Day 83: Envy towards my guitar playing friend

I visited today my new friend and I noticed that he had a guitar in the corner of his room. I asked him if this was his guitar and how good does he know how to play it. He grabbed the acoustic guitar and start playing and he was very good. He then opened also his second electric guitar and demonstrated playing  next he displayed also his third bass guitar. He also incorporated a new device that he operated by foot and he used it to record some music and then replay it. Thus after fourth time it sounded like four man were playing a guitar.

While my friend was playing and it was for almost one hour, he would occasionally look at me and I did not know what he was thinking and what should I express. I was asking myself if he wanted me to admire him, applause him, start singing along or even dancing. Thus in order to avoid eye contact I mostly focused on his hand and guitar and just listend to the music.

The whole event triggered memories when about 15 year ago I also decided to lear playing a guitar and signed up for a private guitar school where I visited beginners guitar class for one year. After one year I was able to play several simple songs and I was happy about that. However when I would play in front of my friends, I did not received admiration as I expected but would instead made fun of me.

That event diminished my excitement as I did not see myself in the future as guitar entertainer. I did play afterwards songs for my own pleasure and amusement however the motivation to play guitar ended after couple of months and I sold the instrument. And it was not only because of the respond of others but also because playing a guitar personally was quite a different experience as simply observing others playing.

Yes, when I would listen to someone playing a guitar, I would think that this must be very simple, however it is not true. At least not at the beginning. It is a very specific sensation when holding a guitar, feeling the har wood of the body pressin g towards your body, smelling the metal smell of the quitar strings and feeling tiny metal strings pressing towards soft fingertips and inducing pain. It is only after years of practice where you stop being bothered with all the tiny unpleasant things and focusing on the music itself becomes possible.

So the bottom line is that considering all the potentials and possibilites in this world, I ask mysel if playing a guitar is really the best use of my remaining time in my life or should I rather do some other things, like writing going for a walk and writing self-forgiveness. Or would playing a guitar be a cool way of expressing myself, exploring the physical and taking the time off my computer related projects? 

Day 82: Executing new priorities

Since yesterday I got new information and funds that enabled me to move forward, I today started execution of the next logical steps. For some project I researched the locations in capital city that offer conference rooms and I also sent inquiry for suppliers of certain product that I will need for some other project. I then went through the financial documentation and decided what bills will I pay tomorrow. I also cleaned the computer files and emails and prepared for the selling activities of some products that were left on stock from two of my past projects that I decided to terminate.

What I am not very fun of that I after some time get bored and seek some entertainment and usually I go to YouTube and watch some movies. Since I am working alone in my apartment I some days don't even go out of apartment once a day. I think that I would be more effective if I would have some company or partner that would assist me at projects. So I will research the options and research what works best and how things will develop.

And I still have not disciplined myself not to watch movies late at night. Usually I watch them until 1 a.m. in the morning until my eyes would get very tired. And then I would also not wake up  before 9 a.m. in the morning. Somehow I thing that I would work too much if I would be more effective which is kind of self-deception. I know that I could discipline myself to be more productive, however I need to develop more self-directiveneness and a way of effective physical and mental relaxation.

Day 81: Great development of events today

I am excited again. Firstly I sold one of my computers today and I got some extra cash now that will enable me to cover some of my urgent expenses. Then the points about the business cleared which enabled me to now full move on. Tomorrow morning I will be having a strong motivation to wake up and move myself and I am looking forward to it.

I also met I guy today who finished first part of medical high school and is now deciding about specialization. I surprised myself with the level of enthusiasm that I used to express my points of view about the state of medical knowledge and indoctrination of the medical students. I asked him what he thinks about effectiveness of modern western medicine and if he knows about the ignorance and corruption in the pharmaceutical industry. He went blank and started to protect what the learned in the school, claiming that what I say is just a religion since he needs scientific evidence. So I did not want to push him more, however I think I made enough impact that he would start researching this point and maybe discover the truth.

Day 80: Business resistance backchat

Besides resistance towards writing blogs, I also experience resistance towards doing any other business activities. It is not that I have no ideas what to do in business, but past experiences and current global events made me uncertain about the results. I am unable to predict what will happen if I decide for some project and I am afraid that it will fail due to influences that I currently do not see or might develop in the future.

Excitement about some activity usually comes from certainty of the outcome, however things change in my life with the speed as never before. And then I also have to wait a lot more time that I used to. For example in my previous business of photography when I decided to reopen a photo studio, the delivery of the equipment took 7 months instead of 1 month as couple of years before. And also in current business I estimated that I will be fully running in 1 or 2 month tops, however it has been now 6 months after start and the money flow has still not stabilized. Now I am also to wait for several weeks for the launch of additional related products.

Well, I could do many business things or activities to earn money, however I now decide for the projects that impact this world in a way where the result will be a better place for all. This means that I also must collaborate with business peers all over the globe and come with a joint strategy that would be most effective. I am glad though that I decided this kind of activities since they bring me self-confidence and self-trust. They might not be very exciting on outside but deep inside I am sure that my life potential is well invested for the benefit of all. 

Day 79: Blogging resistance backchat

Since I committed myself to write each day a blog post, I am throughout day thinking about when shall I write it. Would it be best to write it in the morning or in the evening or some time in between? And then there is also a question about what to write about and what language to write in.

I understand that there are many point that I need to transform but it is not very fun to do this process. I would rather do other things, like watching a movie or sleeping or taking a walk in the woods. There are many event in the day where I subconsciously emotionally react but the reactions are so small and so quick that I am not able to register. Meaning, I am at that time occupied with doing some activity where I do not feel like stopping it and writing down a not what I have reacted upon. But I will have to do that if I want to stop the reactions and be able to stay here all the time.

When I would want to do some writing, also my eyes become tired and I become sleepy. I noticed that there is a video interview about tired eyes in the Eqafe store and I plan to purchase it when my credit card will be functional again in order to learn what is the cause of that and how to prevent this. I admire some people that I have been talking with lately who are able to work and direct themselves and do not need a lot of sleep. I could reduce my sleep extensively but I need to motivate myself more. If one is motivate, it can hardly wait to wake up in the morning and continue the projects, however I am not very glad waking up in the morning and doing the activities I planned to execute. I will dig more in order to find out how to be more motivated and productive.

Day 78: Self-forgiveness on envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel envy towards my friend instead of realizing that each feeling is my self-created energy of the mind, produced by thought of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that FaceBook post of new development of the product are the sign of succes and profit instead of realizing that one can never know the financial situation of someones business based on any post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be spiteful and angry towards my friend since he threatened me last time we met instead of realizing that emotional reactions of someone are his own creation and responsibility and nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be better than others and prosper more than others instead of realizing that we can only live here in this reality as equals, with everybody having their needs met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to give my friend a feedback about his product so he can improve it and fix the problems instead of realizing that feedbacks and communication is necessary for all to create better world as soon as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give way to energy of good feelings and stay cozy while working on my own instead of realizing that geting over good feelings and collaborating with other as a team is the best way to achieve my goals of heaven on earth.

Day 77: My envy towards my close friends

Days from 74 to 76 are in my Slovenian blog

Today I noticed a post of my friend, more specifically, the business FaceBook page of my friend's product that he is being developing and marketing for past couple of years. When I noticed the post of the new model of the product, where he associated the natural resources of our country with his product, I became judgmental towards him.

My friend gave me once a sample of his product and I have been using it for a while. His product advertised as natural and environmentally friendly, however some of his components are not such. For example the product of his that I was using had a component that in time became more and more smelly and thus I stopped using it. Then I also do not like some other versions of his product where he also uses some artificial and oil-based material that smells.

And the last time that I met him in person was where I wanted to present his some new business opportunity and he then reacted with warning that he will not talk with me again if I do it again since I surely must know that he is very busy and focused only on development of his product. At that time when he threatened me, I somehow felt angry since he did not shared my point of view, but at the same time I also admired him for his dedication and focus on his product.

I want to be successful at my projects and after reading some books about people who were very successful, I found out that all were very emotional and end expressed their dissatisfaction when events would not turn out as expected outward very violently. However they would not project this energy onto others, but then focused on the potentials and engaged them. I on the other hand see myself as not very emotional or at least not outward expressive, but introversive character. I thus am afraid that I do not possess proper qualities to fulfill my projects properly.