Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity
Shame, Shame, Shame
Wall of Shame
Shame & Self Forgiveness

Day 90: Truth about lying

I strange realization today while talking to my direct sales mentor. I asked him about the short suggested time that I should mention to the leads. Usually the presentation lasts about an hour up to two hours, however it has been suggested to set a date only for the presentation that lasts about 15 minute. After I asked him if this is not lying he gave me very interesting explanation.

He said that people are very busy and do not have much time for the direct sales people. But what people are very busy with is very insignificant things, like watching TV. People are constantly very very busy with watching TV. They always find time to watch TV or surf the web or post things on FaceBook or play games. Just to run away from reality and having to change anything.

So we, the sales people want to improve the lives of people with high quality products and we must find a way how to properly introduce them to the leads. If I would be totally honest and say to person that I would need two hours of his time to fully understand the product, no one would want to schedule a date. People simply can not handle the truth and they do not want to listen and understand the facts.

Sales people thus have to lie in order to get into people's home for just a few moments, but then engage in as much entertaining presentation as possible so that leads do not get bored. If the sales presentation is entertaining, from the perspective of the leads, it is like watching TV. Basically people want to be entertained and if the sales presentation is at least as entertaining as watching TV, people will enjoy it and they would not look on the clock all the time.

Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to always speak truth and nothing but the truth, instead of realizing that people have such unconscious mind patterns that they simply can not handle the truth and that they need to be tricked into listening if the information about hot they can improve their lives has any chance to be delivered. 

2012 Spirituality Exposed - Ignorance and apathy of Zen and Tao

The other day some guy came to visit me in order for us to know each other better. We shared our life story and our future plans. What surprised me was his decision to go on a sailboat and sail around a world in couple of weeks. This decision was based on his understanding that life is very simple and that you can life a fulfilling and joyful life if you reduce your personal needs on the minimum and not to possess a lot of things. He was inspired by his past spiritual experiences like Zen and Tao and he learned to a modest life to be the key to happiness.

Artwork by Ann Van den Broeck

Well, I also have a lot of colorful spiritual experiences. Zen, Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and many other religions and spiritual paths was also what I studied in depth. There was I moment in my life when I was obsessive Hare Krishna fanatic, dressed myself in sheets and preached the high knowledge of Vedas from door to door with my lap full of precious books. I was prepared to sell all my propriety and live in the temple to live as servant to my lord Krishna and other living beings. From my perspective I knew what life is, what is purpose of life and what is my mission in this life.

I felt safe in Hare Krishna society, there was food, lectures, prayers, dancing, mixing, having fun and feeling good. I started to watch people who were out there in the matrix as lost and delusional and in great need of help from our side in order to save them from their ignorance. However I slowly started to realize that even Hare Krishna society needed the source of income. We had to sold books and charge fees for events and then the society also opened a Govinda's franchise restaurant. So religions are not much different from any other business since money is the essential means of exchange and without money there is no god that can keep you alive in current world system.

Of course one can then decide for a path of a loner, find some place in this world when governments allow individuals to pick a part of land and live there in separation. But even this can not last very long. Ruling elite can swap, change laws and they drive you away from the land. In this word, anyone can use the system to raise himself up to the top power position and use money to do whatever they want, even kill millions of people for the protection of their self-interest. So becoming a loner is not the highest and best way of living that can be applied to any single person, only for those who were born in elite part of the world, who know how the system functions and who know how to get from the system whatever and whenever they need.

But this kind of attitude is not the highest realization and certainly not the final point of self-development that one can achieve. It is only a celebration of your ego and your individuality by totally ignoring other individuals and leaving them with their own problems. Even further, individuality and self-interest is the cause of all suffering in this world since we ignore the needs of other and advertise only the free will and free enterprise and thus leaving also a space for the freedom of abuse. The free will and free enterprise means also a freedom to do whatever you want without consequence and without any limitation. However since we live in limited physical reality on one planet where billions of other beings live, you always influence others with your own actions.

Thus the highest realization is that if you want to properly be taken care of, you have to consider also other fellow beings. Eventually a new system will have to be implemented that takes care for each individual and prevents any person who want to practice his free choice by deliberately hurting others. This system is already being developed and is called an Equal Money System. It is a practical functional peaceful political program that will change the world laws so that a dignified life for all humans, plants and animals will be guaranteed from life to death. Join the EMS forum and participate if you also want to support practical oneness and equality.
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