Day 138: Home remedy for cold feet

This is the first blog post related to my initial post titled The cause for cold legs. Contrary to popular home remedies for cold feet where one can assist oneself temporarily with some physical intervention, I will be talking here about psychological causes and permanent solution for cold feet that everyone can effectively apply also at home. Because it has been indicated that cold feet is usually the physically manifested consequence of events from the past when one has separated itself from self. For detailed context please read my previous blog post since here I will be focusing on the next step which is analysis and deconstruction of the first event in my past that I feel is related to the condition of me having cold feet and legs for over a decade. And the the first event that I can remember in relation to self-judgement is being physically punished by my parents in early years of my childhood.

In the initial years of my life I have been living with my parents and my younger bother in a two storey apartment building with four apartments. I have shared one medium sized room with my brother and he has was sleeping on the upper deck of our bunk bed. I do not remember much about what my brother and I were doing in the first 10 years of my life, but I do very much remember a specific punishment that my father applied when I have obviously done something wrong. The punishment was to kneel for quite a long period of time in our doorway after my father would layer some rice on the floor in order for the pain on my knee to be much grater that pressing just agains a flat ground. I would have to keep my body straight up and my hands on the back. I would stay in such position crying until my mother would be able to convince my father that I have suffered enough.

What is strange is that I do not remember details of any event that lead to consequence of me being punished in such way. I however do remember my parents telling me about two occasions where I did significant damage to the apartment. One was due to throwing some heavy objects at my brother that resulted in shattered window glass while we were chasing each other around the flat. And one was by me flooding the bathroom in order to create a sea like environment to play with my brother. However I think I was punished by kneeing for much lesser offences like doing something to my brother where he would then tell on to our father and he then decided to discipline me in described way. The bottom line is that I have been outraged at my father using such cruel punishment. And he also used to spank me very hard with his belt in other occasions. I had thoughts like: “Parents should never hurt their children!” and “How come that my father is not able to find any other way od raising me that using brute force?”. Thus I developed a resentment and anger towards my father and started to feeling sorry for myself, creating a self-victimisation character for myself and thus separating me from myself.

However any of such emotional reactions is a representations of abdicating self-responsibility for playing own part in the timeline of events. And not remembering what I have done and what I could done different in order for the consequences to be different is a convenient excuse for me not wanting to take full self-responsibility for my own life. Because every moment that we participate in becomes part of ourselves and creates a memory that we are able to access if we only decide to. This does not mean that we must now instantly recall every single moment from the start of our existence to current moment, however it is important that we make sure to remember with what kind of thoughts, emotions, words and physical actions we have participated in the most traumatic past event for which we solely blame something or someone out of ourself while claiming absolute innocence of self. Thus I will now take back my self-responsibility and pick parts of myself that I have separated myself from by analysing my past memories connected to being painfully punished by my father. I will be applying tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrections as taught in the excellent free online course DIP Lite that I recommend also to everyone else:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use forgetfulness as convenient excuse to abdicate my responsibility for what I have done in the past and to claim innocence for everything that I am not able to remember. I realise that I am fully responsible for every thought, emotions, word and deed that originated from myself and that if I have forgot about them in the later stage, I am still responsible for the consequences that have manifested based on my involvement in past events. Thus I commit myself to look into myself where all memories of my past are stored and to take back my power of creation to fully embrace all dimensions of the past events where I have played my role as co-creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the events in my past only through eyes of self-interest where I have believed that no matter what I do, no one has right to harm me in any way, especially my parents. I realise that I have also harmed others, especially my brother however I have abdicated responsibility for my action by claiming that I have just been playing and that any my action during the play should not be taken seriously and I should not be hold accountable for the results of the play. I commit myself to look at the memories of my actions during play time and take full responsibility for every single of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tease my brother and seek his attention and to in a similar way also seek attention from my parents in order to experience positive feelings of being accepted. I realise that I have acted from a point of self-interest where I have just wanted to have fun while completely disregarding other individuals around me and their personal interest. I commit myself to when and as I have desire to entertain myself and have fun, not to jump carelessly on other but to also see and understand their current state of the mind, their willingness to play and to interact with them in such a way that they do not feel unpleasant or even feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to understand that my father had used force and pain to discipline me only in occasions where I did not want to listen to his preceding verbal warnings where I had the opportunity to stop myself, however I did not. I realise that my father decided to physically hurt me only when he exhausted all other ways of trying to communicate with me in a nice and pleasant way. I commit myself to always respond to first attempt of someone trying to communicate with me and to also understand their point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my father as violent tyrant that has without any reason decided to inflict pain on me instead of realising that he has purely responded to me behaving as careless individual where I have created damage and pain for my brother and my parents. I commit myself to fully understand and accept my father and his responses while playing a role of my parent since he has done all in his power to be the best father for me and my brother, considering all the limitations that he also accepted and allowed during his childhood and later years. I am thus greatly thankful to my father for all the care that he expressed by being more that good provider for our whole family.

In relation to this blog post, I also recommend listening to educational audio titled Growing Apart from the Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race series at Eqafe web store and engaging in DIP Lite free online course where you will learn how to become a master of self-analysis and true healing.

Day 137: The cause for cold legs

I have had cold legs and feet for many years. I do not know exactly how long ago this cold legs syndrome became part of my life but it appeared around 10 years ago when I was about 30 year of age. I remember visiting a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner for a treatment and he was surprised how cold and dripping wet my legs were. I also had massive back pain at that time. I received a cupping treatment and a leg massage and I have been prescribed a special tea to drink. I also visited an Ayurvedic doctor that checked my ayes, tongue and pulse and gave me a back massage with a stick, she sticked acupressure balls to my auricle, prescribed a regular Abhyanga fully body self massage with warm oil and I was suggested a regular participation at her Yoga classes. I assisted myself also with purchasing a electric heating pad for under my feet while I was sitting at my office desk. And at that time I experimented with acupressure foot massage, and started to take barefoot walks and hikes in nature and took warm leg baths occasionally. The cold legs situation might have decreased slightly but it never went away and I am again experiencing cold legs to such a level that it strongly distracts me from my tasks, especially during working for many hours with my computer while sitting on the chair behind my home office desk. So I started to research in depth what might be the real cause for my cold legs and what would be the effective cure for that.

Around 6 years ago I stumbled on Desteni group that amazed me with detailed description of the cause for current situation in this world, including the state of humanity. They also assist with explaining about the cause for illnesses and diseases and most of such knowledge is accessible in form of audio recordings at Eqafe web site. The closest explanation that I found was the 3 part audio series about the Restless Legs Syndrome. But since my legs were not restless but cold, I needed to find more specific explanation. Luckily at Desteni they are also training a New Kinesiology practitioners that are able to connect and look at the situation of your own physical body also at long distance. So I arranged a session with such practitioner and she pinpointed two primary points that contributed to my cold legs condition.

It tested out that the first point was the projection towards myself. I must have experienced some desire or fear about 5 years ago and projected it in my mind onto another person or the future or a thing in my environment. I must have seen something happened to somebody else and I interlaced the fear onto myself. My mind then created a connection - saying: “This will become me or might become me”. Within my personality design it uses fear at specific points in time to compound experiences. So even though the cold feet has been part o my mind-physical relationship for more than 20 years, the reason why it tested as 5 years ago is that it is showing predominant personality design but the fear aspect of it solidified entire design into quantum physical state of existence. It is a multi faceted dimension that goes beyond just the physical symptoms of cold legs and feet. So it is not that it happened 5 years ago but that a memory from that time pertaining to this design is what I am to look at.

The first memory that I proposed was an event where ex boyfriends of my last ex girlfriend called me on the phone and announced that he is about to get in his car, come to my place, kiss me on my cheek and put a bullet through my forehead. It was the most intense life threatening situation that I can remember. However the practitioner tested this and said that is not the relevant memory. I am to look at a memory where I came face to face with seeing myself and said: “Oh god, is that who I have became?”. It must be something that I can relate in the last few years of having some judgement in a moment where I did not like what I saw within me in some way from a perspective of me as a person or a personality. The next memory that came up within me was that I spend all the money from selling of my apartment and not managed to establish a business that would generate a reliable and steady income for me. Practitioner tested again and said that the relevant memory is not about money but a point where I looked myself as a person, as my personality: “Valentin”.

Then I suggested a memory of my decision after I have for the first time established my own business to rather work alone than employ other people. The practitioner said that this is one aspect of it as me “Valentin” as self provider and worker and contributor but that there are other aspects as well. I am to look at my entire personality as who I am as a partner, a friend to others, as my thoughts, as I saw myself when I was alone. It is a situation where we don't even know if we like ourselves, when one knows the truth of yourselves, our fears and thoughts and desires and we don't like what we see. And then when I was to look myself like this a shift had to happen where for a moment I did not like what I saw. What the mind then did was to create this into a self-judgement where I separated away from myself based on that dislike of self. Where the fear came in is where my mind firstly used my personality design that came from my father which is difficulty to accept self and difficulty with the unification and acceptance of all parts of self. So it is to be a personality design that came from my father's side as being very strict and stringent with self and in the mind holding onto the judgements of self and moving farther away from real intimacy with self.

I then looked at myself and said that generally I do not like what I do, not knowing who I am, how the existence functions, all the lacking bricks in the wall, not knowing what is true and thus not having a solid ground for my decisions and thus also consequences of my decisions were not as what I expected. Finally practitioner confirmed that this is the primary cold leg design which originates from the experience of separation of self. She explained that what the mind did when I was more like early teens is that it developed onto this platform personality and it started developing my self view and relationships with other people and money based on this uncomfortability with self as a basic foundation personality. Then what it did as one example of a projected fear is that it would use thoughts such as: “Oh no look at this thing I did wrong.” or: “Look at the way I look or why did I do that wrong.” and it charged it with fear energy and compounds that one thought towards self and projected it deep into the mind as a concrete self view. For example I might not even be that consciously aware of what I am saying because these fears have been more solidified into the deeper quantum layers of the mind and then into the quantum physical.

So when my legs and feet are cold and distant, what I am accessing are the residual personality effects which will at times get worse depending on how my self views and fears are personified. For example if one day I have a thought such as: “Valentin why cant you just get that right!” then the mind charges that thought with its energy and connects it into the personality design of: “Distance with self”. When this happens it would be very useful to look at the week or few days before it happened to see what subtle thoughts and experiences and judgments and self fear points did I participate in or experienced. Even if it is just one small very fast moving thought like fast judgment in a moment like: “Come on Valentin, just work harder man!” it will move fast. What is happening is a very big process in the background where the mind charges the personality design with that thought and this in effect exists equally inside the physical in the legs and feet as the physical location of that mind system.

Thus I am to look at who I am in relation to myself, which is relationship with self based on this design of separation from self. Because what is important to grasp here is that firstly a personality genetic design exists. This design creates thoughts and feelings and experiences to create separation from self. To work with it I am to acknowledge that this is a part of my primary personality. How it fuels itself in micro moments with thoughts and fear about myself into the personality. So I will work with writing out firstly how the personality design looks like and how it works as this is necessary to defuse the system. And the next part is to catch the thoughts and experiences that I have fed into the personality. Because usually these big personality designs, even if we understand them, they are more difficult and take years to defuse as one stops participating in it. What practitioner suggested was for me to see if I can look at what she described as this personality design of separation from self into my own words. Then I am to send my writing to her and she will add the information and assist with understanding as it is not always easy to see it fully.

In the following posts of this blog I plan to face and defuse this cold legs design. If anyone else is also struggling with cold legs and feet, I suggest to read my next posts about that. And if anyone is looking for a personal assistance about their cold legs design or any other health, relationship and similar issue, they are invited to connect with Desteni and their New Kinesiology practitioners by firstly introducing themselves at Desteni Forum.

Day 136: Tolerating my mind

Recently I listened one of the latest interview from awesome Eqafe online information resource titled Tolerating Your Mind that is part of The Crucification of Jesus series. Then I also received a demand that I need to produce at least 4 blogs or vlogs in English language in order to qualify for Desteni I Process course sponsorship. I managed to produce about 4 vlogs per month in the previous months but they were all in Slovenian language that they are not able to cross reference. This created a backchat like: “How will I able to manage to produce also 4 blogs and vlogs in English language besides content that I produce in Slovenian language?” and “If I will manage to produce only 4 blogs and vlogs in English language, would it not be a great loss to people who understand only Slovenian language since I am one of the rare individuals in Slovenia who produces Desteni related content in native language?”. And my existing backchats are: “How much of public content should I produce in addition to all the private writing within the DIP course assignment that I need to do?“ and ”Where will I get time to walk additional process for the points that are not part of my current DIP course assignments and are too sensitive to share them in the public?”.

Within the Tolerating Your Mind interview it was exposed how many that walk Desteni process do not do sufficient blogging and vlogging. And since some of us, including me, are walking the process already for many years, it is expected from us to be an example and walk the process even more effectively than those who are newcomers. So even if we do equal amount of the process that the newcomers, we are actually doing less than others. And I agree that we should be involved more in practically walking the points and sharing precious information and tools to others with greater results. I was reminded before about my point of only hoarding the information for myself but not giving forward to others enough. And this brings me to the question of why is that? Is it only the lack of time or are there some personal points that makes me feel uncomfortable when being in the limelight? From the process that I have done in the past, I can say that it surely is more the latter and that it is thus important to walk the points of self-judgement and fear that are part of my assignment within the Agreements - Redefining Relationships that I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tolerate my mind as it is something benevolent that only occasionally creates emotional reactions. I realise that there are many deep mind layers that prevent me from activating many potentials that are within me. I commit myself to when and as my mind produces backchats like: “You do not need to blog and vlog anymore since you have already achieved the quantum phase of the process!” to understand the fact that I have not walked fully even the conscious layer of the mind. Thus when such thoughts emerge, I stop and breathe and commit myself to do much more writing in order to speed up my personal process of transforming mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stay in my comfort zone of my apartment where little to no patterns of mine are challenged and thus creating an illusion that if I almost never emotionally react that my process is close to being done. I realise that when I go out and meet new people, especially a big crowd, a get a lot of backchats and emotional reactions that make me uncomfortable in the public or when dealing with a specific individuals. I commit myself to when and as my mind create a backchat like: “It is enough to focus only or the law and money projects that will improve this world since you have achieved sufficient level of emotional stability!” to stop such thought by focusing on my breathing. I commit myself to continue with walking of my personal transformation process in order to consequently become also more effective with other projects that I am involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to manage my personal and group projects almost only by using my mind, believing that I will manage to analyse, organise all execute all tasks simply by thinking, and discarding tools of speaking and writing. I realise that practical results show the contrary of what I think as I ofter am in state of overwhelmingness and using entertainment like watching movies, eating, sleeping and masturbation to relax myself and escape from such overthinking. I commit myself to when and as my mind would produce backchat like: “Why bother to waste time by writing since mind is much faster and you could solve more points in equal time only by thinking!” to disregard such claim as false and focus on my breath. I commit to reserve time where I would write my backchat in order to slowly and meticulously analyse it and come to realistic practical solutions of how I will visibly move forward. I also commit to do better planning, especially with use of tools as GTD - Getting Things Done methodology explains.

Day 135: Using kinesiology to identify mind patterns

Within our Desteni group there is now a cool support of two woman who mastered the new method of kinesiology by which it is possible to communicate with the physical body and get a feedback about the current challenges that someone if facing. So recently I had the first session with one of them due to my pain in the the lower back. What she tested out was firstly an archetype of engineer, which is someone who takes a concept and who then creates and works out schematics and designs that allow that concept to function and work in the way that it’s intended to, implying that in some area in my life within myself, I am embodying this definition.

A few positive expressions of the engineer are: (1) Wanting control over their environment so that they can manifest the plan and design and vision that they have in mind, thinking that their design is superior, (2) Believing self to be of superior intelligence, (3) Seeing other or most humans as emotional and irrational beings, (4) Seeing themselves as more stable and rational than others.

And the negative expressions are: (1) Dissociated from life by only seeing everything and everyone as cogs in a machine, (2) Lack of empathic skills, (3) Not hearing other beings by placing value onto their vision above all else, (4) Rigidness and inflexibility in thinking, (5) Not connecting with other people and beings, (6) Locked in intellect, (7) No sensitivity for nuanced social behaviour.

The point in my lower back, indicated that I am having positively charged backchat in relation to myself so positively charged backchat in relation to myself be like glorifying myself so now the issue that I am dealing with specifically is that I am having perceptions of the people around me which are creating internal conflict. I am to ask myself about the emotional conflict that I have been experiencing in relation to how I perceive the people around me in my immediate environment. Especially negative backchat about one specific person which is a negatively charged perception of that person which I then identified as my father. And then the positive backchat is in relation to myself and this a polarity is created. The issue is that I am essentially seeing an aspect of myself in my father that I don't really want to see or be honest about with myself which would be about the selfishness or being selfish. Thus the solution would be for me to look at where I am being selfish.

Another solution that tested out was to live a words care, direct and humility. Care seems pretty straightforward, indicating self-care, as in giving yourself the care that I am looking for from my father. Direct means to be direct with my father, meaning to be to the point when dealing with him, and not in the back of my mind, looking for support and care from him. So in other words, like taking the feelings or emotions out of the equation in my relationship with him.

Soon after my kinesiology session I started to apply some of the suggested change. So when I had a business Skype conversation with my father I was careful not to want to impress him or seek his attention and I simply asked him what he wants from me. I then focused on execution of what he required and when he after that engaged in some emotional discussion with me, I payed attention not to play his game anymore. I simply redirected his attention by asking him if there is something else that I am able to assist him. This approach worked as he calmed down and we ended a conversation for that day.

I am now also going to write some additional self forgiveness statements which will assist me in transcending my mind patterns:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire care and attention from my father. I realise that being dependant from others to care for me is creating a starting point of lack within me and constant requirement of seeking attention which is the exact word that my father is living. I commit myself that whenever I would communicate with others and my mind would produce thought that start to persuade me that I have to impress others I stop and breathe. I then change my communication with others from starting point of equality and awareness that I am the only thing that I need to be fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for being selfish. I realise that I have been blaming him for something that I also have been doing in my life. For example I am not accustomed to give tips to servers or to give gifts to others and I do not celebrate birthdays anymore. But if I look at my father, despite of mostly caring also for his self interest and doing things generally to get attention from others, he always gave me some more money than I requested and he made sure that me and my brother had our needs more that covered. So I commit myself to be more generous, to give more and not to be scared anymore that I will lack things as we are living in the world of great abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave like what I do is the best and that others must join me and follow my lead as my plan is perfect. I realise that others equally participate in co creation of this world and that they have their own ways of perceiving what is best and what path is optimal for them. When and as I communicate with others and my mind wants me to explain my perfect plans to them, I stop end breathe. I rather ask them what their current situation in life is, what are their challenges and how they plane to achieve their goal. I commit to only give them my perspective if they request for it or if I see that their plans have some mistake that would cause them or others big problems if not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others only as cogs in the machine. I realise that we all have our own baggage and that we all, including myself, have I lot of work to do before we stop acting as insensitive machines. I commit myself that whenever I meet other people and my mind would start analysing them and finding nothing but flaws, to stop and breathe. I then open myself and communicate with them in a relaxed and gentle way, have some fun and make sure that others feel comfortable in my surrounding. I decide to evolve my social life by going out, visit clubs, mingle and fit more in with the rest of the crowd.

If you want to learn more about the process of self realisation that will speed also the transformation of your life into something better, I invite you to sign up for DIP Lite course > http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 134: Correcting myself for the better future

In the past several weeks I have been experiencing increased resistance to read and write. Soon after I would start using computer and check email and social messages, I would start indulging in YouTube videos, mostly war related, especially with sniper or tank ingredient. Also when checking FaceBook timeline I would get distracted by news, especially about technological advancements in robotics and military equipment. This would increase anxiety and fear about the future where some are predicting the start of World War III in 2016 and Elon Musk is warning about development of artificial intelligence that will wipe out the whole humanity. With all the global video and internet surveillance I have become quite worried about the future of humanity. With all the information overflow I am asking myself if I should follow the technological development and risk of becoming introduced also to the possible negative effects that creates anxiety or if I should ignore all the news all together and enjoy the peace of my ignorant mind.

So in order to distract myself from worrying I watch action movies on YouTube, till midnight or even a bit longer. I want to to forget about the unpleasant reality of this world. This resulted in postponing my business tasks so unanswered emails and contacts that need to be digitized started to accumulate. Consequently also the money income became more compromised and that created even more anxiety. Thinking about what is solution to this problem I came to conclusion that it would be best for me not to follow all sort of social media posts since it is mostly negative and depressing. I have remove the fear of missing out something important. There is so many information out there and it is constantly being produced in more larger quantities every day. One simply can not keep peace of the mind if it is constantly bombarded with all sorts of news. Selection is needed in order to absorb only the programming that is supportive for the personal development.

What I have also not done in the past weeks is to support myself with writing. Sure I did a lot of vlog, one in Slovenian language each of the past 320 days and also one per week in English language. However I see that no tool can assist in calming the mind as effectively as writing. So I commit myself to write each day in order to become aware about what I am doing and to have the ability correct myself. My priorities will be development of my business projects that have also the effect of improving this world. So regardless of what will happen in the future, I will make best use of my available time here on Earth to make it into what is best for all. I will develop my personal skills, slow down and do what is necessary to make the projects happen. I have allowed myself too much to get easily distracted with all sorts of new ideas that my mind is constantly producing. I need to focus on one or very small number of projects and persist in pushing them forward until they will become fruitful. Whenever I experience unrest, anxiety, overwhelmingness, fear, worry or similar feeling, I commit myself to immediately start writing and supporting myself. Writing will be my best friend that never lets me down and is always by my side as well as my breath that is of course also very cool companion.

So from now on I will be setting all my visions, goals and tasks in writing which will assist me in solidifying and stabilizing myself. Every day in the evening I will overview the past occurrences in the same day and prepare the plan for the the following day. I am also opening a special private blog where I am to write all the brainstorming and specific writing about my personal and professional life. No more thinking as I have realized that thinking is too abstract, too fast and it easily distracts me from what I want to achieve in my life.

Suggested related audio to listen:
In Fear of the Future

Day 133: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

Couple of years ago I discovered recordings of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares television series. The main star is a chef Gordon Ramsay and the mission is to within one week convert a failing restaurant into a successful business. I become inspired about Gordon since he does not fear to say what he has noticed to be the cause of the unsuccessful business. He is fair about his observations, does not prejudge, listens firstly carefully, does detailed research, observes and communicates and then only faces the troublemakers with the facts. In order to get to the person, he is not afraid of speaking loudly, shouting and using the F word. His approach proved to be very successful so he became a sort of a role model to me. It reminds me on Bernard Poolman who also supported people effectively by using very loud and direct voice if necessary.

Lately I started to watch Gordon's TV series again and discovered his additional series. In order to research what contributed to development of his intense character, I found out by reading Gordon Ramsay's Wikipedia page that he had a violent alcoholic father, they moved a lot and his initial football career was full of injuries and disappointments. Gordon's face also looks swollen and capable of receiving strong punches. While in his shows he assisted many people, his cooking perfectionism and short temper are quite concerning. I enjoy watching his shows however they seem to me over dramatized and do not show all the important life perspectives in order to gain full awareness about how this world system actually operates.

What I learned from Gordon and Bernard is that standing up and facing others with their bullshit is very important to achieve a personal transformation. I have for too long been afraid of speaking up due to having a father with a short temper that resulted in me developing as introverted person. So it is time for me to step up and take charge of my life. Only if I develop fearlessness I will be able to assist others. However I realized that supporting others in such intense way can not be faked. One needs to developed a high level of self-honesty in order not to pre-judge others and support them as one and equal. And what is the most important is to teach by your own example.

However what I miss at Gordon's approach is hiding the bigger picture. For example in his shows he analyzes and fixes failed restaurants and hotel in just several days. The breaking point is when his design team magically refurbishes the interior of the business over night into a fresh and appealing space. However they do not explain the details about where does the money come from, how come that architectural transformation can be done is such quick time and if the business owners are then bound to pay for the renovation. So this is generally the problem with the public display where only the shocking details are exposed and then how mystically one hero is turning the situation around like he is a sort of god or magician.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to investigate what is behind the scenes of every situation that I face in my life. I realize that thinks do not just magically function and that there are many dimensions involved in order for some structure to exist and operates. When and as I observe some organization and my mind starts to produce thoughts that things in this world are just he way they are and that is is not for me to mess with them, I stop and breathe. I commit myself to become a detective of life and to investigate every detail about how this existence works in order to gain full perspective and awareness that will enable me to be effective in making this world the best place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in watching TV series where the shows are specifically edited in a way to create emotions and to present only several perspectives of the situation in order to not question the current global system. I realize that reality is much more complex and that if I am to live in this world effectively, I have to know as many details as possible. When and as want to relax and my mind would invite me to watch some entertaining TV show, I stop such thoughts and breathe. Instead I rather get a book that would expand my awareness, like autobiography of a person that I admire in order to become familiar with all the timeline that resulted into creation of a particular character.

Day 132: Demolition of the invisible wall

Lately I have been bumping into invisible wall. I am not referring to a vertical structure that prevents me from accessing a specific location, but a mental wall, composed of a thoughts and emotions that prevents me from performing specific tasks that are needed in order to achieve certain business goals. These tasks are part of a direct sales activities and are such as generating leads, making phone calls, scheduling meetings, executing presentations, making sales, asking for referrals and following up. All these are simple physical activities that do not require big muscles, however they are strongly related to mental activities. Thus my challenge is to penetrate the invisible wall in my mind.

I have been engaging in many different sales activities in the past and I have been one of the most successful salesman, earning high commissions. So what has changed, what is now the difference? Well firstly the media is full of information about financial crisis. There are constantly reports about how government is facing a money deficit, how cuts and savings are necessary, how even banks do not have enough money, so constantly the media programming about how there is not enough money for even the basic needs of the people, let alone to be able to afford more valuable product like I am currently selling. Consequently my mind if producing thoughts that there is no point of even trying to make any sales since no one will buy as there is not enough money.

Secondly as one of the most prominent patterns is my accepted and allowed character that I play within relationship with my father. He wanted for others to consider him as a loving father that takes care for the basic needs of the family and protects his children from all the evil of this world. Thus me and my brother were not allowed to go out in the evenings and at weekends in order not to make friends with peers that possess bad habits and consequently start indulging in drugs and alcohol. And then he also started with family business where I have been executing work task on the computer as I have been instructed by him. So my life survival tactics have been developed in form of a person who is quiet, waits for instructions of others and then the money comes automatically and mysteriously as the reward for doing what I was told to.

The third thing is that I am selling a new product with high value that requires a lot of sales steps and managing a lot of information. Previously I did a small orders for just few clients and when there would be no orders, I would take break for several hours or even several days. I started to enjoy such free time where no one demanded nothing from me. Now I am developing a much larger business with network of hundred of salesman and many thousand clients that will need to be managed basically for all my life. This requires a robust information management system and a constant overview and situational awareness of all the business points in any time in order for the business to develop properly. So comparing to my previous life style, the new business venture looks like a suicide mission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as character of obedient and humble person that waits for the orders from my father and immediately executes any given task and then stops moving after the task is completed. I realize that while I am still doing some tasks for my father and he is still consequently assisting me financially, such relationship is not supportive for my life and prevents me from acting as independent person and manifesting my own projects. I commit myself to live my own life as my father does not exist anymore and as he does not support me financially anymore and to generate my own sources of income by building my own business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the media news about the financial crisis and lack of money. I realize that media is focused on the shocking negative perspectives of society in order to generate attention and also to infuse fear into the public since the media owners have their own agenda that is not for the benefit of all. I commit myself to when engaging in sales activities to proceed with sales steps without any imagination about how much money the person that I am contacting currently possesses. My mind is not able to know the financial situation of any person before I actually ask them and receive a reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by managing a large organization one will have less free time to relax and do fun things. I realize that any owner of a business is able to hire professional managers that can run the organization effectively and thus creating a lot of free time for the owners. I commit myself to when and as my mind would enter a state of overwhelmingness to breathe, slow down, assist myself with writing and move forward with digestible steps. There will always be ways to solve any problem if one moves with the speed of the physical breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to use the tool of speaking and writing whenever I bump into the invisible wall of my mind. I realize that the mind will constantly create new walls in order to prevent me from moving forward and that they will not disappear on their own in time, but will exist and persist until I face them meticulously and deconstruct them brick by brick, thought by thought until the mind runs out of bricks and then only will I be free to move anywhere without any limitations.