Day 215: Change in chronic resonant condition

Since two years ago ever so slight pain persisted in my lower back that extended towards the right side. This pain would often increase or reactivate when I would prune or remove tall trees using climbing ropes and a tree harness or saddle. About a month ago a noticed that this pain point went away and I have not felt any pain in that lower right back area no matter how physically exhausting work I would perform.

A week ago I new pain activated in my lower back in a quite surprising event. I went up to the attic to collect the dried laundry. Then I went downstairs with the laundry basket until I reached the doors of the  1st floor hallway. I opend the door, went through it and closed it. A moment after that I started to think if I have turned the attic light off because the switch was right behind the door that I closed and I was not sure if I flipped the switch before I opened the door or not.

I started to think if I should bother to open the door again and check the position of the switch or not. At that time this apperant simple task that takes only couple of seconds seemed to me as an enormous effot. However since I wanted to assure that the lights at the attic are off, I have put the laundry basked on the floor, opened the door to the attic and checked the swith. After I saw that the swith indicated that the lights are off, I started to experience a sharp pain in the lower back. The pain however was not spreading towards the right side but was in the middle of my vertibra.

This pain came as a shock to me since I perceived it as something completely unnecessary and for no good reason. I just could not understand why I would experince such a big pain in while performing such small and easy everyday tasks. And the other fascinating fact is that that pain did not go away even after several day. Occasionaly it diminished almost completely, then it would increase again. So figured out that it wants to tell me something and thus I decided to do some writing again in order to get to the bottom of this.

Firstly I am not sure if the latest pain in the middle of my lower back is connected specifically to the thougth pattern or if it was just one drop too many. Because in relation to that thinkin was also past events where my drunk neigbout would oftern leave attic lights on after he would finish washing and hanging the laundy and other neigbout complaind about that. And other frequent thoughts in my recent time are related to my business and additional professional training that I plant to attend in the following few days.

Considering that pain in the back is related to overthinking, I can conslude that I was overthinking the point of cheking if the attic light are turned of or off. Thus I commit myself that whenever I return from the attic that I check if the light are turned off without any self-pity. In case that while I return from the attic I am thinking about something else and forget if I have during desent turned the lights off, I accept this as the fact without self-judgement and simply check the switch within emotinal stability.

In regards to the back pain being related to overcommitment and perfectionism, I can point towards my commitment to attend all available arboricultiural trainings and receive all the available certifications in that profession. In this year I completed te aerial rescue training and arborist rope access techniques level A in Vienna. And soon I will be in Vienna attending a 6-day arborist rope access techniques level B training. Initially I planned to also complete the arborist aerial lift training however I have then cancelled it because I estimated that it would be a too big money and time investment for me in this year.

Considering that I am in this illusion of separation and that I will leave everthing that is here behind, I am realizing how it does not matter what I do, because the sort of doing is irrelevant. I only am able to choose what I will do by picking from many available options and based on my ablilities, needs and desires.

Day 214: Pain in the middle of my back

Currently, the biggest point that calls for my attention is a pain in the middle of my back that has persisted for 3 weeks despite me already resting for 2 weeks due to rainy days and holidays. The vertebra in the middle of the spine also usually cracked after a minute or two when I would put myself in the upside-down hanging position using the inversion table. Also, the pain in my lower back has been occurring lately, and I feel it also during my work as a tree-climbing arborist while I am not in a very ergonomic position. A strong pain in my lower back occurred 2 years ago when I was doing height reduction of a big cherry tree with a harness that was not set properly, and I underquoted the project. So, the cause of the pain was a combination of physical and mental stress.

If I look at what could be the contributing factors for the pain in the middle of my back, I can also point out physical strain due to a period of intensive late winter and early spring work period when I would prune and cut down a lot of trees. I usually took only a day of rest after an exhausting project that lasted one or two days. Besides the back pain, I have been also experiencing tingling in my hands while I was lying down in my bed. The mental or psychosomatic factor is definitely the big step that I decided to make by ending a long period of me having the status of an unemployed person by becoming a self-employed sole entrepreneur. That change meant a loss of reliable monthly income and additional monthly expenses due to having to pay for healthcare, social insurance, and income tax.

While I was researching the significance of the pain point in the middle of the back I learned that it is also related to carrying burdens whether emotional or practical. Related emotions are guilt, responsibility, overcommitment, or feeling unsupported. Mental factors are chronic worry or overthinking, beliefs around self-worth and approval, internalized pressure and perfectionism, the mental conflict between wanting help and resisting it, and repressed or unprocessed thoughts. I perceived myself to be in a sufficient awareness of oneness and equality in order to process all the points that I am facing effectively in quantum time however it seems this not to be the truth. So it looks like I need to make a deep dive into my current state.

The reason for me to officially restart my own business is that I wanted to fit into the general population that accepts the enforced law and work for a wider range of customers. While I am aware that the public order is maintained using violence by the ruling government using implied consent and deception, I recognize the collective and personal benefits of such social structure. Thus instead of resisting everything that I do not agree with completely and specifically, I decide to again be part of the world system yet inform and educate others about better alternatives in a more subtle way. I also recognize that while the removal of all self-imposed limitations is the final goal, reaching that goal would also mean the end of all illusions and the start of a new age of darkness due to the boredom of experiencing limitlessness.

So I decide to take it slow and enjoy the journey of aware self-deception in the most balanced way that I am able to. One of the steps is also to pay the debt to the tax authority as compensation for being supported in the past several years. I realize that life and existence have no inherent meaning so I am simply moving myself forward in the frame of my current incarnation and according to the abilities of my human physical body towards what I am enjoying doing. I set my personal and professional goals as motivation for my movement since change is the only constant in life. I recognize the benefit of planned obsolescence since only things that degrade in time are able to create an infinite playground where I can experience all that is as myself in all possible combinations and varieties.

I decide to accept and allow the law as a self-imposed limitation and play the game of commercial activities by the book while I am also allowing myself the flexibility of movement as I am the ultimate limitless creator and creation. I allow others as parts of me to experience their own game of self-deception and suffering in this illusion of separation as this is the will of me as all that I am. I accept challenges that I experience in the game of self with self, having no other option but to operate in the spectrum between the extremes of complete forgetfulness and complete knowingness. While I express myself I am free from the approval of others and strive to do things best aligned with the industry standards, mainly for the purpose of self-enjoyment due to overcoming the resistance of all the elements that play a role as my opponents.

Besides keeping my mental state in balance I also take good care of my human physical body. I make sure that both sides of my body experience an equal amount of physical strain by mirroring the setup of my tree climbing harness and interchangeably using heavy tools on the left and right sides. While my profit will be income minus all taxes and fixed monthly expenses my priority is to earn enough money to cover my basic needs and the remaining funds will go towards my professional development. I take care to walk my life relaxed and take it as slowly as needed in order to avoid as many painful lessons as possible. I commit myself to do more frequent writing in order to process points with a greater level of success by bringing fast-moving parts of myself here and seeing them for what they are in full detail.