2010 - Second date with the new girl

This weekend the girl who contacted me over dating web site five weeks ago, visited me for the second time after we met for the first time one week ago. Since our first meeting, we talked on the phone and decided to meet again in two weeks, but then she sent me the message this sunday morning, that she is not able to wait that long. So I said, no problem and that she can come over in the evening, since I had some business to do yet over the day.

She arrived at about 7pm, we talked at the expanded sofa in the living for a while and then I suggested both of us to get naked to explore each other's physical bodies. We started to kiss, touch and caress each other's bodies slowly and gently, since I wanted to enjoy ourselves this way as long as possible. I laid down on my back and instructed her to research my body, and then we swapped positions. After I while I focused on her cave of wonders and made sure with my tongue, fingers and rubber vibrating dildo, that she experienced the greatest orgasmic pleasure possible. When she could not stand it anymore, I joined her with my own magic stick and we came, hugging each other tightly and kissing passionately, to magnificent finish. Then we took a shower in a row, and I prepared a dinner. We then watched together some Desteni members vlogs, blogs and the latest South Park cartoon episode on my notebook, while lying and holding each other on the sofa. At about midnight we went to bedroom and slowly fell to sleep while hugging each other gently.

I have set the alarm clock to wake me up at 6am, and after few snoozes, I finally woke up, went to the bathroom, shaved myself, brushed my teeth and returned to bed. I intended to read some blogs until she would also wake up, but I noticed that she already stated to open her eyes, searching for me. So I laid down the computer and squeezed myself to her body. She had to go to the bathroom and returned swiftly. We continued to kiss and caress each other and we got intimate for the second time nicely and slowly, and she wondered how is it possible for me to hold for such a long time. Finally I also let myself to came and then we remained embraced tightly for quite I while. Since we could not just lay all morning, I suggested to stand up and to take a shower, and so we did.

I prepared a breakfast, we ate, tidied up and lied down on the sofa again for a while. Since it appeared to be a sunny sunday, I suggested we go out for some sightseeing. We went with my car to the nearby Radovljica city, firstly we went to the old square, took a look of Museum of apiculture, and then I showed her our sport park with the swimming pool, since she got 11 years old daughter who is a swimming champion. Then continued with the car to Bled city, a world-famous tourist attraction and congress centre, since it has a lake with an island and the church on the middle, and the magnificent castle on the rocks high about the lake. The lake is surrounded with the hills and high mountains, the nature is very green, so no wonder why many of couples from all over the world select Bled to be their wedding place.

We parked the car under the hill where there is a ski slope in the winter and tobogganing in the summer and then we took a walk around the lake, which takes about 1 hour to finish. In between we visited my friend's gallery Deva Puri which currently hosts the largest artwork exhibition of deceased Slovenian painter Maksim Gaspari, known by the motives of Slovenian folklore. After finishing the tour around the lake, I invited her to a lunch at the Bled shop centre. Since it became quite late, we decided to return to my place. She has a bit more than 2 hour of ride to her home, and she wanted to arrive there still in the daylight. So we parted about 6 pm and I told her that I will call her about the future plans. While this was so far just a story about how our meeting looked from the outside, the main reason for writing this blog is to share my thought and feelings about this whole event.

When she wrote me a first message about 5 weeks ago, she titled it "The love at first sight". This immediately made me consider that she is projecting her expectations based on my picture-presentation in my dating web site profile. So when we talked then on the phone I explained her that I am involved in the research how mind influences our lives and that she should expect from me quite a different experience and attitude comparing to common reactions of the men. She said that she is very fun of that and that she has also read quite a few books that explain human behavior. So I said ok, and gave her a chance to meet me in person. She explained, that it takes her quite a long time to open herself to relations but then, she is totally dedicated and faithful to her partner. She parted 6 month ago with the guy who she met when she was 16 years old and she was living with him for 17 years, until he left her after some fight. She suspected that the fight was not the true reason, and that he already had another lover for some time before they parted.

So, after we spent two weekends together, I noticed that she is very quiet, not expressing herself much, and that I have to ask her directly in order for her to share with me what she thinks and feels. Before our first meeting, she expressed her concerns that I might not like her since her figure is not perfect. She indeed is a bit overweight, which in deed is not my dream body, but I did not allowed this to be too great obstacle in order for me to accept her. While too much weight is not practical, it's nice for bones to have some flesh, so the hugging and squeezing feels more soft and cozy. And when we took a quite fast walk around the lake, she surprised me by how she could cope the tempo, since it was not her to complain regarding the long walk, but it was my legs that started to hurt and I felt very heavy, tired and sleeping, constantly yawning and complaining.

But the things that bother me is asking me, if I want to have I child. She explained that she wants to have I second child, and that her ex did not want to have another one as long the first one would not grow up. She also considered to accept her ex back, but she told her that the only option is if she moves to his place and joins him and his new girlfriend. And all that she does is repeating cycle of going to work and cooking and tiding when she returns from work. As she would not have any life of her own and devoting herself to be in the service of others. So I see, she has quite a few similarities with my first ex girlfriend, which we lived together for 3 years. She is very introverted, humble and complaisant, and considering herself only in a role of a obedient worker, mother and a housewife. I have a hard time to picture her living with me as an agreement since she understands almost no english and she is not very fun of using computers. And since computers are my life, and I want to be with someone that would also study Desteni material and be involved in the self-realization process, I have quite a few doubts about our common future.

I see her as a personality who does not stand up for herself, giving her energy to others, not allowing herself to express, drinking the life energy from her partner and others by playing the role of the good mother and helpless victim of the hard work. She would need to transcend this points in order to be a proper agreement in my life. Even though I enjoyed myself with her sexually very much, I noticed that a consider the time of being together with a girls quite wasted. Since while we spend time together by touching, talking and watching each other, I am allowing myself not to do anything to stop the hunger, war and suffering of billions of living beings. I have been now in the process of releasing myself from energy addictions for quite some time now. In the time when I had the firs sex with that girl, I was in about 30 days since I stopped masturbating, and I had no great desires to experience sex. However I did execute sexual intercourse with her in the evening and in the morning, when she came to visit me for the first and now for second time. I did it mostly because she felt lonely, being single for six months, so I arranged her to feel nice and accepted. She reported how she remained joyful for several days after our first meeting and how everybody noticed and praised her regarding that.

So I treated this girl as one and equal, not allowing myself any thought of judgment to appear while we were together, and made sure, that she would enjoy herself while visiting me. But I did not do that from the starting point of seducing her or because of falling in love with her, but simply because I wanted to express unconditional love, and I would treat this way every girl who would come to visit me, as I have proven this many times before. I treat everyone the best I can, but if I would want to consider any girl as my agreement or long-term partner, just enjoyment of intimacy is for me not enough at all. I have learned to be alone for the past 7 years, and I enjoy being single ver much. It is very practical to have my own place, arrange it and do whatever and whenever I want in any given moment. I have my peace, silence, and unlimited potentials. And I spend most of my time in front of computer, working, researching, learning, transcending myself and doing stuff that would make the world a better place for all. So these are my primary points at this moment, and any relationship would distract me from doing this. Sex is not what drives me any longer, and as much I enjoy experiencing orgasm, I have dedicated not to be driven by the energy anymore and to stand up for life, world equality and for what is best for all.

I consider my time too precious to spend it for relationships. I do have fun of meeting new people, and I am not immune to attractive female bodies, but I direct myself not to be driven by this pictures. I am opened to meet now people, especially girls, however the main motivation for that is to spread the information about Desteni and the practical solutions for current problems in the relationships and in the current global system. I enjoy having sex, but I even consider to stop intercourse before I get to the point of orgasm and ejaculation. So I may participate in the sex long enough for my partner to experience orgasm, however I would hold myself through all that time and stop soon enough not to experience orgasm also for myself. I find very important to deprogram/de-associate females or pictures of female bodies from the addictive energies of orgasm. And this is simply because I have been watching porn for many years and started to define pictures of young female bodies with the pleasant energy of orgasm. I noticed that I get turned on very quickly and easily simply by watching some erotic movie scenes or observing attractive females, even very very young. I understand now, how practicing masturbation can from time really turn someone to become child molester or even rapist.

I stop myself to be energy addict, I de-associate pictures of female bodies in the movies, magazined and in the flesh from addictive orgasmic energy. I stop all thought and fantasies regarding women, I consider every person, regardless of the sex, as equal and one with me. I stand up as life, and focus on what is important and necessary to do at this moment, considering the current situation on this planet, to bring solutions for dignified life for every living being. I will contribute for Equal Money System to be implemented as soon as possible, to equalize global system and to free all beings from current suffering. I accept in my life only those who are willing to transcend own personality and stand up for life as well, or they may simply continue with their own life style and let me do what I consider to be best for all. This is how I decide and this is how it will be.
.

2010 - Masturbation stop day 30, getting more realization, dating, earning money

It has been a few week since my last vlog and blog post, so this is to inform everybody what I have been doing in this period of time.

After I have been very active in vlogging, watching and commenting other's vlogs and Desteni open forum posts, I have received unexpected feedback from Desteni members and other people. They have exposed my starting point of vlogging and commenting not to be from oneness and equality, but from the point of judgement/anger, based on the knowledge and information. I found that to be true and I am grateful for others to expose my dishonesty. This is why I have deleted two of my vlogs that were from this perspective no valid at all.

For I while I have also stopped commenting and then continued with commenting again, but only to the extend of my personal realization. So I took advise to slow myself down and to take more time to realize what oneness and equality truly is. I have noticed that I have tendency to preach/judge and show others how much knowledge I have, so they would notice/admire/accept me. Thus I have become careful firstly to become one with other - to put myself in the place/skin/shoes of other - and make a comment as I would like to be commented/supported/directed if I would be in the position of that person.

I have been very active in watching the vlogs, blogs and forum posts in order to get more realization of how to be proper support for myself and others. I have searched for, discovered and subscribed to other most active Desteni member sites on the Blogger, WordPress and Multiply, which took quite a lot of time. So now I am continuing with reading other's past blogs, watching almost everyone's new vlogs, and sharing them to my FaceBook, Netlog and Twitter profiles. I have also updated Desteni Slovenia web site with FaceBook, YouTube and Blog links of all current Desteni members from Slovenia.

Today is exactly one month since I have stopped masturbating and watching pornographic movies. I had no great temptations and I was able to stop every sexual distraction in a breath. But when I caught the scene of some erotic movie while I was in the fitness, where they have large TV sets in front of the gym bicycles, I noticed that I got erection due to participating in the sexual thoughts, triggered by the movie scene. Then I focused on my breathing and the disappeared as fast as it appears.

For past three weeks I have had an online chats and phone talks with some girl who liked me, based on my dating site profile. Two days ago, she took over two hours drive and came to meet me for the first time in flesh at my apartment. We connected quite well and spent the night together. Her partner left her 6 months ago, after 17 years of living together, and she is now living in the house with his divorced some close relative and adorable 11 years old daughter. We'll se how this story will unfold in the future.

Regarding my income, I have been for past three weeks distributing the rest of my 15.000 flyers for my counseling services to the nearby cities. I have spent at least 6 hour on foot per day and inserted promotional material into the mailboxes, but I do not expect many customers soon. I've learned that this kind of business needs more time and advertisement to succeed. Because of focusing myself only at the counseling services for past several month, I have got myself in the deepest debt, so they also blocked my credit card for the first time in my life. This is why I decided to stop with promoting my counseling services and to restart offering my graphic and web design services. I have already got some order from some close relative, and I will start to offer my design services also to other companies in my area. I expect to get out of debt in a month or two, and I will also see, how much the participation in the Desteni Income Plan will contribute to my financial situation.
.

2010 - Why took me so long to start writing myself to freedom

I got familiar with the process of Writing myself to freedom that includes self-forgiveness around November 2009, but I was afraid that my writing would not be efficient, since one has to apply self-forgiveness in very specific way in order to have an effect. So when I noticed that the Structural Resonance Alignment Training has been launched, I perceived it to be a kind of detailed study of how to do self-forgiveness in proper way.

So I applied for SRA, became a January 2010 Group 1 student and followed the lessons. However I found out, that SRA is not intended to guide you through all the self-forgiveness that is needed, but it only teaches you a different techniques and you do mind analysis and self-forgiveness just to some example point, and then it is needed to apply this tools to all the points that come up by yourself. So until now, I did self-forgiveness just to the extend that was required in the SRA lessons.

So far I have been applying only the tool of breathing and some vlogging. This had some effect of me becoming more calm and also my skin condition improved. And as announced in my vlog on 4. September 2010, I stopped masturbating and watching porn. Today, after 23 days of stopping, I am still standing, experience no great temptations, and I can say that my head is much more clear, I am less tired and much more able to direct myself. I also try to not sleep more that 6 hours, and this has also contributed to my daily performance.

However I still feel how my mind patterns daily trigger thousands of emotional reactions, that I suppress and are thus manifested as a itchy feeling on my skin around my genital region. This is why I see, that it is crucial to start defusing this emotional triggers by stopping the mind, putting them here through writing and releasing them by applying self-forgiveness. I have tried to stop the mind simply by breathing, but I see, that some patterns have integrated into my body so deeply that I am unable to stop them in the breath. So let the writing begin!
.

2010 - My first blog post

Hi everyone and welcome to my new blog!

This blog is intended for my Desteni process support of self-realization. I will be sharing my 'Writing yourself to freedom' posts here that include thoughts, feelings and emotions descriptions, and self-forgiveness on the points where I deceive myself with accepted and allowed believes, ideas, definitions and expectations that distract my awareness from what is in this moment actually here. If you want to know more about Desteni and the process, please visit following links:

http://www.desteni.co.za
http://www.youtube.com/DesteniProductions
http://www.equalmoney.org
http://www.youtube.com/EqualMoney101
http://www.bernardpoolman.org/SRA
http://www.desteni.si
http://www.valentinrozman.si

Thanks and enjoy! Valentin
.