Day 208: Female attraction and me

I have already written a lot about my relationship with females. And the pain in my right testicle that reoccurred yesterday after a very long time is showing me that it is time to look deeply into this point again. I can already conclude that the reaction of the body is the result of my increased communication with three women in recent days. That triggered a lot of thinking about the possibilities of a relationship with any of them and how would it influence my life. In such relationships, I find things that attract me and things that I do not like. And it is also about the prediction of how my life would change according to my observation of other people that entered relationships and experiences in my past relationships with women. The major decision here is whether to have kids or not at my current age and the habit of living alone.

The first thing is that I do not have a strong desire and mission to be a father in terms of having my own human offspring. I could say that the primary reason for that is that I do not identify myself very much with the physical body that I am incarnated in. While some consider their own children as part or extension of themselves, I see kids pretty much as separate beings. I see how kids in the first months and years after they are born need a lot of attention and would redirect the attention from what I am currently doing. And since I am making myself as useful as possible to make this world the best place for all I wonder if having children would significantly decrease my ability to function in such ways. So currently I am functioning more from a position of a holly father meaning that I treat every living being in existence as one and equal, as part of me or as my children. So from the position of awareness that all that can exists is me, I am primarily a father to my creation as one and equal. From that perspective, I have no desire or need to replicate myself even more or to create additional parts of myself in separation from myself. I enjoy solitude and simple life where I can rest and relax any time I desire. So I see any relationship with a woman as something that would create a disturbance of my peaceful life.

Some would argue that it is important for every real man to create a family. Some try to show how it is possible to be a father to human children and at the same time create a relationship with own children from the perspective of oneness and equality. Yet I see that this is only possible if there are certain preconditions existing, where one has a certain kind of mind, ability, and motivation to be a good provider. And also the environment with a lot of economic opportunities plays a role in that. So my current position and location, my past, my structural resonance, my physical environment, and also the current global pandemic are far from ideal parameters for me to engage in a role of a human father. I however am active at a project that is expected to manifest a system that will remove the lack of any basic necessities and then I would definitely reconsider experiencing myself in raising a human child.

There certainly are temptations in regards to women since I am experiencing myself in a male human body that has been programmed to respond to the opposite sex. Sensations such as the experience of orgasm and physical touch definitely create thoughts and imaginations of how it would be if I had sex with a woman again. However, I also see how any sexual act with a female would then create a bond that deepens with every additional sexual act. That can then trigger things as possessive relationship, jealousy and all kinds of drama that I definitely do not want. So I would certainly be up for a relationship with a woman that treats me as one an equal, that is emotionally stable, that possesses a high level of common sense, and that fully trusts me and never suspects me of anything that I actually have not done.  Interestingly I have not met such a woman yet and all that cross my path are far from such ideal.

But then since all are part of me and if I see some woman in a struggle, I of course definitely want to assist her the best way I can.  This especially goes for the females that live in my physical proximity and that are my good friends and colleagues. I understand their struggles and support them with listening, counseling, and coaching. With any of those females, I imagine how a relationship with them would be since some have engaged in a conscious relationship with men for the purpose of supporting each other to grow and expand. However after being in two relationships that later three years, I know how slowly people change, and if both are not fully committed to removing all points of separation, the conflicts occur on a regular basis. So I definitely do not want to compromise myself again by entering into a relationship with a woman that just wants to stay as she is, unless if she has already sufficiently become whole and gained high self-awareness.

From how I understand that women function they are much more emotional and internalize all experiences, especially sex. After all their bodies play the role of soil where new life grows. Men are much freer since they just eject seed and there is no much consequence of sex on their physical bodies. However, the woman can become pregnant which results in a massive bodily transformation that takes 9 months, and then they are also responsible to feed the baby with their milk for months and years. So it is logical that women treat sexual intercourse much differently than men. They also had to suffer monthly menstruation pain and bleeding and have constantly count the number of remaining eggs. And I see that women have also a stronger drive to experience themselves as birthing and raising babies.

In an ideal world, I would definitely like to see a system implemented that would secure the safety of survival and excellent health for women and men so that both parents could fully dedicate themselves to raise kids at least for the first key 7 years of their offspring childhood. It is definitely my vision and mission to create such a world and hopefully, it will happen sooner than later. Actually, my desire is for all living beings to co-exist in harmony and abundance. However, I am aware that I am just one of the billions of beings in existence and that I have a limited capacity of transforming this world into the best place for all. So in order to make the best use of my abilities and to leverage all my potentials with utmost effect, I must carefully select what to focus on.

I have assisted the women that I have been in an intimate relationship with, women that I became friends with, and women that live and have lived in my close proximity. I spent a lot of time talking with them on the phone and during long walks and all of them did make some progress. And I also gained new perspectives by listening to their struggles and attempts to break free from their addictions and obsessions. However, all had so strong and deep patterns that it was impossible for me to imagine being with them in a long-term relationship. I realized that I would compromise myself if I would persist in wanting to save them regardless of the costs. I discovered that also I have a lot of limiting points to transform within myself and that the most important thing is to take enough time in order to work on my own personal process of transformation.

Within this, the main challenge for me is defining my relationship to my male human physical body. Because I see how it wants to express itself sexually and produce offspring. The question is how to make a deal with it in order for it not to feel sexually suppressed and to make it consider all the perspectives that my decisions are based on. And I also need to question to what extent limiting my sexual intercourses with women is based on my suppression of myself as a being and to what level I am justifying my current limitations as an excuse for my decision to live a life of solitude and dedication to a higher purpose. It definitely is a challenge to actually make any decision about anything since once a decision is made, a new outflow of events for the whole existence is being set.

Thus it all boils down to a question of how much to care about anything in existence. One extreme is to care about everything and everyone and to be careful not to even kill the tiniest insect if possible. And the other extreme is to not give a fuck about anything considering that existence is a constant interchange of creation and destruction. So there would be no use to create an attachment to anything physical since it will eventually be destroyed. And since I somehow have entered this physical human body and I am not able to simply leave it and go somewhere else, I am faced with decisions on how to best endure until its expiry date. It is a strange game that I as the creator, creation and the created am playing with myself however it looks like that there is no way out but to take full self-responsibility for what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to ignore the sexual attraction of my human physical body towards the females and to not direct it towards setting a clear and exact relationship between my body and the bodies of the females. I realize that there is no such thing as a wrong or right decision and that there are only consequences and the turmoil of not being decisive instead of directing every single part of myself based on the principle of what is best for all life. I commit myself to when and as I am faced with many options to take enough time to compare what might the outflow of events be and then to make an informed decision without looking back ever again or worrying that I made a wrong turn.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when and as I see a female physical body to blame it as responsible for the creation of the attraction due to projection of my own sexual desires and addiction to the orgasmic sexual experience. I realize that women are equal beings that face their own challenges related to their own body and sexual system that can be equally triggered by me as a male and they could equally blame me for simply just existing as a male. I commit myself to when and as I meet any human regardless the sex and my mind would analyze them as potential sexual partners, to stop and breathe. I rather consider them as one and equal with all their conditions that are connected to their human and non-human experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame destiny for bringing a specific type of woman into my proximity and to see the woman mostly as a burden for men since men need to provide for them at least during the sensitive months of pregnancy and early childhood of the newborn kids. I realize that such a perspective is a projection of my own inability to better provide for myself and to generate more money. I commit myself to improve my self-care so that I would be able to comfortably potentially enter into a relationship with a woman without having to worry about money issues. 

Suggested related educational Eqafe audios:
Relationship Success Support with Agreements
The Difference Between Male and Female Emotions
The Manifested Dimensions of Conflict
The Emotional and Feeling Body System
Sex and Relationships in Existence
The Relationship between Sexuality and Money

Day 187: Self-forgiveness on dating

These are my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement as part of the process of self-perfection that I learned by walking the Desteni I Process courses in regard to my previous two blog posts about my experiences with dating again after several years of basically being single.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on dating to the level of me having almost no time to develop my business plans. I realize that I have used dating as a form of distraction in order not having to face all the necessary tasks that I need to do in order to make my new life coaching business moving. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You can postpone your business plans for now since your income is sufficient to get you through the next month!“ to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on my business first and develop a stable source of income and spend only my free time on dating activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being able to apply my gathered knowledge and experiences in regards to self-perfections the best only if I engage in a  relationship with a woman. I realize that the only thing that I need to face my mind and release all the limiting patterns is myself and my self-honesty. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “It is more effective to walk the process of self-perfection when you are in a life relationship since the other person can assist you with a reflection of your mind patterns!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on walking my process alone and only if I by any chance find a proper partner do I then establish an agreement with her to reflect and support each other as an additional form of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in a relationship with a woman who already has young children in order to express myself as a father and to apply my gathered knowledge about how children are best to be raised. I realize that there are also other options for me to be of service to society and that raising children is a path with quite limited reach and one of many options to influence humanity in a positive way. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Due to your current age it would be more suitable for you to pick a separated or widowed woman with young kids and assist her with raising her children!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather research all the options like creating online webinars or courses where I can have even greater impact on society and also earn money with it.

Related supportive Eqafe audios:
I Fear Missing out
Avoidance: Face Yourself
High Expectations for my Child's Future
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
Stay at Home Mom
What do You Want for Your Child?
The Product of a Sheltered Life

Day 163: Criticism based on unverified assumption

During the day my mind is creating a lot of backchats or automatic thoughts that influence the relationship between myself and others. Some thoughts are so prominent that I am able to notice and stop them immediately and some are so subtle that slip bye and create unconscious suppressed emotional reactions within me. Such energetic reactions that are mostly criticism, anger, and envy have already years ago started to manifest as irritated itchy part of my skin around the genital area. When I first started with the Desteni process it assisted me a lot and condition of my skin improved significantly. However, in recent months, I am experiencing increased irritation so I decided to look at the causes for that.

I will take an example from today when I experienced itchy sensation on my skin and I stopped in order to identify the underlying thoughts. It happened when in the morning I checked my Facebook profile and noticed new friendship requests from two young females. I have been single for the last couple of years however I have not been actively seeking for a partner since my focus has been on some projects with the intent to firstly provide a better financial stability for me. Because I associate personal relationships with increased costs I want to have enough money before attempting to create a family. However, I am open to starting dating any girl that would show interest in me. So in case of new female friendship requests, I immediately check their status, the reason for wanting to connect with me, if they are single and without kids. Then also what their interests are, what is their profession and current job and if they have potential to also collaborate with me also on the projects that I am involved in at this moment.

In regards to my female Facebook friends who already having own children, I consider such situation with two different perspectives. From personal views, I am not interested in starting a relationship with a single mother because I know how complicated such relationship is and how involvement with a biological father of children can make things difficult. In fact, such was exactly the situation with my last girlfriend and I do not want to experience it again. But from a business view, any parent with young children is a potential buyer of my new product since my friend and I have developed an educational software that accelerates learning and especially assists preschool kids to develop their core life potentials. So today I checked the photos of my new female Facebook friends and noticed that one had some photos with around 2 years old child which indicates that she is a mother. And since there were no photos of her and a child with a guy, I concluded that she has separated and is single.

So far such observations triggered no reactions within me. However, after that, I started to judge this single mother in my mind about her irresponsible behavior of having a child at such a young age and not making sure that the father would stay and support her and their baby. When I look at myself how come I created such a belief, I can see that there are two components related to this. One is that my younger brother has two daughters that are now already in the secondary school because he also became a father very early. His children were the product of a very emotional relationship and I know that they had to go through a lot of troubles while growing up. And my brother also did not want me to influence them so he persuaded his wife to block me on Facebook and prevent me to communicate with their children online. So there are some elements of resentment here and I could also have some envy towards my brother for having kids while I still have none.

Then there is also a dimension of justification and wanting to be more than others. There certainly is a lot of truth in that young partners have not a lot of life experiences, are expected to be more emotional and thus also children suffer more than couples who decide to have children 10 or more years later. It is definitely a good thing to work on yourself first as much as possible to clear many of problematic mind patterns that we all inherit mostly from our parents and thus prevent them to be transferred and consequently create harm to our children. And from that reason I am also continuing with working on myself, clearing points of separation from my mind and thus preparing myself to be a responsible parent. However, the problem here is my starting point of wanting to be more than others which I inherited from my father and he also constantly motivated me to be the best I can. 

Thus it is perfectly fine for me to perfect myself from the point of wanting to contribute to our society and future generations to improve. The point of separation is, however, wanting to be better than others in order to feel good and attract attention from others. Such tendency creates constant comparison where I am checking if others are aligned with my ideals of responsible parents. In a case when I see that a woman has become a mother in early years I start to judge her, especially in case of divorce. And consequently, I have also been justifying not having own children yet with me being a responsible individual and not considering other influences that shaped my life. While in fact if I would be born in the position of my younger brother, my life experience would be very different.

I wrote this blog post already several weeks ago and wanted to add the self-forgiveness statements however I did not manage to find enough motivation and time to do it. So today I finally decided to move on and post it as it is and start a new blog post. During this time also a very supportive audio interview came out that is very related to also manifest consequences that I experience on my skin so I invite you to listen to it if you face similar mind patters:

Interview Request - Jock Itch

Day 151: Why does my father bother me so much

Yesterday my father visited me after almost 6 months. He came because he has been for last several days present at the nearby Ptuj city annual carnival as official ancient printer and scribe. While he attracts attention with his original long beard, mediaeval black coat and black headgear with feathers, he also carries an iPad in a case that looks like an old book that he made. He came to me with a reason to pick up an old suitcase that he ordered me to collect at city antique shop couple of days ago but also to download the videos that he recorded on the festival since his iPad memory was full. While I emptied his iPad he gave me some money and asked me what I have been up to. When I explained him how I started to network with local action group to start building urban gardens, he reacted as many times before, making clear that he actually does not care what I do as long as I earn enough money to survive.

His attitude towards me makes me angry because I would like to see for my father to respect me and be interested in what I do. However he mostly focuses on his own life and does not care for others very much. Thus also whenever he asks me what I have been doing lately, I already know that it is pointless to say anything because he actually does not want to hear that I am doing any progress in my life. What pleases him the most is hearing that I am struggling because I think that in a way he does not want any competition for attention and that he likes to be in a role of a saviour. When I did analysis how his sins in form of mind patterns transferred to me, I became aware that I also did not care very much for what he was doing. However when I started to show interest for what he does and would occasionally ask him what he has been doing, he would not want to explain it to me. And this is because of his other manipulation tactic because he wants to do things in secret in order to surprise and shock others with the final product, again just for the sake of getting attention. I hate him for being like that and cycling through the same behaviour patterns year after year.

So I have been wondering what to do about him and for me how to transform such patterns that I picked up from him. Several months ago I wrote him that I have decided to completely stop working for him and having any contact and that he should find some other person to assist him with computer related design tasks that I have been performing for him occasionally. But recently he again started to call me and ask me for design assistance. He explained that his designer got sick and that he urgently needs my help due to project deadline. I did restart working for him with expectation that his new designer will take it over when he gets better. But that waiting extended for many weeks and when I asked my father if his designer has already got well, he just mumbled something and I am suspecting that he actually might got in fight with him and that he would rather continue to work with me. Now I wonder if continuation of working for him will again be solidifying my old behaviour patterns that I worked on transforming within me.

Working for my father has some benefits for me since income from my work for him, combined with the monthly social support money is just enough to cover my monthly costs. But that also keeps me in the comfort zone where I have not much interest for doing some greater projects. Somehow this lifestyle fits me quite well since I do not have big responsibilities and provides me with a lot of time for my passion of spending many hours per day discovering even greater secrets of this existence. So in one way I am thankful that my father and I have such symbiotic relationship to support each other's passions. In one way I hate and also envy him for living the words 'ignorance is a bliss' and not giving much care for what is going on outside of his small mind bubble. And in one way I also admire him for being such a hard physical worker, constantly expanding and constructing physical projects, always having enough money and also learning how to benefit from digital technology. While he likes to build with his hands and creating something big from the physical substance, I on the other hand like to live a minimalistic life and create using virtual computer tools. So our field of interest, starting points and ways of expression are quite different, in many ways a direct opposite.

Considering all upsides and downsides of our relationship the biggest question is to what extend should I live aligned with the expectations of the society that family members must have the best relationships between each others and be always willing to assist each other. And I have to decide if keeping working for my father is currently the best way of supporting my development or if it will diminish and limit me at the process of expanding myself. The question is if my desire to live my current way of life is the consequence of being regularly in touch with my father or will I be able to handle all interactions with him without any emotional reactions and triggering past memories and expand anyway? Or would it be the best to again cut off all the connections with my father so that he is completely removed from my mind which would enable me to focus on my process and projects development with greater efficiency?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry about my father because he wants to impress others with what he does. I realise that I am using the same pattern when communicating with my father where I try to impress him with knowledge, information and my latest achievements. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with my father and my mind produces thoughts like: “I must let him know what I have achieved and learned lately so that he can be proud of me.” to stop and breathe. I then continue with assisting him without and desire to impress him or wanting to be more than him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired and demotivated in socialising with others with justification that others will not be able to understand how I see this world in many of its dimensions. I realise that feeling of tiredness is the polarity opposite energy that is the consequence of positive emotions of feeling good that I have been striving for. I commit myself to when and as I feel depressed as the result of me allowing the thoughts like: “The world is too complex and there is no point of explaining what I see so best not to even try to explain it.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to live words like: Patience, Humility, Compassion and in graduate steps take enough time to explain to others how I see this reality and what are the solutions for the current problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that some people are beyond the ability to understand and that the best way to deal with them is to cut them off and end any further communication with them. I realise that even to people with very small capacity to understand I can give at least a small piece of information that they would be able to grasp and expand by. I commit myself that when and as I meet someone who seems to have very limited capacity of understanding and my mind goes like: “This person is so dumb that there is no point in wasting any time for trying to explain him anything.” to stop and breathe. I then consider the fact that we are all in this together and that no one is free until we all are free and give the opportunity to anyone that I meet in order for them to benefit from my interaction with them at least in some small way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up due to belief that there is no information received from others that I can totally rely on and share it with others without any danger that after some time it will be proven to be fake. I realise that while any second hand information can be fake, there is a lot of first hand information available and my personal experiences that I can totally rely on and are completely safe to share. I commit myself to when and as I want to assist others with useful information and there are thought popping up like: “Better not to say anything since there is a possibility existing that information is not true and others will accuse me of being a liar and will attack me with everything they got!“ to stop and breathe. I then decide to express my gratitude for being assisted by many individuals with very supportive insights by me equally sharing my perspectives and realisations with others so that the network of support will be able to expand much more and that we will be able to solve the problems of this existence as fast as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live only on public social support money and by doing some occasional work for my father due to believe that there is so much that I must yet learn before I will be able to assist others with sharing useful information and that I must not waste my precious time by doing some job or additional business activities just to get a bit more money. I realise that with what I have became aware of so far I have the potential to assist others greatly and that I can easily turn my helpful activities into business where all my needs will be more than covered. I commit myself to when and as I think about assisting others in a professional way and my mind tries to shut me down with thoughts like: “There is already so many information about everything available via books and internet that it is absolutely no point in adding anything to this already too overwhelming body of information!” to stop and breathe. I then decide to slow down, structure my approach and be as useful as possible for the whole humanity by actively moving in this reality and assisting others as much as I feel that I am capable of.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Sins of the Fathers from Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.