I have already written a lot about my relationship with females. And the pain in my right testicle that reoccurred yesterday after a very long time is showing me that it is time to look deeply into this point again. I can already conclude that the reaction of the body is the result of my increased communication with three women in recent days. That triggered a lot of thinking about the possibilities of a relationship with any of them and how would it influence my life. In such relationships, I find things that attract me and things that I do not like. And it is also about the prediction of how my life would change according to my observation of other people that entered relationships and experiences in my past relationships with women. The major decision here is whether to have kids or not at my current age and the habit of living alone.
The first thing is that I do not have a strong desire and mission to be a father in terms of having my own human offspring. I could say that the primary reason for that is that I do not identify myself very much with the physical body that I am incarnated in. While some consider their own children as part or extension of themselves, I see kids pretty much as separate beings. I see how kids in the first months and years after they are born need a lot of attention and would redirect the attention from what I am currently doing. And since I am making myself as useful as possible to make this world the best place for all I wonder if having children would significantly decrease my ability to function in such ways. So currently I am functioning more from a position of a holly father meaning that I treat every living being in existence as one and equal, as part of me or as my children. So from the position of awareness that all that can exists is me, I am primarily a father to my creation as one and equal. From that perspective, I have no desire or need to replicate myself even more or to create additional parts of myself in separation from myself. I enjoy solitude and simple life where I can rest and relax any time I desire. So I see any relationship with a woman as something that would create a disturbance of my peaceful life.
Some would argue that it is important for every real man to create a family. Some try to show how it is possible to be a father to human children and at the same time create a relationship with own children from the perspective of oneness and equality. Yet I see that this is only possible if there are certain preconditions existing, where one has a certain kind of mind, ability, and motivation to be a good provider. And also the environment with a lot of economic opportunities plays a role in that. So my current position and location, my past, my structural resonance, my physical environment, and also the current global pandemic are far from ideal parameters for me to engage in a role of a human father. I however am active at a project that is expected to manifest a system that will remove the lack of any basic necessities and then I would definitely reconsider experiencing myself in raising a human child.
There certainly are temptations in regards to women since I am experiencing myself in a male human body that has been programmed to respond to the opposite sex. Sensations such as the experience of orgasm and physical touch definitely create thoughts and imaginations of how it would be if I had sex with a woman again. However, I also see how any sexual act with a female would then create a bond that deepens with every additional sexual act. That can then trigger things as possessive relationship, jealousy and all kinds of drama that I definitely do not want. So I would certainly be up for a relationship with a woman that treats me as one an equal, that is emotionally stable, that possesses a high level of common sense, and that fully trusts me and never suspects me of anything that I actually have not done. Interestingly I have not met such a woman yet and all that cross my path are far from such ideal.
But then since all are part of me and if I see some woman in a struggle, I of course definitely want to assist her the best way I can. This especially goes for the females that live in my physical proximity and that are my good friends and colleagues. I understand their struggles and support them with listening, counseling, and coaching. With any of those females, I imagine how a relationship with them would be since some have engaged in a conscious relationship with men for the purpose of supporting each other to grow and expand. However after being in two relationships that later three years, I know how slowly people change, and if both are not fully committed to removing all points of separation, the conflicts occur on a regular basis. So I definitely do not want to compromise myself again by entering into a relationship with a woman that just wants to stay as she is, unless if she has already sufficiently become whole and gained high self-awareness.
From how I understand that women function they are much more emotional and internalize all experiences, especially sex. After all their bodies play the role of soil where new life grows. Men are much freer since they just eject seed and there is no much consequence of sex on their physical bodies. However, the woman can become pregnant which results in a massive bodily transformation that takes 9 months, and then they are also responsible to feed the baby with their milk for months and years. So it is logical that women treat sexual intercourse much differently than men. They also had to suffer monthly menstruation pain and bleeding and have constantly count the number of remaining eggs. And I see that women have also a stronger drive to experience themselves as birthing and raising babies.
In an ideal world, I would definitely like to see a system implemented that would secure the safety of survival and excellent health for women and men so that both parents could fully dedicate themselves to raise kids at least for the first key 7 years of their offspring childhood. It is definitely my vision and mission to create such a world and hopefully, it will happen sooner than later. Actually, my desire is for all living beings to co-exist in harmony and abundance. However, I am aware that I am just one of the billions of beings in existence and that I have a limited capacity of transforming this world into the best place for all. So in order to make the best use of my abilities and to leverage all my potentials with utmost effect, I must carefully select what to focus on.
I have assisted the women that I have been in an intimate relationship with, women that I became friends with, and women that live and have lived in my close proximity. I spent a lot of time talking with them on the phone and during long walks and all of them did make some progress. And I also gained new perspectives by listening to their struggles and attempts to break free from their addictions and obsessions. However, all had so strong and deep patterns that it was impossible for me to imagine being with them in a long-term relationship. I realized that I would compromise myself if I would persist in wanting to save them regardless of the costs. I discovered that also I have a lot of limiting points to transform within myself and that the most important thing is to take enough time in order to work on my own personal process of transformation.
Within this, the main challenge for me is defining my relationship to my male human physical body. Because I see how it wants to express itself sexually and produce offspring. The question is how to make a deal with it in order for it not to feel sexually suppressed and to make it consider all the perspectives that my decisions are based on. And I also need to question to what extent limiting my sexual intercourses with women is based on my suppression of myself as a being and to what level I am justifying my current limitations as an excuse for my decision to live a life of solitude and dedication to a higher purpose. It definitely is a challenge to actually make any decision about anything since once a decision is made, a new outflow of events for the whole existence is being set.
Thus it all boils down to a question of how much to care about anything in existence. One extreme is to care about everything and everyone and to be careful not to even kill the tiniest insect if possible. And the other extreme is to not give a fuck about anything considering that existence is a constant interchange of creation and destruction. So there would be no use to create an attachment to anything physical since it will eventually be destroyed. And since I somehow have entered this physical human body and I am not able to simply leave it and go somewhere else, I am faced with decisions on how to best endure until its expiry date. It is a strange game that I as the creator, creation and the created am playing with myself however it looks like that there is no way out but to take full self-responsibility for what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me to ignore the sexual attraction of my human physical body towards the females and to not direct it towards setting a clear and exact relationship between my body and the bodies of the females. I realize that there is no such thing as a wrong or right decision and that there are only consequences and the turmoil of not being decisive instead of directing every single part of myself based on the principle of what is best for all life. I commit myself to when and as I am faced with many options to take enough time to compare what might the outflow of events be and then to make an informed decision without looking back ever again or worrying that I made a wrong turn.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when and as I see a female physical body to blame it as responsible for the creation of the attraction due to projection of my own sexual desires and addiction to the orgasmic sexual experience. I realize that women are equal beings that face their own challenges related to their own body and sexual system that can be equally triggered by me as a male and they could equally blame me for simply just existing as a male. I commit myself to when and as I meet any human regardless the sex and my mind would analyze them as potential sexual partners, to stop and breathe. I rather consider them as one and equal with all their conditions that are connected to their human and non-human experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to blame destiny for bringing a specific type of woman into my proximity and to see the woman mostly as a burden for men since men need to provide for them at least during the sensitive months of pregnancy and early childhood of the newborn kids. I realize that such a perspective is a projection of my own inability to better provide for myself and to generate more money. I commit myself to improve my self-care so that I would be able to comfortably potentially enter into a relationship with a woman without having to worry about money issues.
Suggested related educational Eqafe audios:
Relationship Success Support with Agreements
The Difference Between Male and Female Emotions
The Manifested Dimensions of Conflict
The Emotional and Feeling Body System
Sex and Relationships in Existence
The Relationship between Sexuality and Money
Thanks for the blog Val
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