify things, I usually decide to watch some YouTube video. Sometimes this could be bunch of short funny videos or even movies that are about 2 ours long.

When watching movies I have a bad feeling due to thinking that I am vasting my time however I also feel good due to nice pictures, scenes, drama and action in the movies. It is my way of running from the reality, of reseting, however I understand that this is not the solution. Usually after finishing watching some cool movie, I again become sad that the movie already ended so I immediately pick another one and watch it until I feel satisfies enough and it is so late that I feel very bad and I finally decide to go to sleep.

Also since I moved I did not continue to read any book. I feel that reading books is too boring comparing to watching movies. There is no color, no movement and no sounds when reading a book and it is also annoying since the letters are so small and I have to turn pages. However I am learning that reading is essential for self-empowerment and self-realization. Leader are always readers. So if I want to achieve my goals, I will have to change my habits extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about things that might happen in the future if I decide for certain project or job instead of breathing effectively, staying here and moving step by step and allowing myself the opportunity to see what will actually happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when I experience tiredness to start watching movies or even masturbate instead of calming down, resting and focusing and then continue with thing that I have planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop reading instead of realizing that reading each day and expanding my vocabulary each day is very important for creating a habit of self-education and enlarging my ability to focus that will result in being more successful in all areas of my life.

Day 71: Resistance to learning by hearth

I am taking a class where we are to learn some text by hearth. Firstly we are to learn some key phrases and then we learn some expanded text as addition to the key phrases. As long as I remembers, I have had a resistance to learning by hearth, especially numbers, like years and dates or PIN codes. It is not that I did not find myself incapable of remembering information but I lacked the motivation to remember.

For example at history class we were to remember a lot of year and dates in relation to some major world events. The resistance to learning such information was there since firstly I was not given any example how memorizing this kind of information will benefit my life and how I would be practically be able to use this information in my future years of life, and secondly because I was aware that basically everything that is taught in schools is a lie as the history is written by winners in wars, thus it shows only limited perspective on what happend and the whole school curriculum is used to create certain mentality of the citizens so that they are in sort of hypnosis, not being aware and thus also not caring about what currently exists in this world.

So now I am studying information that is from more reliable source and is in best interest of all the humanity but I still have this resistance and lack of motivation. The first fact that creates resistance in me is that we are learning information in English but later I will be mostly or only be using this information in our national Slovenian language. Thus I will have to then firstly translate the texts and then learn the Slovenian text by hearth. I don't know if I will later even again be practically using the English memorized information in real life so I find it kind a waste of time to lear it in English. 

The second point is that we are to learn and memorize text by hearth where every single word is very specific and important. I always had a resistance towards memorizing information by hearth, like poems in the primary school and mathematical equations and it was also due to lack of motivation. And generally, as many other peers experience, I had problems with learning due to ineffective schooling system where there were too much children in one class, the method of teaching was ineffective and we were all terrorized and threatened with low grades and punishments, so the whole schooling experience was very unpleasant and stressful.

Where I now have to learn new information, the learning environment is much more kind and supportive, however there is still a time pressure, conditioning and money pressure. It would be cool to learn if there would be no deadline and if I would live in a system where my survival would be unconditionally guaranteed. However I am taking this class due to money motivation and fear motivation and my success in the class will also result in my succes of being able to earn money and thus guarantee my survival in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my past experiences of schooling to influence my new experience of learning instead of effectively breathing, staying here, focusing on the material and integrating it successfully. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be angry at class organizers who demand from me to learn information in English and not my local Slovenian language, instead of realizing that at this stage the learning of the knowledge involves participants from all parts of the world who also have different native languages and we all have to use the most used language which is English in order to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to loose motivation to learn the information in English due to believing that I will not be able to apply it in my everyday life, instead of realizing that also if I learn something in foreign language, I can explain and translate information to anybody in real time and that learning this way is the only way where I can be supported and given experience of structured learning that I will then be able to share with others in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear that I will in the future forget the information that I will be spending hours to learn and that there must be more effective way of use of my time, instead of trusting myself and pushing through the resistance as I am at this time not able to motivate and direct myself effectively.

Day 67: Uncertainty about the future

Days from 64 to 66 are in my Slovenian blog.

I planned to go around my new neighborhood in these days in order to know the people who live here and to introduce myself and my new services. I prepared a brochure with different sorts of services that I would offer, from babysitting, teaching computer skills, English language, to graphic and web design services all the way to trimming bushes and cleaning suages. But then I started to doubting about the impression that I would make and if it would not be best if I reduce the services to similar types and not be to vague. Also the rainy storms are appearing and this also prevented me to go around and nock on the doors of the neighbors.

Someone called me two days ago and expressed the interest to buy one of my computers that I am selling online. If I would make a sale in monday as predicted, I would get enough money to pay the rent in time and this possibility removed the worry about where I would come with enough money. However now I am worried if the person would loose interes and change his mind and then I would be in trouble. So until Monday I would not know for sure how things will develop.

Then on the Monday evening also some training starts and will be ongoing for several days thus I do not want to fill my schedule too much since I want to reserve enough time for learning. Thus I now decided to finish some additional ads for the stuff and stock that I want to sell. However I am not very fun of searching all the invoices and extracting the purchased price in order to set the sales price. I am not excited at all and feel very heavy and sleepy. This could also be the influence of the weather. Thus I occasionally escape by watching movies.

Well, I do make some progress, slowly but surely and expect that everything will turn out just fine. I plan to discipline myself more, change my thinking and behavior patterns however I feel great resistance. I am breathing a lot, sorting out financial papers and building my new dream-board and action plan.

Day 38: Additional challenges in regards to the new job

This morning I also had a visitor to my office who very resonated with the projects and groups that I am involved with. He was very excited about all the potentials and wanted to know what is the next step. So I gave him some additional materials that he will be able to research. Then also I young boy returned some educational material that I lent to him a couple months ago and he said that the reason for the return delay was due to discovery of cancer at his family. Since he believed in the modern medicine I enlightened him about the lies, deceptions and the corruptions that is especially dominant in the pharmaceutical industry and suggested him to read the Natural Cures book. And the information that shocked me yesterday that our Slovenia country currently holds the world record in the level of corruption based on the research of Ernst & Young. However in spite of the extreme amount of the FaceBook post that criticize the elite who apparently completely robbed out our country, and talks about financial crisis, current level of unemployment is still only 12% and that means that 88% of people have jobs. So this is definitely a stimulating information that would motivate me in being more confident about my sales activities.

In spite of all my effort to clear all the accepted and allowed negative believes about how the world state is, about the lot of money being too much temptation for anyone to handle, it seems that the mental pressure accumulated in the middle of my spine and it gives me not yet painful, however unpleasant feeling that distracts my attention, especially when I go to bed. Today in the afternoon I finished some new promotional material and planned to go out and do some new house visits, however in spite of nice weather, I started to feel a little dizzy. I had to lay down into bed and rest. From time to time I also experience heart arrhythmia if I think about certain things. I guess I worry to much about how things could come out. In most cases I simply focus on my breath and forgive myself the thought and the pulse stabilizes. However today when lying in bed, I felt like the pressure would be to low and my hearth would stop beating. Maybe this is because sometimes I just want to give it all up. I ask myself why do I bother doing all this, is there really no life possible without worries. Can there really be no place on earth where people are nice, the food is in abundance, and all can simply enjoy and express themselves?

Yesterday I watched a documentary titled Slaves of Dubai that exposes terrible working conditions of about 2 million imported workers from India who were promised a good salary, however immediately after arrival to Dubai, their passports were taken, they now have to work in very harsh conditions for low salary and most of them have not been payed for several months. I also watched a few war movies in the past few days that made me think about how stupid we are since we have to fight each other. And today I watched a movie about the Canadian supersonic military jet Arrow that was terminated purely due the egotistic political interests. This movie made me think how big some are able to dream and how great thins are possible to achieve it he pople work together.

I went then out in late evening when it was already dark to run across city park and streets. I wanted to relieve the accumulated tension in my back. I was surprised about the quantity of young visitors in the park and then soon find out why since the music started to become louder and louder. There was some rock music band having a concert and thousands of people occupied the park. However I did not want this to distract me and continued with the running towards the city center.

So it is quite silly in some way observing my mental resistances. I could be very glad for all that I have received in my life. Some have nothing to eat and suffer pain, diseases and war. However some control multibillion projects and employ thousands of people. I am now to decide what I want out of my life. I want more, however I will have to change from within. I think that currently what stopps me from moving forward is my bad feeling about charging others. My believes that one has to work hard and suffer in order to get the money. My new business could bring me good money if I do the work correctly and I am in a way already lazy due to thinking that I will be able to earn a lot of money very easy. It is a moral thing where I ask myself what is fair and what not. Why can some have to suffer for a couple of dollars per day, and some can earn or win millions in no time? Where is justice, where is equality? Is it justifiable that those who do more responsible jobs are to earn more? Are those who have low income really fully responsible for their low income? I there a god who controls everything? Is there a law of karma, the low of attraction or creation? Breathe!

Day 37: Resistance to the new job finally overcamed

Today in the morning I had a meeting with a new interesting person who is also very in self-research and improvement. Two hours of conversation went by very quickly and I was to face again the next step of my sales activities. I was to restructure the presentation narrative and then also realign the presentation flip-chart graphics which I also did. I took me a lot of decision making how to design all the material for the best impact. In the afternoon when I was to go out and arrange in-house visits, the storm clouds accumulated and rain with thunder stoke from the skies.

At the same time as the storm raged, my mind lost its stability. A slight fear and dizziness appeared in my head and was disappointed due to estimation that I will not be able to execute the visits that I planned. I lied down on the bed and started to think about how long will it take me to even start the new job properly and when I would actually make the first sale. The whole process is takin so long, too long. I started to imagine how I will give myself another day to prepare myself even better for the presentation. I said to myself that tomorrow would be the day. However it turned out different.

After on hour of resting in the bed, my head became stable and the rain stopped. I still had about two or three hours left before in would become too late for the home visits. So I sad to myself that it would be the best to make some visits today and thus brake the ice even if I would achieve best results. Most important is to move forward and to gain as much practice as possible. So I dressed up, packed all the presentation and went on the road.

I targeted a small new neighborhood that I knew from before when I was searching for my own apartment in the town a year ago. I found the blocks very nice and expected a lot of young families to live there which is my target population. I started to ring the bells and made the talks. Many of them, about 70% were not even at home which is a usual percentage. I visited two blocks and then decided to stop for today. I did not manage to do any presentation, however I handed out couple of business cards and couple of people were willing to talk to me if I visit them at some other time which is also cool.

In the evening I had a chat with my mentor who evaluated my approach and corrected me for the better effect in the future. I realized how what I said created resistance in other people and what is best to be said in order to collect as much orders as possible. The main point in pre-presentation talks is not to give to much information, but just a little in order to create curiosity. I also met a girl who I found very attractive and now I am thinking if I should do anything to check if she is available and if I should try to  make a connection or if I should focus on business for now.

Anyway, I made progress and I am satisfied with my achievement. I will now push myself every day a step forward until I became excellent and very successful in sales. It is not just about money, what is cool about direct sales is that one develops communication skills and overcomes many fears and resistances that prevent oneself to fully express itself. Physically moving and making live conversation with others is an effective tool for self-realization. Thus I also suggest others to engage in sales activities and experience all the beneficial effects of direct marketing.

Day 34: Resistance to the new job activities

Days 31, 32 and 33 are in my Slovenian blog

My new job of selling a new product created more resistance than I imagined. While I have been working mostly from home in the past years, and customers would be mostly business people that found me on the internet and came to my office to place an order, I am facing the job now where I will have to go to the customers. And they are not the business people but families with kids and different professions.

I have a mentor who is supporting me in becoming a better salesman and from what he thought me, I realized that I will have to change extensively. Until now I did not have to make a lot of effort in order to get an order since I worked in graphic and web design and photography. The products were commonly known and from my past work references the customers knew what to expect from me. Now I am selling a new product that is a new technology and nothing that has ever existed before. And also the use of the product bring a spectacular results in terms of personal development and transformation of the society as a whole.

The first challenge for me as a salesmen is to test and use the product myself. There can not be a good salesmen that tries to sell the product that he is not using himself. One has to become convinced that the product is of high quality and is beneficial for the user. Since the product requires mind activity, I experience resistance due to my addiction of watching movies and am thus finding reading much less attractive. I will have to discipline myself firstly to star using the product myself and see the result of its use on myself and that will then enable me to become more enthusiastic about the product and will thus also be able to make more sales. At sales in fact you are never selling the product, but yourself.

The second point is that selling this new product requires me to develop new skills and totally change my mindset, develop my self-esteem and transform my attitude towards other people. Throughout past several years I have developed introverted personality with constant evaluation and judgement of others. I was directed by others and became used to wait for the orders. I was basically in a very passive mental mode. The new job requires me to become proactive, to come forward, to make connection with others, ask question and become genuine interested in what other want and need. It is so that certain product can only be sold if it fulfills the needs of others. Thus I have to learn what are the problems and challenges in the life of others and how the product that I represent could solve that problems.

The third challenge is the price of the product that I am selling. The product covers the user needs for several years and is thus a long-term investment. Due to its unique technology, the long-term savings and the incredible benefits of its use it requires from customer to come with quite a lot of money. This bring me even in the bigger mental pressure. I have to become absolutely sure for myself that the product is more that worth of that kind of investment and that it is a life-time opportunity where customer is to find a way of getting the money since it is for its own best interest.

And the last point is that the products comes with such a marketing plan that creates a very good money-making opportunity for me. Due to extensive amount of accepted and allowed limited and destructive believes in regards money, I have a challenge allowing to come such quantity of money in my life.  I have to become convinced that I am worth of receiving money and become rich. I definitely already know how to spend it so that quality of all life on earth will become better and I have to understand that I will not be able to achieve that without firstly allowing a lot of money to come to me and thus becoming very rich.

The most challenging from me is the need of creating a more pleasant personality. So from being a quiet introverted serious person who answers only when asked, I will have to become more relaxed, opened, initiative and happy person. The best effect in sales is made if you smile during the product presentation. And this is very difficult to me. I have become used of being secretive, flat-faced, judgmental and angry. Being happy and joyful is a whole new experience to me, like bringing the fish out of the water. So I must change my personality, my resonances or my water extensively. And this is why I experience such massive amount of resistance that I never imagined.