Day 167: Researching my feeling of deep sadness

Recently I have been listening to some support audio and watched a video of a certain social event that triggered a feeling of deep sadness within me. The audio has been talking about how someone that I know could actually be desiring the ability to experience laughter and the video also showed people that I have known very good and were engaged in happy gathering while playing an instrument and singing together. I also wanted to attend that event that took place far away, however, I was not able to due to my current financial situation. And the audio that was talking about my friend could also be talking about me since I obviously have a similar issue. I have been writing about such feeling of sadness in my blog before however, I think that I have to face it by going even deeper into it.

Firstly I want to explain that I am the oldest of two sons and usually if you are the first born child, parents expect from you to be a responsible role model for your younger siblings. I was no exemption and especially my father wanted to be proud of me so he pushed me to develop my abilities in order to brag towards others how great his elder son is. I wrote in previous blogs about how I got burned out while working in his family business and that is why I moved out of his house and started my own business. However, I did not consider the pressure that I felt to be very extensive and that I thought that I would be able to deal with it very easily. Now I see that I might have been suppressed much stronger than I believed before and that this is something that I do not want to admit to myself. Because as a male I have also been raised up not to express my emotions especially not sadness and never to cry.

Generally, I defined the situation in our family as high above average meaning that I had a roof over my head, enough food, both parents worked and earned enough, I do not remember being abused very much so I definitely had it much better than many who suffer great scarcity and pain in this world. However what I did not pay much attention to is the subtle emotional abuse that I obviously endured during my upbringing. I later found out that my father had a hard experience since his father died while he was just a small kid and then he started living with his stepsister and his stepfather who was a butcher. My father did not talk about his childhood experiences much and he has always been hiding any kind of pain, including any kind of physical body discomfort. I guess he decided to live a life of a martyr by ignoring any pain of his own and assisting others to live better. 

In terms of experiencing happiness and laughter, I do not remember him expressing his positive emotions much and what I found very odd is that he did not like to be even hugged by others, including by myself. I saw him cry only once and that was when we had a conversation at a family dinner where I expressed my feelings of being suppressed and then he burst out with tears about how he felt that he was more than a good provider for me and my brother. That was actually the first event that made me understand that he is also suffering a lot and that he is not having is as easy as he has been portraying himself towards others. I remember only two occasions where he was being nasty towards me. The first was when I did something wrong and he made me kneel on grains of rice for quite a long time. And I remember him making fun of me once which was related to me growing pubic hair or something related to that.

Oddly I have no much remembrance about how I experienced myself in early childhood and how was my relationship towards my brother. I know that he was able to express himself emotionally to a much greater extent that I was. Actually, he developed the polar opposite personality of being extremely extroverted, making fun of things and forcing others to laugh by making jokes and pushing their buttons in all sorts of ways. I did not like his behavior since in case of serious conversations he always quickly fled away and did not want to equally take responsibility. His philosophy was basically that every problem can be solved by making others laugh. Thus I have started to connect being happy and laughing with a diversion tactic and wanting to be irresponsible. Consequently I also hardly ever laughed since I wanted to be a responsible oldest son which was my personal survival tactic and also a form of me manipulating other to get what I want.

I do not remember any member of our family playing any instrument or singing any song. Although I did hear a testimony of my mother how in her childhood she started to learn to play the violin and then her mother forced her to play any time someone came for a visit. This is the reason why she then started to hate playing the violin or any other instrument. And possibly this is also the reason why my brother and I were also never encouraged to play any instrument. I remembered my mother telling me the story about how I was in a choir in the 1st or 2nd grade of primary school and how after we started to sing I soon broke into tears and was crying so intensely like never before. I am still wondering why was that and I suspect that my father envied and thus bullied me any time I wanted to express myself via singing. Consequently, due to all such suppressions, I did not practice to memorize any lyrics nor jokes.

The way how I was raised up made me uncomfortable in some social situations. For example in the last years of primary school. Someone had an idea to during a class break organize a quick performance when each classmate would step on top of the desk before the blackboard and sing one song. When it was my turn I told everyone that I do not know any lyric by heart and no one believed that such a case can exist. They pushed me to step on the desk and believed that eventually, I will remember some song. However, even after standing there for quite some time I was not able to and felt embarrassed in front of the class. Similarly, I feel very uncomfortable if I was invited to an event where someone would play guitar for example and others would sing popular songs since it was expected that everyone knows their lyrics by heart.

Around the age of 25 when I started to live in my own apartment, I decided to take a guitar class. Most of the music schools only accepted children however I managed to find a school for adults where they taught dancing and how to play guitar. I practiced at home how to play some popular songs using chords and how to sing along. Then I also played once when one of my young female neighbors had a birthday, however, some of the guys there made fun of me and I did not feel very happy about that. Eventually, I stopped playing guitar. One of the reasons was not feeling comfortable physically since besides already sitting for many hours working with computers playing guitar meant additional time where I was forced to sit. Also pressing the strings was painful for my fingers, they left a nasty metal smell and taste on my fingers and made the skin on top of my fingers to thicken.

A much nicer experience, however, was when I joined Hare Krishna movement years ago when we played simple instruments and repeatedly sung mostly only a simple mantra that was easy to learn. But there were other things that bothered me there so I left that group after a couple of years. In recent years I pushed myself to visit some music concerts. It is great to see how many people from the audience sing along and have fun. However, I am also critical about repeating lyrics since I believe that by repetition of statements within the lyrics of the song one is programming and conditioning itself. And I definitely do not want to join singing out loud lyrics that I find limiting and creating a feeling of self-pity or similar to that. I also do not like to visit live music events since people there usually drink or even smoke and thrash and spill the drinks on the floor.

I think that expressing yourself with making music and singing is great when certain conditions are met. In some cultures dancing and singing is practiced in a sacred form where it is mostly performed in small groups without any audience as a way of spiritual or religious practice. They perform with the intent to express gratitude towards the creator and do not care for the appraisal of the audience. Music can also share deep messages and change society. I was happy to see that also in our Desteni group where we transform mind patterns with writing like what I am currently doing some are also creating supportive music. Like the Robot Virgin, Anna and Viktor, Viktor Persson and MFM Radio for example. And I have also been thinking about writing and creating some music with deep messages however there are other things that attract me more at this moment. There are many options in this life, however, each one has a limited amount of time and every one of us must decide about priorities and what they want to focus to until further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others do not like how I play or sing just because of who I am as a being and want to suppress me because they are evil. I realize that my parents did not support my singing and playing because of their own history of not developing or being allowed much to develop musical skills. And in the case of my mother, she obviously projected her own frustration and wanted to protect me from the same experience of having been forced to perform in front of others without my will. Thus I commit myself when and as I play or sing and my parents make an unflattering comment about my performance and my mind produces thoughts like: “They are pure evil and I hate them for that!” to stop and breathe. Within the realization that what others say is more a reflection of who they are and not about me I then continue to play with the intent of my self-expression and my own personal enjoyment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in case of someone is being critical towards my musical performance to blame it all on them. I realize that when I have been playing guitar at the birthday party of my neighbor I have not been very skilled and I wanted to impress others in order to be prised and to feel good. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am invited to a gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Take your instrument and perform some songs in order to show others how good you are!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider the nature of the event, the appropriability of me playing there, the level of my current musical skill and my starting point. I ask the organizers of the event if they would like me to perform and explain the level of my skill to them. In case if they allow me to perform, I then play with the starting point of self-expression and allow any constructive criticism and understand also the nature of any criticism that is a result of projected envy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness when and as I am being in a group where people are playing instruments and singing. I realize that such feelings are a form of self-manipulation where I want to blame others for my past experiences by acting out the personality of a victim. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am in a musical gathering and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Your musical expression has been suppressed in the past and it is my right to be sad about that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the understanding that my experience of suppression has been a projected experience of my parents, I decided to break this pattern of abuse and manipulation and become an example of how I want to be treated by treating musical performers with respect and by expressing my full support for their performance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when and as someone pushes me to play an instrument or sing a song and I fail to perform like they hoped I would. I realize that other people have different family and educational backgrounds where some may consider the ability to play at least one instrument and to sing at least a couple of songs something normal. Some of them may not be able to comprehend that there are also people in this world that can play no instruments and do not know even one musical lyric by heart. However, this is their problem and lesson to understand and accept that life shaped a lot of people in this world that can perform very differently than themselves. Thus I commit myself to when and as someone expects me to play an instrument or to sing some song and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself for not having developed even basic musical skills!” to stop and breathe. I then within emotional stability simply explain to others that producing music is not something that I have been developing much and that best for them is to fully and completely accept this fact.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to audios that are relevant to this blog post:

Sadness: Understanding Sadness

Sadness: When Relationships End

Sadness: Seeing the Gift

Sadness: Sounding Self Forgiveness

Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Sadness & Loss

Why Do I Feel Left Out?

Day 166: Developing own vs joining other projects

Several weeks ago I reached out to an old friend since I noticed that he was now in the top management position of an organization that I have been following or several years now. I wanted to make a friendly connection and offer my assistance and useful information for their project however communication did not flow as nice as I imagined. After several emails, things became increasingly emotional, then they calmed down and I started to realize that I did not approach the communication from such point of equality as I perceived myself to do. I then talked to my neighbors about that and took general responsibility for my involvement, however, I still felt that I need to go more in-depth using writing in order to take back full responsibility for my actions and non-actions in regards to that matter.

So recently I have checked the website of an organization with a project that has a lot of similarities to the project that I am currently developing. I remember wanting to connect with that organization several years ago when I have been distributing a product which could be very useful to integrate into their workflow and would result in great benefits for their clients and economy. At that time it was some other person that I communicated to and was the founder of their organization. My first approach attempt was via phone but they said that they were busy with preparation for some deadline. I am not sure if I attempted to contact them after they reached the deadline, however, I do have notes of visiting them two years later when they exhibited their project. I spoke personally to the founder and have sent them an email the next day, however, to this day I did not receive any reply. After that, I moved to another city, worked on other kinds of projects and did not follow them for the last 3 years.

Now, when I visited their website again, I have been impressed by how far they have developed their project and what especially caught my attention was that my old friend was part of their management. We both have been peers at an education program where we learned many personal and business management skills. I started to contemplate if I should rather join them and assist in developing their project than developing my own from the scratch. I checked the description of their project in detail and noticed some facts that are not aligned with what I stand for. When I sent the first email to my old friend it was supposed to be short and neutral however I see that it already included comparison and some criticism. So instead of actually checking how my old friend has been these years and inviting him to a personal meeting, I already had reservation about that.

When I read his reply I reacted to his suggestion that if I wanted to join I would have to go through a specific training and that they include approaches beyond what is described on their website. So he too had his reservations due to their previous experiences. He was willing to meet with me but only until a specific date since after that he plans to be away for some time. I realize that I reacted with envy to their current expansion, his absence and their systematic approach that required an investment of my time and money. My next email reply thus reflected my emotions since I included additional criticism and extended information where I wanted to express my doubts about joining them. Then he directly expressed his feelings of resistance to my writing and exposed how I am actually not walking the talk. I continued the correspondence by admitting my biases and eventually exposing some of the past experiences that taught me to be careful about joining other projects.

One of the factors that made me create resistance was also an observation that nor the organization founder nor my old friend were active on Facebook. A year ago I invited the founder to participate in the international online conference and contribute to their perspective about the enhancement of human society, however, I received no reply. Not only that, my old friend even responded that he does not have a Facebook profile since he rather spends his active and free time in other ways. I basically was not able to find any information about him online. That was a very unflattering fact since for me the online presence is something very useful for networking and building trust. From my perspective, anyone who wants to be a leader and create an organization that is to be an example for generations to come can not afford to hold any negative relationship towards informational technology. I am using social media in a very productive way and find it useful especially for international collaboration where personal meetings are not possible due to vast distances.

So there were many things inside me that directed me unconsciously during the conversation with my old friend and I have not been completely clear and honest about that with myself. Actually, after noticing the success of their projects they started to represent a big temptation for me since I wanted to create almost exactly what they have been building. However, I joined many projects in the past several years where I resonated strongly with their mission and vision and they all left me down. This lead me at the beginning of this year to my commitment that I will under no circumstances ever again join any project that is managed by others and that I will be focusing only on developing my own projects where I will be fully in charge. Thus when I started to communicate with my old friend it was very unpleasant to realize that I have been contemplating about breaking my commitment to my own current project. Basically, I just wanted to give my old friend the opportunity to convince me into joining them while I gave him all the reasons why I do not want to join them.

Realistically the way I wanted to create my organization and the realizations that I want to implement is far beyond what is able to manifest by me joining other organizations. I have made many attempts to do that but it always failed. I wanted to work as support staff with others because I have not yet developed sufficient leadership skills to manage big teams. So I concluded that it would be a more productive investment of my time if I join other teams and create synergy. However, I have decided now to develop myself as a leader despite moving slower than other leaders. Because previously my starting point was to produce a certain visible positive effect in society during my lifetime. However, after realizing that the necessary change will take many generations I am now rather building strong foundations where others will be able to build on even after I will be long gone. No matter how long it will take, I plan to build it right in order to stand the test of time and create the best long-term effect for all living beings in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whoever is not on Facebook cannot be trusted. I realize that many people are not on Facebook for many reasons. Some are not aware of complete Facebook functionality and usability and treat it just as optional entertainment. Old generations are uncomfortable to use it since they find computers and all online related technology overwhelming. Many business leaders are not on Facebook since they are focused on using LinkedIn or other means of electronic communications. And there are also some who want to hide from their past, from public eyes, or have fears that they will be monitored and abused by secret government services. Thus when and as I stumble upon someone who is not on Facebook and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not collaborate with that person since they can not be trusted!” I stop such thought by breathing and rather ask them directly what is their specific reason for not being there. And then to communicate with them via the media that they are most comfortable using. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a resentment towards people that do not respond to my messages in a reasonable time. I realize that all people are not so good organized like me and have not such good computer equipment and fast access to the internet like I currently have. Reasons for others not responding quickly are also sickness, accidents, missed messages, too many messages, spam filters, business in private and professional life and many more. So when and as several days after I have sent the message my mind is producing thought like: “They have not replied in time thus it is best not to collaborate with them since they are not reliable!” I commit myself to stop and breathe. I then rather take into account any possible scenario, resend the message and try to contact them via other means in order to find out what was the specific reason for them not answering promptly the first time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who will not be able to develop sufficient leadership skills in this life in order to properly direct a big organization. And thus that I should rather join other organizations and work in middle management or something more aligned with my current skills and capacity. I realize that my point is not just about placing myself in some organization in order to be somehow useful for society but much more. Considering the advancement in my process of self-realization, I can not accept anymore to work for an organization that is not considering the principles of full personal responsibility for all existence and equality of all living beings. Thus I commit myself to when and as I contemplate where to work and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Life is short and considering your age and your skills, best to get a job in some established company!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, look beyond my lifespan and create an organization that will fully embrace the described principles, no matter how long it will take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start communicating with others without firsty making sure that I have faced all energetic movements that I have in relation to the individual that I plan to communicate with. I realize that thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have toward an individual will sooner or later reflect in a conflictual relationship if I do not face them beforehand. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am about to communicate with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just go ahead with communication since you are clear enough and if they react to your words it will be solely their own responsibility!” to stop and breathe. I then rather face the unresolved mind points that I have towards the individual and start communication only where I have cleared them completely. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate with the people that I have not been in communication with for many years based on my memories about them from when I last spoke to them. I realize that people constantly change and that even after several months let alone years, they can change significantly. Thus I commit myself to when and as I reconnect with someone that I have not seen for a long time and my mind is telling me something like: “Just talk to them like you used to talk last time you saw them!” to stop and breathe. Then I rather ask them what they experienced since we last talked and how that influenced their life, or even better to invite them to a personal meeting where an exchange of past experiences and alignment with who they are now would be even more effective. 

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Leadership and Equality from the Reptilians series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 165: Strange pressure under my left breast

For a couple of weeks, I have been experiencing strange pressure under my left breast. It is like someone would hold slight pressure between two of my ribs with one finger. It is not a pain nor a sharp pinch but it feels more like a small hole. It could also be some kind of small cramp. It is not deep but more in the area between the ribs and the skin. Initially, the feeling appeared only when I inhaled and the lungs expanded but later it escalated to an almost even pressure also while I am exhaling. It started after the event when my flatmate has been very emotional for the whole day and projected a lot of her past frustrations and accused me that I am responsible for how she felt. So the feeling could be related to my relationship with here, however, I feel that it is in an even stronger connection to other business and specifically money-related issues that I have been also facing at that time.

In January 2018 I left participation in a global project where I invested 5 months of my full dedication with the expectation that we will be able to launch a new soon convertible humanitarian cryptocurrency and I was also paid for my work in that currency. However, since things did not turn out as I expected, I got tired of excuses and quit the project. Since I have in the past several years participated in many other projects that others initiated and none of them fulfilled the promises I decided to take things into my own hands and create a project where I will be in charge of and thus also avoid disappointments. So at the beginning of this year, my friend and I joined forces to develop a product where he would take the part of a technical development and I the part of branding and marketing. I invested a lot of time into creating a website, promotional and instructional videos and in March the first Facebook marketing campaign was launched.

I expected that soon after the first dozen of users would finish the free product trial period they will automatically purchase the product and the money will start rolling in. However, that did not happen and many did not even succeded to effectively test the product. In order to get more perspectives about what could be the cause for the product not to launch successfully I then contacted dozen of business mentors to evaluate the website and product user experience. Based on the feedback I concluded that money will not roll in so quickly as I projected and that a totally different and gradual approach will be necessary for it to achieve the goal. In the past months my personal finances were very low, then my business partner went abroad for several weeks and also my father that so far regularly assisted me with additional funds in exchange for some design work that I have been performing for him was not able to pay me in time. So several sources of income that I have been relying on have let me down and a subconscious fear of survival started to take a grip on me.

And there has also been a social factor that contributed to the creation of some kind of constriction in my chest. In recent months I used to visit my good friend and business partner at least twice a week and with him and his girlfriends I was able to talk about the deepest stuff and be understood. Now since they went abroad I did not have any person nearby that I could visit and share my thoughts. With my flatmate, we went through many phases of relationship in the past several years where we concluded that we are definitely not compatible as a couple. Sometimes we do have meaningful conversation however her frequent emotional outbursts are something that disturbs me very much. Until a couple of months ago I have been meeting her on a daily basis however then she started to be out of her apartment even one week in a row persuing new boyfriend relationships. Also on weekends, a young daughter of one of my neighbors visited me frequently and I spent many hours teaching her how to cook. Then her father forbade her to visit me, probably due to envy.

Thus several factors that were financial and social kind accumulated and created constriction and anxiety. Especially due to the absence of my business partner I felt like our project has stuck and that I can not move on with development as fast as before. I definitely did make some moves on my own by gathering feedback from our first clients and business mentors and I executed some legal, strategical and structural changes regarding the project and the company. So now I am going to be using the tools as perfected within the DIP Lite free online course to face and transform the related mind patterns and thus remove the primary course for pressure in my chest:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to outer stimulation in order for me to do certain things. I realize that I have been conditioned by my upbringing where especially my father played a significant role, however, I have now gained almost complete independence from my parents and it would be useful for me to stop my social determinism. I commit myself the when and as I would like to achieve something and my mind produces thoughts like: “Why doing something if no one is telling me to do that?” to stop and breathe. Instead of waiting for others to direct me, I then unconditionally direct myself towards completing my projects. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my actions to be energetically conditioned where I would need to experience the energy of fear as the consequence of others threatening me if I do not do exactly what they want me to. I realize that I have been living in an energetic polarity where while not being influenced by others I have been in a state of resting and waiting in the feeling of low and tiredness and only if others would motivate me, I would experience the energy of excitement as the needed initiation for my movement. I commit myself to when and as I want to move and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are feeling tired and low so just listen to yourself and have a deserved rest since sooner or later someone will want something from you and that will be the sign for you to move again.” to stop and breathe. I then check if my feeling of tiredness is actually a physical tiredness where my body really needs a rest. And if it is a feeling of tiredness produced by the mind I stand up and move, not allowing the mental energy to direct me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in projected criticism of others which has become a sort of addiction for me. I realize that regardless of how I have been influenced by my family surrounding, indulging in the ranting of others where they point out only bad things and mistakes that I have made in the past and how I am the only one to blame for them such is really not supportive for me. I commit myself to when and as someone would criticise me for something that I know is not actually true and my mind would produce thoughts like: “Just keep listening to them since you might learn something new and strengthen the relationship with the person who is criticising you.” to stop and breathe. I realize that I do not need to depend on people who are just nasty and do not want to support me as equal and I commit myself to communicate and work only for the people who have a respectful attitude towards me. Thus when and as I notice that someone has started to use projected criticism, I tell them to stop and if they continue I immediately remove myself from their company. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose faith in me and to define myself as an incompetent person since in the last several years the projects that I took part at have not been profitable. I realize that such is mostly opinion of my father that does not know or want to communicate in other ways but to show only the bad things that happened to me and that for him the only measure of success is the generated profit in for of liquid currency. In reality, I have created a lot of assets with the potential to be liquid in the future and all the events that I took part in were in some way valuable for me since I gained a lot of new acquaintances and experiences that I can make use of in my future undertakings. Thus when and as I think of what project I should develop next and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Past has proven that you are a complete failure thus better to not decide about anything on your own and rather wait for someone who is capable to tell you exactly what to do!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that there is no such individual who is perfect and is able to guide me without any mistakes rather be my own leader and engage in productive actions. Because as they say, there is no success without failure and if you want to succeed fast, do as many mistakes as you can.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Stuck from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 164: Fear due to increased public exposure

Recently I have become a candidate for Slovenian parliament on behalf of one of the new political parties. The president of the party sent me a friendship request after I liked their Facebook page. Soon after that, we had a personal meeting at my home where he invited me to become their candidate and represent their agenda in the parliament possibly or even become a minister. I definitely am interested in politics since I want to make this world the best place for all. In the recent years, I joined one of the newest political parties in Slovenia, however, there was no real movement. My friends and I even attempted to establish our own political party, however, we lacked the motivation and resources to even gather 100 signatures of supporters to register it. I did not research much in detail how the political system in our country works and I have never imagined becoming a member of parliament. I wonder if I have what it takes to be in such demanding, responsible and exposed position. And I sense how a kind of subconscious fear started to creep in due to the potential of being scrutinized by public media.

The political party that I started to represent has a very advanced program and not a lot of people resonate with what it stands for. It consists of members that show by their own example how it is possible to change and how to live a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. Established political parties have a lot of control over public media and use it as a tool to diminish any new party that starts to compete with them. So the strategy of our party is to address that 60% of the population that do not attend elections since none of the programs of existing parties is attractive enough to them. And we are also instructed not to criticise anything from the past or other political parties. The plan is to connect with local organic stores, Yoga societies, and similar organizations who are able to fully resonate with our program and will definitely vote for what we stand for. We are also the only party that is equally represented in terms of sex since we have one female and one male president and one female and one male vice-president.

Our party so far has participated only in one public confrontation which was hosted by our national TV station. Presidents of all political parties in Slovenia were assembled in the studio and given just a couple of dozen seconds to answer questions of the hosts. Our male president was also there and was given a visibly shorter written review of his speech than presidents of other parties. Three days ago we had the first party meeting in the middle of capital city forest park where all the candidates for the parliament were presented and the event was covered by the national TV. I found out that our female president was during this event quite in shock because she had an interview where one of the reporters asked her a question about the party where the program of the party was diminished and made fun of. That made me think how well I would respond if being in the same position since I definitely do not want to be laughed at or made fun of by public media.

In past decades I went through a radical personal transformation from a very shy unsocialized introvert who could barely speak and feared criticism into an outspoken blogger and vlogger who mastered many fears and is willing to expand even more. Despite producing over 500 vlogs in the past 3 years I have been noticed by media only several months ago and invited to 3 interviews at one of the Slovenian commercial TV stations. However, I was able to speak even about the most advanced esoteric knowledge which surprised even myself. Of course, at those interviews I have been speaking about that I was an expert at and was not expected to memorize a lot of specific information. However, as the politician, I assume that I would be expected to learn many historical data about our country and to know the constitution, country and international laws by heart. And memorizing a lot of exact data is not what I am very fun of. Also until now I have studied politics more from a global and secret esoteric perspective and did not follow local political happenings very much.

So now I will be facing some of the subconscious and mind patterns that can trigger reactions of fear using tools learned at the Desteni I Process online courses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously when interviewed by public media. I realize that when one is becoming more of a public figure media will want to know more about them in order to satisfy the curiosity of the masses. However, even such influential people as the president of USA is being ridiculed by even most popular comedy shows and yet he proves how it is possible any opinion from whoever not to be taken personally. Thus I commit myself when someone, especially a reporter of the most influential media is interviewing me and my mind is producing thought like: “It is inappropriate to ask me any disrespectful questions in the attempt to trigger an emotional reaction in me.” to stop and breathe. In such cases I stay true to myself, speak openly based on the principle of equality and what is best for all and not care what others think about me since most are their projections of own limiting mind patterns, limitations, and separations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that becoming member of parliament is a function that I will not be able to handle due to current lack of knowledge of national legislation and international politics. I realize that whatever challenge I have faced so far, I proved to myself that I am capable of acquiring necessary knowledge and skills in order to perform my function with great excellence. And above all, I have been in the past years developing a strong integrity which is the most important quality in a political position so I definitely have something to offer. Thus I commit myself to when and as I think about becoming a politician and my mind is producing thought like: “You have little experience in politics and you are definitely incapable to know or learn what it takes to be part of a parliament!” to stop and breathe. I then rather start to study parts of the legislation and the current political situation with my own pace and prepare myself in the best way possible to be as ready for my job as I am capable of.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried what my father will think about me and that he will be ashamed of me if I go into politics and then make some mistake that will be blown out of proportions by media. I realize that while my father still wrongly considers me an extension of him and wants to be proud of me, it is his responsibility to face his lack of self-confidence and projections of his inferiority onto me. Thus when and as I am facing to be portrayed by public media as a loser and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, what will my father think of me!” to stop and breathe. Then within awareness that parents are the one that instills the most limitations into their children, I disregard my family relationships based on self-interest and act from the starting point of what is best for all life in the long term. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a serious person that has to be addressed with all the respect, especially when I am in a role of a politician on highest position. I realize that better than respect based on the position it is far more sustainable to earn the respect of others by your own deeds and action that are best for all. Thus when and as I am in conversation with someone and my mind starts to produce thoughts like: “They better respect me and talk to me according to my formal position or I will show them how nasty I can be!” to stop and breathe. I then rather communicate with anyone with consideration of their own state of mind and within the realization that we will all die and leave our bodies and physical possessions behind. The only thing that will count is how much we have made progress in facing limitations of our own mind, how much we have transcended our self-interest and what is the long-term outflow of our actions on other living beings while we were making decisions in this physical realm.

For all who are in a political position or are planning to enter the politics but have fears, I recommend to take the free online course DIP Lite and listen to many supportive audios from Eqafe related to politics especially the one titled What Your Mind Doesn't Want You to Know About Fear of Authority.

Day 163: Criticism based on unverified assumption

During the day my mind is creating a lot of backchats or automatic thoughts that influence the relationship between myself and others. Some thoughts are so prominent that I am able to notice and stop them immediately and some are so subtle that slip bye and create unconscious suppressed emotional reactions within me. Such energetic reactions that are mostly criticism, anger, and envy have already years ago started to manifest as irritated itchy part of my skin around the genital area. When I first started with the Desteni process it assisted me a lot and condition of my skin improved significantly. However, in recent months, I am experiencing increased irritation so I decided to look at the causes for that.

I will take an example from today when I experienced itchy sensation on my skin and I stopped in order to identify the underlying thoughts. It happened when in the morning I checked my Facebook profile and noticed new friendship requests from two young females. I have been single for the last couple of years however I have not been actively seeking for a partner since my focus has been on some projects with the intent to firstly provide a better financial stability for me. Because I associate personal relationships with increased costs I want to have enough money before attempting to create a family. However, I am open to starting dating any girl that would show interest in me. So in case of new female friendship requests, I immediately check their status, the reason for wanting to connect with me, if they are single and without kids. Then also what their interests are, what is their profession and current job and if they have potential to also collaborate with me also on the projects that I am involved in at this moment.

In regards to my female Facebook friends who already having own children, I consider such situation with two different perspectives. From personal views, I am not interested in starting a relationship with a single mother because I know how complicated such relationship is and how involvement with a biological father of children can make things difficult. In fact, such was exactly the situation with my last girlfriend and I do not want to experience it again. But from a business view, any parent with young children is a potential buyer of my new product since my friend and I have developed an educational software that accelerates learning and especially assists preschool kids to develop their core life potentials. So today I checked the photos of my new female Facebook friends and noticed that one had some photos with around 2 years old child which indicates that she is a mother. And since there were no photos of her and a child with a guy, I concluded that she has separated and is single.

So far such observations triggered no reactions within me. However, after that, I started to judge this single mother in my mind about her irresponsible behavior of having a child at such a young age and not making sure that the father would stay and support her and their baby. When I look at myself how come I created such a belief, I can see that there are two components related to this. One is that my younger brother has two daughters that are now already in the secondary school because he also became a father very early. His children were the product of a very emotional relationship and I know that they had to go through a lot of troubles while growing up. And my brother also did not want me to influence them so he persuaded his wife to block me on Facebook and prevent me to communicate with their children online. So there are some elements of resentment here and I could also have some envy towards my brother for having kids while I still have none.

Then there is also a dimension of justification and wanting to be more than others. There certainly is a lot of truth in that young partners have not a lot of life experiences, are expected to be more emotional and thus also children suffer more than couples who decide to have children 10 or more years later. It is definitely a good thing to work on yourself first as much as possible to clear many of problematic mind patterns that we all inherit mostly from our parents and thus prevent them to be transferred and consequently create harm to our children. And from that reason I am also continuing with working on myself, clearing points of separation from my mind and thus preparing myself to be a responsible parent. However, the problem here is my starting point of wanting to be more than others which I inherited from my father and he also constantly motivated me to be the best I can. 

Thus it is perfectly fine for me to perfect myself from the point of wanting to contribute to our society and future generations to improve. The point of separation is, however, wanting to be better than others in order to feel good and attract attention from others. Such tendency creates constant comparison where I am checking if others are aligned with my ideals of responsible parents. In a case when I see that a woman has become a mother in early years I start to judge her, especially in case of divorce. And consequently, I have also been justifying not having own children yet with me being a responsible individual and not considering other influences that shaped my life. While in fact if I would be born in the position of my younger brother, my life experience would be very different.

I wrote this blog post already several weeks ago and wanted to add the self-forgiveness statements however I did not manage to find enough motivation and time to do it. So today I finally decided to move on and post it as it is and start a new blog post. During this time also a very supportive audio interview came out that is very related to also manifest consequences that I experience on my skin so I invite you to listen to it if you face similar mind patters:

Interview Request - Jock Itch

Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.