Day 73: Overcoming mind energetics

Since I moved in the new apartment and am again living single, some old patterns reappeared that sabotage my life and lower my success in achieving desired goals. I experience resistance to learning, I lack of self-discipline and I indulge in watching movies and also temptations of masturbating while watching port are becoming more and more seductive.

For example I have errands to do and then I start to think about everything that I would have to go through in order to accomplish them. I imagine things that I will have to do but I do do not like them very much and thus my mind becomes cloudy and I experience tiredness and sleepiness. However instead of focusing or resting in order to clarify things, I usually decide to watch some YouTube video. Sometimes this could be bunch of short funny videos or even movies that are about 2 ours long.

When watching movies I have a bad feeling due to thinking that I am vasting my time however I also feel good due to nice pictures, scenes, drama and action in the movies. It is my way of running from the reality, of reseting, however I understand that this is not the solution. Usually after finishing watching some cool movie, I again become sad that the movie already ended so I immediately pick another one and watch it until I feel satisfies enough and it is so late that I feel very bad and I finally decide to go to sleep.

Also since I moved I did not continue to read any book. I feel that reading books is too boring comparing to watching movies. There is no color, no movement and no sounds when reading a book and it is also annoying since the letters are so small and I have to turn pages. However I am learning that reading is essential for self-empowerment and self-realization. Leader are always readers. So if I want to achieve my goals, I will have to change my habits extensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think about things that might happen in the future if I decide for certain project or job instead of breathing effectively, staying here and moving step by step and allowing myself the opportunity to see what will actually happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to when I experience tiredness to start watching movies or even masturbate instead of calming down, resting and focusing and then continue with thing that I have planned to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stop reading instead of realizing that reading each day and expanding my vocabulary each day is very important for creating a habit of self-education and enlarging my ability to focus that will result in being more successful in all areas of my life.

Day 72: Managing priorities

In the past several days I participated in the evening class and I would thus wake up late in the morning. I planned to spend couple of ours per day to integrate the information that we learned and I wondered when would be the best time to do this.

In the morning when I woke up I felt like there is more than enough time left in day that I could do also some other errands however then time went by so quickly that I was left with just an hour of time to practice knowledge integration. So from now on I will do my practice first time in the morning and then only do other errand if enough time is left.

Day 71: Resistance to learning by hearth

I am taking a class where we are to learn some text by hearth. Firstly we are to learn some key phrases and then we learn some expanded text as addition to the key phrases. As long as I remembers, I have had a resistance to learning by hearth, especially numbers, like years and dates or PIN codes. It is not that I did not find myself incapable of remembering information but I lacked the motivation to remember.

For example at history class we were to remember a lot of year and dates in relation to some major world events. The resistance to learning such information was there since firstly I was not given any example how memorizing this kind of information will benefit my life and how I would be practically be able to use this information in my future years of life, and secondly because I was aware that basically everything that is taught in schools is a lie as the history is written by winners in wars, thus it shows only limited perspective on what happend and the whole school curriculum is used to create certain mentality of the citizens so that they are in sort of hypnosis, not being aware and thus also not caring about what currently exists in this world.

So now I am studying information that is from more reliable source and is in best interest of all the humanity but I still have this resistance and lack of motivation. The first fact that creates resistance in me is that we are learning information in English but later I will be mostly or only be using this information in our national Slovenian language. Thus I will have to then firstly translate the texts and then learn the Slovenian text by hearth. I don't know if I will later even again be practically using the English memorized information in real life so I find it kind a waste of time to lear it in English. 

The second point is that we are to learn and memorize text by hearth where every single word is very specific and important. I always had a resistance towards memorizing information by hearth, like poems in the primary school and mathematical equations and it was also due to lack of motivation. And generally, as many other peers experience, I had problems with learning due to ineffective schooling system where there were too much children in one class, the method of teaching was ineffective and we were all terrorized and threatened with low grades and punishments, so the whole schooling experience was very unpleasant and stressful.

Where I now have to learn new information, the learning environment is much more kind and supportive, however there is still a time pressure, conditioning and money pressure. It would be cool to learn if there would be no deadline and if I would live in a system where my survival would be unconditionally guaranteed. However I am taking this class due to money motivation and fear motivation and my success in the class will also result in my succes of being able to earn money and thus guarantee my survival in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my past experiences of schooling to influence my new experience of learning instead of effectively breathing, staying here, focusing on the material and integrating it successfully. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be angry at class organizers who demand from me to learn information in English and not my local Slovenian language, instead of realizing that at this stage the learning of the knowledge involves participants from all parts of the world who also have different native languages and we all have to use the most used language which is English in order to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to loose motivation to learn the information in English due to believing that I will not be able to apply it in my everyday life, instead of realizing that also if I learn something in foreign language, I can explain and translate information to anybody in real time and that learning this way is the only way where I can be supported and given experience of structured learning that I will then be able to share with others in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear that I will in the future forget the information that I will be spending hours to learn and that there must be more effective way of use of my time, instead of trusting myself and pushing through the resistance as I am at this time not able to motivate and direct myself effectively.

Day 70: Self-forgiveness on perfection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be the best of the group and thus compete with other peers for speed and high points instead of realizing that life is not about being better than other but about collaboration and mutual support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of fear of judgement which is in fact wanting to be perfect in the eyes of the others instead of realizing that each one of us is any time in certain level of integration of some knowledge or skill and comparing yourself to others is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to quietly in my mind criticize others and comparing myself to others and then feeling good due to conclusion that I am much better at some skill than others instead of realizing that we all have different skills, history and physical predispositions thus believing that each one must have the same skills is crazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of being judged if I ask some question and thus exposing that I do not know something instead of realizing that I will only be able to learn if I ask questions about the things that I not know without worrying about what other people would thing about my question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to expand my vocabulary and stay at my current level of vocabulary and word definitions instead of realizing that the reality is vast and complex and that I will only be able to understand the world and myself by knowing new words that would allow me to ask questions and communicate clearly and precisely about what I would like to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind energies of highs and lows to direct me instead of me directing myself and moving based on the principle.

Day 69: Fear of forgetfulness

Today I will start attending a seminar which will be quite intense. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to keep up with the peers, that I will not be able to commit all the information to memory and that I will forget the knowledge quickly.

I fear that I will be judged by the educator, that I will be evaluated and found not good enough and thus removed from the group. I am question what is the best method of learning and what works best for me. Ever since high school I have not been involved and any serous study. I researched a lot on my own, I am basically learning every day, but the learning has not been structured and automatized as the course that I will be attending. 

I do not like the pressure and being forced into learning certain information in certain time span equally with my other peers. I want freedom, feeling relaxed and having fun. However this kind of approach is also not very effective in terms of best use of my time. Self-motivation to learn is very difficult to build up so I am looking forwards to the systematic approach where I will learn more in less time.

Day 68: Sharing the washing machine

In the new small apartment I do not have a washing machine. The apartment I rent was advertised as equipped with all the necessary equipement, thus I also expected to have a washing machine. I asked the landlady about how will I be washing my laundry and we made and agreement that I will be allowed to use her washing machine until I would buy my own.

Today enough of laundry accumulated to fill one washing machine so I asked the landlady if she can wash it. This was also the last day after she would travel abroad for couple of days, so I wanted to make sure that the laundry would be done in time before she left. So she did allow me to go to her bathroom, I used my own washing powder and switched on the machine. After two hours she gave me a ring and told me that washing is completed. I went to pick the laundry and hanged it on the terrace in the middle of sunny Sunday.

I also discussed with my landlady how uneconomic it is for each apartment to have its own washing machine since at least I do not use it more that two hours per week thus it would be better if the whole house would have just one machine and we would share it. But we have became so used to individuality and separation that for the most of the people this would require too large change of the mindset. But let's face it, this kind of arrangement would be much better for all and also for the environment. 

We already started to share a lot of thing. For example, we have public transportation, public roads and other infrastructure and the latest city acquisition is the city bicycle sharing network. This is a nice step towards the realisation that we in fact do not need to poses things in order to use it. So in the future we just need to expand this concept as wide as possible and implement it at all points of our life. And the quickest way to make this true is by implementing the political solution of an Equal Money System.

Day 67: Uncertainty about the future

Days from 64 to 66 are in my Slovenian blog.

I planned to go around my new neighborhood in these days in order to know the people who live here and to introduce myself and my new services. I prepared a brochure with different sorts of services that I would offer, from babysitting, teaching computer skills, English language, to graphic and web design services all the way to trimming bushes and cleaning suages. But then I started to doubting about the impression that I would make and if it would not be best if I reduce the services to similar types and not be to vague. Also the rainy storms are appearing and this also prevented me to go around and nock on the doors of the neighbors.

Someone called me two days ago and expressed the interest to buy one of my computers that I am selling online. If I would make a sale in monday as predicted, I would get enough money to pay the rent in time and this possibility removed the worry about where I would come with enough money. However now I am worried if the person would loose interes and change his mind and then I would be in trouble. So until Monday I would not know for sure how things will develop.

Then on the Monday evening also some training starts and will be ongoing for several days thus I do not want to fill my schedule too much since I want to reserve enough time for learning. Thus I now decided to finish some additional ads for the stuff and stock that I want to sell. However I am not very fun of searching all the invoices and extracting the purchased price in order to set the sales price. I am not excited at all and feel very heavy and sleepy. This could also be the influence of the weather. Thus I occasionally escape by watching movies.

Well, I do make some progress, slowly but surely and expect that everything will turn out just fine. I plan to discipline myself more, change my thinking and behavior patterns however I feel great resistance. I am breathing a lot, sorting out financial papers and building my new dream-board and action plan.