Day 165: Strange pressure under my left breast

For a couple of weeks, I have been experiencing strange pressure under my left breast. It is like someone would hold slight pressure between two of my ribs with one finger. It is not a pain nor a sharp pinch but it feels more like a small hole. It could also be some kind of small cramp. It is not deep but more in the area between the ribs and the skin. Initially, the feeling appeared only when I inhaled and the lungs expanded but later it escalated to an almost even pressure also while I am exhaling. It started after the event when my flatmate has been very emotional for the whole day and projected a lot of her past frustrations and accused me that I am responsible for how she felt. So the feeling could be related to my relationship with here, however, I feel that it is in an even stronger connection to other business and specifically money-related issues that I have been also facing at that time.

In January 2018 I left participation in a global project where I invested 5 months of my full dedication with the expectation that we will be able to launch a new soon convertible humanitarian cryptocurrency and I was also paid for my work in that currency. However, since things did not turn out as I expected, I got tired of excuses and quit the project. Since I have in the past several years participated in many other projects that others initiated and none of them fulfilled the promises I decided to take things into my own hands and create a project where I will be in charge of and thus also avoid disappointments. So at the beginning of this year, my friend and I joined forces to develop a product where he would take the part of a technical development and I the part of branding and marketing. I invested a lot of time into creating a website, promotional and instructional videos and in March the first Facebook marketing campaign was launched.

I expected that soon after the first dozen of users would finish the free product trial period they will automatically purchase the product and the money will start rolling in. However, that did not happen and many did not even succeded to effectively test the product. In order to get more perspectives about what could be the cause for the product not to launch successfully I then contacted dozen of business mentors to evaluate the website and product user experience. Based on the feedback I concluded that money will not roll in so quickly as I projected and that a totally different and gradual approach will be necessary for it to achieve the goal. In the past months my personal finances were very low, then my business partner went abroad for several weeks and also my father that so far regularly assisted me with additional funds in exchange for some design work that I have been performing for him was not able to pay me in time. So several sources of income that I have been relying on have let me down and a subconscious fear of survival started to take a grip on me.

And there has also been a social factor that contributed to the creation of some kind of constriction in my chest. In recent months I used to visit my good friend and business partner at least twice a week and with him and his girlfriends I was able to talk about the deepest stuff and be understood. Now since they went abroad I did not have any person nearby that I could visit and share my thoughts. With my flatmate, we went through many phases of relationship in the past several years where we concluded that we are definitely not compatible as a couple. Sometimes we do have meaningful conversation however her frequent emotional outbursts are something that disturbs me very much. Until a couple of months ago I have been meeting her on a daily basis however then she started to be out of her apartment even one week in a row persuing new boyfriend relationships. Also on weekends, a young daughter of one of my neighbors visited me frequently and I spent many hours teaching her how to cook. Then her father forbade her to visit me, probably due to envy.

Thus several factors that were financial and social kind accumulated and created constriction and anxiety. Especially due to the absence of my business partner I felt like our project has stuck and that I can not move on with development as fast as before. I definitely did make some moves on my own by gathering feedback from our first clients and business mentors and I executed some legal, strategical and structural changes regarding the project and the company. So now I am going to be using the tools as perfected within the DIP Lite free online course to face and transform the related mind patterns and thus remove the primary course for pressure in my chest:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attached to outer stimulation in order for me to do certain things. I realize that I have been conditioned by my upbringing where especially my father played a significant role, however, I have now gained almost complete independence from my parents and it would be useful for me to stop my social determinism. I commit myself the when and as I would like to achieve something and my mind produces thoughts like: “Why doing something if no one is telling me to do that?” to stop and breathe. Instead of waiting for others to direct me, I then unconditionally direct myself towards completing my projects. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for my actions to be energetically conditioned where I would need to experience the energy of fear as the consequence of others threatening me if I do not do exactly what they want me to. I realize that I have been living in an energetic polarity where while not being influenced by others I have been in a state of resting and waiting in the feeling of low and tiredness and only if others would motivate me, I would experience the energy of excitement as the needed initiation for my movement. I commit myself to when and as I want to move and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are feeling tired and low so just listen to yourself and have a deserved rest since sooner or later someone will want something from you and that will be the sign for you to move again.” to stop and breathe. I then check if my feeling of tiredness is actually a physical tiredness where my body really needs a rest. And if it is a feeling of tiredness produced by the mind I stand up and move, not allowing the mental energy to direct me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in projected criticism of others which has become a sort of addiction for me. I realize that regardless of how I have been influenced by my family surrounding, indulging in the ranting of others where they point out only bad things and mistakes that I have made in the past and how I am the only one to blame for them such is really not supportive for me. I commit myself to when and as someone would criticise me for something that I know is not actually true and my mind would produce thoughts like: “Just keep listening to them since you might learn something new and strengthen the relationship with the person who is criticising you.” to stop and breathe. I realize that I do not need to depend on people who are just nasty and do not want to support me as equal and I commit myself to communicate and work only for the people who have a respectful attitude towards me. Thus when and as I notice that someone has started to use projected criticism, I tell them to stop and if they continue I immediately remove myself from their company. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose faith in me and to define myself as an incompetent person since in the last several years the projects that I took part at have not been profitable. I realize that such is mostly opinion of my father that does not know or want to communicate in other ways but to show only the bad things that happened to me and that for him the only measure of success is the generated profit in for of liquid currency. In reality, I have created a lot of assets with the potential to be liquid in the future and all the events that I took part in were in some way valuable for me since I gained a lot of new acquaintances and experiences that I can make use of in my future undertakings. Thus when and as I think of what project I should develop next and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Past has proven that you are a complete failure thus better to not decide about anything on your own and rather wait for someone who is capable to tell you exactly what to do!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that there is no such individual who is perfect and is able to guide me without any mistakes rather be my own leader and engage in productive actions. Because as they say, there is no success without failure and if you want to succeed fast, do as many mistakes as you can.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Stuck from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 164: Fear due to increased public exposure

Recently I have become a candidate for Slovenian parliament on behalf of one of the new political parties. The president of the party sent me a friendship request after I liked their Facebook page. Soon after that, we had a personal meeting at my home where he invited me to become their candidate and represent their agenda in the parliament possibly or even become a minister. I definitely am interested in politics since I want to make this world the best place for all. In the recent years, I joined one of the newest political parties in Slovenia, however, there was no real movement. My friends and I even attempted to establish our own political party, however, we lacked the motivation and resources to even gather 100 signatures of supporters to register it. I did not research much in detail how the political system in our country works and I have never imagined becoming a member of parliament. I wonder if I have what it takes to be in such demanding, responsible and exposed position. And I sense how a kind of subconscious fear started to creep in due to the potential of being scrutinized by public media.

The political party that I started to represent has a very advanced program and not a lot of people resonate with what it stands for. It consists of members that show by their own example how it is possible to change and how to live a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. Established political parties have a lot of control over public media and use it as a tool to diminish any new party that starts to compete with them. So the strategy of our party is to address that 60% of the population that do not attend elections since none of the programs of existing parties is attractive enough to them. And we are also instructed not to criticise anything from the past or other political parties. The plan is to connect with local organic stores, Yoga societies, and similar organizations who are able to fully resonate with our program and will definitely vote for what we stand for. We are also the only party that is equally represented in terms of sex since we have one female and one male president and one female and one male vice-president.

Our party so far has participated only in one public confrontation which was hosted by our national TV station. Presidents of all political parties in Slovenia were assembled in the studio and given just a couple of dozen seconds to answer questions of the hosts. Our male president was also there and was given a visibly shorter written review of his speech than presidents of other parties. Three days ago we had the first party meeting in the middle of capital city forest park where all the candidates for the parliament were presented and the event was covered by the national TV. I found out that our female president was during this event quite in shock because she had an interview where one of the reporters asked her a question about the party where the program of the party was diminished and made fun of. That made me think how well I would respond if being in the same position since I definitely do not want to be laughed at or made fun of by public media.

In past decades I went through a radical personal transformation from a very shy unsocialized introvert who could barely speak and feared criticism into an outspoken blogger and vlogger who mastered many fears and is willing to expand even more. Despite producing over 500 vlogs in the past 3 years I have been noticed by media only several months ago and invited to 3 interviews at one of the Slovenian commercial TV stations. However, I was able to speak even about the most advanced esoteric knowledge which surprised even myself. Of course, at those interviews I have been speaking about that I was an expert at and was not expected to memorize a lot of specific information. However, as the politician, I assume that I would be expected to learn many historical data about our country and to know the constitution, country and international laws by heart. And memorizing a lot of exact data is not what I am very fun of. Also until now I have studied politics more from a global and secret esoteric perspective and did not follow local political happenings very much.

So now I will be facing some of the subconscious and mind patterns that can trigger reactions of fear using tools learned at the Desteni I Process online courses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being taken seriously when interviewed by public media. I realize that when one is becoming more of a public figure media will want to know more about them in order to satisfy the curiosity of the masses. However, even such influential people as the president of USA is being ridiculed by even most popular comedy shows and yet he proves how it is possible any opinion from whoever not to be taken personally. Thus I commit myself when someone, especially a reporter of the most influential media is interviewing me and my mind is producing thought like: “It is inappropriate to ask me any disrespectful questions in the attempt to trigger an emotional reaction in me.” to stop and breathe. In such cases I stay true to myself, speak openly based on the principle of equality and what is best for all and not care what others think about me since most are their projections of own limiting mind patterns, limitations, and separations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that becoming member of parliament is a function that I will not be able to handle due to current lack of knowledge of national legislation and international politics. I realize that whatever challenge I have faced so far, I proved to myself that I am capable of acquiring necessary knowledge and skills in order to perform my function with great excellence. And above all, I have been in the past years developing a strong integrity which is the most important quality in a political position so I definitely have something to offer. Thus I commit myself to when and as I think about becoming a politician and my mind is producing thought like: “You have little experience in politics and you are definitely incapable to know or learn what it takes to be part of a parliament!” to stop and breathe. I then rather start to study parts of the legislation and the current political situation with my own pace and prepare myself in the best way possible to be as ready for my job as I am capable of.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worried what my father will think about me and that he will be ashamed of me if I go into politics and then make some mistake that will be blown out of proportions by media. I realize that while my father still wrongly considers me an extension of him and wants to be proud of me, it is his responsibility to face his lack of self-confidence and projections of his inferiority onto me. Thus when and as I am facing to be portrayed by public media as a loser and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, what will my father think of me!” to stop and breathe. Then within awareness that parents are the one that instills the most limitations into their children, I disregard my family relationships based on self-interest and act from the starting point of what is best for all life in the long term. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a serious person that has to be addressed with all the respect, especially when I am in a role of a politician on highest position. I realize that better than respect based on the position it is far more sustainable to earn the respect of others by your own deeds and action that are best for all. Thus when and as I am in conversation with someone and my mind starts to produce thoughts like: “They better respect me and talk to me according to my formal position or I will show them how nasty I can be!” to stop and breathe. I then rather communicate with anyone with consideration of their own state of mind and within the realization that we will all die and leave our bodies and physical possessions behind. The only thing that will count is how much we have made progress in facing limitations of our own mind, how much we have transcended our self-interest and what is the long-term outflow of our actions on other living beings while we were making decisions in this physical realm.

For all who are in a political position or are planning to enter the politics but have fears, I recommend to take the free online course DIP Lite and listen to many supportive audios from Eqafe related to politics especially the one titled What Your Mind Doesn't Want You to Know About Fear of Authority.

Day 163: Criticism based on unverified assumption

During the day my mind is creating a lot of backchats or automatic thoughts that influence the relationship between myself and others. Some thoughts are so prominent that I am able to notice and stop them immediately and some are so subtle that slip bye and create unconscious suppressed emotional reactions within me. Such energetic reactions that are mostly criticism, anger, and envy have already years ago started to manifest as irritated itchy part of my skin around the genital area. When I first started with the Desteni process it assisted me a lot and condition of my skin improved significantly. However, in recent months, I am experiencing increased irritation so I decided to look at the causes for that.

I will take an example from today when I experienced itchy sensation on my skin and I stopped in order to identify the underlying thoughts. It happened when in the morning I checked my Facebook profile and noticed new friendship requests from two young females. I have been single for the last couple of years however I have not been actively seeking for a partner since my focus has been on some projects with the intent to firstly provide a better financial stability for me. Because I associate personal relationships with increased costs I want to have enough money before attempting to create a family. However, I am open to starting dating any girl that would show interest in me. So in case of new female friendship requests, I immediately check their status, the reason for wanting to connect with me, if they are single and without kids. Then also what their interests are, what is their profession and current job and if they have potential to also collaborate with me also on the projects that I am involved in at this moment.

In regards to my female Facebook friends who already having own children, I consider such situation with two different perspectives. From personal views, I am not interested in starting a relationship with a single mother because I know how complicated such relationship is and how involvement with a biological father of children can make things difficult. In fact, such was exactly the situation with my last girlfriend and I do not want to experience it again. But from a business view, any parent with young children is a potential buyer of my new product since my friend and I have developed an educational software that accelerates learning and especially assists preschool kids to develop their core life potentials. So today I checked the photos of my new female Facebook friends and noticed that one had some photos with around 2 years old child which indicates that she is a mother. And since there were no photos of her and a child with a guy, I concluded that she has separated and is single.

So far such observations triggered no reactions within me. However, after that, I started to judge this single mother in my mind about her irresponsible behavior of having a child at such a young age and not making sure that the father would stay and support her and their baby. When I look at myself how come I created such a belief, I can see that there are two components related to this. One is that my younger brother has two daughters that are now already in the secondary school because he also became a father very early. His children were the product of a very emotional relationship and I know that they had to go through a lot of troubles while growing up. And my brother also did not want me to influence them so he persuaded his wife to block me on Facebook and prevent me to communicate with their children online. So there are some elements of resentment here and I could also have some envy towards my brother for having kids while I still have none.

Then there is also a dimension of justification and wanting to be more than others. There certainly is a lot of truth in that young partners have not a lot of life experiences, are expected to be more emotional and thus also children suffer more than couples who decide to have children 10 or more years later. It is definitely a good thing to work on yourself first as much as possible to clear many of problematic mind patterns that we all inherit mostly from our parents and thus prevent them to be transferred and consequently create harm to our children. And from that reason I am also continuing with working on myself, clearing points of separation from my mind and thus preparing myself to be a responsible parent. However, the problem here is my starting point of wanting to be more than others which I inherited from my father and he also constantly motivated me to be the best I can. 

Thus it is perfectly fine for me to perfect myself from the point of wanting to contribute to our society and future generations to improve. The point of separation is, however, wanting to be better than others in order to feel good and attract attention from others. Such tendency creates constant comparison where I am checking if others are aligned with my ideals of responsible parents. In a case when I see that a woman has become a mother in early years I start to judge her, especially in case of divorce. And consequently, I have also been justifying not having own children yet with me being a responsible individual and not considering other influences that shaped my life. While in fact if I would be born in the position of my younger brother, my life experience would be very different.

I wrote this blog post already several weeks ago and wanted to add the self-forgiveness statements however I did not manage to find enough motivation and time to do it. So today I finally decided to move on and post it as it is and start a new blog post. During this time also a very supportive audio interview came out that is very related to also manifest consequences that I experience on my skin so I invite you to listen to it if you face similar mind patters:

Interview Request - Jock Itch

Day 162: Emotional awareness

I tend to think about myself as someone who does what is bast for all, is guided by the principle of oneness and equality and is passionate about the projects that improve situation on this planet. Also I believed that I am a very emotionally stable person and free from any energetic addictions. Yet despite of being involved in several such project in the past years, I noticed how my initial excitement diminishes over time and I become less motivated to collaborate with other project members. Some kind of strange resistance appears within me and I get the feeling of heaviness and tiredness. Yesterday when I went out for a walk something opened in me end I came to realise what are the underling patterns that sabotage me at working effectively as part of a larger group.

The first point that came to me was how as the eldest child I have been raised up to be a serious and obedient person that does what parents instructs me to. And in our family my father was the most influential figure since he due to his low self-esteem and loosing his father when he was very young constantly search for recognition from others and wanted to be a good provider. He managed to be successful at that by being a very creative and innovative and pleasing others by positively surprising them. When me and my younger brother became part of our family I can now see how he in a way desired for his children to be provided for in the best way he could manage however at the same time my brother and I became a threat to him since we represented a riving party and started to compete with our father for attention and recognition. This is why I think jealousy developed within him and started to suppress us.

When my father started to develop our family sign-making and screen-printing business and we after completing the secondary school became his employees, such relationship got a whole new dimension. This is because I worked in the initial stage of pre-press and graphic design and when I made a mistake at visual design my brother would then print it on not so cheap products and would result in a lot of costly damage. I was pressured to work fast and my father would come onto me with extreme emotion of anger any time I made a mistake. And I also was not allowed to express myself creatively since all what matters to my father was that the products were printed as fast as possible and the quality of my visual graphic design did not matter at all. Often when I did some design he wanted me to change it to something that I did find it appropriate at all. This is also why I eventually decided to stop working for him and started my own business of creative graphic design where I had the opportunity to express myself creatively.

However even when working for my own clients his criticism remained deeply rooted within me as self-criticism in form of the back-chat in my mind that created a fear that my clients will equally not like my designs and will want me to change them. And also during the years of being an employee of my father I was pressured to work from morning to evening and started to burn out. Thus while working for my own clients I always hurried to finish the order immediately and then enjoyed my free time. Because of all that I feel that I have become conditioned to enjoy free time and wait for someone to tell me to do something and then I would execute that order precisely as instructed in order for others to be satisfied with me, to pay me fairly and then I would again just enjoy life and wait for the next order. Thus I like to complete the tasks as fast as possible and this reflects in checking my emails and social messages several times per day and making sure that my inbox is always empty. Equally when I cook, I immediately wash, wipe dry and tidy the dishes. My kitchen and my office desk are always clean and ready for the new projects.

I realised that I have become very sensitive to being pressured and that I do not allow anymore to be pushed and bullied anymore. So if someone wants me to do something and pushes me too much or if the instructions are not clear enough or if I do not get payed fairly and especially if I am to compete with others a strong resistance emerges within me. I am rather having a relaxed life with less money than earning a lot of money while being under stress all the time. In last several years I also participated in several international projects where there was a potential for me to earn a lot of money but all those projects failed to perform and I ended in some debt. This is also why I became mistrustful towards projects of others where I do not have significant control about the outcome. I learned that easiest way for me to earn the money is to work directly for the end client who respects my work and pays me fairly.

But then I started to ask myself if such life in the comfort zone is good for my personal development and I concluded that it is not. What I came to realise is that I have been living a quite elitist life where my father provided for all my needs and much more and that I took all of this for granted. Yes, I was under pressure by him but I did never ask myself how he has managing to successfully provide for our family and what kind of personal struggles he went through. Of course he also did not want to share his bag of tricks with me even if I expressed my curiosity about it. Thus in some way I tend to play a victim in order to show him that he did not equip me for a successful independent life because he wanted me to live in his house indefinitely. He never planned for me to move out and when I told him that I met a girlfriend and that I will move in with her to our own apartment he threatened that if I leave then he will never again want to see or accept me again.

Now after living on my own for almost 20 years I have started to ask myself if I am any better than my father. Because at least he managed to raise two of his children, maintain a successful business and I am at age 43 again single, without any kids, in debts and on unemployment support. I justify this by believing that I am instead of wanting to provide only for my family focusing mostly on contributing with changing of the global system so that every single living being will eventually be supported unconditionally. Yet I wonder what my impact actually is and how good of example I am if I do not take care properly for my own basic financial needs. Thus I decided to restart some of my previous business activities and then challenge myself in creating my own organisation where I will employ others. I see this as something that I need to do in order to break out of the limiting patterns that I copied from my father and also from those that I created by myself as the solution to cope with the pressures of my father.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational video titled Emotional Awareness from the Videos series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 161: My core patterns network

Lately, I have been thinking about the current state of my life, what I want to achieve and what are my limitations that prevent me in fulfilling such agenda. What I first noticed is that at this moment I am living a quite safe and comfortable life by staying in a small room where I live and also work using my computer. I receive some money from national unemployment support service and I do some design work for my father which brings me some additional money to cover my monthly bills. Then there is some debt that I have accumulated in recent years that I want to get rid of as soon as possible and for that purpose, I am collaborating on some international projects that have the potential to solve my current situation. However, I have noticed that collaborating with some groups is quite challenging since there is very limited amount of communication and many things are not clear. Consequently, I can not move on and have to wait for days or even weeks before moving to the next step. And that is just a peak of the mountain of all the issues connected to such projects.

The point is that I was able to earn a lot of money while having my visual communications creative business and when I was doing sales for the biggest national business directory. But after the financial recession and me doing some other kind of businesses where I wanted to develop a line of promotional products, creating a mutual business with my ex-girlfriend, selling some overpriced product, promoting MLM businesses and developing alternative currencies, things did not go so well as I would want to. I am quite tired of having to rely on someone else so I have now decided to take things again in my own hands and restart my original graphic design, web development, and professional photography services. I think that those are services that will always be needed by businesses in order for them to succeed in what they do and I also do not have to worry much about not being paid for my work.

But what I was wondering in regards all that is how much my core patterns influence my personal and business decisions and also my success in what I do. What I already became aware of is how the influence of my parents during my early years of childhood and also later years of working at our family company shaped me extensively. Thus I became introverted recognition-seeking perfectionist who best works alone using computers under the guidance of superior and is very critical in regards to visual presentation. I worked a lot in recent years in terms of redefining myself, overcoming my limitations and expanding my capabilities. I am skilled in working with computers, however, sitting behind the desk for long hours is not very ergonomic. Thus I desire to work in more of a natural environment where I can take regular brakes as often as I want and enjoy the company of plants and animals. However how to get there is the question and I see it also connected with a significant monetary investment.

Besides that after becoming aware of a lot of things about the history and the current state of existence I want to contribute as much as possible to improve the situation in this world. Primarily this means to continue and deepen my process of self-perfection which will require a lot of time. And possibly develop a farm to be an example of how to live in harmony with all living being as equals. Maybe even having my own family to raise the kids in the best way possible in order for them to continue the work of improving the human race. Of course, there are other possibilities of achieving such goal besides investing my own money. Such project could be manifested by using crowdfunding and public grants and even by excited private investors. So all options are opened it is only up to me how to conceive it and staying focused enough time in order for it to manifest in this physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Working for a Business Vs the Business Working for You from the The Soul of Money series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 160: Worrying during work tasks

Not so long ago I join a international NGO that needed a logo for their new brand. Initially I became part of their internal graphic design team where each of us contributed with our logo design suggestions. After a while the organisation management got tired of waiting for us to come with a acceptable logo and decided to outsource it to one of popular international design contesting websites. Each of internal designers got payed in our cryptocurrency but of course not as much as the designer that eventually won the contest. When the head of NGO then provided us with the source file of the selected new logo, I noticed that it was not in expected vector format that can be infinitely scaled but only a bitmap file in medium resolution, usable only for website and small printed publication. I volunteered to take over the task of vectorisation since I worked in pre-press for over 10 years and converting images from pixels to vector lines is what I am very skilled at.

During the process of vectorisation I had a massive backchat about many things. Firstly I was dissatisfied with the NGO leadership that did even not educate themselves about how final logo format should be before they organised the design contest. Then I was disappointed about my logo not being selected despite of me being very professional in terms of making sure that it would be scalable, applicable and easily reproducible. I was unhappy about spending so much money on designer who was so unprofessional that he or she did not provide the logo in clean vector shape.

After I continued with inspecting the source file of the logo I noticed that the elements that were to represent a plant were so unnatural that people would notice and criticise it when the logo would be reproduced on some larger canvas. I started to wonder if I should take the initiative and do the corrections that I considered to be in the best interest of the organisation or if I should stick strictly to the original shape. Of course I could send such questions to the NGO leaders but they were very busy and had quite long response time. And many projects were stalled and could not move on before the logo was prepared so there was also a time pressure. 

What I was asking myself during the vectorisation process was if my work will be accepted, recognised and rewarded or if it will be criticised and refused. So I was quite worried about many things and I felt confused and anxious. I was also not sure about what is the procedure to become clear about the things that I wanted answer to since I was not clear about the roles in the NGO or who would be the most appropriate person to query. I wanted to do a good job however all the thinking created a depressed feeling and heaviness around my eyes.

I started to wonder why I am having so much trouble with such a relatively simple task while some individuals in the organisation seem to deal with their task very easily. Then I finally realised that I remembered how my father constantly pushed and criticised me while I was working in his family visual communications company. I was the only one using the computer to scan the logos from the flyers or business cards that clients delivered and I had to vectorise them very accurately and as fast as possible.

The next step of my responsibilities was to engage in the pre-press, do colour separation and films for the screen-printing department that my younger brother was in charge of. And if I made a single mistake, which I occasionally did, but it was discovered only after several hundred pieces of deliverables were printed, it resulted in quite some material damage and massive anger that was clearly expressed by my brother and my father. So during my design and pre-process I was in constant fear of later being emotionally attacked and blamed for damages.

Despite my brother taking over our family business about 17 years ago, me not working there anymore and moving to different part of our country, I still occasionally do some design work for my father using Skype and screen sharing. Lately we go along quite fine but occasionally he still comes with his pattern of getting inpatient and emotions of anger that trigger unpleasant feelings within me. And I am getting so much tired of living in constant expectation when he will call me next and fearing that after I do something for him he will be unsatisfied with my work.

Such experiences engrained and rooted deeply into my body to the level where they influence also myself in unpleasant way when I am working for any other client or do other work that can even not involve computers at all. So I am now going to apply the tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitments in order to shatter crystallised patterns that limit my self-expression and creative potentials:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid about what others will think about the results of my work. I realise that despite my work is a sort of extension and a part of me, the feedback given by others is often influenced by their projections and different kind of reasoning. When and as someone criticise my work and my mind produces thoughts like: “Oh no, they do not like me as a being.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to in such cases breathe effectively, listen to the feedback within emotional stability and see if I can improve the result of my work so that it will serve end users as best as possible in a practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured when engaging in a creative design process since it takes quite some time and inspiration to come with a good and fresh idea and then to also manifest it in a tangible form. I realise that despite of being pressured and not allowed enough time to creatively express during the period of me being employed by my father I am now my own boss and am able to take as much time as needed for me to be completely satisfied with the result. When and as I start with creative design process and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Time is money so you must hurry or the client will have to pay you much more money than needed.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to find clients who value high quality design and are also willing to pay fair price for it so that I can focus on being creative without any kind of unnecessary pressure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become depressed in cases when I do not know who in organisation that I collaborate with is responsible for what. I realise that the only solution for something that I am not clear about is to ask questions and get answers no matter how long it takes for me to be completely clear about whatever I need to know in order to move forward. When and as I am unclear about something and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Oh no, I will now have to spend time to write the questions and wait for the answers and thus the work will have to wait.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to be aware that being clear about things is the most important in life and that I am diligent in making all the necessary questions and be patient at receiving the answers. And during the time while I wait for a needed answer for me to be able to move on with a project, there are always many other tasks that I can do, especially perfecting myself by writing mind constructs like in this blog post.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Worry Wart from the Life Review series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence.

Day 159: Emotional dependency

I did not write into my blog for the last several weeks because there have been a lot of disturbing physical movements around the place where I live. Firstly the flatmate that lived in the room next to mine has moved out with his girlfriend to their own apartment. All the related activities that included total renovation of their previous room where I also assisted greatly took a lot of my time and attention. And then a young couple that lived in the apartment next to mined moved to that room. Again I also assisted them with cleaning and renovating of the room where their previously lived and with moving to the new room. New flatmates brought a completely new relationship dynamic to my life due to their specific personality and my relationship with them that formed within the last 3 years of living together as close neighbours.

The girl who moved to the room next to mine was going to a very emotional period and her experience while she was growing up with her parents shaped her into someone who craves for attention and is not able to sleep alone. Meaning that whenever her boyfriend would go away for two or more days, she would ask one of the neighbours if she can sleep in the same room or even the same bed with them despite of she being already 30 years old. In recent weeks, especially after they moved to my apartment, I was her favourite pick to spend the night together. To be clear, such kind of socialising was from her perspective not to be sexual in any way despite of also desiring hugging occasionally. We spent many hours, especially in the late evenings, talking about her emotional dependency and how strong she is missing her boyfriend at times when he is out for several days. But then she also started to share with me how they almost broke up a month ago since her boyfriend is becoming tired of her emotional outbursts and how he plans to be away even more frequently end for even longer periods of time.

They have been together for around 4 years and slowly it started to show that they have very different needs and future life agendas. Their relationship challenges now escalated to such extend that her boyfriend definitely decided to break up with her and move out of our shared apartment. Initially he wanted to move out already a week ago however he later changed his mind and decided to stay for another month. During that time he was firstly away for 5 days, now he is back for 2 days and then he will be again be gone for 10 days. While he was gone his ex-girlfriend became quite attached to me and she started to consider me as her new boyfriend. However whenever her ex-boyfriend returns she becomes extremely divided because she still loves him so much and would like to be with him indefinitely. Recent time period has thus for me been a very turbulent since I have been witnessing a lot of extreme emotional drama including crying, craving, jealousy, blaming, becoming angry and even physical violence by that girl.

Such events were also very challenging for me since I needed to decide how and to what extend shall I get involved in assisting the girl especially from perspective of becoming one end equal with her and supporting her with becoming less emotionally dependent and more self-reliant. Also I am now facing a decision whether become her boyfriend or not. This is where it is currently a bit hard to say now because I will be the closest person and her best friend to socialise with especially after her boyfriend will move out and I also like her a lot. It is in a way funny how life brings very similar kind of girls who are very emotionally unstable and need a lot of support to me. I have been already in couple of such relationships lasting around 3 years and it looks like a new one is about to start. With the difference of course that I am now more mature and skilled in understanding and responding to the minds of others and am also equipped with tools to support myself and fellow beings more effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of possible relationship with a very emotional girl due to prediction that our relationship will end in the same way as my previous relationships did and that I am thus wasting my time with her. This is due to my accepted and allowed belief that in my age of 43 it is about time to find some emotionally stable girl that I will have kids with who will grow up into great leaders and contribute to bettering of this world extensively. I realise that life does not necessary need to be about raising best kids and expecting them to become the change in this world and that I am already able to change myself and massively contribute to global society regardless of what kind of relationship I am in or if I will have my own children or not. When and as I am evaluating a potential partner and my mind goes like: “I must check the level of her emotional stability and accept her as my life partner only if she proves that she is stable enough.” to stop and breathe. I then rather decide to assist myself and others to become more emotionally stable in every single moment of my life according to my capacity and ability of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I engage in another relationship with a very emotional girl me and my projects will become compromised due to constant clinging and need for attention from such girl. I realise that in any given moment I am able to respond to current situation and protect myself and my interest to the level where I can feel comfortable. When and as I am becoming close to an emotional girl and my mind creates imagination of the future where I live in a suffocating relationship with such girl, I stop and breathe. Within the realisation that I am able to break any kind of relationship at any time, I continue living as an example of solution in terms of emotionally stable guy who is able to respond to any life challenge with confidence and self-assurance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a peaceful, stress-free life where I will be able to enjoy only the best of what this world has to offer. I realise that within the realisation that each of us is responsible for the current situation on this world, this is not the time where one can afford to ignore all the current suffering in existence, nor can anyone deny the fact that we are one and interconnected anymore. When and as I am picking direction of movement in my life and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Decide for an easy path of tranquility and abundance and avoid any kind of stress.” I stop and breathe. I commit myself to firstly focus on the process of self-perfection and at the same time to find best position in the global society where I can create the biggest leverage as possible to equally assist also others at the process of releasing ourselves from alternative energetic realities of the mind and starting to live responsibly as one and equal in this universal physical reality.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within free online DIP Lite course and to listen to educational audio titled Emotional Dependency from the Relationship Success Support series at Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to many about life and this existence.