2010 - Analyzing my dreams of deep water and great hight

I had I dream while I was waking up today. It was at the sea beach and I was part of some group that had vacations there and we had a delicious free meals and we were able to swim and jump into the water from different hight. The weather was warm and sunny, and the access to the water was from the pier or from coastline escarpment. There was no slow increase of the depth of water and it was about 1,5 meters deep right at the coastline and it slowly increased in depth every meter away from the shore. So you could jump into the water on your foot and there was no danger of getting hurt. But if jumping from greater hight, you had to push yourself off the jumping spot and land a few meter away from the shore in much deeper water.

There was also a very high building right next to the shore and it was about 10 floors high and it included the jumping platforms at every 3rd floor. You had to climb the stair and then wait for the people in front of you to jump first until it was finally your turn. I was at the jumping platform at the highest floor and it was finally my turn to jump. I looked down and it seems to me a very great distance to the water. I was considering if I was to jump, if it was safe to jump and that I could easily hurt myself or even die jumping from this hight. There were some swimmers just bellow my jumping area, they were swimming and jumping into the water from the shore level and they were not aware that there is a jumping spot right above their heads. I could easily hit someone while performing my jump and we could both get hurt.

There was also the point of judging the jumps. It was not like you were jumping just for your pleasure, every jump has been judged from others. The boy who jumped right before me performed a very still jump. He did not push off the platform to land in much deeper water away from the shore, but did just one step forward, enough to lose ground and fall into the depth. He grabbed his feet with his hands and pressed his head to his knees, in order to fall half-folded into the water, with his feet and head firstly touching the water surface, to produce as low diving resistance as possible. So his fall was not in the shape of arch, but just straight vertical line, remaining in one single body position almost right from the top and all the way down, until he would elegantly dive into the water. His point of breaking the water surface was just one meter from the hard stone coastline escarpment and if strong wind would blow from the sea to the beach, he would have smashed his head like a water mellon and died immediately.

But he was ok this time, and the judges gave him a very high score for his performance. And now it was my turn. I was considering what type of jump should I make. Should I also simply let myself fall down, should I push myself off and land more away from the shore to land in much deeper water, should I jump to my feet or should I perform a frontal jump, stretching my hands sideways from my body, and then positioning them in front of my head right before I would break the water surface. This would of course be much more elegant jump with possibilities of much higher scores, but is would be also much more dangerous jump. The angle of the body and the rotation moment would have to be just right for my body to reach the total vertical shape when touching the water. Since the hight is very large and it would take several seconds before I merry the water, I could miscalculate the proper force and rotate too little or too much, breaking the water surface flat, with much larger area of my body, and thus producing pressure to my skin that would result in pain and red skin or even injury of internal organs.

I concluded that this hight is too much for me and that I am too scared to jump, fearing of hurting myself. But I know that this fear is only due to lack of experience, so I decided to start jumping from lower hight and then slowly increasing the hight. At each level I would perform as many jumps as needed in order to totally remove all the fear and then I would go one level higher. This is the practice at all the sports. You start with smaller goals and then you push yourself higher and further. So I went down the stairs and got dressed and went to the dining room for a delicious meal and decided to continue with jumping from the level that is appropriate for me and then to progress slowly but surely.

And this is not the only dream that included water and hight that I had recently. A few days ago I had even more fantastic dream with diverse natural landscape, like Grand canyon and mountains like Mount everest in Tibet. The canyon was very deep, with crystal clear blue water, with many large lakes, and up above there would be high mountains with gorgeous views. I was part of the group that stayed in the cabin at some very hight and large mountain cliff and there would be a few kilometers of abyss bellow our cliff. It was very strange, but I needed to reposition our cabin to the new sport right to the edge of the cliff and there was a great danger of the cabin slipping on the rocks and falling into the abyss and crushing when hitting the hard rocks in the valley ground.

In the next scene of this dream I have been sailing down the river in the quite large white ship, crossing numerous gorgeous large lakes and straits in order to sail myself home. But there was a problem since I was in foreign country and whenever I would cross some strait to reach the next large lake down the river stream, I would have to pay a fee. I had the money but it was not it he local currency and I had great problems with exchanging the money and paying the fee. I imagined how nice it would be for all the world to have the same currency or if no one would charge any fee when crossing the regional borders, so we could al move freely and enjoying our life and the beautiful nature.

So if I try to analyze my dreams, I see that both include water and great hight. I remember that I have a history of bad experiences connected to water. For example when I was young and we had I school holiday at the sea, I would suffer unbearable pain in my ears. After I would come from the water, some water would stay in my ears and if the wind would blow, I would get an ear infection with tremendous stabbing pain in my ears. The doctor prescribed antibiotic pills and I would have to rest until I would get better. I had to become very careful to always wipe dry my ears and to protect my head with a cap over my ears whenever wind would blow, even in the middle of the hottest summer.

Sometimes in my early years I also totally lost my hearing ability on my left ear. I do not know exactly when this happened, but when my parents noticed that I am not responding to their calls as usual, they appointed me for a hearing ability check in the hospital. They established that I became deaf on my left ear, but the hearing on the right ear is still perfect. I made myself believe that I unconsciously became deaf on one ear in order to enjoy the silence while sleeping. Our house was not far from the railway road and I did not like for noise of trains to annoy me. So I concluded that becoming half deaf was to support me in order to be able to sleep with the head resting on the bed the way that the hearing ear would be covered and thus reducing the surrounding noise.

I remember how I needed complete silence in order to be able to fall asleep, and every single tiny noise would cause for me not to be able to fall into sleep for hours. Like in the army for example, when we were all sleeping in the room together, there was I clock on the wall, making tick-tack noise, and I was not able to fall asleep until I would stand up, remove the battery from the clock and thus removing the source of annoying repeating sound. This is obviously very silly, but this is just the way I functioned. I also asked the lieutenant to speak orders more loudly when we were marching in the row. After they inspected my hearing ability in the army, I was sent home only after one month of service, so this is another example of my hearing inability convenience. Otherwise I am able to hear perfectly when I am with other people, so most of my friends and people I meet do not know that I am deaf on one ear.

Now to continue with the symbolism, I came to conclusion that water represent the unconscious mind and that my fear of diving deep into the water represent the fear of facing myself with my accepted and allowed unconscious mind patterns. Regardless of how I might think that I am a brave nice child, I have to admit that I have been fighting all my life in order not having to face myself or the systems down below, under the surface of my awareness. In fact I have allowed myself to be quite naughty and evil guy, constantly doing some damage to myself and others. I was not willing to face this points, so I had to be punished and my physical gave me quite a number of painful lessons. I can not believe the extent of self-abuse that I have been allowing. I mean, how much do I need to suffer before I will get to the common sense.

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mind-fucked and enduring pain, instead of getting it and correcting myself according to the reality of this existence.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that physical pain is the result of some force from out there, attacking me for no reason and that I am suffering unjustly, instead of realizing that the physical is supporting me in my path of self-realization.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts and to think, since thoughts are the product of mind-conscious system, created with the intend to steal my attention from being aware of what is reality, which is only the physical in this very moment.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump from too great hight, meaning setting too high goals and then failing due to fear, instead of setting smaller goals that I am capable of realizing at this stage and then progressing slowly in accordance with my newly gained realization.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk alone, protecting my ego, choosing the hard way and abusing myself, instead of slowing myself, allowing myself to be supported from others and giving them equal support, so we could sort his reality much more quicker and establish heaven on earth.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the personality of scared poor child that needs a lot of love and support, constantly requiring the attention of my parents and others, sucking the energy of others like a fucking vampire, instead of standing as one and equal to others and supporting them equally as they are supporting me, becoming life, instead of the zombie, organic robot and a dead system that is abusing life.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of support of others, projecting the experience of past failed support of my parents and others, instead of realizing that the Desteni support is different, that people here are really standing with me as one and equal and that I absolutely need the support since I have been deceiving myself extensively so far and am thus not even able to trust myself at this stage.

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2010 - Reactions in regards liking on the FaceBook

One of the noticeable reactions that manifested as itching sensation on my skin today was when I was liking the new posts of Destonians on my FaceBook latest feeds. I decided to click all the "I like it" buttons on the feeds, starting from the top and moving down all the way to the feed that I liked the last time. It all went fine when I was liking the Desteni Productions new videos that others shared since I have already watched them, but when I liked some FaceBook feed that I have not read yet, I felt the itching sensation on the skin. This was clearly due to the suppression of my secret mind that launched some concerning thoughts.

The thoughts were asking me if I am in titled to like the posts of others that I have not watched or read yet. This is the point of self-honesty and following certain principle. I want to be totally hones, you know, the typical nice guy, reliable and stable in application, and every single action of mine is connected to some principle. The principle I followed was to like only the content that I processed. I wanted others to understand that when I like some content, this action is a indubitable evidence that I processed the liked content. This point is of course again the part of my perfectionistic personality construct.

But when I reached the first content that I did not process yet, I had to make a decision. I was either to process the content and then like, or skip the content and not like, or to like it regardless of me not processing it. The memory appeared about how I noticed that Cathy regularly liked my posts and the FaceBook displayed the notifications that she liked several posts one after another in several seconds. This is why I concluded that she just browsed my wall and quickly liked my post without actually watched or read every liked content. So I concluded that she is not liking the content based on the principle of confirming that she actually processed it, but only to give me a formal support.

I understand liking some content either on YouTube or FaceBook can have different starting points. Some do like only the content after they have processed it, but only if they actually liked the content, some process the content and then like it in order to show support, and some do actually not process the content fully but like it anyway. Of course there are also those who process the content and do not press the "I like it" button, even if they actually like it. There are many Desteni administration instructions about how to support the ranking and exposure of our content, so I can not know for granted if everyone that liked my content also actually gave the effort to process it fully. With regards to Cathy this is the impression I got.

So when I stumbled upon the content that I did not process yet, I was in dilemma what action to take. Would it be valid to simply like the post of Destonians even if I did not process it? Does everybody expect and prefer for others to like their content only after processing it? I want to be hones and not to deceive other, so what would be the best way for me to proceed? Of course I could contact everybody about their point of view regarding this question, but that would take a lot of time and then I would have to keep record about what every single one preferred in order to act in accordance to their expectations.

However I did not stop and come to any conclusion but I continued to like the posts, including the ones that I did not process. This was my unconscious procedure and thus produced suppressed friction and hot energy that I felt like an itching sensation on the skin. Fucking nasty feeling that I would like to avoid. So this blog post is to defuse the inner conflict in order to stop my emotional reaction regarding this point. In order not to be in dilemma what my liking of some content would mean, I need to come to clear decision and stick to that decision in order to establish myself as a stable and reliable part of this reality.

The most prominent decision would be to like only the content that I actually processed and actually liked. But there is also the argument that it is best to like every Destonian content simply because we should give each other maximum support possible due to pressing the like button is not such physically hard or time consuming and you assist others for their content to receive better ranking and exposure. Bernard in some video explained that "not liking something is always point of ego, since what is best for all is not debatable". Until we establish the equal system, it is best to use all possible support options in order to promote equality and follow the Desteni instructions since I am not able to clearly see what is best for all at this stage.

So I am going to like YouTube videos, Desteni process blogs and FaceBook posts from the starting point of supporting fellow Destonians to get better ranking and exposure and thus promoting equality system with best effect possible. So my action of liking some Destonian content will not indicate that I actually processed the content. I might have done so, but I also might have not. The only indication that I actually processed the content will be by comment. I am going to post the comment, at least the word "Watched" if the content would not bring any strong point on the surface, and I will comment more extensively on the videos and blogs that I find very relevant and supporting regarding the points in my process. This is how the Desteni instructions are and if someone will think that I actually processed every liked content, then the wrong impression will exist until someone explain what our agreements are. However I will continue to use the like function as it was intended to be used by their creators for the content of Non-Destonians.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress the points and moving forward without stopping and clearing the points and thus producing friction and energy that is harming my physical body and time-looping, instead of realizing that I can not escape from facing and defusing every single point of accepted and allowed belief that is not aligned with the principle of equality and what is best for all.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label as liked only the content that my mind likes, and not what is agreed that is best for all, instead of realizing that my mind is a one-dimensional trap and that beauty and attraction of perceived harmony due to alignment with the Golden Rule and Fibonacci Sequence are only the deceptive bars of the mind-consciousness prison.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to assume that the actions of others mean certain thing, instead of making the connection with the relevant person and actually finding out what is really going on by asking the direct question.

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2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube continued

I was surprised how many points popped-up when I started to write about my suppressed reaction regarding YouTube. I learned that only while writing, one is able to slow the mind enough to effectively expose all the secret mind. This has been especially clearly shown while walking the first SRAT mind construct with assistance of Andrea. I have become overwhelmed with the amount of points and information that is to be dealt with. The way I learned to do things in my life is very perfectionistic and this is easier to achieve in regards to physical word than walking some tangible unconscious mind networks. What blows my mind away is also the responsibility for everything that exists in this world. I feel like I am over capacity and this also results in occasional strong vertigo. As I would like to see myself with the mind unplugged, the thoughts constantly run thought my head and the breathing is not effective. I somehow need to find the balance in my life in order my head not to explode from all the  information.

Now back to the point about my recent YouTube emotional reaction. I reacted the moment when I became aware that I did not click the "I like it" button on the several videos that I just watched. I became angry about myself, since now I would have to suffer the labour of reopening all the already closed videos. This is in fact a very little job to do, but I want to be as effective in my life as possible and I became mad when I am not excelling at every point. A see the origin in this kind of perfectionism in my father, who pushed me extensively for many year when I was working at pre-press department of our graphic company. I already wrote about this point, but I seems that it has rooted so deep that I will have to defuse it over and over again until it is finally completely defused.

1. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry at myself when I noticed that I forgot to like some YouTube videos, going into my mind and projecting my personality of perfectionistic guy that does not make any mistakes, instead of breathing, remaining here and taking the necessary steps without any emotional reaction.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing myself to live the personality of perfectionistic guy, since there is no such thing as perfection, everything in this reality is relative, and every definition is purely the result of one point connecting with other point.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that I am better than others since I have copied all the positive moral principles from my parents and gained extensive mind knowledge, instead of realizing that all the mind knowledge is useless, that nothing that I learned is valid, since the reality is always here, changing, and it exists beyond the comprehension of the limited mind.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing myself to project myself into the future, imagining what everything I will need to do to solve this reality, going into my mind and allowing my life anergy to become drained out, feeling exhausted and having to rest, instead of remaining here, breathing effectively and walking one point after another.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I need to rescue this existence, imagining how I will go into politics, becoming the president of our country, and then giving up, imagining that collaboration with other people would be to much to handle, instead of allowing myself to walk step by step and facing every situation and anyone if face here in the moment of actual contact.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be afraid of other peoples support, holding to an idea that I am perfect, that I do not need support, and defining any support as attack to my already established perfection, instead of realizing that I am in deep mind-fuck, deceiving myself extensively and running away from actually facing myself.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing myself to check the length of my blog post and counting the number of self-forgiveness, comparing the length of my blog post to blog posts of others and thinking about finishing with this blog, instead of allowing myself to continue writing with any secret-mind thought that pops-up.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing myself to become angry about myself when counting the number of self-forgiveness lines and concluding that I need to write some more lines since I compared the number of lines with number of lines at blogs of some other Desteni members, feeling that I am underachiever and that I need to push myself more, instead of realizing that whatever number of lines I write in this blog is cool, since they are the result of my current ability to face myself and I should not allow myself for any opinion of others regarding this point to influence me emotionally in any way whatsoever.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing myself to copy the behavior pattern of my father of being a loner, self-dependent person, living and working alone and not allowing myself to collaborate with others effectively, instead of realizing that separation is the root of all evil in this world, and that we can only exist if we support each other and exchange our insight fully and openly.
   
   
10. I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that life is about achieving goals, setting and reaching one goal after another and becoming depressed, instead of realizing that life is never ending story that can be lived only by being fully present here and taking one point after another, considering what is best for all and supporting every single living being equally.

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2010 - Defusing reactions regarding YouTube

I am continuing with defusing the small points of suppressed reactions that instantly manifest as pinching itching points on my skin around genitals. The most recent reactions I experienced a few moments ago was after I watched several ITD videos and I did comment them as "Watched" in order for Desteni administration to follow my progress and I also noted the channel and video names and links to my "Record of participation" Google Docs Spreadsheet in order to inform others about my progress and to be able to check if I already watched certain video, however I forgot to click the "I Like it" button on the videos I just watched.

I always make sure that I note the video channel and title name and URL and make at least the "Watched" comment and click the "I like button" in order to support myself and others as instructed, but this time I forgot to press the "I like button". I usually watch the videos as a batch, so firstly I collect the links of the videos to watch. In this occasion the links were the part of ITD course PDF, so I clicked all the links for every single video to open in the separate tab in my Chrome web browser. Then I would quickly click the tabs and click on the videos in order to stop the auto play of the videos. Next I would copy and paste the channel names and video titles and URLs and paste them into the spreadsheet. After that I would comment all videos as "Watched". I usually never just watch the videos since this would be for me too much waste of time. So I pick something to do that does not need my hearing or mental attention, like washing dishes, ironing the laundry or eating a meal. Then I start to play the first video, close the tab after finish and play the next video, until every opened video has been played to the finish.

I usually also click the "I like it" button somewhere in the stage between opening the video and closing the video browser tab, but sometimes I forget. This is due to not fully understanding what functions of the YouTube are triggered when the "I like it" button is pressed. I understand that it helps to rang the video higher and I also read somewhere that the video you like is displayed somewhere in some list so other can also watch the videos you liked, but I did not made the effort yet to check what actual and full consequence of pressing the "I Like it" button is. I did not care to research since I believed that this function does not play a major role and would not contribute drastically at my Desteni process of self-realization. I just continued to walk in the blind regarding this point which is totally based on ignorance, laziness and not taking full self-responsibility. I am afraid that finding out what this function means would result in larger knowledge and thus larger responsibility and that I would then have to use this function more regularly and would thus result in having to spend even more time to do what I have to do, and I am already short with time.

But really, this is just bullshit. I have been pressing the "I like it" button so far almost always and only in some occasions I forgot to do so. What could possible change if I would take the time and research the full functionality of liking some video? It is simply laziness, since I like watching the videos and I find reading the text much more harder. So I simply did not want to read the text. In is not specifically connected to what the text is about, I just prefer watching the videos over reading the text. I also procrastinate reading other texts, like SRA and ITD PDFs because I need to be still and focus my eyesight and decipher what the character symbols stand for in order to understand the message. And listening is so much easier, message is delivered with much less effort and I can also do other stuff and move my body in between.

The other point that prevented me from researching the full functionality of liking the video is that the relevant information is sometimes hard to find. Like I wanted to search for the info about the latest YouTube upload video length and file size limit and there were no relevant hits when I searched the dedicated YouTube help and forum section. Only after I Googled the question, some results popped-up and I had to eliminate the out-of-date ones in order to get the wanted information. And at the end the information was not official and I could not trust it, so I was disappointed. Even official YouTube disclaimer when you upload the video only displays something like "Now you can upload videos that are more than 15 minutes in length" and it does not say anything about what are the actual restrictions. Even the information that I Googled out was more detailed, specifying that the only limit now is the file size. And I did not even make the effort to remember or note that number since I found it so large, something like 2 GB and the videos that I am shooting are much smaller so I did not find it crucial to remember this info, also due to constant change of the YouTube system limitations.

So due to the frustrating experience of YouTube user support being so ineffective, I projected my fear also onto point regarding "I like it" button and I did not want to make an effort in order to check if there is possibly any easier-to-reach information regarding this function. This kind of projections are unacceptable and illusional. I need to stop projecting my past experiences into this moment, removing my laziness and move myself without any excuse when some point appears in order to solve the point instantly. Otherwise the point will pile-up, I will time-loop and make my process much longer then necessary.

Now at this moment of writing the blog, I am starting to experiencing pain, since I have been lying on the back on the sofa and typing this blog post for almost an hour and the weight of my body is pressing on the sofa due to gravitation and squeezing the muscles to the point where the pain has become unbearable. I need to move and change the body position in order to release the pain. And this is also one of the big points that prevents me from blogging more. Typing for hours is so uncomfortable and painful, and it sucks extensively. Sometimes I wish I could fly, become weightless and move more freely, also through the walls. This would be great. Like a ghost. Thus I wonder how it would be if I die, also wishing to die and experience myself without the constant bonds of earths gravity. While watching interdimensional interviews I wonder how dimensional being are experiencing themselves. However since I heard that the earth plane is the only place that enables ones full self-expression, I understand that I am to be at the end very grateful for this experience, since where time and space does not exist, I can not imagine how I would experience myself or if here-after is even more fucked-up experience as here on earth. So I am finishing with writing this blog post and I will continue in the next one.
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2010 - The emotional December girl

The girl who I met online one month ago payed me a visit this Wednesday. She came with the bus and I picked her on the bus station and then we went to my place. This was the firs girl I dated that was older than me, and she had I lot of concerns regarding this, expressing thoughts that we are not meant to be together since I probably want some much younger girl. But more than difference in years, the point that I found unacceptable was that she did not want to release her strong emotional mind patterns. Right after she saw my online profile, she started to SMS me extensively, writing how sweet and adorable I am and how she is dying from desire to hug and touch me. I have never met anyone who would be such a great fun of me and this definitely felt very good.

After we had a chat over large cup of tea, I prepared my home movie theatre and we watched a comedy movie which I borrowed from the library. Actually it was I that watched the movie, since she soon started to watch and admire my face. Since I already watched that movie once, I asked her if she would rather do something else. So she gave me the massage and it was very passionate and intense and she trembled from excitement while massaging me. Then I also offered to give her the massage but she felt too ashamed to remove her clothes. So I gave her the back massage with her shirt on. Then we lied down and started hugging and kissing, and soon she got hot and also removed her clothes slowly. We got intimate and it was very nice experience. We got intimate again when we went to bed and also in the morning while waking up. Than we had a breakfast, I finished some work on the computer and then I drove her to the city bus station where she took the bus to her home place.

In the following days she continued to SMS me, telling me that she had such a great time and that she has fallen in love with me. While she was at my place, we had a chat about thoughts, feelings and emotions and that what I am looking for is an agreement where we would support each other as one and equal at the process of self-realization. But she is not willing to forgive her feelings and is very stubborn at holding to her mind patterns and playing the role of caring mother, full of tender feeling, treating me as a teddy bear toy, projecting onto me the fantasies that are not real. While I felt like a star with her playing the role of my fanatic fan, this kind of relationship is in long term very unhealthy. So every time she calls me, I speak to her the self-forgiveness in her name, regarding the feelings that she is trying to impose in order to show her accepted and allowed self-deception. I also suggested her to star writing her own blog to align herself with the principle of equality, since her definition of me as being something more is unacceptable.

In the past several days I have been watching the rest of the movies that I rented in the public library. I don't know if this was due to transfer of some system during sex with the girl, or was it due to the start of the holiday season, or was it just because the act was so good, but when I watched the movie Ladder 49, with the pictures scenes of burning houses and brave firefighting, I became very emotional and I cried when I watched the funeral of deceased firefighter. The same pattern repeated when I next watched some other romantic movies. This in unacceptable and some self-forgiveness is needed to be done immediately regarding this point.

1. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become emotional, since emotions are the energy, produced by friction between the reality and my projected definitions of reality being something more than what it really is.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being emotional is what makes us human and forgetting that when the energy of emotion is possessing us, we tend to hurt ourselves and others with the excuse of being emotional.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a robot, letting emotions to blind and direct me to act in unreasonable ways, instead of taking full responsibility of my actions and directing myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have special feeling towards someone and thus producing inequality in this reality, since all parts of the existence are one and equal to each other, the reality can only exist is perfect balance by treating every single being as equal to any other being in every single moment of every breath.
   
   
5. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to buy the illusion of the movies and copy the behavior of the actors, believing that copying the behavior of others will help me to survive more effectively in this world, instead of realizing that Hollywood movies are deliberately produced in the way to manipulate and intensify human emotional reactions with the starting point of extracting as much money from the people as possible.
   
   
6. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is real is only this physical reality and whenever I tend to emotionally react, I go into my illusional mind that is created with the intend to trap me and suck my life energy until I drop dead.
   
   
7. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for energy to distract my attention from what is really here, since the energy is not life, it is the product of friction between two opposite poles, and I can not allow energy to exist anymore, since the existence can not have the opposite pole and thus every single opposition of life has to be removed.
   
   
8. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think instead of live, no thought is acceptable since it is based of projection of the memory into this present moment and since the present is constantly changing, no thought is valid and is thus the manifestation of lie, deception and illusion.
   
   
9. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in my mind, since when I got to my mind, I am not here living, I am escaping to the place which is the alternative reality, and there can exist only one reality which is physical, in order all to co-exist as equals and collaborate and support each others effectively.

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2010 - Girlfriend relationship mind construct

I have been living alone in my apartment for past 10 years, had some girlfriends for a period of couple of months, but no long term relationships since my ex-girlfriend left me after 3 years of living together. Several years ago I have created my profile in the most popular Slovenian dating web page and purchased life time membership. I would like to be in agreement with someone but I have a very high standards in regards how the persons physical appearance and mentality should be. In my profile I have stated clearly what I stand for. I check the dating site from time to time if someone is interested in me, and I open a public chat application from time to time in order to be available if someone would like to chat with me. I am disappointed since others have included almost none information about themselves and just a few have included their picture, so finding the right person is very difficult. I have found a few years ago a very effective international online dating web site eHarmony witch uses automatic multi-dimensional matching. The system is based on deep research of the couples who have been in successful long-term relationships and it has the highest rate of matching that result in happy marriages. I have also created my own profile there in order to check what is new, but I do not know how many people from Slovenia have their profiles there, since I have so far been matched only with women abroad. This dating service has also much higher price and since my credit card is currently blocked I have not been able to by a membership that makes sending personal messages available.

I few weeks ago, I have made a connection with some girl via Slovenian dating site, we exchanged contact information, became FaceBook friends and she has been calling me on the phone almost every day since then. She is several years alder than me, is divorced and is living with her divorced father and her 19 years old son in the other part of our country. They are living in the hills, since her parent lived in the forests due to her father working as a logger. She has been working in some factory, but has lost her job recently and has no car on internet connection at her home. I like phone conversations with her, since she is very impressed about what I stand for and she thinks I am beautiful, cute, adorable and sweet. She is very persistent in calling me since she likes what I have to say and also because she is a bit bored. She told me that people like me are very rare and that I am very special. She also told me, how she fantasizes about me, but is afraid that we are not meant to be together since she is older than me and that I would probably leave her for a younger and prettier girl if we would start dating. She has found a new job a few days ago and would like to come for a visit in a week or two with a train, after she gets her first salary. I like her voice and her face, her honesty and generosity, but I would in deed prefer to be with someone who is a bit younger, more skilled in computers and with more stable financial background.

The way I imagine the agreement is two people walking and supporting each other as equals. So I would like someone who is enough intelligent, common-sensical, skilled in using computers, honest, open, and who is standing up for the principles of oneness and equality. Having a family or kinds is not the primary point for me, since I want both of us to actively contribute to make this world a better place. I love sex, but I see it more like a temptation and distraction from things that really matter in this world. Since I have become quite addicted to sex due to watching porn and masturbating regularly in past years, I see living together with some girl as increased temptation for having sex and thus wasting the time and energy for activities that are just distractions. I perceive relationships also as a waste of time and seeking for troubles due to both of us having to share the same space, home resources, having different point of view, desires, expectations, and thus producing conflict. As agreements are to be the opportunity to face yourself due to observing your reaction in relation to your partner, living alone has been preferred way of moving myself in this reality. There are still many other opportunities where I meet other people and check my reactions, so having an agreement is not necessary in order to walk my process.

The decision to live alone is also connected to the personality and family survival pattern that I have accepted and allowed. Since being the oldest son, my parents expected to be more serious, responsible, wise, capable, intelligent and a role-model that they would be able to be proud of. And my younger brother picked the fun, social, cute, naughty and emotional personality in order to get the necessary attention from our parents. Thus he is already married and has two daughter that my parents are proud of. I have been raised as a hard-working and obeying nice guy, who has been supported by parents only if I have done exactly what my parents thought is the best for me to do and have been thus programmed to be constantly available and ready in order to respond immediately whenever they wanted me to do something. My father is afraid of using computers so he has been relying on my skills in order to use the information technology in support of his projects. This is why I felt good working for him and also why he has been in a way jealous and angry at me when working with computers. So living alone is giving me a possibility to be in constant standby mode in order to react immediately whenever my father or any other customer would require my services.

And the influence of my mother, who committed suicide one year ago, has been in developing the feeling of being protected and taken care of, since she was always thinking how to support me financially and with food in order to get my own apartment, car and to eat whenever I would come to visit. Thus I learned not to move myself effectively and become self-responsible, since what I needed to do in order to survive is only to listen and support my parents and allow them to support me as they perceived would be best way. Parents have taught me that the best way to survive in this system is to have a steady income, to give the best services possible, to be proud of what I do, not to shame any family member, to mind my own business, and try not to change others or this system, since I need just to take care of yourself and the people in distress are responsible for themselves. Becoming good, successful and obedient part of society is what I need to do, so I should leave all my efforts for changing this world. I have been programmed extensively in order to be part of this system and not to produce any friction. So by being involved in some new age groups, I have been labeled as odd, troublemaker and especially my brother has been acting very spiteful towards me in past several years.

Since working with computer in our graphic family company, and not allowed to speak back for many years, I have developed introverted personality, escaping and living in my mind, entertaining myself by watching TV, I have separated myself from the physical extensively. Imagination, fantasy and future projection has become a large part of my life. My past relationships have been based on expectations, ideals and moral principles, and thus resulted in emotions of disappointment and anger. The fear from experiencing the same mistakes again is also the reason why I am literally driving the girls away, setting high standards and being very demanding in regards to female looks and mentality. This has been my preventive defense attack in order to make sure that I will not experience any troubles with the partner in the future. However this is quite delusional, since there is no such person that would suit my demands that are clearly based on past-projections, fear and self-interest. I am not allowing myself the opportunity to walk an agreement breath by breath here and facing point by point as equal and one. By running away from the agreements in order to escape from any unpleasant experiences, I am not allowing to experience also many pleasant moments that are also part of any agreement. So to continue living alone or to accept any agreement, this is the question.

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ex-girlfriend for leaving me, since I am equally responsible for that event due to not accepting her as one and equal and walking with her breath by breath. My relationship with her was based on my ideals and expectations of how relationships should be, based on the accepted family and media programming and were thus not real but purely delusional.
   
   
2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a picture of how someone should look and think, what age she should be, how much money she should earn and how her computers skills should be in order to be acceptable to walk with me in a agreement.
   
   
3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by other peoples opinion about how they find my looks. The best for me is to remain stable inside regardless of what others think of me and to direct myself towards what is best for all.
   
   
4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the support of my parents, becoming lazy and waiting for them to solve my problems, instead of directing myself effectively and constantly towards what is best for all.
   
   
5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I worked for my father and allowed him to be proud of me, instead of doing everything as self-expression and removing all emotional attachments from my creations.
   
   
6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by my family members and stopping to move myself towards what is best for all, accepting their projection of fear and self-interest, instead of breathing, remaining here and sticking to the principle of oneness and equality.
   
   
7. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the personality and social programming from my family and society and supporting this system of abuse, competition, war and starvation, instead of standing up for the principles of oneness and equality and becoming the living example of how to transform this system to support all living beings equally.
   
   
8. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in my mind, thinking that I am able to escape from this reality, instead of standing up, facing every single event unconditionally as life and walking breath by breath until heaven on earth is fully manifested.
   
   
9. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to move me, enjoying life in my cosy apartment, not caring for other, minding my own business and doing nothing, instead of understanding that I am equally responsible for everything in this world and standing up for a real practical change.
   
   
10. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define females just as a sex objects, walking vaginas and substitutes for masturbation in order to experience orgasm, instead of accepting them as life as one and equal with me and walking with them breath by breath without any expectations or self-interest and directing both of us towards equality.

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2010 - Masturbation point research

I masturbated again. It was 2:30am and I was reading the SRAT Lesson 29. I was to have a chat with Andrea the next day at 7:47am and I had to read the other half of the Lesson 29 and the whole Lesson 30 and to the exercises. The time was running out and I wondered how many hours of time should I reserve in order to be able to read all the text and to the exercises. I started do yawn, I was falling asleep and I started to play with my penis in order to entertain myself. I was still under the impression of the words of the girl with whom I had a chat with today, since she is really a master of seduction, using the words that trigger my sexual system. Her words were running through my mind and the pictures of how sex with her might be started to appear. My penis started to become erect more and more and I did not like this automatic unconscious reaction. I started to speak out loud in Slovene language the self-forgiveness on the masturbation points like:

1. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on the thoughts of the girl that I have had I chat with, since the memories are illusion and only what is here is in fact reality.
   
   
2. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and project images of sexual intercourse with the woman, since pictures in the mind are illusion and not real.
   
   
3. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuel my mind with the energy of orgasm and thus fueling the system that is going to produce even more thought and fuck me even deeper in the future.

But none of this self-forgiveness was sufficient. While holding and stroking the head of my penis, the sweet taste has been produced in my mouth and I wanted some more. I continued with strokes and increased the frequency and intensity of strokes until I would experience the buildup of energy in the genital region that expanded through my whole body when I came to orgasm and ejaculation.

After orgasm I felt bad since I failed to stick to my decision to replace the genital orgasm with the breathe orgasm. I decided to immediately write this post while the memories of the thoughts that pulled me into this actions were still fresh. When I asked myself why was I not able to stop, the following points emerged:

1. I am not fully aware of the consequences of genital orgasm in relation to enslavement of mind-consciousness system.
   
   
2. I have recently read that Desteni is supporting orgasm, but only in the form of self-expression. Since Desteni is not agains it, I have picked this as justification to continue with it.
   
   
3. I am considering the orgasm as I gift to myself, I form of award, a treat, in order to give myself a nice feeling after days of suffering unpleasant physical conditions in order to do what I have to do to get the money.

I have to do more writing in order to defuse more the points, related to sex system. I wonder if living alone is resulting in suppressing these points and if it would be more supportive to decide for and agreement and release these points while practicing sex. Since now if I see a female, from very young to middle age, the sexual thoughts and pictures are triggered intensively and I do not want to be possessed with them anymore. 

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