This is a continuation of my previous blog Repeating strong vertigo research in order to find out the reasons for occasionally experiencing strong vertigo.
I decided not to visit the doctor to check my blood since I am currently short of money and I have not payed for health insurance for a few months now, so this examination could cost me some money which is not necessary right now. I have concluded that my vertigo is not caused due to chemical imbalance in my blood, nor do I experience any tooth or other pain, accept some pain in the neck.
The last vertigo happened after intensive working with computer. I have two days in a row spent selecting, copyright stamping and uploading 75 photo galleries to my FaceBook business page in order to promote my professional photography services. I pushed myself to do this very extensively, since I need to earn money as soon as possible, so I worked all Thursday and Friday, sitting in front of the computer from 10am to 4am, that is 16 hours per day. I did occasional pause, prepared something to eat and danced a couple of times, but it seems that the strain has been too much after all, so the Saturday morning my body gave me a lesson.
The vertigo before the last one took the control of my body after spending two days with some girlfriend. The meeting with a girl should be fun and result in relaxation, but the way how I experienced the meeting was full of stress and frustration. Surely we had sex and I enjoyed physical intimacy, but the way I interpreted all that activities was full of fear, judgement and frustration. The whole time of I was thinking how spending time together is just a waste of time and money, totally unproductive and without any possibility of long-lasting agreement. I did not express myself and shared my thoughts, since the girl was not able to handle what I stand and wish for, and thus I suppressed myself. I endured all the trouble of going out just for the sake of sex. So the next day, after the girl left, the vertigo grounded me as never before.
Today I pushed myself again since I wanted to process as quickly all the videos at the new DIP Beginners forum. After watching about 30 videos one after another, the vertigo started to emerge again. I had to stop and lay down for un hour or so, and then I stabilized myself again. I decided to quit watching videos for today in order to avoid any further complications.
My actions of pushing myself were based on idea of being a self-directive principle and thus directing my physical body in order to do the stuff that needed to be done. As I read in the Desteni material, every pain, resistance or feeling of tiredness is produced due to participating in the mind consciousness system and allowing to direct by body, instead of me directing my body in very single breath. So I pushed myself and did not allow and physical discomfort to distract me from what I was doing. However what I missed is to take care of the diversity of body movement and actions throughout the day, since I spent almost every day in my apartment, sitting in front of my computer. The second thing that I missed were subconscious thoughts that compounded more and more and this all this resulted in the vertigo. So I have to be more careful about those points in the future in order to support myself as one and equal with my physical body more effectively.
In regards to vertigo being related to biting/squeezing teeth together, I wish to share some incredible story. A few years ago I attended some meditation group meeting in our local public library basement room. That day we were to learn a special relaxation technique, developed by some person who had an accident and could not move any part of the body, except the jaw. The doctors predicted that he would not recover and would have to spent the rest of the life lying in the bed. But after a while he got some inner guidance that told him to start slowly and gently opening and closing the jaw repeatedly. After practicing this technique, his body slowly came back to life, until he completely recovered and was able to move fully, like before he had the accident. So I also started to experiment with that tool in and I am making sure that I am not biting my teeth together and thus producing any tension.
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06 December 2010
04 December 2010
2010 - Repeating strong vertigo research
I have been again experiencing extremely strong vertigo today and I want to find the reason for it in order not to be repeated again. This kind of vertigo started to appear about two years ago and it repeated a couple of times a year. The last vertigo I experienced, and which was the worst so far, lasting and only slowly diminishing in the period of one week, happened 12. October 2010, and I wrote about it this blog post, which I also posted in my blogs thread at Desteni Open Forum:
Having the vertigo all day
I expected to receive some support, but I did received no comment whatsoever. Today I searched for the Desteni Open Forum and found this relevant thread, started 23. October 2010 from Georg Haeussler:
Vertigo
Marlen suggested writing and applying self-forgiveness on the points, related to experiencing the vertigo again in order to regain self-directive principle. Ann suggested to check for infected teeth since it can make the balance fall away. Brett suggested to research fo Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome since it is often misdiagnosed as just vertigo. Rebeca shared her experience of nausea to be related to judgment of the people around her and how she stopped it using breath. Georg added that blood sugar level also places a role since the vertigo episodes tend to be more severe if he hadn't eaten in a while. Ralf explained that many of vertigos come from very small particles in your inner ear, suggested to investigate http://www.neuro24.de/s3.htm article, explained how muscle tensions in the neck and related parts in your back is another possibility and shared his experience of vertigo for more than a year coming and going until he realized that the reason was biting his tooth together under stress and while sleeping and that the big picture of every illness is a result of your belief system, starting with a though till it manifests as a sub system in your mind conscious system, till this finally affects your body.
I am going to check my blood at the doctor on Monday, research my mind-patterns possibly related to vertigo and write it in my next blog and I would like to ask everyone, especially Bernard and Sunette/Resonances to give me any additional feedback in order to point out the cause for my vertigo, so I am posting this blog post also to Desteni Subscription Forum.
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01 December 2010
2010 - Breath orgasm instead of masturbating
Starting 4. September 2010 I have managed to stop masturbating until one week ago, that is 24. November 2010, so almost 3 full months. It was very cool, since I had no temptations and the head of my penis was very unresponsive to touch. But lately I have been exposed to many sexual scenes simply by catching some short part of movies while visiting my father and while watching some South Park cartoons. It is odd that creators of cartoons included scenes of children jerking off dicks of dogs, sexual intercourse acts and very pictures language. Being exposed to these images and words, my sex system obviously reactivated and I started to have sexual dreams. I also had a business meeting with some masseur, who told me, that people are asking her if she also offers massage where female masseurs are naked and they give customers a massage of the penis until they come. She was frown upon this questions, but she expressed her believe that occasional ejaculation is beneficial since this way you get rid of impurities that are building up in the liver.
So I decided to experience orgasm again and I masturbated, sitting on the couch in my living room. And I also masturbated the next day in the bathroom. In both occasions I had my eyes opened and I watched my penis and observed the flow of energies. No thoughts or images were involved. I wanted to be totally aware of everything that was happening in order to understand the sex system. I was not very proud of myself to indulge this act, and I wanted to transform it. Some weeks ago I have watched the series on breath orgasm, but I did not need to practice it, since no energy compounded that would be necessary to distribute. But now, since the sex system came alive again, I decided to test it. Yesterday while I was taking a shower, I started to touch all the parts of my body and breathed deeply in order to distribute the energy to every cell of my body. I experienced tingling feeling in the whole of my body, as I have been experienced it on some occasions before, when doing some yoga breathing techniques. I enjoyed it and I also allowed myself to scream, but not very loud, since I did not want to attract attention of my neighbors. I don't know if what I have experienced was a breath orgasm, or if the experience of breath orgasm should be something different or more intense, since feelings are difficult to describe and compare.
I will use the breath orgasm tool to release any build up of energy from now one. I have noticed, that classical genital orgasm somehow pulls the energy from the lower back of my legs and then fuels the mind helmet that is suppressing me. Rubbing the penis is also linked with the desire to have a partner to have sex with, so that you would enjoy the feeling of enclosed penis with soft, warm and moist vagina, butt or mouth hole. Practicing genital orgasm is driving you towards seeking for a partner and thus the whole life starts to revolve around being alert and searching for someone that could become your sex partner. You do not see others as living beings anymore but just as a walking vaginas, created only to give you penis a sexual pleasure. Breath orgasm obviously removes this need, since you distribute the energy to all parts of your body simply by breath and with caressing yourself. There is no need to stimulate just a certain part of your body in certain way and you do not need to be naked. Instead of mechanical stimulation of the penis, the source of pleasure is transformed from just one region of the body to the whole body. Your entire body becomes the sexual organ. You do not need a partner to give yourself an orgasm and thus you free yourself from any need of any other beings in order to enjoy orgasm. Fascinating!
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14 November 2010
2010 - Pain in my back after subjugation to my father
You are welcome to read this post translated in Slovenian language.
After I allowed my father to force me in writing my 'public apology' exactly as he dictated, since he imposed his believe that I 'hurt his feelings', I woke with the pain in the center of my back the next day. I went to check and read the Veno's Structural Resonance document on the back points and saw that the center and lower back and the buttock points are about giving your 'power' or 'life energy' away to the 'mind-consciousness system'.
When I wrote the public apology I considered this act as 'becoming one and equal' with the 'mind-consciousness system' of my father and 'avoiding compromising' myself by short-term indulging the inability of my father to act from the common sense. I did not consider that by doing this I would suffer any consequences, since he agreed that my statement would not be in fact the act of self-honesty but lying and that this would be the last lye that he would demand from me.
However I understand the pain in my back as the consequence of in fact giving my power to the mind-consciousness system and allowing myself to have power over me, since I see no other events that would be able to cause my pain. So I am correcting myself in order to take my life energy back from the mind-consciousness system in order to remove the pain:
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After I allowed my father to force me in writing my 'public apology' exactly as he dictated, since he imposed his believe that I 'hurt his feelings', I woke with the pain in the center of my back the next day. I went to check and read the Veno's Structural Resonance document on the back points and saw that the center and lower back and the buttock points are about giving your 'power' or 'life energy' away to the 'mind-consciousness system'.
When I wrote the public apology I considered this act as 'becoming one and equal' with the 'mind-consciousness system' of my father and 'avoiding compromising' myself by short-term indulging the inability of my father to act from the common sense. I did not consider that by doing this I would suffer any consequences, since he agreed that my statement would not be in fact the act of self-honesty but lying and that this would be the last lye that he would demand from me.
However I understand the pain in my back as the consequence of in fact giving my power to the mind-consciousness system and allowing myself to have power over me, since I see no other events that would be able to cause my pain. So I am correcting myself in order to take my life energy back from the mind-consciousness system in order to remove the pain:
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by my father, using his anger and threats of suing me with the lawyer and removing me from his will and not paying me the money for the work that I done for his clients for the price that we both agree upon, since by allowing this I am not allowing my father not to take responsibility for his feelings and emotions.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to be intimidated by anyone that is not willing to take responsibility for the feelings and emotions that they create for themselves, since every energetic movement is the responsibility of the person who is experiencing it and only they have the power to defuse it by applying self-forgiveness.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to give my life energy away to other people and suffering their emotional projection and abuse in order to get the money.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by mind-consciousness system and thus compromising myself as life, fearing of what other people might do to me and thus allowing energy to be more than life, instead of standing up unconditionally as life in total self-honesty and self-expression and for principles of oneness end equality.
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11 November 2010
2010 - Consequences of mentioning my father in my blogs
You are welcome to read this post translated to Slovenian language.
While creating my blogs and vlogs in the Desteni process of self-realization in order to bringing all of my subconscious mind patterns here by writing and transcending them with process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I have also mentioned my father several times as the main influencer in my life. We are writing blogs and shooting vlogs and publishing them publicly from several reasons:
We take care not to use personal names, since the process is not about pointing fingers and blaming others, but taking self-responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. However we still need to use some word to describe others in order to picture our relations and the intensity of influence, so we use words like 'father', 'mother', 'brother', 'sister', 'best friend', 'girlfriend' etc. in order to keep the maximum level of anonymity and still securing the understanding of the relationships. Total anonymity can never be achieved since everyone who we describe in our blogs and vlogs can be recognised by themselves or by others who know them. So some might react to the description of how we experience their behaviour.
One of them was my father, who did not like how I described my past experiences with him. He does not care about my process and does not follow my blogs and vlogs, however, others who know him have reported him the blogs and vlogs who describe him and expressed deep concern about my actions. Since my father is a quite well known public figure, and has experienced my posts about him as harmful and damaging, he insisted me to remove the blogs and vlogs that describe him, not to use the word 'father' any more and to write public apology in order to avoid the consequences of my actions. I have removed the word 'father' end certain blogs and post from the public and this is my self-forgiveness in order to make peace with him:
While creating my blogs and vlogs in the Desteni process of self-realization in order to bringing all of my subconscious mind patterns here by writing and transcending them with process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I have also mentioned my father several times as the main influencer in my life. We are writing blogs and shooting vlogs and publishing them publicly from several reasons:
- The first reason is to make possible for others to read our posts and support and direct us as one and equal in order to successfully defuse the mind-consciousness system that distract our attentions from what is here by constant production of thoughts and consequently emotions and feeling.
- The second reason is to support others by showing publicly how to becoming the living example of self-honesty and self-directive principle as one and equal with life and do what is best for all in order to end all the abuse in this world once and for all.
We take care not to use personal names, since the process is not about pointing fingers and blaming others, but taking self-responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. However we still need to use some word to describe others in order to picture our relations and the intensity of influence, so we use words like 'father', 'mother', 'brother', 'sister', 'best friend', 'girlfriend' etc. in order to keep the maximum level of anonymity and still securing the understanding of the relationships. Total anonymity can never be achieved since everyone who we describe in our blogs and vlogs can be recognised by themselves or by others who know them. So some might react to the description of how we experience their behaviour.
One of them was my father, who did not like how I described my past experiences with him. He does not care about my process and does not follow my blogs and vlogs, however, others who know him have reported him the blogs and vlogs who describe him and expressed deep concern about my actions. Since my father is a quite well known public figure, and has experienced my posts about him as harmful and damaging, he insisted me to remove the blogs and vlogs that describe him, not to use the word 'father' any more and to write public apology in order to avoid the consequences of my actions. I have removed the word 'father' end certain blogs and post from the public and this is my self-forgiveness in order to make peace with him:
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my father's desire to be presented in only nice and acceptable way, since he needs to keep the certain public image in order to be successful in his business.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate with the decision to secure myself additional source of income instead of pushing only my latest counselling services to the level of getting in quite deep debt.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create division between me and my father since I judged his emotional reactions instead of accepting and directing him as one and equal with me.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect from my parents unconditional support just because I am their child, instead of accepting them as one and equal and being grateful for everything that they have offered me.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved only by money, working just to get money and stopping the movement when I had enough money, instead of moving myself constantly breath by breath as life and direct myself towards what is best for all.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely to my parents to save me whenever I would be in the financial trouble, and thus allowing myself to get into debt and feeling safe by expecting that they would help me also this time as they have done so many times before.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept everyone as one and equal to myself and trying to present myself as someone more intelligent and more perfect and thus criticising them, their lives and their jobs, instead of focusing on myself and clearing my emotional reactions.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I can help others without helping myself first, since I can not direct others as one and equal to myself effectively until I remove all my energetic movements.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to the energy and to be moved only by energy instead of realising that as long as I allow to be moved by thought, feelings and emotions, I am a robot, a zombie, separate from the life and abusing life for my self-gratification, instead of becoming one with the physical and be here in every moment of evey breath, free from all the past.
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07 November 2010
2010 - Business and group relationships getting better
In the past few days I did not make any blog and vlog since I have been busy with some projects. The most prominent point is related to Desteni Slovenia forum. With the launch of the forum, the effective platform for joined collaboration has been created, and I strongly encouraged all Desteni Slovenia members to completely move any conversation in regards to Desteni Slovenia activities to the forum, since most of discussions so far went through FaceBook messaging. I wrote some topics in order to explain that it is important to work together as a group, and that this would be possible only if everyone of us writes any idea regarding the Desteni Slovenia development to the forum and then wait for other members to give their perspective about the subject, in order to develop the solution that is best for all.
Since some Desteni Slovenia members took some Desteni Slovenia group related actions on their own, I wrote some guideline suggestions what would be the best practice for collaboration in order to bring the best and most effective results regarding the world-wide goals of the Desteni. Some Desteni Slovenia members took inactive to start translating the Desteni texts. Many are eager about promoting the Equal Money System in our country. From my perspective investing the time basically to promote Equal Money System should not be the primary focus, since I see the translation of the Desteni FAQ texts and Desteni Video Series more primary steps in order to introduce Desteni solutions to the public most effectively. However, since some have already decided to go with the Equal Money System FAQ translation, I considered it to be important to firstly agree what Slovenian words would be the best to use for the most common words of Desteni Language, in order for translations to be unified. So I started and pushed the discussion on Desteni Slovenia forum in order to vote for the best Desteni Language words translations and now the democratically elected words are publicly available via the Google Docs spreadsheet Slovar Desteni besednjaka.
I am glad, that we have started to work together more effectively, and that some people that I have been in conflict with, were able to apply self-corrective application in order to defuse their emotional triggers in regards to me. And I have also pushed myself to be more self-directive to what is best for all in regards to Desteni Slovenia group development. Since I am very skilled in the computer related solutions, I have made some initiatives and suggestions in order to bring all group members together in joined and as much effective collaboration as possible. The Desteni Slovenia Goggle account has been created in order to bring most from the use of Google group collaboration applications, and we also created the Desteni Slovenia YouTube channel that will host the translated or subtitled Desteni videos. Some have also expressed the want to start typing blogs and shooting vlogs in Slovenian language and there was a discussion what would be the best approach regarding this. I suggested for everybody to create separate YouTube channels and blogs, since Desteni web site is automatically linking and feeding the blog posts and vlogs of the active Desteni members to Desteni Community web page. And since the selected Desteni language is english and viewers are from all over the words, I concluded that it would be best to host Slovenian blog posts and vlogs in separate blogs and channels in order to avoid feeding the content in Slovenian language to the viewers who do not understand Slovenian and can thus not able to have any use of it. This is why I created my Slovenian blog and my Slovenian YouTube channel and it is up to other to follow my example or not.
In regards to my business, the improvements are quite fast. Firstly one of my best friends, who is my close neighbor and is similar age, came with a proposal to buy the photographic equipment for himself that I will be able to rent any time, after he heard that I decided to restart my photography services and I sold all my photo equipment two years ago. So few days ago we went to the photo store and we extensively tested several models and brands in order to buy the best camera and accessories with the money currently available. It was a tuff decision since there were two very similar models form different top brands. We decided to go with the second brand even though I used the first brand as a professional photographer for many years before. The SLR digital camera that we bought has many functions and also ability to shoot Full HD movies, and we needed to learn how it operates. So we went together yesterday for a trip in order to study and test all the functions. Since my friend did not have a knowledge about photography, I explained him the basics of photography and then we went deep to study the function of every single button on the camera body, since there were quite lot of them. I became very enthusiastic about the selected camera brand and the model, since the feel and handling of the camera is much more smooth and soft as the previous brand models which I have been working with so far. After a field trip, we made a couple of hours break and then continued to study at my apartment in the evening. And even after the evening study, there were still many functions left to figure out, especially in regards to shooting movies and creative lighting. So we will meet again in the following days in order to become masters of handling the new equipment.
The other of my best friends, who has been living in the same building as me, alone with his divorced mother, in the third floor, moved to the flat in the ground floor, right next to my apartment, since some old lady moved away recently. He is not so good fried, since he smokes, drinks, listens to loud house and trance music and makes slander about other people. He did a lot of drugs in past years and turned mad, so he is officially declared as not able to work and is on the psychiatric drug treatment now. He is not working and is living on the social and his mother's support, who is a medical doctor and earns a lot of money. His mother also took the credit to by him this small apartment, so he is a very lucky guy, considering his actions. He invited me and the other friend to come for a visit to look at his new place. Soon after we came, he started to enthusiastically explain about how he watched some porn movie and recognized some female actor. That actor was to be a girl who is a psychologist with a degree from our capital city and who we also meet and talked in person. She smokes pot occasionally, drives an expensive sport car and is also working as a fashion model. So my friend was totally sure that it was her in the porn movie, and that now it is clear why she was able to afford such expensive car, since she probably got a lot of money from starring in that porn movie.
The starting point of my friend telling us this story was to join him at his laughter and feelings of envy, anger and disgust, while describing her as a top whore, who was the dominant character in the movie and took the all effort to fuck the male actors by herself. But while listening to his story, I directed myself to stay here, not to go in my mind, not creating pictures of how she fucked the guys, not defined her actions and herself as something less that me and thus not producing negative energetic feelings. I simply remained still and waited for my friend to finish talking. He and my friends were very surprised about me not joining them at laughing. So I explained that criticizing others is in fact not accepting others as one and equal to yourself, and that inequality is the cause of all the suffering in this world. I told my friend that his reactions are unacceptable, and that he should rather start correcting his behavior patterns, since there will be no place in the future for the people who decide to continue with any abusive attitude towards others. He replied that there is no way that he is going to change. And I said fine and that he should then not expect me to enjoin his company as long as he is sticking to that decision.
On the general, I have noticed that I have become much more stable, have less daily energetic movements and thus also the skin condition improved noticeably. I guess this is also due to practicing self-forgiveness verbally out loud at the moment when I experience any emotional reaction. Of course I am not able to stop and defuse them all at the moment of appearance, but I am pushing myself to face them as much as possible, especially when I am alone in the apartment and thus do not attract unnecessary attention of other people. However I have noticed that I was not able to get up from the bed so easily as I would expected, after making by vlog Self-forgiveness in the bed in regards to over-sleeping, and this has to be due to increased stress in the past few days. But I expect to regain my latest gained sleeping pattern of not sleeping more that five hours per day soon.
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Since some Desteni Slovenia members took some Desteni Slovenia group related actions on their own, I wrote some guideline suggestions what would be the best practice for collaboration in order to bring the best and most effective results regarding the world-wide goals of the Desteni. Some Desteni Slovenia members took inactive to start translating the Desteni texts. Many are eager about promoting the Equal Money System in our country. From my perspective investing the time basically to promote Equal Money System should not be the primary focus, since I see the translation of the Desteni FAQ texts and Desteni Video Series more primary steps in order to introduce Desteni solutions to the public most effectively. However, since some have already decided to go with the Equal Money System FAQ translation, I considered it to be important to firstly agree what Slovenian words would be the best to use for the most common words of Desteni Language, in order for translations to be unified. So I started and pushed the discussion on Desteni Slovenia forum in order to vote for the best Desteni Language words translations and now the democratically elected words are publicly available via the Google Docs spreadsheet Slovar Desteni besednjaka.
I am glad, that we have started to work together more effectively, and that some people that I have been in conflict with, were able to apply self-corrective application in order to defuse their emotional triggers in regards to me. And I have also pushed myself to be more self-directive to what is best for all in regards to Desteni Slovenia group development. Since I am very skilled in the computer related solutions, I have made some initiatives and suggestions in order to bring all group members together in joined and as much effective collaboration as possible. The Desteni Slovenia Goggle account has been created in order to bring most from the use of Google group collaboration applications, and we also created the Desteni Slovenia YouTube channel that will host the translated or subtitled Desteni videos. Some have also expressed the want to start typing blogs and shooting vlogs in Slovenian language and there was a discussion what would be the best approach regarding this. I suggested for everybody to create separate YouTube channels and blogs, since Desteni web site is automatically linking and feeding the blog posts and vlogs of the active Desteni members to Desteni Community web page. And since the selected Desteni language is english and viewers are from all over the words, I concluded that it would be best to host Slovenian blog posts and vlogs in separate blogs and channels in order to avoid feeding the content in Slovenian language to the viewers who do not understand Slovenian and can thus not able to have any use of it. This is why I created my Slovenian blog and my Slovenian YouTube channel and it is up to other to follow my example or not.
In regards to my business, the improvements are quite fast. Firstly one of my best friends, who is my close neighbor and is similar age, came with a proposal to buy the photographic equipment for himself that I will be able to rent any time, after he heard that I decided to restart my photography services and I sold all my photo equipment two years ago. So few days ago we went to the photo store and we extensively tested several models and brands in order to buy the best camera and accessories with the money currently available. It was a tuff decision since there were two very similar models form different top brands. We decided to go with the second brand even though I used the first brand as a professional photographer for many years before. The SLR digital camera that we bought has many functions and also ability to shoot Full HD movies, and we needed to learn how it operates. So we went together yesterday for a trip in order to study and test all the functions. Since my friend did not have a knowledge about photography, I explained him the basics of photography and then we went deep to study the function of every single button on the camera body, since there were quite lot of them. I became very enthusiastic about the selected camera brand and the model, since the feel and handling of the camera is much more smooth and soft as the previous brand models which I have been working with so far. After a field trip, we made a couple of hours break and then continued to study at my apartment in the evening. And even after the evening study, there were still many functions left to figure out, especially in regards to shooting movies and creative lighting. So we will meet again in the following days in order to become masters of handling the new equipment.
The other of my best friends, who has been living in the same building as me, alone with his divorced mother, in the third floor, moved to the flat in the ground floor, right next to my apartment, since some old lady moved away recently. He is not so good fried, since he smokes, drinks, listens to loud house and trance music and makes slander about other people. He did a lot of drugs in past years and turned mad, so he is officially declared as not able to work and is on the psychiatric drug treatment now. He is not working and is living on the social and his mother's support, who is a medical doctor and earns a lot of money. His mother also took the credit to by him this small apartment, so he is a very lucky guy, considering his actions. He invited me and the other friend to come for a visit to look at his new place. Soon after we came, he started to enthusiastically explain about how he watched some porn movie and recognized some female actor. That actor was to be a girl who is a psychologist with a degree from our capital city and who we also meet and talked in person. She smokes pot occasionally, drives an expensive sport car and is also working as a fashion model. So my friend was totally sure that it was her in the porn movie, and that now it is clear why she was able to afford such expensive car, since she probably got a lot of money from starring in that porn movie.
The starting point of my friend telling us this story was to join him at his laughter and feelings of envy, anger and disgust, while describing her as a top whore, who was the dominant character in the movie and took the all effort to fuck the male actors by herself. But while listening to his story, I directed myself to stay here, not to go in my mind, not creating pictures of how she fucked the guys, not defined her actions and herself as something less that me and thus not producing negative energetic feelings. I simply remained still and waited for my friend to finish talking. He and my friends were very surprised about me not joining them at laughing. So I explained that criticizing others is in fact not accepting others as one and equal to yourself, and that inequality is the cause of all the suffering in this world. I told my friend that his reactions are unacceptable, and that he should rather start correcting his behavior patterns, since there will be no place in the future for the people who decide to continue with any abusive attitude towards others. He replied that there is no way that he is going to change. And I said fine and that he should then not expect me to enjoin his company as long as he is sticking to that decision.
On the general, I have noticed that I have become much more stable, have less daily energetic movements and thus also the skin condition improved noticeably. I guess this is also due to practicing self-forgiveness verbally out loud at the moment when I experience any emotional reaction. Of course I am not able to stop and defuse them all at the moment of appearance, but I am pushing myself to face them as much as possible, especially when I am alone in the apartment and thus do not attract unnecessary attention of other people. However I have noticed that I was not able to get up from the bed so easily as I would expected, after making by vlog Self-forgiveness in the bed in regards to over-sleeping, and this has to be due to increased stress in the past few days. But I expect to regain my latest gained sleeping pattern of not sleeping more that five hours per day soon.
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02 November 2010
2010 - Facing point in regards to reading posts of others
I have noticed, that when I watch vlogs, and especially when I read blogs, I am having trouble to properly absorb the information that is presented. I have decided to follow blogs and vlogs of certain Desteni members, and firstly when I noticed that they are using several different publishing platforms, I have become a bit desperate, since I imagined that I would need to create different accounts, log in, and check for the new feeds regularly. Then I discovered fantastic Google Reader application to which I was able to add all different platform blogs and also YouTube channel URL's, so now I get the notification in form of small Google Reader Notifier Extension icon on the Google Chrome web browser interface, and I am able to open any new feed with just two simple clicks. This is so awesome cool, that I recommend to everybody.
The starting point of reading blogs and watching blogs is to 'get more realization' about the Desteni process, to learn how 'writing yourself to freedom' is done properly, how the support in form of comments is to be done effectively, and in order for me to add my own support. What I have noticed thereby is, that I am not able to properly participate within this actions. So let me go step by step, in order to expose all the points of resistance of my secret mind.
In the moment when I notice the Google Reader new feed notification, I became curious about what and by whom has been created and published. I click on the icon and I see two lines for every single new feed that shows the title of the subject and the name of the blog or the channel. At this point I am already able to see if the feed is about YouTube video or some blog text. By the title, I am able to see what video or blog is about, and by the blog or channel name, I am able to identify who is the author. Of course this is true only for the blogs and channels that have the first and last names of the authors included in the blog or channel URL's, so I do not know from whom is the blog, named like 'Making the better world', unless I have already associated and remembered the name of the author of the blog. So my first reaction here is WTF do people not use their true names in the YouTube channel names and blog main titles, and are forcing me to check the blog profile details in order to see who is the author.
Then, based on the type and quantity of the feed, I decide which one and when I will watch. The type of the feed is related to the sort of attention needed in order to absorb the information. For instance, blogs need much more attention, since I have to be steady and use my eyes in order to focus my sight on the screen and read the text. And since the most of the vlogs include audio, I can simply listen to them and do not need to use my eyes, thus using ears is sufficient enough. So considering how I feel at the moment of receiving the feeds, I decide how many and witch blogs and vlogs I am going to process at that moment. I usually save the videos to be watched later, when I prepare or have the meal, wash the dishes or iron the laundry. I organize all the things to do in the way to use the available time as effective as possible. Reading blogs need my full attention and I can do nothing parallel to reading. However while listening to vlogs, I can focus my sight and make use of my hands also to some other task and thus split the time if I would do each task one after another.
Before or after processing the feed, I make a note on my Google Documents Spreadsheet which I use to record all my major Desteni related tasks. I record the date, author/channel name, blog/vlog title and URL for the each feed I process. I started to build this database for self-defense after some new Desteni members have been accusing me to be a faker and perceived me as not walking the process at all. This has been before I have started actively participating in the Desteni open forum and doing my own blogs and vlogs. For the past half of year, the only sign of my progress could be visible through the 'SRA Jan 01' private forum, so others could not see the extent of my participation. I needed to present some practical evidence in order others to see the level of my devotion to Desteni, accept me as one of their own and stop being spiteful towards me. So whenever someone came with any doubt, I would simply forward him the link to my records in order to shut its mouth. And this was in deed very effective. I have watched many Desteni videos and articles but did not made any comments in order for others to see what I have processed so far. But then I have started to post the comments and now also started with my own blogs and vlogs, so my record has lost the primary defense function. However I have found it useful also for myself in order to easily check if I have already process certain link in order to avoid duplicate processing. And I am also able to easily find and forward any useful link to others in order to support them. Thus I am continuing with recording of my activities in order to increase effectiveness of support and self-support.
The process of making a record involves copying and pasting as many information as possible in order to speed up the process. In the firs column of the spreadsheet I copy current date from the cells above. In the following column I copy and paste the names of the YouTube channels, video names and URL's, since they are short and meaningful enough, and but when inserting the blogs identifier information, the process is much more painful. I want to keep the vlog name short in order to have the whole span of the cell columns on my notebook screen at once. Since the blog names are very long, and do usually even do not contain the name of the author, I have decided to manually enter full names. End some blogs have also certain layout that prevents me to copy and paste the blog post title alone. In attempt to select only the blog post title, the body of the post gets selected together with the title. Thus I can not simply paste the blog post title in the spreadsheet cell, and need to make intermediate step. This includes opening the notepad application, pasting the copied text, selecting and copying only the blog post title and finally pasting it into the spreadsheet cell. So this is why I go here WTF do people not use their names i the blog URL, blog title or at least in the blog author profile, and why do they use the blog type that prevents simple selecting of the blog post title.
When watching the vlogs who have low sound volume, I go WTF did creator not make enough effort in order to provide sufficient audio quality. So if I decide to watch vlogs while hand-washing the dishes, I have to make a special selection of those, who are loud enough, since quite high level of audio noise is produced by the process of washing dishes, LOL. And when reading blogs a go WTF has the author selected the layout with such long lines and small text, or WTF has he selected the platform like Multiply, where I get distracted from the text by fucking annoying animated sidebar advertisements. And when making a blog comment, I go WTF did programmers not come out with the better spam prevention mechanism than the fucking-hard-to-read captcha text that I need to enter every single time when I want to make a comment!
But this are just the small point. Watch out, here comes the big ones. When I finally start to read the blog, the fucking thoughts come up and disturb by attention from reading. They go like why do you read this instead of doing something that is much more fun? And when I proceed, they go like how long is this text, will it take a lot to reach the end? So my eyes go to the slider in order to see how long is the slider button, compared with the hight of the slider bar, or I even click and pull the slider all the way down in order to really check how many lines of text is there in total. If the line count is up to 4 screen hight long, I go ok, well make it. But when the blog post is over this limit, I go WTF did the author decided to torture me with such massive volume of the information. When I tell myself that reading the blogs is beneficial and crucial for my self-support, I proceed with reading the text.
Then when I start reading, I have to focus very intensely in order to grasp what is being said. The first problem is english not being my native tongue, so I struggle much more with understanding text in English than in Slovenian language. It is like word are there, like graphical symbols and I have to pull myself into certain state of acceptance on openness in order to grasp the meaning of words. Lately I feel myself dissociated with the words I read. I see the words, I read the word, I understand the meaning of the words, but they do not penetrate inside me, they stay there, separated from myself. I run away from facing the words, wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. Like reading blogs is interesting from certain kind of perspective, but it also somehow mandatary in order to walk the process effectively. I need to prove to others that I participate, that I am involved, that I am worth of acceptance and unconditional love. So I see this as a sort of punishment, I sort of hell that I need to go through in order to be worth of living. And in fact this hell is my own creation, and I need now to face what I have accepted and allowed, and it is not very amusing. But I know there is no other way, so I continue to push myself, even if it is hard.
When I read several lines of the blog text, a fear comes up that I would not be able to remember all the points. I am decided to leave the comment on every blog post that I read, basically from the reason to give author the feedback that I have read the post. I leave at least the small comment like "Thanks for sharing", and foremost I want author to know, that I have actually read every single line of the blog post. Some might make a comment and live a comment as formal note of support without reading the post in total. But I want to be a brave nice guy and do my best, and to comment just the posts that I have actually read. This is why the fear comes up if I would be able to understand everything what has been written and to write a valid and supportive comment. This fear then takes my attention away from reading. I read a few lines and I forgot what has been written in previous lines. So I return and read again, and again until the words and sentences become clear, penetrate inside me and become one with me. Then only am I able to make a valid comment at the end and get the satisfaction of the good done job.
The starting point of reading blogs and watching blogs is to 'get more realization' about the Desteni process, to learn how 'writing yourself to freedom' is done properly, how the support in form of comments is to be done effectively, and in order for me to add my own support. What I have noticed thereby is, that I am not able to properly participate within this actions. So let me go step by step, in order to expose all the points of resistance of my secret mind.
In the moment when I notice the Google Reader new feed notification, I became curious about what and by whom has been created and published. I click on the icon and I see two lines for every single new feed that shows the title of the subject and the name of the blog or the channel. At this point I am already able to see if the feed is about YouTube video or some blog text. By the title, I am able to see what video or blog is about, and by the blog or channel name, I am able to identify who is the author. Of course this is true only for the blogs and channels that have the first and last names of the authors included in the blog or channel URL's, so I do not know from whom is the blog, named like 'Making the better world', unless I have already associated and remembered the name of the author of the blog. So my first reaction here is WTF do people not use their true names in the YouTube channel names and blog main titles, and are forcing me to check the blog profile details in order to see who is the author.
Then, based on the type and quantity of the feed, I decide which one and when I will watch. The type of the feed is related to the sort of attention needed in order to absorb the information. For instance, blogs need much more attention, since I have to be steady and use my eyes in order to focus my sight on the screen and read the text. And since the most of the vlogs include audio, I can simply listen to them and do not need to use my eyes, thus using ears is sufficient enough. So considering how I feel at the moment of receiving the feeds, I decide how many and witch blogs and vlogs I am going to process at that moment. I usually save the videos to be watched later, when I prepare or have the meal, wash the dishes or iron the laundry. I organize all the things to do in the way to use the available time as effective as possible. Reading blogs need my full attention and I can do nothing parallel to reading. However while listening to vlogs, I can focus my sight and make use of my hands also to some other task and thus split the time if I would do each task one after another.
Before or after processing the feed, I make a note on my Google Documents Spreadsheet which I use to record all my major Desteni related tasks. I record the date, author/channel name, blog/vlog title and URL for the each feed I process. I started to build this database for self-defense after some new Desteni members have been accusing me to be a faker and perceived me as not walking the process at all. This has been before I have started actively participating in the Desteni open forum and doing my own blogs and vlogs. For the past half of year, the only sign of my progress could be visible through the 'SRA Jan 01' private forum, so others could not see the extent of my participation. I needed to present some practical evidence in order others to see the level of my devotion to Desteni, accept me as one of their own and stop being spiteful towards me. So whenever someone came with any doubt, I would simply forward him the link to my records in order to shut its mouth. And this was in deed very effective. I have watched many Desteni videos and articles but did not made any comments in order for others to see what I have processed so far. But then I have started to post the comments and now also started with my own blogs and vlogs, so my record has lost the primary defense function. However I have found it useful also for myself in order to easily check if I have already process certain link in order to avoid duplicate processing. And I am also able to easily find and forward any useful link to others in order to support them. Thus I am continuing with recording of my activities in order to increase effectiveness of support and self-support.
The process of making a record involves copying and pasting as many information as possible in order to speed up the process. In the firs column of the spreadsheet I copy current date from the cells above. In the following column I copy and paste the names of the YouTube channels, video names and URL's, since they are short and meaningful enough, and but when inserting the blogs identifier information, the process is much more painful. I want to keep the vlog name short in order to have the whole span of the cell columns on my notebook screen at once. Since the blog names are very long, and do usually even do not contain the name of the author, I have decided to manually enter full names. End some blogs have also certain layout that prevents me to copy and paste the blog post title alone. In attempt to select only the blog post title, the body of the post gets selected together with the title. Thus I can not simply paste the blog post title in the spreadsheet cell, and need to make intermediate step. This includes opening the notepad application, pasting the copied text, selecting and copying only the blog post title and finally pasting it into the spreadsheet cell. So this is why I go here WTF do people not use their names i the blog URL, blog title or at least in the blog author profile, and why do they use the blog type that prevents simple selecting of the blog post title.
When watching the vlogs who have low sound volume, I go WTF did creator not make enough effort in order to provide sufficient audio quality. So if I decide to watch vlogs while hand-washing the dishes, I have to make a special selection of those, who are loud enough, since quite high level of audio noise is produced by the process of washing dishes, LOL. And when reading blogs a go WTF has the author selected the layout with such long lines and small text, or WTF has he selected the platform like Multiply, where I get distracted from the text by fucking annoying animated sidebar advertisements. And when making a blog comment, I go WTF did programmers not come out with the better spam prevention mechanism than the fucking-hard-to-read captcha text that I need to enter every single time when I want to make a comment!
But this are just the small point. Watch out, here comes the big ones. When I finally start to read the blog, the fucking thoughts come up and disturb by attention from reading. They go like why do you read this instead of doing something that is much more fun? And when I proceed, they go like how long is this text, will it take a lot to reach the end? So my eyes go to the slider in order to see how long is the slider button, compared with the hight of the slider bar, or I even click and pull the slider all the way down in order to really check how many lines of text is there in total. If the line count is up to 4 screen hight long, I go ok, well make it. But when the blog post is over this limit, I go WTF did the author decided to torture me with such massive volume of the information. When I tell myself that reading the blogs is beneficial and crucial for my self-support, I proceed with reading the text.
Then when I start reading, I have to focus very intensely in order to grasp what is being said. The first problem is english not being my native tongue, so I struggle much more with understanding text in English than in Slovenian language. It is like word are there, like graphical symbols and I have to pull myself into certain state of acceptance on openness in order to grasp the meaning of words. Lately I feel myself dissociated with the words I read. I see the words, I read the word, I understand the meaning of the words, but they do not penetrate inside me, they stay there, separated from myself. I run away from facing the words, wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. Like reading blogs is interesting from certain kind of perspective, but it also somehow mandatary in order to walk the process effectively. I need to prove to others that I participate, that I am involved, that I am worth of acceptance and unconditional love. So I see this as a sort of punishment, I sort of hell that I need to go through in order to be worth of living. And in fact this hell is my own creation, and I need now to face what I have accepted and allowed, and it is not very amusing. But I know there is no other way, so I continue to push myself, even if it is hard.
When I read several lines of the blog text, a fear comes up that I would not be able to remember all the points. I am decided to leave the comment on every blog post that I read, basically from the reason to give author the feedback that I have read the post. I leave at least the small comment like "Thanks for sharing", and foremost I want author to know, that I have actually read every single line of the blog post. Some might make a comment and live a comment as formal note of support without reading the post in total. But I want to be a brave nice guy and do my best, and to comment just the posts that I have actually read. This is why the fear comes up if I would be able to understand everything what has been written and to write a valid and supportive comment. This fear then takes my attention away from reading. I read a few lines and I forgot what has been written in previous lines. So I return and read again, and again until the words and sentences become clear, penetrate inside me and become one with me. Then only am I able to make a valid comment at the end and get the satisfaction of the good done job.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good in regards to having Google Reader Notifier extension installed since I have compared myself to others and imagined that others do not use this extension but some other, less effective way of following blogs and vlogs, and have thus defined myself as more effective, more important, instead of realizing that the process that I am doing is facing myself in order to clear all the comparisons with anyone and become equal to everyone and support each other equally.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel good when doing self-forgiveness since I imagine how others will read this post and see me as effective in the process of self realization and define me as something more as themselves, instead of realizing that every single inequality is the cause of suffering in this world, that no one can exist as more as anybody else, and if I want to be supported, I need to support others as equal to myself.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to define the process of writing myself to freedom as a certain goal that is to be achieved and then having good feelings of glory after fulfilling this goal, instead of realizing that the process is about birthing myself from the physical, releasing the past and anchoring myself in this moment, and to start living for the first time, so the process is not something to achieve, but to live it in every single breath of this moment without ever ending it.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when noticing that not all blogs can be easily identified by the author, since it is I who have created this wish in order to link the blog post to the name of the author. There is no need for me to know who the author is, since the blogs are created by people as their own self-support and not for my amusement.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to have feelings of anger when some information can not be easily selected, copied and pasted and demanding perfection and alignment of reality with my expectations, instead of realizing that no one is perfect, the programmers are the same as me, and I am also not perfect and do mistakes, and it is I who need to release any expectations and demands of how the reality must be, and align myself with and accept reality the way it is in every moment of every breath.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to separating myself from the text I read since I have defined the process of reading as the punishment for myself, instead of realizing that the act of reading is the consequence of me directing myself in order to stop the separation, created when participating in my mind, and is the necessary step in order to become one with the physical, since I have realized that I can no longer exist in the mind and as the mind.
- I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the need to defend myself from others, since there is nothing to defend if I stand as life as one and equal to everyone. If anyone has defined me not as life as one and equal to himself, and thus created separation, it is his responsibility to release the illusional definitions and there is nothing that I need to do but to support others in facing their own self-accepted and allowed illusions.
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