Day 205: Dangers of the Martyr Complex

The natural process in life is expanding, pushing the envelope, increasing our awareness, abilities, and capacities. Sometimes one can push themselves too much and from the starting point of the ego which then reflects in form of pain and whatnot. And this has also been my recent experience where I allowed myself to be enveloped by the Martyr Complex. Doing best for all is a trick mission that can quickly slip into a self-victimization character. When being in a group where the vision is to remove all points of separation from existence, the task can feel daunting, human life-span short and that then translates into great urgency and time pressure. Taking self-responsibility of all of the existence requires a decision about how to make the best use of available time to manifest the change out there while maintaining a balance in personal life so that personal power is not being compromised.

I am glad to be part of a group with the vision of improving the living situation on this planet for all living beings equally. And that I am a distributor of new educational technology that has the potential of empowering its users and making them more aware and capable of responsible living here in harmony and abundance. It is a great satisfaction to be part of individuals that impact society positively. At the weekly online meeting, our leaders motivate us with mission statements, visions, and executions plans. The objective is to create urgency and make us move towards at least reaching a minimum weekly goal. Some individuals are capable of moving themselves effectively since they have transcended the resistance to a sufficient level. However many are still in the beginning stage of the process and still influenced by emotions. So it is not easy to come with a universal approach that would be effective for all group members at their different location points.

I have been conditioned in the past by living and working in the environment of my parents into being someone that requires to be moved by others using emotions. However, I have been walking not the path towards achieving self-movement for many years and made significant progress. Nevertheless, I have to be careful about the emotional pressures of others in order not to sacrifice myself too much and fall and consequently fall out of balance. I learned that one is able to help others effectively only if one has helped itself first and gained proper stability and capacity. A balance in personal life on all levels is suggested to be achieved and maintained at all times before one attempts to engage in the transformation of the global system. That includes establishing sufficient and regular money income, developing their own vocabulary, increasing processing speed, and gaining emotional stability. 

While working myself on these points I have noticed many resistances to change. In terms of sleeping duration, I learned that humans require only 4-6 hours of sleep per night. With that information, I have started to go to bed with a self-commitment to go out of bed immediately when I wake up naturally or after no more than 6 hours of sleep. I have experienced waking up after sleeping only 4 hours and recently I woke up after just one and a half hours. Yet whenever I would wake up and see how much time it only passed since I fell into sleep, my mind would immediately start creating doubt that I am rested enough. It created thought of fear that this can not be and that brain damage could develop if I allow myself to sleep so little. I do additional 15-minute naps during the day however my mind would calculate all the naps and add it to the total time of a daily sleep in order to reach the sum of 8-hour daily norm. During every nap, it created intense dreams that resulted in mental tiredness and decisions to continue with snoozing several times in a row. And I have become deeply disappointed about that.

Additionally, I also relapsed into watching short videos before I decided to take a nap. For example, after I would work with a computer for a couple of hours, I would go to my bed to take a rest. However, instead of just setting a timer on my smartphone for the alarm to wake me after 15 minutes, I got enticed with watching short movie clips. My mind has been justifying that I would relax even more if I watch some comedy gags or movie trailers that are no more than 3 minutes long. However, after I would watch the first one, I would not get enough kick out of it, and since YouTube is a master of offering clips that would interest you the most, I would continue with watching the second one, and then the third one and so one. So instead of only 15 minutes of planned rest, I would spend up to half an hour, sometimes even more, before the actual nap. And there would even be cases when I would watch some clips after the nap. It is like the mind would drive me into spending an equal amount of time that I saved by sleeping less with indulging in entertainment and thus showing me that sleeping less does not pay off. This is of course also something that I want to fix in order to decrease the wasting of time.

Now besides the pain in the neck and in the lower back, there is also a third pain that started to occur. It felt like it originated in the middle of the back and branched very narrowly across the left side of my back. It would shoot whenever I would work with the vocabulary building software that I am a distributor of in cases where I would make a mistake at typing the word from a default integrated word list wrongly. So it was a very specific pain connected to a very specific action which I found very interesting. I concluded that this was a consequence of self-judgment within anger, connected to the character of self-perfectionist. And shortly after I realized that and became aware of this point of limitations, the pain started to decrease and does not come up anymore.

I am now also in the process of listening to the supportive Eqafe audios that I listed at the end of my previous last two posts of this blog. I was able to relate to the explanation of a stiff neck to be a consequence of feeling trapped in a situation where I do not see any exit from and that I do not see any way back from where I currently am. From one perspective this actually is an existential fact since we all currently are experiencing a manifested consequence of our previous decisions and we can not go back into the past to manifest a different present reality. However, what we are able to start making better decisions at this moment that will manifest a better world in the future. And also after realizing that fact one can not go back to not realizing it. So from one point there actually is no way back and the only direction we are able to move is forward and in terms of awareness towards increasing its size.

I see the need to change how I handle mind resistances and the application of breaks. Napping seems to be the activity where I give power to the mind. So I am looking to reduce or replace them with some other activity. I learned that mental tiredness is best remediated by some kind of physical activity. So I will be experimenting with walking, running, exercising, and some other activities in order to make the most of each day.

Related educational audios from Eqafe to listen to:
Stuck
Unlocking Yourself
From Overwhelmed to Breakthrough
A Martyr for my Brother
Stuck in Absolutes
Bringing Yourself Down when Others are Down
Compromise and Commitment
Routine Sets me Free
Space, Environment, Routine, & Self Definition

Day 204: Directing myself to do what matters

There has been a major shift in my starting point, priorities, and focus. What I realized is that so far I have been doing activities where I would in the eyes of others look busy, diligent, and organized. That means that I have been doing a lot of documentary photos of all the events that I attended and other things that happened in my life. I would then spend a lot of time to download the photos from my phone, edit them in the most professional way, renamed and organized the files, and then upload them to my Facebook profile. I found great pleasure in taking pictures, making them perfect and sharing them with others so that they can also get some useful information and for them to have a reference for what I have been doing. Years ago when I worked as a professional photographer others paid me to do the shooting and editing, however in recent years I took pictures only for my personal interest. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that continuing the old habit like this is something that I am wasting my potentials by and that I am not adding much value to this world. It was mostly about presenting myself to others in order to play a certain character and to receive recognition from them. Now I have changed this point in terms of restraining myself from taking photos of every single thing that attracts my attention. And if I take some photos for the sake of documenting some event for the possibility of having to prove to others that it happened, I simply download the photos to my computer and keep them in a raw unedited form.

The next point that I looked at was the time I spend on social media, attending hangouts, participating in some groups, and watching movies. I noticed how quickly I get drawn to watching something, especially in form of moving pictures which creates a certain feeling of satisfaction by discovering something new. And how participation in social groups makes me feel noticed, accepted, valued, and part of something that will make a difference in this world. Yet the amount of digital content and online groups is increasing every second so I had to prioritize my involvement in order to make the best use of my limited time. I decided to increase the focus on my business of distributing new learning technology and using it also myself on a daily basis to increase my capacity for processing information and increasing the quality and quantity of my vocabulary. So I defined my mission to perfect myself by developing the skills of communication and influencing others and also showing others how they can do the same in order for as many people in this word to become highly capable and responsible in order to bring forth a world that is best for all life.

In recent weeks after using the said learning technology regularly for at least 2 hours per day, I noticed a substantial increase in my focus, clarity, determination, will, and bravery. What also started to happen is that I would wake up naturally after sleeping only around 4 hours. Initially, my mind would immediately produce a thought convincing me that humans need around 8 hours of sleep so I made myself continue sleeping for the additional 4 hours. However, I learned before that the human physical body requires only around 4 hours to rest, and the additional time of sleeping only results in the mind regenerating itself and thus gaining more power to distract and suppress us. And I also learned how the words leaders and the most successful people sleep very little, some even just 2 hours and then doing short naps during the day. So I decided also to get out of the bed immediately after I would wake up naturally, no matter what duration of my sleep has been. I have been experimenting with different ways of taking charge of my physical body and to actually get out of bed and fully wake up. It has been challenging to get out of such an appealing comfort zone like a warm cozy bed and I was not always fully successful. However, I am pushing myself to cut down the time of my sleep to as little as possible in order to have more time in a day to be productive.

What I also noticed is how often I check the time and to what extent I allow it to influence me. When doing business and collaborating with others time certainly is a factor that needs to be considered. We do measure time in days which are then sliced into hours and minutes. Thus some consider time as their most valuable asset since each of our lives only so many years and we can achieve in one lifetime only so much. Many successful people use the time management system where every single activity is being scheduled in slots as small as a couple of minutes. While I was doing creative work time was not so much of an issue since the deadlines were quite long and the main objective was to come with a unique creative solution that was not so much valued in the time spend to produce it but in effect that it produced. And this is why I had resistance to organize my life based on time. Even with sleeping, I noticed how by just looking at a clock I am already giving my mind the information in order to calculate the duration of my sleep and based on then create a feeling of being rested enough or needing some more sleep instead of me communicating with my physical body and directly seeing it had rested sufficiently. So in the morning I now refrain from checking the time immediately. And when I create my first daily log entry I am careful about my mind not to create any comparison and estimation if I have slept enough or not.

An additional point was developing a habit and support system of following up with people and directing them in the long-term in order to achieve a specific objective. Previously I defined myself as an introvert, I did creative jobs where I needed a quiet and peaceful environment in order to concentrate on designing and programming with computers uninterrupted for hours. And now my mission is to influence and change others which means frequent and persistent communication with many individuals which is the exact opposite of what I have been used to do. This again pushes me intensely out of my comfort zone and creates a lot of resistance. It makes me have to decide about many more things that are far less predictable since every mind of other humans is a world of its own. I have to evaluate every individual on many levels and then decide when in by which means, using what word and exposing them to which information would result in directing them towards increasing their awareness, self-responsibility, and capacity. Each person is with a unique history of experience that shapes them and on at different location points. And it takes many years for everyone to grow and expand into an exemplary human being. So I am developing and applying a system of making a lot of notes in regards to every individual that I communicate with and then to follow-up with them on a regular basis.

Now what I have to be careful about all of this is to maintain a balance of self-care and care for others in order not to lose my personal power. The manifestation of pain at points in my spine is a reminder that I have gone too far from the track. Recently some pain has manifested in my lower back. And even a more prominent pain manifested in my neck. The contributing factors for this can be the increased time spent calling people on the phone in a standing position where the weight of my hands creates much more pull comparing to my usual way of working in a sitting or partially lying position. However, I am familiar also with the back neck point structural resonance. It explains how the pain in that area is connected to the ability to change things and stand up for yourself. And I am able to track back the start of pain developing in that area especially when some older lady that just became my Facebook friend called me via Messenger video and started to engage in an extensive and long conversation without consideration of my time and what I was doing. I find a direct unannounced video call not very considerate and intrusive and it was a new experience that I had to respond to.

While my objective is to increase communication with other people I am making sure to be as considerate as possible. So when I call somebody on the phone, I immediately ask them how they are, where they are, and what they are doing. This gives them the opportunity to explain if it is a good time to speak and enables me to decide if I should continue the conversation and for how long. Other people usually do not call me with exception of my father who calls me on the phone a few times per month. And usually, he wants me to immediately or very soon to do some design work for him end eventually pays me for that. However, when others call me I can not tell so sure what they want from me, for how long they want to speak to me, and what would be the result of communication. I see how I prefer for any call to be scheduled with me in advance by firstly contacting me via social media or text messaging which is less intrusive and does not disturb my own schedule. While previously I had my phone turned on all the time, I am now also turning it off completely when I need to focus on something like writing this blog post.

Here are some related suggested educational Eqafe audios for listening:
Stiff Neck
Stiff Neck Practical Support
Pain and Process
The History and Purpose of Sleep
Do Beings on the Other Side Sleep
Mental Tiredness vs. Physical Tiredness
Mind Asleep, Mind Awake
Why do I Wake Up in a Mood?
Do You Only Rest When You Sleep?
Mind Feeding Routines Feeding Mind

Day 203: When nobody is looking

Currently, I struggle with motivating myself to do some tasks that I determined would be the best use of my current position and potentials and would contribute greatly to creating a world that is best for all. The tasks where I do not experience much of resistance is investing up to two hours of my time each day in the morning to work on perfecting my vocabulary. And 6 days ago I also added the task of reading aloud one post from the blog of Bernard Poolman from the oldest post onward. That is of course additionally to my other tasks of morning routine like drinking herbal tea with zeolite, speaking gratitude statements, and doing the Five Tibetan Rites before I have my fruit salat for the breakfast. However, when I proceed to do my business-related tasks I find myself in the difficulty of focused and consistent movements.

I have a long list of things that I plan to do business-wise in my Nirvana productivity app. But when I look at the list, I already face the challenge of deciding what to do next. I noticed that the sole fact that I manage my task on the computer is already something that creates a specific feeling of intangibility and indefiniteness. I have been using computers as my main tool for decades. And I like it from the perspective that I can store and retrieve extremely vast quantity of information and share it with others all over the globe. However, it also makes me less grounded and is attracting my curiosity to research all the available information that I have access to by using it. I am currently observing my level of addiction to using social media and watching videos and I am not happy about my current state in regards to that. I am looking into how to ground myself more and one way is to work using analog tools. I have purchased a set of new notebooks that I am using now to place my thoughts onto paper with a pen. So far I have been writing my process blog post exclusively in a digital format to an online blog like this one. And now I plan to do additional and preliminary writings also to my paper notebook.

I learned that there is a big difference between writing by hand and typing words using a keyboard. Specific neural pathways are supposed to be formed and information imprinted strongly into the brain when writing with a pen to paper. This is because a more complex and natural movement of hand and fingers is being used where the hand is pulling a pen in all sorts of directions with different speed and pressure. Typing words on a computer is far less expressive since one has to target and hit a specific key with a specific finger with the same force in order to type the words. The keyboard is a superior writing interface to a pen and creates more discomfort and anxiety. Yet the downside of writing by hand is that information can not be copied, backed up, stored, retrieved, and shared so quickly and easily and it consumes physical space. Nowadays hybrid options are available like touch screens that enable handwriting with a stylus, digital paper pads, and electronic pens that record handwriting on paper and convert it into a digital form for conversion into typed text. I will be experimenting with these options in order to see what works best for me.

Besides the challenges of using specific tools for my work, there is an even deeper layer of contributing factors that slows down my movement. It is about my primary self-definition, my life purpose, and the personality character that I have developed into. I feel deep shame for functioning as someone who is addicted to impressing and shocking others by sharing secret and advanced information while not actually integrating it to the level of full comprehension. I feel so stupid because I am listening, watching, and reading so much of different information yet I am incapable of uttering it to others in a way for them to comprehend me. And I find my reactions of envy and spite towards others evil to the point of not deserving to live. I have been so defined by relationships to others in a negative way that I am finding it hard to function on my own, motivate myself, and be sincerely driven by the principle of what is best for all life. What also needs to change is my relationship to the money and to create stability in using all possible means of exchange.

In general, I see that the development of digital technologies has contributed to me becoming more restless and my mind stimulated since it is basically its external manifestation. Being used to others telling me what to do or not do, I lost my will and courage to express myself creatively. While currently reading a book by a Slovenian author with the criticism of the public educational system, I have realized that I have not been suppressed only by my family environment but also by having to endure the torture of forced schooling. And now with global plandemic terrorism, the challenges that we face have become even greater. After watching some documentaries recently about the development of robots, artificial intelligence, and deep fake technologies, I am a bit concerned about what the future will bring. There are new threats emerging along with the progress of technology and it is becoming increasingly difficult to recognize and neutralize them. So it also I question how much time per day to spend with learning about the increasingly complex and fast-moving global society and how to successfully and in time adapt to it in order to survive.

Since I live and work alone in my apartment I am from time to time wondering what to do in order to be more motivated to do things that I find tiresome. But when considering the options of getting a cat, a girlfriend, or a co-worker, I also see the downsides of someone being with me in my apartment. While someone else would add to the dynamic of my relationships, they would also make it more complex and disturbing. Recently I have been experimenting with accountability partners where I asked some of my peers to meet me online in order to support each other with doing what each of us wants to do. That did give me more confidence however it also added to the complexity of my work environment. I started to ask myself how much if at all I require some outside stimulation to move me into executing what my business goals are. The conclusion has been that ultimately it would be best for myself to develop the ability of consistent self-movement and to use the tools of writing to remove all the limitations that prevent me from becoming someone like that.

All that I need to do is to continue releasing myself from the attachment to positive and negative energies of the mind. That translates to end seeking any kind of outside validation of what I am and doing and to genuinely do what is best for all life, even when nobody is looking. I need to develop pristine self-expression and take proper care of all aspects of my private and business life. I have to increase my focus, ground myself more, and restrain myself from all kinds of selfish temptations inwards and outwards that consume my precious life potential.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Lethargy: Introduction
Lethargy: Domino Effect
Lethargy: A Physical Experience
Lethargy: The Gifts Within
Lethargy: Looking Ahead
Lethargy: Self Forgiveness
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Lethargy
Why we create Fear instead of Solutions
Self-Judgment and Sudden Tiredness
Empowering Yourself Instead of Depending on Others

Day 202: The point that I am walking

This post is in regards to feedback of my peers in one of the chat groups that I am part of. They have shared their perspectives about my sharing of my findings and found them as imposing and not aligned with the purpose of the group. I noted an explanation of how the context, position, and location of walking and sharing a point is a very tricky part. And how it is best to share a point only after one has walked it completely and has manifested results as the proof of the validity of the point is a solution that is best for all. I learned what points some are walking and that it takes many years, up to 14 or even more, to complete with a point. So it is best to walk a point privately and refrain from constant sharing of our discoveries and realizations in regards to that personal point to others until it becomes mature enough. That begs the question of what the point that I am actually walking in this life is?

The core experience in my current life can be explained with the events that happened as observed during a guided therapeutic regression into my previous life. I found myself in a female body that has been publicly executed by hanging in front of a mind-obsessed crowd. The reason why they found me as not worth living was their belief that I have become impure after one of the invading Viking has raped me. At that time I had a boyfriend who resented me for letting myself hanged while remaining silent. And the reason why I did not defend myself by speaking out was that I did not see any point in it. At the end of the regression session, I connected that the violent Viking that raped med has in my current life incarnated as my father and my formal boyfriend incarnated as my younger brother.

Using the vision of my previous life I was able to realize the relationships in my current life where I have actually been suppressed by my father in terms of having to do exactly what he demanded from me and not being allowed to speak back or I would experience the wrath of his anger. And I moved about of the house of my parents and left my younger brother behind without any previous notice to him while until then we had a pretty close relationship. I was basically unable to solve my situation by using words since I had a poor vocabulary and an extensive amount of accumulated fear. And at the same time, I perceived myself as someone with high intelligence and very advanced in terms of intellectual capabilities. So I concluded that if there is nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with all other humans in general.

Now I am realizing that while I was able to excel it was only in an environment where I used my mind and thinking process and computers or related digital technology. And whenever I was in an environment demanding to use the voice mechanism of my human physical body to communicate with other people I failed miserably. And since my father has been constantly pushing me to excel in things in order for him to be proud of me, I lacked to recognize that such an attitude is only effective in relation to him personally. So whenever I would apply the personality of excellence within relationships to others it would be perceived as superiority and met with envy or disimprovement. Thus I am slowly but surely discovering the actual points of limitation and separation and transforming them into what is best for me and others.

Another perspective on my relationship with my father is in terms of money. Even when I finished secondary school and got employed by my father I did not actually receive a salary and I was not taught anything about how money works. It was my father who went out and bought all the production equipment and material, he was the one who delivered the products to our clients, my mother would be the one who issued the invoices and my father would then manage all the money. If I wanted something for me personally or for our business I would have to go to my father and ask him to do the purchase. And he would then deliver the purchased items with great pride and good feels like it was his personal donation to me or to our company.

So the point that I am walking is foremost becoming vocal and speaking out without any fear of what others might think or say. Then it is speaking in a way where I do not perceive me as superior and thus try to diminish others but to speak to others as equal which means the development of compassion, empathy, active listening, asking questions, and telling stories. In that regard, I am also realizing how ineffective my vocabulary is so I am investing at least one hour per day to rebuild and expand my vocabulary, especially in the English language. Since I am living and working alone there is no much opportunity during a day to actually speak to anyone so I see the need to practice speaking more and I am looking for a way of developing this skill to a sufficient level.

In terms of money defined as the measure and store of intrinsic value, I am actually working on comprehending what I value of something is and how to measure it. And in terms of currency defined as a volatile circulated medium of exchange, I am actually surprised why humans would even use a form of money that is volatile instead of using a medium of exchange that has a stable value. So when combining values and words we come to agreements and legislations where I again wonder about the existence of the mechanisms that enable to enforce a unilateral (un)agreements while the legislation is at the same time defining such act as a punishable crime. So I am discovering tricks and traps of the court and comprehending their game in order be able to use the words to protect myself effectively against anyone that wants something from me against my will.

While I am also to a minor extent following the development of the new plasma technology and what is happening behind the scenes of the global politics, including the economic shutdown, I am according to my personal point focusing mostly on the core reason for humans to think, communicate and behave the way they do. Which boils done to words, their definitions, and energetic attachments. Because we can express ourselves with speaking and writing and comprehend reality only according to how large our vocabulary is, how good we know all the definitions of the words, and to what extent we have removed any positive or negative polarity from the word we know. When those foundations are perfected, one is able to defend itself against any written and spoken word and also defend the one that is not able to defend themselves. 

Some think that laws must be obeyed, regardless of what they say, yet there are effective ways of refusing to accept any law by using the same argumentations that laws argue their own existence and validity. Each of us is an equal creator and a word of someone cannot be more powerful than the word of anyone else. So each is responsible for what they accept within themselves and allow them to continue to exist and the only reason why someone would not do that is self-dishonesty and self-disempowerment. I learned that any fear is just an illusion and each time one is giving in to any kind of fear, they give their personal power to the illusion and thus make it stronger. This is also why I have decided to not wear the mask because I have done my research and realized that it does not protect me or others from viruses and diseases. Demands to wear masks are based on invalid fear and thus my point is also to walk without the mask at any time and bravely face all the fears that challenge me.

The advanced level of the language that I am studying for the same reasons is the Correct Quantum language that is currently being used with great effect by: Russel-Jay: Gould for the liberation of this world. Many things are happening behind the scenes where others are walking their points towards completeness and are are just now coming out to the public. Some think that what they do is ineffective because they do not show any proof for it, yet the reality is that many have abused what they showed so far and thus they have became more careful about what they show and what not. They are perfecting their point and placing protection mechanisms in order to prevent others to use it in a harmful ways. Many of them have also been under heavy attack, mockery and even assassination attempt. A lot of them died because they were not able to protect themselves successfully. So it takes a lot of courage, dedication, time, persistence and alertness in order for a powerful point to be fully developed and eventually delivered for the benefit for all.

When all these points will be fully developed and deployed, I see the world were written and spoken words will be allowed to used only to establish equal agreements based on what is best for all life, I see the abundance of any chemical elements and all kinds of energy, I see vast improvement of mental and physical human health with increased longevity, I see mutual collaboration to clean this planet from all pollutions, I see new ways of space travel and nourishment of the human body where transcend limitations of times, space and matter. I see expansion beyond most of people are currently able to imagine. And I plan to play a significant part in that process by expanding my inner world which will then result also in expansion of the outer world. I am expecting to face a lot of inner and outer resistances on many levels however these are challenges that I am looking forward to since overcoming them will fill me with deep satisfaction.

Suggested related Eqafe audios to listen:
Why your Weakest Points are your Greatest strength
Creating Purpose
Your Purpose in Process
Missing The Point of Ourselves
Why is the Mind so Seductive
The Nature of Process
Stand Your Ground
When Your Process gets Trolled

Day 201: Lack of motivation to live my life fully

I have been reading, hearing, and watching stories of great success in the lives of others for many years. Stories about the people who were born as poor, who struggled with their low self-esteem, yet they then transformed their lives and become very successful and rich. I have been part of groups where they are teaching principles of success yet I wondered why somehow all that knowledge does not stick with me. Why does it simply not rub off and influence me into also becoming someone who develops my own business projects that generate a lot of money and why I have not created my own family?

In current times of the coronavirus feardemic, I am observing how confusion about what is actually going on is increasing. There are pressures to war mask and some are predicting forced vaccination, transition to use of only digital currencies, and implementation of a totalitarian state where everyone will constantly be tracked and monitored, like in China. And some fear that the 5G technology will be used to significantly depopulate the human race. These certainly are dangers that make living not very pleasant and many are becoming more and more depressed. Also, I am wondering what to do since the world is changing drastically and I have to make decisions about what to do in order to face all the challenges.

A few months ago I have started to work as a distributor of new learning technology. It is a high-ticket product and I have been wondering how successful I can be with selling it considering the current global economic situation. Distributors have been handed a presentation book that we use to explain to prospective clients the relationship between vocabulary and success in life. And I have also been using the tool for myself in order to rebuild and expand my own word treasure. I am each day spending at least one hour to progress with the integration of the word lists that are arranged by levels and correspond to the grades of the public education system.

Integrated word lists include many words that are familiar to me and also words that I have absolutely no clue what they mean. For each word, I check the definition in several dictionaries in order to learn every context of its use. This activity made me realize that some words have very little or just one definition and some have over 50 possible meanings in indifferent situations. It takes quite some time to progress with the integration of words and I wonder if it is worth investing so much time in learning words with such perfection. Because who knows how ofter if ever there will be an actual opportunity to read texts or to communicate all the words that am integrating by expressing all of their possible definitions.

Words are being used more frequently with some meanings and less frequent with other meanings. Existing words are being used in new ways and thus their definition list is being expanded. Some words are being used less in some contexts which makes them archaic and their definitions obsolete. And there are new words being created on a constant basis according to new discoveries, new technology, and other progress in human society. So languages are a living entity that perpetually transforms and thus mastering them is a neverending process. And that makes learning it a bit annoying when approaching it with a tendency to just learn it once and for all and check it permanently as done.

Actually, I came to realize that such an approach is the core reason why I lack motivation in my life. Because whenever I make a decision there is a need for me to determine the outflow of events and thus estimate if the decision is aligned with what my goals are. Yet even setting goals is something I actually am avoiding due to so many options available out there. And in that sense, there are possibilities that I currently am aware of and there are all of the endless options that I even can not imagine that are possible to be manifested. Besides that things and possibilities that currently do not physically exist can be also created if only I come with new ideas and then engage in action to turn them into something tangible.

Thus life is a constant process of discovering what exists, what has existed in the past, defining and making sense existence, looking for own position in existence, defining yourself, realizing your past, current, and future influence on the existence, deciding about your purpose, vision, and mission, engaging in actions, stopping and reflecting on self, loosing, searching and finding self again, remembering and forgetting, expanding and contracting, exhaling and inhaling, creating and destroying, and then doing it over and over again in the perpetual cycle since existence is one and it can be in no other way that constantly inverting itself. And this is also why a torus is its best geometrical representation.

When asking myself about what to do, there are two basic options. One is doing something where I influence the world outside myself and the other is doing something where I influence my inner world. I realized that for the most part of my life I wanted to influence the world outside myself, especially some members of my family due to my specific relationship with him. I got used to doing what that individual tells me what to do since I would then also get the things I wanted from him. And I was raised to be innovative and inquisitive in order to positively impress that man and others by presenting myself as someone how is more advanced than others.

Yet while excelling at things there was consistency and depth that were lacking. It was never about genuinely being attracted to doing something and then developing the skill to the level of high mastery in order to become a valuable expert who solves problems of other people. It was more about just craving for recognition from others and creating a superficial public image of someone who is worthy of being admired. Instead of experiencing a sustainable fulfillment by perfecting myself, I was hooked on short-term energetic experiences of good feelings created when others would praise me. Which consequently also created periods of feeling low, heavy, and tired as the energetic polarity. I realized that the only solution for myself is to priorities my own self-development in order to be able to truly excel in life. 

And when identifying what is the thing that I need to develop within myself in order to be more effective, I learned that it skills of self-expression and directing others through communication. I remember the storyline that came through when I did my first guided hypnotic regression to my first past life where I was in a female body. I got hanged by the crowd of peers who labeled me as impure after someone invading Wiking raped me. And I just let others hang me decided to remain silent due to losing hope in any kind of success by trying to convince them to change their anger-possessed minds by using words. And that is why I have been holding such deep sadness inside myself all these years since I did not see any way of how to make others comprehend and accept me as I am.

However, when progressing on my path of self-awareness I realized that a coin has two sides. While expecting from others to treat me nice and with compassion, I asked myself what was my attitude towards them. And I realized that I did actually care for others and their lives. I lacked the social skills and ability to see others as one and equal. My whole life was just about displaying myself better than others and wanting to be praised. No wonder I was often met by being judged by others since I have been doing exactly the same towards them. So I could say that it was myself that I am actually sad about since I did not develop the skills and awareness about how to live in this word effectively and to see others as part of myself. I have made a lot of improvement about that yet there is much more to do.

During introspection, I discovered that my communication skills are actually not so excellent as I perceived them to be. Sure I am able to read, speak, and write in Slovene and English language and I comprehend German and Croatian language well. Yet I realized I am lacking a lot of the basics knowledge about grammar and I could not even spell in English. Those poor foundations are what disabled me in being an effective communicator and to identify and correct mistakes in my writing and speaking. So I am now basically starting from scratch and learning every respect of what a language is and how to use it with utmost perfection. It is like I am with the age of 47 going into the first class of a primary school and discovering what is a verb, a noun, and other terms of linguistics.

I see that many adults who decide on a relationship and get their own children have the opportunity of reliving their primary school education experience while assisting their kids with their homework. Having kids is thus helpful for adults to refresh and improve their primary school knowledge, including core knowledge of the language. And since I do not have children of my own, I am disciplining myself to in a similar way rewalk my basic education since the public schools did a poor job of guaranteeing perfect integration of all subjects, leaving me inadequate in language, math, and many other skills. I am motivating myself on a daily basis to fill the holes in my core knowledge so that I will be able to stand and perform more confidently, with the ability to express myself with words and achieve my goals.

Recommended related educational audios from Eqafe:

Motivation
How Language Substantiates the Mind
The Nature of Words
Encoding Communication and Programming Relationships
We do not even See Ourselves
Mask of Innocence

Day 200: Increasing my capacity to care for others

In the past several weeks I experienced increased resistance to writing. One of the factors for that was my focus on doing business-related activities. Then what limited amount of remaining time in a day was my new commitment to rebuild and expand my English vocabulary by investing at least 1 hour per day doing that. Additionally to that my good friend asked me if I can help him to move. He sold his parent's house and bought a small farm with an old farm building. The new house owners wanted to have it emptied completely by the end the month so I assisted him with loading and transporting all the furniture and the rest of belongings to a new location or to a dump yard. During the time when he was the driver and I sat next to him, we had long talks about how to best educate children since he got a daughter that will soon become 1 year old. And we also talked about many other topics, like politics, since we both share the interest to improve the situation in this world via a peaceful democratic process. So after each day of assisting him, I also needed additional time to physically and mentally compose myself enough to return to my daily routine. 

I admired my friend that I assisted to move for his passion and commitment in regards to provide for his child and for his business vision. He invested the money from the sale of the house into a farm and a nearby organic orchard and wants to make a living as a fruit producer since he is also a vegan. Currently, he travels to work in nearby Austria since the salaries there are double comparing to Slovenia. And he arranged to work 10 hours each day so that he works only 4 days per week which allowed him to spend a full day more with his daughter and her mother. However, since he is aware of how crucial it is for parents to be there for their children in the first years after birth, he plans to quit the current job soon and focus fully on his farm and the family.

In regards to raising children in the best way possible, I have a lot of theoretical knowledge about that and I am looking for ways how to benefit others with it. From one perspective I would like to become a father however I do not like all that it takes in the current economic and educational system to deal with everything necessary to practically succeed in that perspective. As a child, I experienced a significant abundance of material things however there was a great lack of emotional stability and equal communication between my parents. I noticed how I have difficulties to move in terms of the business and money generation due to the inherited mind patterns and energetic addictions. So the ideal way for me to become a parent at the current state would be if I would be a stay-at-home dad and my wife would be taking care of the finances. 

However, just in case if some girl with a perfect business mind does not magically appear and want to have children with me, I am committed to continuing overcoming my current limitations and maybe even reach a state where I take care for the income and thus more confidently invite some female to create a family with me. So I am consistently pushing myself with doing as much of sales activities as possible and reading books and watching videos about how to become even more effective at sales.  

Related Eqafe interview:
All I wanted was to be Cared-for...

Day 199: Excitement about my new mission

During my last 20 years of the personal growth process, I have been constantly searching for a solution to impact the world positively. I initially started by offering personal counseling and therapy services to individuals. However, I realized that with one-on-one sessions I would be able to impact the lives of only a small number of individuals so I was searching for better solutions. I was looking for a way of how to multiply my limited time to support a much bigger number of people worldwide. I joined different groups of people where we were collaborating on different transformational projects. And the group that excites me the most after all of these years is called Desteni. 

The cool thing at the Desteni group is that they have created Desteni I Process series of online courses, including the DIP Lite free course that can support thousands of people around the globe. And this is also where I learned how to effectively transform my thinking and behavior patterns by applying a very specific witing like demonstrated in this blog. I have been sharing links to Desteni resources with great excitement for many years however I have recently become even more excited about another solution that I became a part of. It enables me to take care of the financial part of my life while transforming the lives of people in their core. And it is so very simple yet effective solution for global transformation that many can not even grasp how it is possible that it produces so powerful results. I have started to apply is also for myself on a daily basis and am being consistently educated about it on a weekly basis. Since I see such great potential in as many people using it as possible, I became highly driven to share it with everyone, especially to a specific group of people who can benefit the most from it.

That solution is motivating me to the level where I in recent days started to wake up naturally in the morning after sleeping only 6 hours or even less. For example, I woke up today at 4 am already and completely refreshed. I have realized that I have a limited time in this incarnation and want to use it as effectively to bring solutions to this world. I get up with great excitement about my new mission to empower people and invite them to also become a part of a global network of people who are dedicated to make this world the best place for all living beings. This mission also enables me to grow additionally since it gives me incentives to talk to other people. And talking to individuals that I do not know is something that many are not comfortable with. Parents usually tell their children that they should not talk to strangers and such belief is often transferred to the adult phase. Communicating with other people, especially via public speaking is one of the biggest fears that many have. And I have come a long way in recent years to transform it to the level where I am now very comfortable with speaking to anyone, even if I have never seen them before.

However, what I started to notices in regard to my new project is that I started to become restless due to a perception that time is very precious and limited. I can not even imagine how until recently I have been able to live a relatively relaxed life with having our personal basic needs met and moving only so much to additionally make some slow progress in terms of my life coaching services that I started to offer early in the year 2020. I was actually searching for something that I could do for the benefit of others however I felt the lack of motivation to develop my services to a proper level. I have been craving for some kind of collaboration with others where we would create a synergistic effect. I am part of some global groups where we communicate on a regular basis however only via the internet and mostly just by texting. And such collaborations have not been able to provide me also with a source of income for me so it was basically only a volunteering way of participation. And now I am part of a project that has great potential to also generate a lot of revenue for me and we are communicating and supporting each other in a much more intense way via weekly Zoom video meetings.

When one has found something very exciting there is a danger of creating an imbalance in daily life. And I have also started to see how I am getting restless and wanting to produce better results every single day. I am aware that when starting a new business one has to be very focused and dedicated in order to grow it to a sufficient level where it can be sustained with much less input of time and effort. And this is actually what I am good at since whenever I find something interesting, I dedicate myself to it fully and am very persistent with consistent movement towards achieving selected goals. I learned recently from a successful businessman that a crucial part of staying focused is a decision to say NO to a lot of things. In the early stage of life, it is good to say YES to lot of things in order to get many experiences and to thus find out what excites you the most and towards what you want to dedicate your life to. However the more you get experiences, to more things that distract you from your selected path you need to say NO. Highly successful people thus say NO to 99,99% of offers since they see the importance of staying laser-focused on directing themselves towards developing their own business.

I am now in a stage in my life where I have tried out many things and am have discovered what I want to dedicate my life to and have selected my life purpose. So when I got introduced to a project that I am now focusing on, it highly resonated with me. It excites me to the level where I now even have to be careful not to invest too much of my time in it and to prevent a burn-out. While I am highly driven to produce results, I also learned that I can not be effective in the long-run if I compromise my personal mental and physical health. I am now managing my daily schedule so that I have sufficient rest and fun time. Because yes, we all have a limited time yet all the existence is nothing but a game that I as part of a creator am playing with myself. And bullying myself by blowing the perception of urgency to act out of proportions would result only in compromising myself. 

Here are some fine related educational audios on that topic if you want to contemplate more about it:
Excitement series
Highs and Lows of our Experiences
Building Your Business series
Swept Away
Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Excitement