Day 201: Lack of motivation to live my life fully

I have been reading, hearing, and watching stories of great success in the lives of others for many years. Stories about the people who were born as poor, who struggled with their low self-esteem, yet they then transformed their lives and become very successful and rich. I have been part of groups where they are teaching principles of success yet I wondered why somehow all that knowledge does not stick with me. Why does it simply not rub off and influence me into also becoming someone who develops my own business projects that generate a lot of money and why I have not created my own family?

In current times of the coronavirus feardemic, I am observing how confusion about what is actually going on is increasing. There are pressures to war mask and some are predicting forced vaccination, transition to use of only digital currencies, and implementation of a totalitarian state where everyone will constantly be tracked and monitored, like in China. And some fear that the 5G technology will be used to significantly depopulate the human race. These certainly are dangers that make living not very pleasant and many are becoming more and more depressed. Also, I am wondering what to do since the world is changing drastically and I have to make decisions about what to do in order to face all the challenges.

A few months ago I have started to work as a distributor of new learning technology. It is a high-ticket product and I have been wondering how successful I can be with selling it considering the current global economic situation. Distributors have been handed a presentation book that we use to explain to prospective clients the relationship between vocabulary and success in life. And I have also been using the tool for myself in order to rebuild and expand my own word treasure. I am each day spending at least one hour to progress with the integration of the word lists that are arranged by levels and correspond to the grades of the public education system.

Integrated word lists include many words that are familiar to me and also words that I have absolutely no clue what they mean. For each word, I check the definition in several dictionaries in order to learn every context of its use. This activity made me realize that some words have very little or just one definition and some have over 50 possible meanings in indifferent situations. It takes quite some time to progress with the integration of words and I wonder if it is worth investing so much time in learning words with such perfection. Because who knows how ofter if ever there will be an actual opportunity to read texts or to communicate all the words that am integrating by expressing all of their possible definitions.

Words are being used more frequently with some meanings and less frequent with other meanings. Existing words are being used in new ways and thus their definition list is being expanded. Some words are being used less in some contexts which makes them archaic and their definitions obsolete. And there are new words being created on a constant basis according to new discoveries, new technology, and other progress in human society. So languages are a living entity that perpetually transforms and thus mastering them is a neverending process. And that makes learning it a bit annoying when approaching it with a tendency to just learn it once and for all and check it permanently as done.

Actually, I came to realize that such an approach is the core reason why I lack motivation in my life. Because whenever I make a decision there is a need for me to determine the outflow of events and thus estimate if the decision is aligned with what my goals are. Yet even setting goals is something I actually am avoiding due to so many options available out there. And in that sense, there are possibilities that I currently am aware of and there are all of the endless options that I even can not imagine that are possible to be manifested. Besides that things and possibilities that currently do not physically exist can be also created if only I come with new ideas and then engage in action to turn them into something tangible.

Thus life is a constant process of discovering what exists, what has existed in the past, defining and making sense existence, looking for own position in existence, defining yourself, realizing your past, current, and future influence on the existence, deciding about your purpose, vision, and mission, engaging in actions, stopping and reflecting on self, loosing, searching and finding self again, remembering and forgetting, expanding and contracting, exhaling and inhaling, creating and destroying, and then doing it over and over again in the perpetual cycle since existence is one and it can be in no other way that constantly inverting itself. And this is also why a torus is its best geometrical representation.

When asking myself about what to do, there are two basic options. One is doing something where I influence the world outside myself and the other is doing something where I influence my inner world. I realized that for the most part of my life I wanted to influence the world outside myself, especially some members of my family due to my specific relationship with him. I got used to doing what that individual tells me what to do since I would then also get the things I wanted from him. And I was raised to be innovative and inquisitive in order to positively impress that man and others by presenting myself as someone how is more advanced than others.

Yet while excelling at things there was consistency and depth that were lacking. It was never about genuinely being attracted to doing something and then developing the skill to the level of high mastery in order to become a valuable expert who solves problems of other people. It was more about just craving for recognition from others and creating a superficial public image of someone who is worthy of being admired. Instead of experiencing a sustainable fulfillment by perfecting myself, I was hooked on short-term energetic experiences of good feelings created when others would praise me. Which consequently also created periods of feeling low, heavy, and tired as the energetic polarity. I realized that the only solution for myself is to priorities my own self-development in order to be able to truly excel in life. 

And when identifying what is the thing that I need to develop within myself in order to be more effective, I learned that it skills of self-expression and directing others through communication. I remember the storyline that came through when I did my first guided hypnotic regression to my first past life where I was in a female body. I got hanged by the crowd of peers who labeled me as impure after someone invading Wiking raped me. And I just let others hang me decided to remain silent due to losing hope in any kind of success by trying to convince them to change their anger-possessed minds by using words. And that is why I have been holding such deep sadness inside myself all these years since I did not see any way of how to make others comprehend and accept me as I am.

However, when progressing on my path of self-awareness I realized that a coin has two sides. While expecting from others to treat me nice and with compassion, I asked myself what was my attitude towards them. And I realized that I did actually care for others and their lives. I lacked the social skills and ability to see others as one and equal. My whole life was just about displaying myself better than others and wanting to be praised. No wonder I was often met by being judged by others since I have been doing exactly the same towards them. So I could say that it was myself that I am actually sad about since I did not develop the skills and awareness about how to live in this word effectively and to see others as part of myself. I have made a lot of improvement about that yet there is much more to do.

During introspection, I discovered that my communication skills are actually not so excellent as I perceived them to be. Sure I am able to read, speak, and write in Slovene and English language and I comprehend German and Croatian language well. Yet I realized I am lacking a lot of the basics knowledge about grammar and I could not even spell in English. Those poor foundations are what disabled me in being an effective communicator and to identify and correct mistakes in my writing and speaking. So I am now basically starting from scratch and learning every respect of what a language is and how to use it with utmost perfection. It is like I am with the age of 47 going into the first class of a primary school and discovering what is a verb, a noun, and other terms of linguistics.

I see that many adults who decide on a relationship and get their own children have the opportunity of reliving their primary school education experience while assisting their kids with their homework. Having kids is thus helpful for adults to refresh and improve their primary school knowledge, including core knowledge of the language. And since I do not have children of my own, I am disciplining myself to in a similar way rewalk my basic education since the public schools did a poor job of guaranteeing perfect integration of all subjects, leaving me inadequate in language, math, and many other skills. I am motivating myself on a daily basis to fill the holes in my core knowledge so that I will be able to stand and perform more confidently, with the ability to express myself with words and achieve my goals.

Recommended related educational audios from Eqafe:

Motivation
How Language Substantiates the Mind
The Nature of Words
Encoding Communication and Programming Relationships
We do not even See Ourselves
Mask of Innocence

Day 200: Increasing my capacity to care for others

In the past several weeks I experienced increased resistance to writing. One of the factors for that was my focus on doing business-related activities. Then what limited amount of remaining time in a day was my new commitment to rebuild and expand my English vocabulary by investing at least 1 hour per day doing that. Additionally to that my good friend asked me if I can help him to move. He sold his parent's house and bought a small farm with an old farm building. The new house owners wanted to have it emptied completely by the end the month so I assisted him with loading and transporting all the furniture and the rest of belongings to a new location or to a dump yard. During the time when he was the driver and I sat next to him, we had long talks about how to best educate children since he got a daughter that will soon become 1 year old. And we also talked about many other topics, like politics, since we both share the interest to improve the situation in this world via a peaceful democratic process. So after each day of assisting him, I also needed additional time to physically and mentally compose myself enough to return to my daily routine. 

I admired my friend that I assisted to move for his passion and commitment in regards to provide for his child and for his business vision. He invested the money from the sale of the house into a farm and a nearby organic orchard and wants to make a living as a fruit producer since he is also a vegan. Currently, he travels to work in nearby Austria since the salaries there are double comparing to Slovenia. And he arranged to work 10 hours each day so that he works only 4 days per week which allowed him to spend a full day more with his daughter and her mother. However, since he is aware of how crucial it is for parents to be there for their children in the first years after birth, he plans to quit the current job soon and focus fully on his farm and the family.

In regards to raising children in the best way possible, I have a lot of theoretical knowledge about that and I am looking for ways how to benefit others with it. From one perspective I would like to become a father however I do not like all that it takes in the current economic and educational system to deal with everything necessary to practically succeed in that perspective. As a child, I experienced a significant abundance of material things however there was a great lack of emotional stability and equal communication between my parents. I noticed how I have difficulties to move in terms of the business and money generation due to the inherited mind patterns and energetic addictions. So the ideal way for me to become a parent at the current state would be if I would be a stay-at-home dad and my wife would be taking care of the finances. 

However, just in case if some girl with a perfect business mind does not magically appear and want to have children with me, I am committed to continuing overcoming my current limitations and maybe even reach a state where I take care for the income and thus more confidently invite some female to create a family with me. So I am consistently pushing myself with doing as much of sales activities as possible and reading books and watching videos about how to become even more effective at sales.  

Related Eqafe interview:
All I wanted was to be Cared-for...

Day 199: Excitement about my new mission

During my last 20 years of the personal growth process, I have been constantly searching for a solution to impact the world positively. I initially started by offering personal counseling and therapy services to individuals. However, I realized that with one-on-one sessions I would be able to impact the lives of only a small number of individuals so I was searching for better solutions. I was looking for a way of how to multiply my limited time to support a much bigger number of people worldwide. I joined different groups of people where we were collaborating on different transformational projects. And the group that excites me the most after all of these years is called Desteni. 

The cool thing at the Desteni group is that they have created Desteni I Process series of online courses, including the DIP Lite free course that can support thousands of people around the globe. And this is also where I learned how to effectively transform my thinking and behavior patterns by applying a very specific witing like demonstrated in this blog. I have been sharing links to Desteni resources with great excitement for many years however I have recently become even more excited about another solution that I became a part of. It enables me to take care of the financial part of my life while transforming the lives of people in their core. And it is so very simple yet effective solution for global transformation that many can not even grasp how it is possible that it produces so powerful results. I have started to apply is also for myself on a daily basis and am being consistently educated about it on a weekly basis. Since I see such great potential in as many people using it as possible, I became highly driven to share it with everyone, especially to a specific group of people who can benefit the most from it.

That solution is motivating me to the level where I in recent days started to wake up naturally in the morning after sleeping only 6 hours or even less. For example, I woke up today at 4 am already and completely refreshed. I have realized that I have a limited time in this incarnation and want to use it as effectively to bring solutions to this world. I get up with great excitement about my new mission to empower people and invite them to also become a part of a global network of people who are dedicated to make this world the best place for all living beings. This mission also enables me to grow additionally since it gives me incentives to talk to other people. And talking to individuals that I do not know is something that many are not comfortable with. Parents usually tell their children that they should not talk to strangers and such belief is often transferred to the adult phase. Communicating with other people, especially via public speaking is one of the biggest fears that many have. And I have come a long way in recent years to transform it to the level where I am now very comfortable with speaking to anyone, even if I have never seen them before.

However, what I started to notices in regard to my new project is that I started to become restless due to a perception that time is very precious and limited. I can not even imagine how until recently I have been able to live a relatively relaxed life with having our personal basic needs met and moving only so much to additionally make some slow progress in terms of my life coaching services that I started to offer early in the year 2020. I was actually searching for something that I could do for the benefit of others however I felt the lack of motivation to develop my services to a proper level. I have been craving for some kind of collaboration with others where we would create a synergistic effect. I am part of some global groups where we communicate on a regular basis however only via the internet and mostly just by texting. And such collaborations have not been able to provide me also with a source of income for me so it was basically only a volunteering way of participation. And now I am part of a project that has great potential to also generate a lot of revenue for me and we are communicating and supporting each other in a much more intense way via weekly Zoom video meetings.

When one has found something very exciting there is a danger of creating an imbalance in daily life. And I have also started to see how I am getting restless and wanting to produce better results every single day. I am aware that when starting a new business one has to be very focused and dedicated in order to grow it to a sufficient level where it can be sustained with much less input of time and effort. And this is actually what I am good at since whenever I find something interesting, I dedicate myself to it fully and am very persistent with consistent movement towards achieving selected goals. I learned recently from a successful businessman that a crucial part of staying focused is a decision to say NO to a lot of things. In the early stage of life, it is good to say YES to lot of things in order to get many experiences and to thus find out what excites you the most and towards what you want to dedicate your life to. However the more you get experiences, to more things that distract you from your selected path you need to say NO. Highly successful people thus say NO to 99,99% of offers since they see the importance of staying laser-focused on directing themselves towards developing their own business.

I am now in a stage in my life where I have tried out many things and am have discovered what I want to dedicate my life to and have selected my life purpose. So when I got introduced to a project that I am now focusing on, it highly resonated with me. It excites me to the level where I now even have to be careful not to invest too much of my time in it and to prevent a burn-out. While I am highly driven to produce results, I also learned that I can not be effective in the long-run if I compromise my personal mental and physical health. I am now managing my daily schedule so that I have sufficient rest and fun time. Because yes, we all have a limited time yet all the existence is nothing but a game that I as part of a creator am playing with myself. And bullying myself by blowing the perception of urgency to act out of proportions would result only in compromising myself. 

Here are some fine related educational audios on that topic if you want to contemplate more about it:
Excitement series
Highs and Lows of our Experiences
Building Your Business series
Swept Away
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Excitement

Day 198: My 20 biggest fears

I have become a part of a group where I was given the challenge of writing down 20 of my biggest fears and writing the related self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements like I learned to do so by walking the awesome Desteni I Process online courses. I have already made a list using the spreadsheet app and here in my blog, I am now going to break them down and remove all the limiting believes that became a part of me and that create the friction between my mind and the physical reality at this moment that results in the creation of the energy called fear.

1. Fear of food shortages and people starting to fight for it.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about the possible shortages of food in the future due to the effects of the global shutdown of many economic activities. I realize that I can not know what will happen in the future and if such a shortage will not happen in my lifetime. I commit myself to stop any thinking about the negative future scenarios however also to do everything that is in my power to prepare myself for food shortage by having enough food stored to survive at least for several weeks.
   
   
2. Fear of dying and realizing how many things I have not realized while being in a human physical body.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to die instead of realizing that whenever I think of dying I do not allow myself to be present here and to actually live. I commit myself to in every single moment anchor my awareness by focusing on my breath and respond to every single situation breath by breath. And to live this life within the realization that my current physical body is just a temporary vessel for my expression that I will exit when the time for that comes.
   
   
3. Fear of forced vaccinations that can result in a decrease in my health.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vaccinated without my consent and that the vaccine will have a negative effect on my health. I realize that I can not know what a specific vaccine that would be injected into my physical body will consist of. I commit myself when and as the moment comes when I will be forcefully vaccinated to use my ability to prevent any emotional reaction to it and thus lower its negative influence to a minimum.
   
   
4. Fear of only digital currency being on disposal to use and someone taking away all my currency.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the government will remove the cash from circulation and that only digital currencies will be available and thinking that that would increase the danger of others taking away my currencies very easily in a moment. I realize that despite currently cash still being available I actually like the comfortability of paying with digital currencies, preferably just by using my smartphone and thus not needing to walk around with a heavy bulky wallet filled with paper and coins. I commit myself to whatever happens in the future in terms of means of exchange to keep my focus on my breath and find solutions for myself to be able to survive and do business with others.
   
   
5. Fear of having a toothache and being forced to get my COVID-19 test before being allowed to visit the dentist.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I will have to go through the current protocol of having to first go into a COVID-19 doctor's office to be tested for the new coronavirus before I will be allowed to visit a dentist. I realize that when and as I actually need to go to a dentist to call all the holistic dentists and ask them if they require me to be tested for the coronavirus. I commit myself not to think about the things that are actually not relevant for my current needs and to focus on things that currently matter while focusing on my breath and remaining here.
   
   
6. Fear of implementation of 5G network and is being used to make me less able or even killing me.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the implementation of the 5G technology will be able to be used to limit my mental and physical capabilities or even to kill me if some would declare me as a threat to the system of social control. I realize that I can not be sure what the 5G actually is and what influence will have to human physical bodies, and specifically to mine since we all have different predispositions and genetic structure. I commit myself to in the case of 5G implementation, to observe the possible influences of such technology to my mind and physical body, and to then only respond in order to remediate any negative effects.
   
   
7. Fear of being forcefully chipped and having access to food and currency only if I am chipped.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone will insert a chip into my body without my consent and that I will then be tracked all the time or prevented access to food or currency in case if I do not obey the controllers. I realize that I do not know if such an event will actually take place and what kind of chips might be used. I commit myself to stop thinking about such negative possible scenarios since while I spend the time in my mind creating such images, I miss being here in reality and am thus wasting my potentials to create solutions that are best for all.
   
   
8. Fear of my landlord knocking on my doors and starting to yell at me.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my landlord will knock on my door and demanding things from me by yelling and projecting negative emotions onto me. I realize that while that might happen and I could experience the discomfort of such emotional relationship, I am able to direct such event with calming the situation down, explaining my current state, comprehend the needs and find a solution that would be best for me and the landlord in the short and long term.
   
   
9. Fear of being forced to accept to start living with a new flatmate.
   I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that the landlord could insist on me moving into another part of the flat and to accept a flatmate. I realize that I am able to communicate with my landlord in order to achieve an agreement where I do not get a new flatmate and that I am projecting negative experiences of living with my previous flatmate that was very disturbing onto the imagination of the possible new flatmate. I commit myself to stop any thoughts and imaginations about the possible new flatmate and direct myself aligned to what is actually here in this moment.
   
   
10. Fear of my car breaking down and not being able to execute distant personal meetings.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my car would break down and that I will become less mobile which would decrease my ability to execute business-related activities. I realize that my car currently runs well and in case if some part of it breaks, I am able to get it repaired in a reasonable time. I commit myself to stop thinking about what in regards to things I possess or use might break and to rather focus on my breath in every single moment, be thankful for what I currently have, and make the best use of it.
    
    
11. Fear of executing my professional activities the results not turning out being as I imagined.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing that I will not be able to succeed in achieving my business plans. I realize that I have been projecting my past failures into the future while not realizing that at that time I had many more fears which I later processed and that now the professional circumstances have changed a lot since then. I commit myself to engage in my professional activities with persistence, consistency, and willingness to learn which will definitely lead to becoming more successful in my profession.
    
    
12. Fear of realizing that the selected business model would not be optimal for expected results.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that the current business model is the best in order to achieve the targeted results instead of realizing that it is constantly being developed and perfected. I realize that the best for me in order to find out if the business model will produce desired results is to practically test it and then realign it if necessary. I commit myself to focus on practical business movements and to remove my internal points of separation in order for my personal influence while applying the business model to be as small as possible.
    
    
13. Fear of becoming overwhelmed when my business team grows significantly.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine how my business team will in time grow and how I will not be able to handle directing every single business member. I realize that I am trying to use the limited capacity of my mind to predict the outflow consequences of my participation in the business instead of allowing myself to see in what way things will actually turn out and then respond to the situation in real-time. I commit myself to refrain myself from the overuse of my mind for prediction of the future and to have trust in myself that I will find a solution to every possible challenge that I will face.
    
    
14. Fear of someone using any law to obstruct my personal and business activities.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that anyone will use any of the many laws that exist in this world and apply them to prevent me from achieving my personal and business goals. I realize that I am learning how the legal system works and have already found very effective ways to protect myself from any legal attacks. I commit myself to stop any thought that creates doubt about my ability to respond to any legal influence towards myself and to face them breathe by breath, word by word until all legal threats in regards all and any living beings are removed completely.
    
    
15. Fear of missing the opportunity to have my own children and raising them in the best way possible.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that in this lifetime I will not make it to have my own children and that I might regret this fact someday. I realize that while I can not know how long I will live, I still have enough time to create a family and also the financial conditions for it, especially if I decide to focus on my business. I commit myself to accept any outcome in regards to the idea of me having children when and as I face the moment of death of this physical body of mine since every decision I have made so far about that has been made based on my best judgment according to the situation and environment that I found myself in.
    
    
16. Fear of my marketing activities resulting in much fewer sales than anticipated.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that despite my best efforts I will not be able to with sales make such earnings as I wish to due to current global martial law, economies being shut down, people losing jobs, and having less money than ever. I realize that no matter how bad the economic situation is there will always be the ones who have enough money and interest for the product that I sell so it is just a matter of finding them and making a presentation. I commit myself to find ways to achieve my goals regardless of the economic situation if I decide to focus on the opportunities and potentials instead of finding excuses for feeling desperate.
    
    
17. Fear of the government coming with some crazy restrictions that would harm the economy even more.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that our government will implement even harsher restrictions that will diminish the economy even more since they have announced the 2nd wave of the coronavirus outbreak and are again forcing us to wear masks in the closed public places. I realize that I can not have much influence on the decisions of our government however I have the power to decide how I respond to it. Thus I commit myself to whatever measures they will be implementing to remain calm, composed, protect my integrity, breathe effectively and move step by step in order to survive and collaborate with others into creating a world that is best for all.
    
    
18. Fear of something unpredictable happening that would shock me to the extreme.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that something will happen that I can not predict and is similar or even more extreme than the current coronavirus global event. I realize that unpredictability is a nature of life since, despite the physical world enabling us a pretty stable platform to operate, the outflow of the consequences depends on the actions of billions of other people and the rest of living beings. Thus I commit myself instead of looking at the unpredictability of life with fear, to look it with excitement and anticipation of the surprises that make life fun.
    
    
19. Fear of realizing that I have realized very little comparing how much there is to realize.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that whatever I decide to do, it will be based on my very small state of realization comparing to how much there is to realize about anything that exists. I realize that comparing my current me to my potential future me is the act of diminishing myself since I am constantly growing and expanding and there will be always something more that I can challenge myself with. I commit myself to stop competing for my current self with the imagination of self in my mind and to rather focus on defining my current weaknesses and making them stronger.
    
    
20. Fear of discovering that there is no point in doing anything since it is all just a game of illusions.
    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will someday come to the realization that there is no point in doing anything particularly since the existence and life is a subject of interpretation and there is no absolute meaning to anything. I realize that only the mind can have such conclusions of giving up and making no sense due to its limited capacity of comprehension and represents separation from the life that is here. I commit myself to instead of using the mind to direct me, to anchor my awareness in the physical, see the state of the physical, decide how I would like it to become, and they move into transforming it into what is best for all life.

And here are some additional supportive educational audios from the Eqafe website:

Living Fear
My fear companion
The Power of Fear
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Money Fears
Stop In The Name of Fear
Fear at the Top

Don't Want to Make a Mistake

Day 197: Changing my response to conditions that pressure me

In relation to my previous blog post, I am here continuing with looking at the accepted and allowed believes that I am limiting myself and losing my personal power with which is also being reflected in my still slightly persistent lower back pain. So when I am looking at the timeline of the back pain starting to occur, I see that it relates to me starting offering my coaching services in January 2020 which I decided for exactly with the starting point of empowering myself and being able to establish a more reliable source of income for myself. I created my business website, placed signs about my new services to office windows and the main building entrance, and started to discover what marketing strategies would work best for that line of business. There were three coaches who contacted me which coach new coaches how to be very successful at the coaching business however I did not want to focus on doing international online coaching like they are doing it. I wanted a real human connection and thus planned to go out and personally visit the local business managers and offer my coaching services to them.

Just when I had a plan to start going out on a daily basis and presenting myself to potential clients, the coronavirus shutdown occurred and my plans went down the drain. Many businesses in my local area closed down and I could not reach the owners as I initially intended. I considered the personal approach as something that would establish rapport much more effectively and I find online communication much more limiting in that respect. And the global shutdown was also something that was new and created a lot of insecurities in the lives of people. I considered coaching as a tool to support others at looking and finding solutions in themselves easier. However, I felt like I would not be able to help others during the corona situation effectively since their inner world became very unstable. It looked to me like my coaching services for others would be a waste of their and my time because the global situation out there has been constantly changing. Thus any solution that my clients would come to based on the coaching with me could soon become outdated. This is why I rather focused on doing my own research about what I and others could expect in the future based on the hidden global political agendas that were not reported in the mainstream media.

In other words, I used the global shutdown to retract, to be still, and to observe what the future will bring. However, I noticed now that some took different tactics and have seen the coronavirus crisis as a business opportunity. Slovenian business incubators even had lectures with titles like: “Never Waste a Good Crisis“ and encouraged the creation of startups that would focus on solving the new problems created by the global shutdown. Some people have thus worked on import or production of face masks and some have developed solutions in terms of how to work and study from home for example. Many have reacted to such activities with disgust since they treated the government measures as an act of war on people and everyone that would make a business out of it as an unethical war profiteer. And I also did not want to be seen as that. Even when I posted on my Facebook profile that I am offering a free initial coaching session to everyone who needs to find a new economic solution for themselves, most people placed a strong negative comment bellow it. Thus I saw others as being in shock and due to their fear of survival and that it was pointless for me to try to talk to them with common sense.

I was also influenced by the suggestions of other coaches never to execute a free coaching session. They saw it best as only to have a short free preliminary chat with a potential client in order to see if they are a good fit. And when offering free coaching others would not see it a valuable and would also not be sufficiently actively involved in their part of the coaching process in order to have the desired effect. I considered that since I have already in the past years produced over 500 vlogs that people can use for free to support themselves that it is fair that when I have professional coaching with others to be paid and thus fairly compensated for all my past efforts. I even had a perception that by me calling my contacts and offering coaching to them I would only disturb them even more and that leaving them in peace would be best to do. Because being left alone by others and having a quiet time is something that I personally enjoy as the necessary healing process after the period in my life where I suffered a lot.

My general perception was that many people have lost their jobs, a lot of businesses have closed, even permanently, and that there is a general panic going in our society. Yet I saw also that many kept their jobs, some businesses have flourished more than ever due to increased demand, and new jobs have opened as the response to the corona crisis. While many people are not much picky in terms of what kind of work they do, as long as they are able to perform it and earn good money with it, I am not so very used to work just to get me bye. One reason for that is that I have been employed by my father right after secondary school and after that, I have been self-employed and have been doing what I preferred. So the decision to do some work that does not resonate with me was from my perspective an act of giving up on myself and becoming a failure. And I was also concerned about what would others think about me if they notice me working some common and low-paying job. However, considering the current much more drastic global situation I am wondering if I should look for other opportunities just to generate sufficient money for the rent and food. Yet from another perspective maybe the corona lockdown has been enforced exactly for the reasons of population self-diminishment and giving up on doing what my life mission is would be their victory and my loss. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive the coronavirus shutdown as an act of war on people and anyone that created profit by it as an immoral war profiteer. I realize that I am unable to know what were all the contributing factors that resulted in our government ordering us to stay at home and to wear a mask and what is the real agenda behind it. I commit myself when and as I see a massive change in a social situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “This must be a result of the satanic global elite wanting to enslave humanity even more and kill us as many as they can so you must not participate in that plan in any way!” to stop and breathe. Instead of going into a self-victimization mode and refusing to accept the new reality, I rather see the new opportunities that have opened up and decide how to make the best of it for me to apply my personal potentials in order for the outflow of my actions to be best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to financially rely on my father and expect that he will always find a way to get enough money for me in case if I am in financial trouble since he was able to do that all the times before. I realize that also the situation in his life can change dramatically like it actually did due to coronavirus shutdown and that eventually, he will die someday, so relying on him is not a sustainable option. I commit myself when and as I think about the possibility of not having enough money to cover for my monthly expenses and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You can always count on you father to get the money since he is very capable and proud and will never allow you to starve.” to stop and breathe. Instead of counting on my close relatives to assist me, I rather establish additional sources of income and create financial reserves in order to be safer in case of even more drastic unpredictable situations than the current global shutdown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my life with the attitude to demand from others to provide a stable and reliable social system where I can relax, enjoy and express myself without fear of survival or going into a self-victimization tantrum whenever I notice that my current level of living comfortability has been even slightly diminished. I realize that I have become quite spoiled and also attached to what I have and experience on a daily basis instead of taking life more lightly, like a sort of game, where we all leave our human physical bodies eventually anyway. I commit myself when and as I notice my comfort zone being threatened and my mind is producing thoughts like: “I demand freedom, safety, and a guaranteed survival since I am entitled to it!” to stop and breathe. Instead of acting like a child, I man up, take care of my survival according to all the available options and do best to make this world best for all, allowing myself to enjoy the experience and live relaxed, without emotional attachment to anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue using memories of my past negative experiences and traumas to limit my expression and ignore all the abundant opportunities and potentials that are available to me. I realize that by stepping out of my comfort zone there is so much more that I can do and achieve. So I commit myself when and as I look at life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “The past is what you are and do not even try to do anything that is not a reflection of your suffering and trauma!“ to stop and breathe. Instead of constantly projecting what has happened in the past onto what is here, I end all projections and live my full potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having a lot of followers and pupils, believing that I would not be able to handle the number of their comments, messages, and the influence of their opinions, especially the negative ones. I realize that this has been the reason why I have not expanded more in terms of executing lectures, seminars, and talks and have rather kept my business services small. I commit myself when and as I plan my business activities and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Keep it small so that you will be able to manage all the interactions with every client personally since other people are not reliable in terms of collaboration on the projects.” to stop and breathe. Instead of fearing to work with others, I learn how others are able to successfully run big operations so that also I will be able to direct a team of people for the mutual benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be outraged and shocked by experiencing consequences of the coronavirus global shutdown due to the belief that humanity has reached so high level of awareness and that we are being so connected via the internet that surely no global catastrophe can ever happen again and we will be able only to increase the quality of life for all living beings on this planet. I realize that changes are the only constant in life and that I also like to innovate and experience new things, especially the ones that challenge me and help me grow. I commit myself when and as I look towards the future and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look what kind of misery the humanity has caused in the past so be very afraid what will happen in the future.” to stop and breathe. Instead of looking into the future with fear, I decided to look at it with excitement in the anticipation of wonderful surprises that destiny is entertaining me with and making my life incredibly interesting.

Related Eqafe educational audios to listen:
Under pressure
Waiting for my Life to Happen
What Are You Waiting For?
Taking Feedback Personally
Practically Working with Failure and Success
Tension in Working Environments
Working Friendship Reactions
Bringing Yourself Down when Others are Down
The Greatest Challenge is You
Sharing Responsibility vs Abdicating Responsibility
Practicing Responsibility Sharing
Losing Our Passion for Life in Routines
Adapting to Having Less Money
Working Through Your Blame
Chasing the Dream
I Don't Want to be an Employee
Who am I in Resistance
Uncertain Future
Work and Play

Day 196: The mind blowing failures out of proportion

In relation to my previous two blog post, I will be here looking at some more related limiting beliefs that I am obviously still holding to. I estimated that in the previous post I hit the target and that I will be able to successfully release the lower back pain, however, it is still persisting. I also went to a mountain hike over the weekend that usually assists me at decreasing the back pain however it did not have much of an influence. During the hike, I have been listening to Eqafe supportive educational audio on the topic of victimization that I listed at the end of the previous blog post. That assisted me a lot to become more aware of the mechanism that the mind uses to trick us into applying the personality of a powerless victim. So with an enhanced perspective, I intend for this blog post to be even more effective in addressing the core issues for the lower back pain.

A major point that I became aware of is how I have been conditioned into a lifestyle where I do not have to think much about the money and where my survival is more guaranteed that in many other countries. First influential experience is, of course, my childhood where my parents took care that we had enough food on the table, I was raised in a peaceful post-word-war-II era with a socialistic system where the needs of every one were taken care of very good and cheap credits to build houses were widely available. My father progressed with the climbing of the corporate leader, became a part of the steel factory management, and then also developed the family business that has been very profitable and enabled us to build our own house. I had resources available to enjoy all kinds of sports and got my own car. The problem, however, was the relationships that eventually forced me into moving away with my girlfriends in order to maintain sanity and prevent additional degradation of my physical health.

However even after my girlfriend and I started to live in our rented apartment, my parents insisted on taking better care of the finances. Since they saw me paying our apartment rent with the salary that they gave me as wasting of their own money, they bought a small apartment on a credit and forced me and my girlfriend to move there as a much better investment of their money. And after I decided to start my own business due to continued conflicts in our family business work environment, they additionally forced my girlfriend and me into moving to a new larger apartment where they took care of the credit. They justified that decision as giving me my inheritance in advance as an act of equality in relation to my brother who after I moved out of our house had the whole flat available for himself. So while I started to build my own business, I had no monthly rent expenses, and thus I was able to invest most of the profit into business and develop it more easily and faster than most others. This also enabled me to take enough time for my personal growth after my girlfriend decided to leave me and move away due to all the mental pressures from the side of her and my parents.

When the financial crisis hit also our country in 2008 and I started to accumulate debt for the first time in my life. I decided to sell my apartment and move with my new girlfriend to Ljubljana. This was also the first time of me having a lot of liquid capital from the sale of my apartment so I allowed myself to live with much greater monthly expenses than ever before. Initially, I built my businesses mainly around my personal interests of survival, maintaining a small circle of family and friendship relationships, and self-expression. And especially after discovering Desteni in 2010 and visiting their farm in South Africa, my focus has become creating the biggest positive social impact possible no matter the cost. I also looked at the money from selling my apartment as a form of blood money that has been accumulated on the cost of the suffering of myself and many others. So all my following activities were a form of repentance to balance the bad karma of many generations within my bloodline. It was not my plan to spend all the savings from the sale of my apartment however all the sequence of events sadly lead to that.

For example, I wished for my girlfriend to assist me with the development of the Equality Store for the international sale of wearables for promotion of the Equal Money System however she decided to compensate her bad self-image with staring to attend the school of cosmetics in order to somehow feel more pretty. I decided to earn money by restarting my photography business for the duration of my study of psychology however the tsunami hit Japan and the delivery of the photo studio equipment took 6 months instead of expected 3 weeks. After my girlfriend finished her study, we created a mutual business where I executed personal counseling and she did the classic massage therapy. Until her outburst of envy towards my female classmates, death threat by her ex-boyfriend towards me, and Desteni's decision to end global promotion of the Equal Money System resulted in my decision to end the relationship with her and move to the city suburb. All the multi-level marketing opportunities that I engaged afterward and that looked so very promising at the beginning also all crashed down after a couple of years.

In the year 2013 when I moved to Maribor city, I finally spent all my savings, and I had for the first time in my life ask for the social support money. I felt very embarrassed about that since I considered that as an act of personal failure. In the following period until this day, I engaged in several business projects where I wanted to positively influence the global situation and where the project leaders promised me a lot of financial compensation for my work. Despite my best efforts, it resulted in no earnings in fiat currencies and a lot of earnings in non-exchangeable digital currencies. I definitely could at that time generate sufficient fiat currency if I had accepted working for a minimum salary, working something that I did not like, or moving and working in another country. However, I simply refused to make such a compromise and decided to focus on combining my passion, freedom of expression, and changing this world into something better for all living beings. I just can't figure out why fate has placed so big obstacles for me and tried to force me into giving up.

Like why just after I decided to return to offering personal services in form of a Life Coaching this year, the global Coronavirus shutdown happened which is very similar to the global financial recession occurring after I just started to offer my personal counseling services in the year 2008. It is like the matrix is preventing me from assisting others to raise their awareness by shutting down the economy of the whole world. And also why I got seriously injured when I started to become the leading moneymaker as the PIRS business directory salesman, why the Bitcoin collapsed right after I started to make profits by investing in it and why the Spurt and Equality Keys currencies have still not become convertible, which looks like the matrix is trying to prevent me from generating income in any kind of currency. And why only girls with conflictual personality came into my life instead of some girl with a business-oriented mind and strong emotional stability contacting me with a desire to be in a relationship with me which looks like the matrix is preventing me to create a family and raise the children that would with their high awareness present a threat to the current global system. I could go on with even more examples of my efforts being sabotaged by dear Mrs. Faith but let's leave it with these. Let's do now some correction of my thinking pattern as taught at the Desteni I Process online courses:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of the past experiences and to define myself with them instead of releasing myself from the past and making the best use of all the potentials that are available to me. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “If you want to know what you are and what you are capable of, just look at your past and know that such will also be the future.” to stop and breathe. Instead of projecting my past into the future, I live every moment as a fresh start and expand myself by learning new skills, improving current capabilities and tapping into many available resources to multiply them to create a world of abundance where we all live in harmony, mutual support and collaborate as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy the personality of self-diminishment and self-victimization from my parents and use it as a valid manipulation and survival method instead of realizing how harmful such character is since it contributed for my mother to totally ruin her physical health and eventually committing suicide. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “It is very useful to show to others that you are week and incapable of taking care of yourself since they will feel sorry for you and help you to survive in this cruel world.” to stop and breathe. Instead of taking away my full power of creation as an equal in this world, I take charge of my life and stop the harmful pattern of victimization from transfering itself into the next generations once and for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my envy and spite towards others by being a Slovenian national since our culture is to pull each other down and not allowing anyone to stick out and to succeed more than others. I realize that while in some other countries there is a more supportive environment for personal and business growth, I can still challenge myself by continuing living here and redefining what it means to be a Slovenian. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Be aware that you are part of a very small nation with a slave mentality who has little to know leadership character so you also behave like that.” to stop and breathe. Instead of defining myself by my nation or its general mentality, I decided to live free of any labels and direct myself by the principle of what is best for all no matter where my permanent residence is located.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at my past relationships and business experiences as a collection of failed attempts to achieve success due to not being married and having own kids yet and spending all the money from the sale of my apartment instead of becoming at least a millionaire by now. I realize that whatever my previous decisions were, they were all a result of my awareness and circumstances at that time that assisted me to grow and to become a better version of myself. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “Look at many others in your age, like your younger brother who has a wife, two daughters, and a stable business, or look at Elon Musk who created a multibillion dollar business, so better be ashamed of who you are.” to stop and breathe. Instead of comparing myself to others of my age,  I change my relationship to my memories of the past into something much more supportive for me and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for my mind to ignore most of the positive experiences and achievements in my past and to for the most of time serve me only the memories of the negative experiences and achievements while at the same time blowing them out of proportions instead of realizing that number of positive past events and its effects far more exceed the negative ones. I commit myself to when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just remember how many times in the past you started something and you failed so it is fair to see yourself as a loser.” to stop and breathe. Instead of focusing on the negative past memories, I consider all the events that happened in the past as the equal and natural outflow of the consequences, not of just my decisions but of all beings in this world combined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as an insignificant individual with a very limiting mental capacity that is not able to handle the complexity of this world. I realize that experience of overwhelmingness is a result of me going into my mind and overthinking things that I face instead of becoming equal with every singel challenge and using mathematical precision to break it down and walk it bit by bit until I take full ownership of it. I commit myself to when and as I face a challenge and my mind is producing thought like: “Just look at how complex this thing is, imagine everything that you will have to do to handle it and how you are incapable of coming to a complete solution in your mind.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of using the limited capability of my mind to face a challenge, I use the support of the physical to write down all the components of the challenge, collaborate with others, delegate tasks, and use all the available resources to tackle the challenge until it is completed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose interest in increasing my mental capacities, gathering new knowledge and enhancing my capabilities due to a belief that I am already quite old and that the capabilities of my brain will from now on only slowly diminish. I realize that no matter how old I am, I can apply many mental exercises, use the tools like TechnoTutor to increase my processing power and my long-term memory, assist myself with eating healthy food, taking supplements and breathing pure oxygen, so there are many potentials that I have not tapped into yet. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thought like: “You are on the half path of your life and you will from now only become older with only lower capacities that you currently have.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of allowing to project the negative future in my mind, I make the best use of all the possibilities to increase my mental capacity and allow for new discoveries and potentials to assist me in expanding myself even more that I can currently imagine. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify losing my interest in participaton of doing anything particular in this world due to seeing it as very unstable and unreliable with all the constant wars, financial crises, global pandemics, and possibly even worse catastrophic events in the future. I realize that the only constant in existence is change and that whenever I become attached to a certain form or pattern and project it in the future, I create an expectation and fear of change and loss that eventually results in a disappointment. I commit myself when and as I observe this world and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at how unpredictable this reality is and whatever you decide to do, there is a great probability that you plains will fail, so why even bother trying to do anything.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of being seriously attached to the expectation of a certain outcome, I take life easily, consider it more as a game where everything is constantly changing and where we all in time have to swap our bodies and expressions and where I am part of one as the life that can actually not be harmed by anything since there exists no one but itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for living the character of a responsible and serious person who demands to be taken seriously, expects others to be equally serious, and does not tolerate being laughed at by others. I realize that I have limited myself by such a character that I have used it to compete with my brother for the attention of our parents since he decided to live the character of a funny person that is skilled at extracting laughs from others as part of his survival mechanism. I commit myself to when and as someone is laughing at me and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at how they are making fun of you and bullying you, so resent to anyone that is not taking you dead seriously all the time.” to stop and breathe. Instead of holding onto my polarity extreme of a serious expression, I balance it by equally applying also the expression of relaxation, fun, and laughter towards myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interprete anyone laughing at me as an act of attack on me and taking it personally due to my past experiences in the secondary school where some classmates picked certain parts of my body and made fun of them which resulted in me started to think that there is something wrong with how I look. I realize that I was partially responsible for others bullying me since they were responding to my low self-esteem and my self-perception of intellectual superiority however their decision of communicating their discomfort about that was a reflection of their lack of treating me as one and equal and a projection of their own insecurities and experiences of being bullied by others. I commit myself when and as someone laughs at me and my mind is producing thoughts like: “They are laughing for the purpose of bullying you so it is valid to feel uncomfortable and spite towards them.” to stop and breathe. Instead of allowing for words, sounds of actions to have influence over my emotions and self-image, I join laughing with them since some even say that a laugh a day keeps the doctor away and even I actually enjoy watching comedy on a regular basis very much.

Some additional related supportive educational audios from the Eqafe website:

Self Awareness steps for the Elite
A chat with memory
Overanalysing Memories
Friends and Memories
Physical Memories
Always Feeling like 'I'm not doing Enough'
Understanding Self Pity
Haunting Memories
A Joker
What's so Funny?
Self Discovery and Laughter
The Genuine Smile Of Laughter
Flexibility and Flow with Bruce Lee

Day 195: Exposing My Justifications for Self-victimization

As I have exposed within the previous blog post, I have been experiencing points of limitation that have been also reflecting in the slight back pain that has been persistent for the last couple of weeks. According to the Structural Resonance document, the location of the pain indicates that this is related to the POWER point. As explained also in the 2-part educational audio Lower Back Pain at the Eqafe library, it is mostly related to patterns of judgment and suppression about the things that one sees within yourself. So whenever one compromises self, makes self inferior or less than, or creates a consequence or gives self up for something or someone, and through that diminishes the power of one's expression, the potential of one's life, and thus victimizes self, the lower back will flare-up. It is also a consequence of running from self, not having enough time for self, and being occupied with doing things for others. And not allowing self during the day to take time to self-reflect and change.

So definitely I can look at the decision that I will be offering services of coaching as a possible point of limiting my self-expression. From one perspective I decided for the profession of coaching as the form of deliberate self-limitation since there are countless numbers of options for decisions in every single moment about what to do. Thus I feared that I will not be able to develop a business and consequently get enough money to sustain myself if I do not limit myself. This actually is not true since I do have the option to continue living on social support by continuing to be interested in every single thing that I stumble upon and be more of a curious researcher of life that is not focusing on any particular part of assistance. Yet during the coaching sessions, I am kinda performing such research since I am listening to life experiences of others and thus learning about new things and expanding myself.

I can say that what I find the most limiting in the coaching business is the scheduling process and all the stress related to that. So the first phase is to inform others about my service and attract them until they decide to order it. The next step is to book a meeting. And whenever I have something in my calendar there is the need for me to be prepared for that event. Since time is a very intangible thing and also relative, it requires regular attention of time-measuring devices. So instead of being relaxed here, I have to compare the booked time with the current time displayed on a clock, calculate the time difference and estimate how many things I will be able to do until it is expected from me to execute the coaching. Due to my desire to be punctual a not wanting to miss or forget any scheduled meeting, I become restless and can not fully focus on things that I also want to do besides the coaching.

This restlessness or nervousness increases especially with the scheduled time approaching. If I have nothing scheduled during a day I, for example, eat whenever I am naturally hungry, rest when I get tired, and for as long as I wish and do whatever I feel doing at any specific moment. And when I have meetings scheduled I have to plan all activities so that I am not so hungry during coaching sessions and also not too full to distract me from being able to perform as coach effectively. Also, I am seeing how the weather or low atmospheric pressure makes me more sleepy and tired. Since coaching sessions are booked at least hours if not days or weeks in advance, I can not tell how good will I feel at the time of having to perform coaching so I can not assure to be the best that I can be during each coaching.

Next, there can be many issues also from the side of coachees. Like they forgetting the scheduled meeting, them not feeling well, or being late, or in some times also arriving too early. So this also creates the need from my side to send reminders to clients, check the situation from their side before the meeting, and becoming prepared a bit early before the scheduled time. And then if they are late I also become nervous, disappointed and angry end even more if they do not show up at all. So all this planning and worrying disturbed my inner peace and does not allow me to stay relaxed. It was less stressful when I did a creative work and by getting one client, I could do just one job for them for hours, days, weeks, or even months. A business of coaching is quite different since sessions are as short as just half an hour and usually not more than two hours long. So I have to meet many clients in one day to be fully booked.

And while the design work was something visual, the coaching is a form of inner transformation that is much more intangible. It requires me to listen and remember what others are telling me, process what I have heard, decide about my response, and repeat the whole process over and over again. The fear here is that I will forget the information and not be able to effectively execute the reflective part of the coaching. So I take notes during coaching which I do by hand in case of life coaching and in the form of typed computer notes when executing online sessions. And while some other forms of conversational supports are a more one-time thing, coaching is usually a long process that is being performed in several sessions within several weeks or even months. Thus it requires me to remember or to keep records about the coaching related to the previous sessions so that I can assure that goals set in the initial coaching session are being reached.

This is also why many coaches do not charge their services by the hour but offer different packages. They are finding out what the needs and desired goals of the prospective clients are and then they estimate what package would fit them best. Such shaping of services is something new to me and I have yet to learn the benefits of it for me and the clients and how to apply it also into my coaching practice. There were also some coaches that contacted me in order to teach me how to succeed and earn a lot as a coach however no one resonated with me and I found their approaches something that I did not want to use. Most rely on international video coaching from their homes and using social media to get the clients. However, I got a bit tired of sitting in from of computers for long hours and prefer to meet clients in person so I planned to personally visit the potential clients in my local area. And just when I was to go out to do that, the Coronavirus quarantine started to be enforced, so I became quite frustrated about how unpredictable events are preventing me to execute my plans over and over again.

Then I also wanted to connect with other coaches in Slovenia in order to pick their brains and learn what business model works for coaching best for our nation. While the existence of a coaching method has been something that I discovered just recently, I was surprised for how long it has been used in my country and what level of standards have been established for that profession. A coaching society of Slovenia has members claiming that one can simply not perform as a good coach without having training that took at least a couple of years and regular supervision. I considered having performed very well as a coach for my past clients since many had so deep breakthrough moments that surprised even me. And I have many years of other kinds of studies about how the mind works, including measurable progress at my personal process of inner transformation, so I had high confidence in my abilities. However, after reading about how others are defining a coaching profession, my self-esteem in that area dropped a bit.

Throughout my life sequence of events developed me into becoming quite self-reliable in terms of learning the necessary knowledge to be able to do what I desired. And I also did not need any confirmation of my peers in order to gain sufficient self-confidence to work in certain areas. However, I noticed that what I lacked were depth and connections. In my life, the environment and people in my surrounding changed quite frequently so I learned how to function independently. And many experiences with other people were pretty negative so I also learned that others can not be trusted. I do fear that if I join any professional association, others will again start to limit me and influence me negatively. This is the reason why I prefer to work and also to live alone since I have already enough work with facing my own mind and lack the capacity and time to be able to also address the point of separation in the minds of others. Or so has been my justification for living in my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my chronic feeling of sadness and heaviness as disappointment and powerlessness as the result of seeing others as being possessed by their minds to the level of not being able to comprehend me and seeing me as one and equal. I realize that I have been, and still am to a level, possessed by my own mind and thus equally unable to fully comprehend others and treat them as one and equal. Thus I am actually sad about how I am possessed by the mind and not yet sufficiently being able to direct others to completely drop their possession which is also what I want for myself. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “There is no use of trying to release others from their minds since you are not capable of doing that so best to just protect yourself by living in isolation.” to stop and breathe. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I look at my achieved progress of releasing myself from the mind and what progress was made by others and continue to walk the process of supporting myself and others towards the total release of any mind possessions in the whole humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as individuals who will sooner and later hurt me due to becoming blinded by the energy of their minds and emotions and that this is the reason why it is best to develop myself professionally alone. I realize that whenever others have harmed me it was due to my own separation within my mind that rendered me incapable of seeing and treating them as one and equal since I have been purely socialized and resonated superiority since this is how I have been raised by my parents who struggled with a feeling of inferiority. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Do not join any professional group since you will not fit in and they will not be able to accept you as an equal.“ to stop and breathe. Instead of fearing others and losing hope in advance, I join professional networks and take full self-responsibility about how others respond to my presence, words, and actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to firstly get excited and uplifted about seeing the potential and after a while of doing that thing to lose the excitement soon after I face obstacles and challenges of moving towards that direction. I realize that I have allowed myself to be directed by the good feelings of the positive expectations and thus experiencing strong highs and lows instead ob directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all and pushing myself through every kind of energetic resistance with dedication, persistence and firm focus. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “You have the right to feel heavy since you have experienced disappointment so take sufficient rest to gather enough positive energy to move you forward.” to stop and breathe. Instead of allowing myself feelings of emotional tiredness, I take time to reverse-engineer the timeline of events that I have used as justificaton for such feelings and remove any energetic conditions so that I can be directed purely by the principles.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose interest in moving myself and doing anything particular due to accepted belief that there is no stability in this existence, that it is just a game or a play without any firm rules and that no matter what kind of goal I set it will avoid me achieving it. I realize that while there are theories that everything is energy and vibrations and that there is nothing tangible, the physical world does actually stand the test of time and is here and quite stable no matter if I believe differently. I commit myself when and as my mind produces thoughts like: “This world is just an illusion so by doing anything in it you will just be trying to make this illusion real.” to stop and breathe. Instead of believing my mind what is telling me, I realize that the problem is that the mind which is an actual illusion is trying to turn reality into an illusion by constantly taking my attention away from my breath and from what is actually here. Thus I decide to ignore any thoughts that justify me not moving in this world and do as many movements in a day to make this physical world the best place for myself and all others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will use words against me and enforce to consider their words as more powerful since they have labeled them as a rule or a law. I realize that others can have the power over my words only of I react to their words with emotions and that I am able to stand and speak for myself and explain in common sense that all words have equal power. When and as I receive a letter or a message from anyone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “They are citing a law so I must fear the enforcement in order to avoid harmful consequences for myself.” to stop and breathe. Instead of assuming the power of others through their words, I take equal power of my words to respond to them and disqualify every point of assumed agreement with me which has not been established between myself and others as direct agreement within full awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a quiet guy who learned that silence is the best defense and that it is not much use of trying to explain others what I see and feel since they will not be able to comprehend me. I realize that while the words are symbols to whichever one can have a different definition and emotional energies attached, there offer a significantly clear form of communication that I can use to interact with others. I commit myself when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “The ultimate power is being completely quiet since it is futile to explain anything to others by using words.” to stop and breathe. Instead of giving my power away and victimizing myself by projecting a negative income no matter which words I use, I do my best to use words to come to an agreement with all the others where interests of all involved are being considered so that we can co-exist in a bigger harmony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being aware of the power of asking and using assumptions about what others think, say and do instead of cross-referencing things by placing questions until I am sufficiently clear about what the reality actually is. I commit myself when and as see the words and actions of others and my mind is producing thought like: “Use your intuition to create an explanation what is the reason and meaning for others saying and doing things and do not disturb and take their valuable time with unnecessary questioning.“ to stops and breathe. Instead of interpreting the words and actions of others in my imagination, I stick with the physical and verify the facts so that I can avoid being in a wrong state of interpretation as much as possible.

Some related supportive educational Eqafe audios:

The Victim of Judgment
The 'Taking this Personally' Victim
A Victim of Bullies
Deliberately Sabotaging my Own Change
Self Victimization
Self Victimization Stunts Your Growth
From Self Victimization to Self Empowerment
Victim of Your Memories
It's too Late for Me
The Consequence of Suppression
The Difference Between Speaking Up and Voicing Yourself
Victimization vs Ownership of Skills