Day 187: Self-forgiveness on dating

These are my self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement as part of the process of self-perfection that I learned by walking the Desteni I Process courses in regard to my previous two blog posts about my experiences with dating again after several years of basically being single.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on dating to the level of me having almost no time to develop my business plans. I realize that I have used dating as a form of distraction in order not having to face all the necessary tasks that I need to do in order to make my new life coaching business moving. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You can postpone your business plans for now since your income is sufficient to get you through the next month!“ to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on my business first and develop a stable source of income and spend only my free time on dating activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as being able to apply my gathered knowledge and experiences in regards to self-perfections the best only if I engage in a  relationship with a woman. I realize that the only thing that I need to face my mind and release all the limiting patterns is myself and my self-honesty. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “It is more effective to walk the process of self-perfection when you are in a life relationship since the other person can assist you with a reflection of your mind patterns!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather focus on walking my process alone and only if I by any chance find a proper partner do I then establish an agreement with her to reflect and support each other as an additional form of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in a relationship with a woman who already has young children in order to express myself as a father and to apply my gathered knowledge about how children are best to be raised. I realize that there are also other options for me to be of service to society and that raising children is a path with quite limited reach and one of many options to influence humanity in a positive way. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Due to your current age it would be more suitable for you to pick a separated or widowed woman with young kids and assist her with raising her children!” to stop and breathe. I decide to rather research all the options like creating online webinars or courses where I can have even greater impact on society and also earn money with it.

Related supportive Eqafe audios:
I Fear Missing out
Avoidance: Face Yourself
High Expectations for my Child's Future
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
Stay at Home Mom
What do You Want for Your Child?
The Product of a Sheltered Life

Day 186: The role of beauty in online dating

I wrote in my previous post about a woman that I started to date online and after I met her in person I decided that we would not be a great match. After that, I continued with online dating and connected with a quite unusual profile. I usually do not send messages to profiles where I suspect that photos are fake and I completely ignore profiles without even one photo. When I stumbled upon this profile, it had a photo of a smiling girl with long blond hair however it was in a very low resolution which already made me suspicious. I later made a reverse online search of the profile photo and it returned two results, one connected to a profile of some kind of adult service industry so I concluded that it is probably fake. The profile name was similar to one of Hollywood movies which were in a way quite creative. And she described herself with words in her profile as a very attractive beautiful woman that definitely has no problem getting someone for sex however she wants to find a romantic man that would be a good friend for her with the potential of becoming a long-term partner.

That description definitely made sense to me since I have also researched the point about the existence of physical attraction and beauty in the past and produced a vlog in the Slovenian language. So equally to how some have problems with feeling unattractive and struggling to connect with others, some have the opposite challenge due to just the shape of their physical body experiencing too much of attention from others. And I know that it is very common that such women get hit intensely by men who then show to be very jealous and possessive towards them which creates a lot of conflict and pain in a relationship. However, I have never been jealous in regards to my girlfriends and have imagined how I would actually be a good partner for very attractive women since I would treat them as equals, as who they are as a being, seeing them beyond the mask from flesh and bones. Actually, I had experience with some girl that fit this description quite good, we were partners at Kriya Tantra class for two years, we tried to become also life partners but proved that she was extremely emotionally reactive so we parted.

So I was very pleasantly surprised that this blond woman wrote back to me at the dating website and said that based on my profile it seems that I am the only normal man there. We started to communicate firstly via the chat function at the dating website and then soon transitioned to texting via the Viber app. Also there she had a different picture of a woman with blond hair but with a completely blurred face and a profile name of some animal species. She herself even suggested that I am definitely wondering why she has her face blurred and why she is hiding her actual looks however that was in fact not very important for me at that time. For the first couple of days during the week, she was quite busy with work and had not a lot of time to communicate with me. However, during the weekend, she spent time relaxing at her mountain cottage and we exchanged a lot of information.

It looked very promising at the beginning and I was surprised about her ability her wide perspective about the global events and deep understanding of life. I discovered that not many people with good looks develop into intellectuals since their physical attraction is what they mostly use to get what they want in their lives. Thus I enjoyed very much communicating with this blond woman and sharing a lot of supportive information and resources that I stumble upon since I am walking on the path of self-perfection. She said that her father is very into spirituality, aliens, the afterlife and global politics so it made sense that she is also quite open about it. After I asked her if she also has a Facebook profile she said yes, however, that it is also a fake one and used only to check other profiles there.

Eventually, she expressed her thoughts about also started to communicate via the phone or possibly even meeting face to face. However she immediately also said that she fears that after I hear or see her that could change our relationship. Days went by and we still just continued with texting. Soon she again became busy with work and explained how she frequently has to relax by going to a spa or to have a retreat in the mountains. She never expands what she actually does for her business however she did say she is freelancing and managing some business projects that require her to also travel abroad often. That she lived in the USA for some time but then decided to return back to Slovenia. Here she has her own apartment but uses it also as a retreat and never invites any man to spend the night there with her.

Then another woman also contacted me via the dating website and she had some photos which pointed out that she has more courage about showing her face and body. We also started to text firstly there, transitioned to Messanger soon and then we already had our very long voice conversation. I wanted to be open about that and informed the blond girl that I have started to communicate with another girl. Because of my purpose with dating actually is finding a life partner and I am not interested in just chatting for hours and hours with someone who wants to be anonymous. So I asked the blond girl if what she thinks about also ourselves having a phone conversation or meeting live. Surprisingly she soon after that responded that she wants to end communicating with me since I hurt her feelings a day before by suggesting her to see if possibly she has OCD since she also explained how she is disinfecting objects that she uses on a regular basis in order to kill all the bacteria.

That was quite surprising for me since I imagined that based on her level of awareness she would by now know that each of us is responsible for our emotional reactions and accusing others to be the cause of how we feel in the act of projection and self-dishonesty. I wrote her back with my perspective on the situation however the message at this moment still shows as being unread and it seems like she blocked me on Viber. I can just guess what actually influenced her to stop communicating with me. I see that it could be a point of jealousy due to the start of talking to a new girl, her own fears of exposing herself to others, her work-related stress, and she also mentioned how she is looking for a more influential and powerful man and I currently really do not fit that description. I think she was not fit for my desired form of a relationship where partners treat each other as equals and wanted someone different.

Additional related supportive educational audios:
Escaping from the Harshness of Reality into the Beauty of Nature
You are Gorgeous
Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover
War of Women
Appearances Aren't Everything
Warped Self Image
Appearances
The Consciousness of the Peacock

Day 185: Visiting native part of my country

Several days ago I visited part of our Slovenia country where I lived before for many years and where most of my closest relatives live. I am not sure how many years ago I was there last time but I guess it must be around 10 years. My brother lives there with his wife and two daughters that have recently completed primary education and my father lives there with my stepmother. I have not communicated with my brother and his family due to resentment from his side and his character of constantly hurrying and presenting himself as not having enough time. I did meet my father several times when he came to my current town for his work purposes and we are in touch several times per month via Skype when he wants me to do some graphic design, pre-press and photo/video editing for him. I have been wondering when and for what reason to visit that part of the country again, do I actually have any homesickness at all or am I simply able to make myself feel at home wherever I currently live.

A couple of weeks ago I started to engage in online dating again. In that process, I also connected with a 41 years old girl who has a 10 years old son. I liked the picture of her face and her description except for the fact that she was a smoker. We started to have a text chat via Facebook, then a couple of long phone calls, a Skype video call and we connected very well. She is in the process of divorcing her controlling and abusive husband and wanted to move to her own apartment that she wants to buy. She wants to move out of her current apartment, owned by her husband and to buy her own apartment. However, she wants to stay in the same area so that her son can continue visiting the same primary school. She even asked me if I want to have my own children since her desire was to in the next year or two to experience having another child. I definitely imagined myself being a father and how I would move back to my native area of the country. So we set a date when I was to visit her.

I called my father a day before the planned visit if he knows where I can spend two nights in his areas since I will be visiting a girl that works for full days and she is off every second day so that we can be together for two whole days before I return back home. I was surprised to hear from him that she is just back from the hospital where he spent 3 days in a come. I wondered why no one from my relatives calls me and informed me about that. However, my father said that it is just fine if I can spend the nights on the couch at his basement workshop. That was just fine with me and I was looking forward to meeting him and my stepmother after a very long time. I called the girl that I was dating that I will be arriving the next day however I will be firstly checking my father due to his medical emergency.

It was a Sunday morning at 5:30 a.m. when I woke up and start preparing myself for departure at 1.5 hours later. I already prepared most of the things that I expected to need in the next 3 days however I managed to actually depart only at 7:30 a.m. due to the decision to pack some more things. It was very foggy weather and it took me about 2 hours with my car to arrive at the destination. I was firstly greeted by my stepmother and then I went to spoke to my father who was still very weak and rested in his bed. I find out that he was not actually in a complete come during his stay at the hospital but just very sick so he slept most of the time. He and my stepmother got ill at the same time however she got well quite fast while his condiction became worse. So much that he collapses on the floor when he wanted to return from the bathroom and she called my brother who then called a doctor and he then ordered an ambulance. There was even a danger of my father dying if he would not be assisted in a timely manner.

After a lunch that my stepmother prepared it was time to meet with my date. She gave me the address of where to pick her up. When I met her face looked much more exhausting than I expected and her handshake was very week. She just received a period and complained about the headache. Despite this, we decided to go for a walk around the Bled lake that takes about 2 hours to complete. She started to explain the problems in the relationship with his husband and how she got addicted to smoking and pain-killers, how her eyesight deteriorated, how she has a problem with her stomach and minor problems with her lungs. She has been looking for a place to move for over 6 months with no success and she also wants to change jobs since her current boss is also very abusive. During the walk around the lake, we also had a drink at a restaurant in the middle and had a byte at a pizzeria when we completed the full circle.

Considering that she is not even divorced completely and her emotional state I suggested her to first take care of her affairs, to move to her own apartment, find a better job and to improve her emotional end physical health. I did not consider appropriate to continue dating her since also due to distance this would represent too much stress for myself. And my current situation is also such that I am developing my new business services and have to invest a lot of my time and energy in that. So I took her back to her place with my car and we decided to only be friends for now. After I arrived at my father's place I also send her a link to free online DIP Lite course so that she can assist supporting herself with the help of experienced live buddies. And I decided to not wait for one day and to meet her for another day when she will be off work since the connection was not like I wished for.

The next day I had breakfast with my stepmother. After that, I went to visit my father's colleague that he wanted to meet him since he supposedly needed my photography and graphic design services. I already called him the day before to schedule the hour of my arrival. When I got there he took me through all of his woodwork workshops and then he showed me his extensive collection of antiques since he is in a final stage to open a private museum. We then went to his kitchen and had a very long talk. He showed me the photos that he took of his collection and what for of a folded pamphlet would he like. However, it turned out that he actually did not need my services and he already talked to a nearby printer to finalize the pamphlet for him. My father also made some models of what was his suggestion for the pamphlet however he did it in his usual intrusive and his colleague did not like that at all.

After that, I also visited my brother despite the suggestion of my father to leave him alone since he is very busy with his work and is in conflict with his neighbor. When I arrived at his workshop I gave him a call and asked him if now is the appropriate time for me to meet him. He opened the door and we had a chat while he was still doing some work on his computer and digital printing machines. Very soon he started to express his resentment for me moving out of the house without consulting him about that and how he felt left behind. And then how he resented me for telling his wife that I have doubts two of them being compatible. I also shared my perspective about that which was very different from how he experience past events. During the conversation with him, I found it very odd that my body has been shivering and I was not able to stop it despite my conscious effort to have a relaxed and equal talk with my brother as equals. After about an hour of talking, he said that he must take his younger daughter to a nearby city and buy something at a mall and that he will call me when we return for us to continue the conversations.

So I went to my father's place to pack my things. He asked me if his young co-worker that purchased a Bled Castle Mediaeval Printshop from him can go with me since he has to fetch his repaired van from a mechanic near the city where I live. I agreed and was looking forward to exchanging recent experiences with him during the trip. Then my brother called me and I went back to his place to continue the chat. He expressed concerns about what my desires would be in regards to inheritance in case if our father dies and that he is interested in keeping our father's apartment for his older daughter. And it was also not clear what will happen with or father's home museum of print and paper. However, we did not have the time to come to any agreement about that since it was already time for me to depart.

During the trip back to my current home area that took two hours I had a long conversation with my father's young co-worker. What I found out was that he had no interest in taking over my father's museum and that he might only be interested to buy the handmade paper production tools from him. What he suggested was to keep the museum as it is so that groups of people can come to see it and that my father already proved that there is no interest from any individual or organization to relocate it to a more proper place. And we also talked about our private lives during the drive in the dark and foggy weather. After I have dropped him at his mechanic, we had a one-hour talk with the mechanic and his wife since they were good friends of my father and I visited them for the first time. Finally, I continued the trip to my home an hour before midnight.

What I concluded is that my brother has established his business well in these past years and he does not need to worry about the orders and negotiate the prices anymore. His daughters are becoming independent and he is looking at how to invest his profits and available time so that closest family members will have most of the future interests met. So I plan to continue the conversation with him and then see what kind of agreement we will able to establish for ourselves.

Related suggested Eqafe education audios:
Emotional Relationships
The Dependence of Independency
A Martyr for my Brother
Life Review of a Dependent Personality
When Your Old Life Holds You Back
Despite My Best Intentions

Day 184: Body pain, sex and relationships

Several days after I wrote my last blog post where I actually decided to remain single and not ger involved in dating, I started to doubt if that is actually the best decision for me. I wondered if being single is something that is for me supportive or is a result of staying in my comfort zone and protecting my limitations. I have been asking myself is it a desire for sex something natural to myself and something that I want and need to express in order to stay healthy or is only a pre-programmed system that is just distracting me. I listened again to all of the supportive audios that I listed at the end of my previous blog post titled To Have Children, Or Not that explained that desire to have children is a program on a physical DNA level as the survival mechanism of the human body. And that it is driving us towards having children as soon as possible in order to continue its existence. Based on that I have started to wonder if I should take this desire of my physical body into consideration and become a father and what would it take from me to manifest this. I imagined myself in a position where my life it this body would come to an and end if I would have any regrets if I decided not to have any children.

For several days that followed, I have lived with a decision that remaining single is something that I am just comfortable with. I simply enjoyed the peace and freedom of having the whole apartment just for myself and feeling relief after my conflictual female flatmate moved out a couple of months ago. However, I wondered why there is a slight inflammatory pain persisting in my right scrotum. That pain strongly activated for the first time after my ex-flatmate became very nasty towards me. And I was not yet able to define clearly what that pain represents. I perceived it as an expression of the sadness of my physical body for being rejected by females and thus not being able to reproduce. Or better to say the expression off frustration due to the mind-consciousness system of my ex-flatmate to prevent her to enjoy the physical intimacy with my physical body without any fear and projection of blame. Consequently, I expected that after she moves out the pain of my scrotum would dissipate as there would be no more female in my proximity that would trigger such response. Since the pain did not disappear completely I wondered if my that is actually my body telling me that it craves sex and that if I continue to ignore that warning, it might develop into cancer or a tumor.

So the fear of negative health consequences and the possibility of regret that I wasted my life potential of having my own children resulted in a feeling of sadness and loneliness that I wanted to resolve. That lead me to a decision to reengage in dating. I started to think about what kind of partner do I want, how would I find the best mate to have children with and what ways of searching should I apply. I refreshed my previous online dating profile, browsed the Facebook profiles and also started to observe the females at the shopping malls and other outside areas. What I noticed that I found very little females that attracted me visually and that fit my preferences. I observed myself how by looking at the face of a person I am able to identify their expression, personality, and character. So I was seeking a very female with very specific traits since I do not want to be with someone who is using their emotions or looks to manipulate me and compromise myself in any way. I was open only to a mature, responsible and self-realized individual that would consider me as an equal and would want a mutually supportive relationship.

I found that the girls that I found the most attractive were already in a relationship or had kids with previous relationships. And by attractive I do not mean by general beauty standards of society since I prefer natural-looking girls with short nails, without makeup and wearing flat shoes. I wondered how much time shall I invest in dating and what compromises shall I allow because I doubt that I would be able to find just THE one that would be perfect in all perspectives. For example, Filipino girls are known to be sincere, drama-free and caring however they are also much shorter, however, they pretty much expect the man to be the main provider. And there is also the question of mixing the races, cultures and having to learn a new language. Nevertheless, by browsing thousands of online profiles and liking many dozens of those that I found to be perspective, only one girl replied so far. I am not sure how many hours should I additionally invest in online dating and how long shall I wait with hopes that those that I liked will respond. There have also been a lot of other girls who liked my profile however none of them has been something that fits my basic criteria.

An additional concern is that I am currently developing my new business services and dating took a lot of time and attention away from it. So I have been wondering if focusing on dating is possibly not just something that I am distracting myself in order to postpone having to face all that is necessary for my business to start creating a sufficient income for myself. My justification was that I am not very determined about what I actually want to do to provide for my needs. I can see myself just comfortable with a girl who has their own business and I would support her at that. This is why I also wrote a letter 3 days ago to a girl that I know from before and has a company that publishes books for personal development and I am awaiting her response. Basically, I would prefer if some girl would pick me based on my character and skills and incorporate me in her life in such a way that I would be living a drama-free life and have my basic needs met. Yet such a scenario is very rare since it is a custom for the men to pick girls and provide for them and not the way around.

Now the main reason why I actually decided to write this blog post is that I am having a pain in the most lower back region that emerged around the time when I re-engaged in dating and has been persisting ever since. From the Desteni article and related Eqafe audios, I learned that the lower back pain is a resonant consequence of giving away personal power. Already just after I read the article and listened to the audios, I felt significant relief in my lower back. And they assisted me while writing this blog post to narrow the array of possible causes for such pain. I am now going to write also additional self-forgiveness and corrective statements to release the underlying mind patterns with even greater effect:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by the pain in my scrotum my body is telling me that it needs sexual intercourse with a woman or even to reproduce itself by making any female body pregnant. I realize that I actually did not do sufficient research to identify the true cause for the pain which I assume is rather connected to my response based on the recent experience with my ex-flatmate. I commit myself to when and as I experience any pain to slow down, take time, do the necessary research and ask others for their perspective in order to remove the actual cause of the pain. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my human physical body can not stay healthy if it does not have regular sexual intercourse with a female. I realize that sexual intercourse is actually only necessary for the purpose of conceiving a child and that urge for sex without actually wanting a child originates from the sex system that the mind-consciousness system uses to rejuvenate itself by extraction of the physical body energy during the act of sex. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have not had sex in so much time so you urgently need to find yourself a sex partner in order to stay healthy!” to stop, breathe and look at what are all the contributory factors that triggered a sexual urge in myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am wasting my life by not having children and that as a man I am a loser for not spreading my genes wide. I realize that having children is optional and that some life paths result in having children and some not for a multitude of reasons. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at your younger brother that has produced two daughters and you will be a loser if you do not have any children of your own”! to stop and breathe. I then rather look at my tendency to compare myself and compete with my brother and other men and realize that my life can be equally valuable as of those who have children of their own because we all express in different ways and all decisions have a reason. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am not interesting enough for other women since almost none of them contacted me via the social networks and online dating websites where I have had a profile for many years. I realize that I actually have had not a very strong desire to be in a relationship and that many female friends reported to me how they are swamped with the messages of men thus rarely do they even think of messaging men based on their own initiative. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Since almost no women messaged you about dating in the last years you are not attractive enough so there is no point in continuing of online dating activities” to stop and breathe. I then rather define more clearly what I want in a potential relationship and become more proactive in dating since success in all sorts of cases in the result of focus, persistence, and repetition.

Additional suggested related support audios to listen:
Overwhelmed with Sexual Fantasies
Relationship Fantasies
Fear of Commitment
Sexual Attraction
Sexual Desires
Natural Sexual Expression
Suppressed Sexual Fantasies
Sex and Relationships in Existence
My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind

Day 183: Sexual relationship and reproduction

Recently I have been wondering about my intimate relationships. It has been 7 years since I broke up with my last girlfriend after 3 years of living together. I only had sex with another female about one year after that however for the last 6 years I had no sexual intercourse with any women. Until a couple of months ago I have been in regular contact with a girl who first moved into our apartment building with her boyfriend. About a year ago they broke up and she became my flatmate. We were researching an option to become a couple however she terribly feared to become pregnant so we never had sexual intercourse. That kind of relationship was not very pleasant since there was a sexual attraction between two of us however her fear and projections of past negative experiences that were mostly copied from her mother who has been sexually abused was something that she was unable to free herself from. It was nice not to live alone however her increased outbursts of anger, blame, and even some slight physical abuse slowly became unbearable for me. Eventually, the landlord ordered her to move out and I again rented the whole apartment for myself.

In the past years, I have looked deeply into my relationship patterns that resulted in attracting females that were far from emotionally balanced. I realized how I coped behavior patterns from my parents, especially my father where I wanted to be in a role of a savior however also had a belittling attitude towards women as the result of my superiority tendency. I transformed that pattern to the point where I no longer am seeking nor accepting to be in a relationship where I will allow myself to abuse others, note do I allow anymore to abuse me. The only kind of relationship that I am willing to be in is where mutual respect and equality will be applied at all times.

For as long as I remember being in a relationship with a woman was not my priority. I already wrote about how the greatest satisfaction in my current life is to be of service to my father. Meaning that whenever he calls me to be available for him immediately or as soon as possible and to produce graphic designs or do anything else that he desires. And my second priority is to enjoy a peaceful life where I can continue focusing on self-perfection and research the secrets of how the whole existence functions. After that and only occasionally I find myself imagining how great would be to engage in sex with a young attractive woman.

My motivation for sex is enjoyment in touch and the smell of women and pleasuring each other until the point of achieving an orgasm. However sexual intercourse can also result in pregnancy and all the related obligations to care for a child for at least 18 years and bear legal consequences for their actions. I also have considered being a father for the purpose of raising a human being that would be an example of a responsible and very capable member of society. However, I would be prepared to have kids only with a very emotionally stable and responsible woman and I have not met any female that fits such criteria.

Many have children for the purpose of showing off in front of others or to try to compensate by them for things they lacked to have or experienced in their life or to continue a bloodline in order to strategically achieve some big international agenda. So it is mostly a projected motivation of self-centered starting point. I, on the other hand, have already enough work with facing my own mind and clearing all the self-deceptions that created pain and conflict in my past life. I see having a child as a potential to assist a process of self-reflection however it can also be a distraction from taking time to look inside of self and correct all the points of separation.

I thus wonder if it is worth to engage in a relationship with someone else in order to have a sexual partner and risk complicating life or to just stay satisfied with pleasuring myself when I have the desire to experience an orgasm. Basically, I see the sex system as a big distraction and something that diminishes my mental abilities. I would so much prefer for humans to be more like the animal and have sex only when deciding to have children and also at such occasion to carefully pick the most compatible partner so that the kids would be healthy and strong. Because now our children are more reproductions of the minds and proof of devolution in terms of physical bodies.

So I am out there on many of the online dating networks and I dare some women that fit my criteria to contact me. I am giving enough opportunities for those who seek a partner like me to find me and I also am liking the profiles of girls that I like. The time will show whether I am destined to connect with anybody that is equally seeking a very deep and honest relationship or if in this life I am to stay single, yet fulfilled more than most of the males who are in superficial relationships.

Related supportive audios:
Self-Honesty in your Relationship with Yourself
Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse
I Fear Missing out
Sins of the Fathers
You Create Your Child's World
Family Planning
I Kept it All in
To Have Children, Or Not
When Your Self and Life Are Off Course

Day 182: Al-one and One-ness

During the process of self-realization, I have been aligning myself with the principle of oneness and equality. I comprehend this principle as the fact that existence is one (singular) and consequently, everything that exists is part of the existence and connected to it. Thus any sensation that perceives any part of existence as separate (unconnected) to the totality of existence is an illusion of separation. Thus also I who is perceiving my human physical body as something separate in this physical existence am also under the influence of such illusion. Before I came to that realization I have been driven by the illusional character of someone that needs to constantly impress others by discovering and sharing secret knowledge and information. However, the consequence of becoming self-aware that I can actually never exist as a manifestation of separation has been losing interest to do anything particular in order to protect my illusion of separation or to create even more illusional separate parts by having children of my own.

However, consciously using logic as the base for the realization that separation can in fact not exist has not resulted in also automatically removing the perception of separation via the senses of my human physical body. And I also do not have the ability to leave my human physical body by my own will. Sleeping does in a way temporarily disconnect me from the perception of being in the physical body however whenever I wake up I still find myself in it. Thus I am facing a decision about how to function in this physical world until the perception of me being in my current physical body ends for good. The main thing that I am occupying myself with is maintaining my awareness of oneness and equality in every single moment. Which practically means to stop any distraction of my mind in the form of thoughts end energetic reactions that tempt me into losing my awareness. And to also stop any influence by anything and anyone that I perceive as being outside of my human physical body and equally tempt me to persuade that separation is real.

Related Eqafe audios:
Inversion to Oneness with The Universe
You are me in another life
Purpose and Creation
My Relationship with Aloneness
Creator or Created
Individuality & Equality
Location of Existential Physical Process
It is Not About Oneness but About Living

Day 181: How my curiosity became superiority

I grew up in quite a supportive family environment where I was able to develop many physical and intellectual skills. My parents assured a pretty balanced life for me and my brother since we spent a lot of time hiking in nature, however, we also got to use a lot of different toys and the latest electronic devices. I enjoyed learning, discovering new things and experimenting. There were also some limiting factors of my over-protective father who was not skilled at showing emotions and had was not enough skilled in verbal communication. So instead of patiently verbalizing his thoughts, he used physical force to punish me and my brother if we did not obey him or produced some damage. That, of course, imprinted as traumatic experiences and resulted in resentment towards him. However, if I compare my childhood experiences with my classmates, they were much better than the experiences of others.

I see that my father tried to be the best parent that he could and was a very capable provider in terms of physical assets. He made a lot of innovations and has strived to excel at everything that he decided to be involved in. And everything that he provided for me I took for granted. He was proud of himself and also proud of my achievements. I can relate to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory in terms of how nerdy and unsocialized I was. Not really to the extent as in the TV series, but somewhat similar. I stood out in middle school because my father provided me with the best study accessories and even making a custom wooden suitcase to transport them. And I was so nerdy that I stayed in the computer classroom many hours after the class ended.

It is well known that children are naturally curious and they especially in the first 7 years learn things very fast. I see that my father provided me with an environment where I was able to expand myself to a great level. However, what I lacked was a balanced development of some other skills since I was not encouraged very much in the fields of arts, music, and social skills. I was not so much raised for the purpose of someday starting to function as an independent part of society and to treat everyone as equal. The priority was mostly about becoming superior to others so that my father could be proud of me. Or better to say so that he could be proud of himself by treating me and my achievements as the result of his contribution.

Thus being used to be praised by my father and his friends, I could not understand why my classmates did not treat me in the same way. Instead, ob receiving appraisals, they expressed their envy, hate and bullied me. I am only now starting to comprehend that it was because I actually did not care much for anyone else but for myself and about how to impress my father. Since my motivation was only to be superior to others, I also judged and criticized others in order to make them superior to myself. I have been very self-centered and evil to others. And even now, after all these years, I still have to make a great effort not to communicate with others from the point of superiority.

Striving towards perfection is still something that drives me to this day. I am attracted to discovering all the secrets of existence. Oddly creating a family or a stable income was not part of that perfection equation. I am justifying that by defining myself as me being the whole of existence and others being are part of me thus all are my children, brothers, and sisters. And no matter how much money and possession I got and how I make my living it does not matter since we are all one. However, that conscious definition does not yet reflect in my practical life. Since every time I have a tendency to impress others, to show my superiority and not to treat them as equal, I fail to apply the realization of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my curiosity to mostly those things that I can use to impress others, especially my father. I realize that doing things just to get attention and approval of others is conditioning myself to be in constant fear of others not liking what I research and do. I commit myself to when and as I stumble of some new information and my mind produces thoughts like: “You should research this because it will make you smarter in the eyes of others!” to stop and breathe. I then rather consider how many personal resources studying the information will take and to what extent I would by sharing such information be able to assist others without any self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel good and superior when and as I share any information with others. I realize that such positive feelings are the result of my internal conflict when and as I define myself and information that I possess as superior and others as inferior to me. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should share some very special information that they do not know yet about!” to stop and breathe. Instead of that I rather understand the context of the conversation, state of the mind of the people that I am communicating at that moment and then share information that actually is beneficial to at least someone of them while staying emotionally stable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when communicating with others to use advanced vocabulary and use the voice tonality of a superiority character. I realize that even with just using words that others can not completely understand and by using a specific tone, that I still communicate from a point of superiority and thus am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I communicate with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Use some very complex word and speak it with utmost self-confidence!” to stop and breathe. I then rather become one and equal with the ones I communicate with, use only the words that I am sure that they understand and keep a humble tone of voice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when wanting to solve some situation with someone to be bossy and to tell them what they should do. I realize that by just explaining my problems and demanding solutions I am creating resistance within others. I commit myself to when and as I have a situation to solve and my mind is producing thought like: “Just share your point of view and tell others what you see as the best solution that you see!” to stop and breathe. I then rather share my concerns, ask as many questions to understand the perspectives the best way possible and then support the solution that would be in the best interest of all.

Recommended online course and related audios:
Desteni I Process
The Elitist Mind
The Cure for Curiosity
Thirst for Knowledge
What I Thought Was Important
Great Expectations
Learning to Play Again
Facing yourself in the Face of Arguments
Redefining Humble & Considerate
Superiority of Ego vs. Superior Living of Self