Day 170: Wanting to control what others think about me

Recently I and other members of Desteni group for self-perfection had a chat about the word control. This made me reflect also about what and how I want to control in my life. What I realized was a pattern, inherited from my father about wanting to present myself as an immaculate, spotless and good person. The consequences of such a tendency are constantly doing things from the starting point of wanting to positively impress others and fearing any criticism. Related behavior is also working mostly alone and only in a small environment where it is possible to directly control objects and co-workers. The root cause of such personality is low self-esteem, bad self-image, constant self-criticism and not realizing that we are able to control only so much in our lives. And also identifying self mostly with our picture representation and not with who we are in our secret minds. This results also in masking ourselves in different ways, like grooming and dressing in order to produce a visual image that others would admire.

Lately, I have watched a lot of documentary TV shows about law enforcement and customs officers where they have identified activities of breaking the law. They then hunted down and punished the people who were responsible for unlawful acts. That reminded me to also some of my past experiences of attending the court hearings, getting a ticket for driving over the speed limit and parking where it was not permitted. And what I noticed from documentaries was how records of past misconducts were kept about every individual and how it influenced the actions of law-enforcement officers. However incriminating records can be produced also in many other ways. Basically, now everyone can create a post on social media, write a blog, publish a newspaper article and thus write something bad about an individual and thus influence the public image of anyone. And of course, I also do not want to be someone who is targeted by some derogatory information, especially if it is not true.

What I noticed about myself through the experience of first hypnotic regression to my past life, was that I felt being crucified without doing anything wrong. However, the second regression exposed that I am someone who is in case of self-protection also able to kill without mercy. So I am basically now walking the process of identifying what actions that others have sentenced me was I actually responsible for by breaking the laws of life. And for which actions I have been sentenced wrongly by others breaking the laws of life and then projected their own crimes onto me. Here is where I have to be very careful about my self-honesty. Because one thing is being accused of breaking the law, created by men in form of national legislation however one can despite not breaking any man-made law be a criminal in the eyes of life. Since every single time, we do not consider others as one and equal and act from the starting point of self-interest, we are guilty of a crime against other living beings.

My recent experience was also something where I have been challenged by the law of men and the law of life. From the perspective of the law of life, I wanted to attract and employ people who would resonate with me on a very deep level. My public call for applications included some unusual questions and someone made a complaint that I had broken the law of man. This resulted in the start of the inspection process that took a lot of my time, created additional costs and delayed the employment process. During the hearing, I had to present the evidence about my actions and to explain myself. Within this experience, I learned how careful I had to be about using words since they would be then interpreted by another person who has the power to decide if I broke any law of men and also if I am to be punished by only a warning or also by having to pay money. Also, any record of being convicted could prevent me and my organization to apply for public grants and participate in other similar development opportunities.

During this process that took several weeks, I after long time noticed how the energy of fear wanted to take a grip of me again. I felt in form of pressure in my head and a foggy mind and when I attended one public event it also accumulated to the point of me experiencing small vertigo. That was an indication that I need to look at this point as soon as possible and to take back the power that my mind has been challenging. So I am now going to look at some points where I abdicated self-responsibility in regards to laws of life and correct myself in order to become a more supportive part of this existence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any confrontation with representatives of the law of men, believing that receiving an invitation to get inspected is already an indication that I failed. I realize that the legal system is not only inspecting those who act suspiciously but is also randomly checking out individuals who perfectly comply with all laws of men. I commit myself to when and as I receive an invitation from representatives of the law of men and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You are now in deep shit and this is just the initial phase of being convicted for some crime!” to stop and breathe. I then respond to the invitation within the realization that employees of the public system also just do their job and have yet to gather evidence and prove that I broke any low of men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in an activity before I have in detail read and understood every law that is related to that activity. I realize that by not understanding the law completely I can without awareness break a law and thus enabling others to prosecute me in a lawful way. I commit myself to when and as I engage in a particular activity and my mind is producing thoughts like: “There are so many laws out there that it is impossible to know them all so best to just do your best and check only those laws that others have indicated that you broke them!” to stop and breathe. I then slow down, take time to understand all the necessary laws since at least here in Slovenia legislation is not so complex as in some other countries.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to be careful enough within my communication with others despite my inner voice of life telling me that others might understand the nature of my writing very different than what I actually wanted to express. I commit myself to when and as I am communicating with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just quickly write your thoughts and if someone will understand them differently, it will be completely their fault!” to stop and breath. I then rather slow down, become one and equal with those who will read my writing and use such words where the possibility of misinterpretation is diminished to the minimum level that I am able to achieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to make mistakes, especially in cases where others are point them out. I realize that I am not perfect and that making mistakes will continue to be part of my life since it is a natural part of learning. I commit myself to when and as someone has pointed out some of my mistakes and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should be ashamed of yourself since other have discovered that you are a bad person!” to stop and breathe. I then rather thank them for showing them my imperfections within the understanding that others can play a role of a mirror and thus assist me in speeding up the process of self-realization. But above all, I commit myself to primarily listen to the voice of life within me that is pointing out my mistakes in the most gentle and the least consequential way possible.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

Who am I as Control
What Is Inner Control
Consequences of Inner Control

The Unpredictability of Life

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak
Your Clothes Control Your Life
Everything Must Be Just So
Freedom within Control
Leadership: Control Versus Guiding
Controlling Your Life or Allowing Direction to Unfold

Day 169: A true origin of my sadness exposed

It has been around 20 years since I started the journey of self-discovery and over 8 years since I have been walking the process of self-perfection by writing blogs and recording vlogs. However, during this process, I have not felt the increase in my awareness in relation to what I have accepted and allowed to become. Meaning during the process I did look at the past events where I have abdicated my self-responsibility and committed to correct myself. However, I have until recently not felt such shame as I am feeling now. Also in past decades, I felt some sort of undefined sadness that has been noticeable from my facial expression in form of dark baggy eyes. Until recently I assumed that the sadness was about all the traumatic events that I have experienced in my past. However, I see now that what I am actually sad about is what I have allowed and accepted in my life. As far I can remember, I have defined myself as a good person that does not want to harm anybody and that all that happened to me had nothing to do with who I am. I claimed that I am an innocent victim and punished by life for no reason. Boy oh boy was I wrong!

I see my childhood as quite pleasant, with memories of just a couple of unpleasant events. Now the problem with the memories is how we tend to remember mostly bad things and disregard all the good stuff. And it was exactly the same with me. All the abundance, safety, and love that my parent provided I just took for granted. That is what made me turn into a spoiled brat. I understand that my over-protective environment played a role in that but boy it took a long time for me to understand how much spoiled I have become. I and my brother lived for many years in a safe family bubble where were provided by our father with the latest gadgetry. Computers and television then contributed for me to sink into an even more deceptive bubble of virtual reality where I have played god and attacked other from. All the images, especially porn, created layers of energetic addictions. Thus whenever I faced challenges, instead of facing and understanding them, I took refuge in the alternative worlds of emotional and orgasmic experiences. That took me in such separation of life that I am just slowly becoming aware of the real depth of my demise.

Now that I am experiencing some kind of quantum leap in my awareness, I am having a great challenge in deciding what to do. I do not want to be the self-centered spoiled kid anymore, however, I see that such tendencies are still a part of me and it will still take time for me to transform my behavior patterns and energetic addictions. I feel like a heavy train that has been driving towards the cliff with full speed. I have become aware of the cliff and have hit the brakes, however, it will take the train some time to stop completely due to inertia.

I see for example how a photography at first glance is an innocent art that started to become my passion already at my young age. However, one perspective using photography is to manifest points of separation. When looking through the viewfinder, a photographer positions himself on 'the other side of the lens' where all that matters is a framed composition of visual elements in a moment. A photographer does not need to care about what events lead to the current state of reality and what will be the outflow of events in the future. The trapped moment of time is then observed over and over again in form of a photo and in many cases, a deep emotional bond is created to that picture. A photo is an attempt to stop the time and create an experience of eternity. Generally when taking a photo one does not ask or needs to ask for a permission to take a snapshot. So it is also much like stealing something from someone. And also within such stealing, one is being very careful to compose all the shapes and colors with the starting point to entice as strong emotional reaction from the observers of the photo as possible. Sure photography can also function as evidence of past events however generally it functions as an attempt to control something or to gain something.

A camera has played a role of the protective shield also in my life for many years. I have been hiding behind the lens and also behind a TV and computer screen for too long. For so long that I have lost the interest in doing much of the physical work. Because using computer things move much faster and the physical reality takes much more time to manifest. This is why I have also become impatient and restless, constantly needing some pictures, sounds, and information to fill my mind and keep me entertained. For physical labor, I defined myself as someone who is overqualified and would waste my potentials if I engage in some kind of job that does not require a lot of intellectual skills. Consequently, I am keeping myself trapped in computer-related jobs that create a strain on my physical body due to long periods of keeping myself in a sitting position. Sadly it is also the money that influences my business decisions since most of the highest paid jobs are now also related to using computers. On the other hand, the information age is also connecting us again, thought externally, but is enabling us a reflection of what is going on in our minds and serves as a beneficial projection of our internal reality. So the key is to make the best of all this mess and to figure out how to create a future where we would not be enslaved and separate anymore by our own creation.

What I am also dealing with here is a chicken and egg situation. I am quite satisfied with being single and do not have a need to be in a relationship with someone to be happy. So I am asking myself if this is something that is the true nature of my being or a consequence of my upbringing. I see how much I am like my father and have wondered how much of what I am are personalities that I have copied from him as a child. Or it could be just that my father and I have similar nature of our beingnesses that both like to work alone and would not change much regardless of the environment. Well, all that I can do is to continue my process of identifying the points of separation within me and to move towards creating the future based on the principle of what is best for all. It is up to me to challenge and expand myself but to be at the same time careful not to overwhelm myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my life to be directed mostly by the energies of good emotions and bad feelings instead of directing myself as life as one and equal. I commit myself to stop all the energy addictions and to direct myself based on the principle of what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other being only as their picture manifestation. And then also comparing them to ideals of perfection and judging any visual imperfection instead of treating them as one and equal as who I am as life. I realize that everything that I am able to observe with my human physical eyes is much more than I am able to see and understand that we are all an equal part of this existence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am looking at someone and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this and that imperfection on their face and their body and how they dress!” to stop and breathe. I then place myself into the body of the person that I observe and understand how my life would be if I would be in their body and to have their life experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe women mostly from the perspective of how a sexual experience with them would be. I realize that I have been conditioned by years of watching porn where I have started to associate the appearance of a woman with experience of orgasm. Thus I commit myself to when and as I want to experience a physical orgasm and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at some woman or a picture of a woman or imagine a woman during masturbation since you will experience the energy of orgasm quicker!” to stop and breathe. I commit myself to practice masturbation only as an act of my physical body self-expression within the realization that I do not need to imagine anything let alone having to include any other body to experience an orgasm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I interact with others for my actions to have the starting point of wanting to impress others in order for them to admire me and then to feel good about myself. I realize how self-centered my interactions with others have been since I mostly wanted to impress others using advance knowledge and information and also other skills that I have gathered. Thus I commit myself to when and as I interact with other and my mind is producing thought like: “Just think what great information will you tell them in order to impress them and prove that you know more than they do!” to stop and breathe. I then communicate with others from the starting point of equality, share the information that is relevant to them or ask them questions in order to find out how they feel and if there is anything that I can assist them with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a perfectionist and to become angry about myself every single time when I notice some imperfection about myself. I realize that tendency towards the perfection is a projection of not accepting myself as who I am as my physical body, mind and the being that all have its limitations and do change over time. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see something about myself and my mind is producing thoughts like: “You should have done or looked like this instead of that!” to stop and breathe. I then within the realization that everything is changing and that nothing will ever fit the complete criteria of someone's imagination do my best to strive towards my goals but also fully accept how I am and how I perform at this very moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and compete with others where I wanted to prove that I know much more than others and can do things better than others for the sake of feeling good. I realize that self-perfection is supportive however we all have different preconditions, different environments, different bodies, different minds, different beings and can not perfect self by comparing ourselves to others. Thus I commit myself to when and as I observe others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look at this guy or girl and what they have achieved!” to stop and breathe. I then consider only my original and current state of everything that I currently am an have achieved and continue to perfect self in relation only to my own life path. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I observe others how they struggle and experience discomfort and pain to feel good about myself. I realize that any energetic movement within myself when observing others how they suffer is a manifestation of pure evil and separation. Thus I commit myself to when and as I see others in a problematic situation and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Look how funny they are when they suffer!” to stop and breathe. I then immediately place myself in the position of the individual that I observe and understand that I could equally be in the same position as they are. I then also see what I can do to diminish the suffering that others endure since we are all in this together.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and to listen to the following related educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence:

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity
Shame, Shame, Shame
Wall of Shame
Shame & Self Forgiveness

Day 168: Transforming my masturbation patterns

It has been around 5 years since the breakup with my last girlfriend. Similar to my first relationship, the last one also laster around 3 years. In both relationships, the sex was great and I would not mind being again in a committed sexual relationship. However, due to my upbringing, my life priorities were elsewhere and being in a relationship and creating my family was far from my main life objective. I am functioning as a pretty independent person and have learned to satisfy my sexual needs by applying masturbation. It is in many ways more practical and safe than engaging in sex with another person. Initially, I have been masturbating only by using touch, then I have been doing it by listening to certain songs, porn magazines and eventually I also started to watch pornographic movies. I learned that using porn can create certain addictions and I have been careful not to become addicted. However recently I have been observing myself and noticed some indications that addiction could be developing so I am going to within this blog post look deeper into this matter.

Regarding masturbation, many people are ashamed of it, do not like to talk about it and some have even accepted a belief system that defines it as something bad. One of my friends told me how the nursery where her parents were leaving her when she was a preschool child has been run by the Christian nuns. They forced children to sleep in a position where their hands had to be on top of the blanket in order to prevent touching any dirty part of the body. And she hated this experience a lot. Defining part of your body as dirty is definitely a point of separation that can develop even into sexual obsessions, fears, constrictions or fetishes in adult years. Sexuality is something natural and despite the addictive quality of sexual orgasmic energy, it can be managed responsibly and practiced in moderation. Such has also been my intent and I so far always applied a directive principle in my sexual practices in order not to harm myself or others.

The same way goes with using pornographic materials. Especially porn videos and now the virtual and augmented reality of the porn industry is something that is used on a daily basis by most of the people of both sexes. The danger here is that many people who masturbate by watching porn can develop an obsession where they can no longer control themselves and thus start to rape others. Also by watching porn users often escalate their preference into more and more violent and exotic sexual scenes. In regard to that, I am satisfied with the fact that my porn preferences remain all these years the same and that I enjoy mostly the scenes where a man and a girl engage in normal sex and where the girl is enjoying herself. I have also satisfied myself only by watching short free porn clips and I never desired to watch long porn movies where I would have to pay some kind of subscription in order to access it. It also assisted me that several years ago I have been for two years taking Kriya Tantra classes where we learned how to direct sexual energy.

All these years I have been careful about being able to achieve orgasm regardless of masturbating using porn or without it. And I especially have paid attention to climax without using any kind of imagination. There are different opinions about the level of consent when masturbating while watching porn movies. And there are different opinions about whether something that you do in the imagination of your mind is an actual act or not since it does not influence physical reality directly and immediately. However, I have learned to understand that also what one does in their secret minds it an act after all and it creates certain kind of consequences. It is clear that if you engage in sexual intercourse with someone in the flesh it is considered rape and punishable by law. Imagining to have sex with someone in your mind without their consent can then also be interpreted as a form of rape. Because the individual that you had sex within your mind did not give you consent for that action despite you imagining that they have willingly fucked you. This is also why I avoid masturbating while imagining that I am having sex with someone that I know in real life.

At porn, the existence of consent is a bit more tricky to define. Because porn stars mostly are aware that people who watch pornographic movies will use them to masturbate while imagining that they are one of the actors in the porn movie. Plus porn performers are also being financially compensated for their work. This is why also I have been occasionally masturbating while watching the porn clips. What is specific about me is that I am a visual guy who professionally worked in graphic design, professional photography and video production for many years. I like watching movies in general and thus porn movies for me were just another kind of visual art that I allow myself to enjoy occasionally. However, I am aware that similar to any other industry, also in the porn industry, there is a lot of abuse. I learned how millions of children are being kidnapped every single year and many are forced into sex slavery. However, it is not only the porn industry that is responsible for all the sexual abuse since even in homes and churches there is a lot of rape. Not only that, there are large cults and pedophile rings who even eat bodies of the babies.

The biggest problem with the porn and imagination is that creates separation and reduces the awareness that all actions in this physical reality have consequences. When you are while watching porn pretending that you are the person in the movie or if you are in your imagination pretending to have sex with someone in such cases there is no direct and immediate notable consequence. In your own mind, everyone is their own god and able to do all kind of things without percieved outflow of events in the physical. So there is a danger that after frequent execution of an act in your mind you might start thinking that there will also be no consequences if you execute the same act in the real world. Such thought can obsess and possess you and drive you into forceful and harmful acts like rape in the context of sexuality. One also starts to lose the ability to distinguish between the picture and the actual physical object. Such danger basically exists when using any kind of simulation from digital screens to computers or even photos and paintings. Many are no longer able to separate actual reality and picture representation of reality. This is actually the reason for all kind of abuse in this world where we can no longer relate to others and thus do not treat them as equals.

Now after I have been observing myself how I sexually respond to the proximity of young females I noticed that responses have not been as I would want them to be. What became noticeable was more immediate and frequent arousal and sexual thoughts about young females. This could be a consequence of me using porn to masturbate more frequently in the recent times than before. My flatmate that used to be around more in the past has been for most of the days out of the apartment for even several weeks in the row. Meeting and chatting with her on a daily basis and even hugging occasionally has been a presence of female energy that has been very beneficial for me in the past. However now I hardly ever see or talk to her and even short chats with her have become much more distant since she is being in a very different mindset than in the past. It has been 5 years since I had a regular sexual partner and after that, I only had sexual intercourse once with another female. I don't know about others but I am not inclined to one-night stands. Never have I went out to clubs with the intent of a hookup and to get laid. My parents did not allow me to be out late at night while I was a minor and after that, I was so consumed with working in our family business that I practically did not have the time or will to visit bars. Also, I do not want to hook up with a girl that drinks or smokes so it is more practical for me to connect with them at dating websites where I can filter out girls that have unacceptable habits.

At the current age of 45 I am thinking about should I even search for a new life partner and create a family of my own or would it fit me best to remain single. I am enjoying a drama-free life so very much that I hardly can imagine how it would look like to be in a relationship again. I am constantly doing something like learning, researching, transforming and sharing self and developing projects. My current goal is to create an educational organization that will offer support to teachers, parents, and children in a wide way. So despite currently not actively looking for a life partner, I plan to sooner or later be surrounded with many co-workers and children of different ages. So the short-term goal is to now firstly develop the organization, provide the funds, and then only will also my personal financial situation be more appropriate to engage in a new life partnership. What is important for me is to be satisfied with who I am, to take good care of my physical body and my property, expand myself, and develop projects that have the power to make the situation on this world better for as many living beings as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to masturbate while watching porn and imagining that I am having sex with the girl in the video. I realize that whenever I engage in masturbation while using porn for faster and easier climax, I condition myself more and more and deepen dependency of experiencing orgasm to watching porn. This can eventually develop in my inability to masturbate and climax without watching porn which is definitely an addiction that I do not want to have. Thus I commit myself to when and as I desire to masturbate and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just turn on the porn for additional enjoyment of pleasuring also your eyes since it has been produced with full consent and financial compensation for all the actors exactly for such kind of entertainment.” to stop an breath. I then rather challenge myself to watch porn by paying attention that nothing inside me moves and thus strengthen the ability to distinguish what is real as the physical and what is a picture-representation. Or I engage in masturbation without observing any sexual product or using imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is not real and whatever I do in my imagination has no consequence. I realize that while there is no direct and immediate consequence outflow of actions in human minds, they are actions after all and they did influence me in terms of easier and quicker experience of orgasm and ejaculation which is a tangible physical consequence. Thus I commit myself to when and as I feel the urge to release my sexual energy and my mind produces thoughts like: “You are free to use imagination as the tool to achieve orgasm much more effectively since it is totally safe to use it and has no negative consequences on you or others.” to stop and breathe. I then within the awareness of the actual consequence of using imagination engage in only pure physical sexual intercourse with myself or other people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret involvement of actors in the porn movies like they have given me full consent to masturbate and imagine that I am the guy in the movie who is fucking them or even making them pregnant. I realize that while usually, porn actors have given consent for their sex acts to be recorded for public screenings and they have been financially compensated, the porn out there could violate their agreement. I learned that most porn actors are being paid very little, some have been forced to act in one way or another and a lot of pornographic videos on the web is being pirated thus the actors have not been compensated fairly for their work. And despite the existence of some awareness that people will watch their porn movies during masturbation and that some porn stars are even flattered by that, most actors did not give direct consent to in the imagination engage in sexual intercourse with them. Besides that, they probably would not be happy with any viewer to execute their imagination in the real world and have sex with them without their direct and specific consent. Thus I commit myself to when and as I would like a sexual experience and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just watch some porn end imagine how you are the one who is fucking the brains out of that beautiful teen since she has given you full consent to do that.” to stop and breathe. I then avoid using any kind of imagination regardless of using porn or not and engage in sexual intercourse only with people who gave me specific consent for that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive as that masturbation is something that I can engage in at any time and as frequently as I desire to since it is something natural and will not negatively influence my relationships with others. I realize that while masturbation is something completely normal it does result in an energetic experience which has addictive qualities like all energies in general. I admit that I have been using masturbation lately much more often due to feeling bored and wanted to distract my mind and entertain myself. The fact is that overusing any kind of distraction in form of positive energetic experience as an escape from heavy negative energetic feeling is compromising. Thus I commit myself to when and as I am low and my mind is producing thought like: “Just lift yourself up by immediately engaging in pleasures of masturbation.” to stop and breathe. I then rather rest or take a break in form of physical exercise or walking. And in case of there is something deep that is bothering me to use speaking and writing to discover and remediate the root cause of it. But of course, I also allow myself to masturbate or have sex with someone from time to time in form of my pure physical expression without using any kind of imagination.

In relation to this blog post, I invite you to assist also yourself with awesome self-perfecting tools within the DIP Lite free online course and the following previous blog posts of mine that are related to porn:

Day 43: Masturbation research (13 May 2013)
Day 108: Relationship addiction (16 August 2013)
Day 110: Overcoming addiction to sex energy (24 August 2014)

And I invite you to listen to educational audios from Eqafe web store with hundreds of extremely supportive educational items that hold answers to any imaginable question about life and this existence. Here are links to videos and audios that are relevant to this blog post:

The Effect of Porn on New Relationships (Video - Part 1)
Facing the Fear of Porn Addiction (Video - Part 2)
Addiction Energy & Memories (Audio - Reptilians)
Addiction and Change (Audio - Quantum Mind)
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation Series (31 audios)
Relationship Success Support Series (126 audios)
What is Sex Series (37 audios)