Day 209: Too much on my shoulders

I have been making myself busy as far as I remember and I never get bored. In the initial years of my life, it was my parents who directed most of the things that I was doing, also because we had our own family business. Later I decided to break away and express myself as a professional creative in the field of visual communications. After relationship conflicts made me start reflecting on myself my priorities changed dramatically. In the last couple of decades, I have become more and more selective about what I do and what are the expected outflow consequences of my actions. I carefully decide how to spend every single moment of my life and do my best to contribute to changing this world into what is best for all life. However, a couple of weeks ago I started to feel pain in my shoulder area which is the indication that I fell out of my usual inner balance. So the purpose of this blog post is to gain awareness of what is going on inside of me and to make necessary corrections in order to regain inner harmony.

About a year ago I joined a global movement that resonated with me greatly. Amongst all of the organizations that discovered so far, I estimated that it has the potential to bring the biggest positive change to this world. So I decided to make myself useful in the best way I could considering my abilities. I started to develop a local chapter for that organization which involved the creation of a website and pages, channels, and groups on several social networks, developing a CRM system, and building a mailing list. A lot of work was also with translation from English to Slovenian language. That organization is producing daily news report videos in the length of around 15 minutes and to translate just one of them and to publish it on our website as an article and to then share it on the social networks, takes me around 6 hours. And there are also long Zoom videos that I translate and are from one to even two hours long which takes me a couple of days to translate.

Just in terms of translation, I wonder about the impact and the point of doing such work. It is hard for me to estimate how many Slovenians will benefit from my translations and how it would impact my nation in the long term. The population of our country is just around 2 million which is relatively small compared to some countries where our whole country would fit just in one district of one of their cities. This alone makes me wonder about the point of us having our own language and why do we not adopt English as our main language. In regards to this, some say that the Slovenian language is one of the oldest if not the oldest language on this planet, very similar to Sanskrit and that all the other continental languages developed from it. However, since we are all now communicating globally with increased speed, different languages have become points of separation. And those of us who are in non-English speaking countries have so much additional work to do and spend so much time just with translations that we have much less time to do other things. So just because some countries have implemented English as their main language, they can invest much more time in developing projects and can achieve more than others.

But there are also some benefits from doing translations. When reading, listening, or watching one integrates information just to a certain level. However if one is doing a translation of a body of information, they slow down, take information apart and assemble it again which results in the information being integrated and understood with much more detail and clarity. So while the translation is a time investment for me, I also personally benefit from that process and my awareness expands. Since there is so much information it is of course not possible for me to translate it all and I already experimented with creating a team of translators that would assist with that task. There were some members from or local chapter that volunteered to also do the translations however I took the responsibility of then checking the result of their work. However, the process of me reviewing the translations and performing the edits that I found necessary took me approximately the same amount of time like if I would do the translations myself.

The occurrence of pain in my shoulder area correlates with me being invited into a new translators group on Telegram where I would assist also with doing translation of the content on the new websites related to the global movement that I am now part of. So it looks like I have started to imagine how my workload would significantly increase and that it would definitely be over my capacity. And besides doing the translations, I am currently administrating our website, Facebook page, two Telegram groups, and a channel, writing new website content, doing the graphic design, programming of the online forms, maintaining the CRM system, managing email campaigns for hundreds of subscribers to our newsletters and translations, and many more. I am investing on average over 10 hours of productive work all 7 days of the week to move things forward and it looks like I am doing 95% of all the work in our local chapter group. I have invited others to assist and to take on any of the things that are required to be done but not many responded. Not only that but some even expressed their concern that I am trying to take over our local chapter and use it for my personal benefits which is definitely not true. 

Other chapter members are holding onto many different excuses and justify why they do only as much or nothing as demonstrated so far. Some are busy with their regular jobs and family, some think that our mission is just to wait for the funding from the new global monetary system and then only engage in developing projects, some have concerns and doubts that the movement is legit and that what has been promised will actually be manifested. I cannot blame them since even I in the past joined many groups and movements that promised a lot and delivered a little. There are so many scams going on and we are in times where we are hearing almost nothing but lies on a daily basis from all the mainstream media. So I understand that many have trust issues and struggle with motivation to be part of some group and collaborate productively. Well from my perspective it is the responsibility of every individual to check all the available information, to make use of their intuition, and then decide whom to trust and whom not. I am ready for even the most trustworthy movement that I join to at some point fall apart and to eventually be exposed as deception. However, it makes more sense to me to at least contribute something to things that I currently see as most valid instead of wanting the proof and warranty that things are 100% reliable and that nothing can go wrong. They say a doubt can sink a ship so all the members need to maintain a high level of trust in order to be able to focus on what matters and move towards the goal.

Following the initial ranting and raving, I now progress towards the writing of the specific self-correction statements which I then speak out loud in order to shatter the crystallized mind patterns in my shoulder area that started to create friction and consequent pain in my human physical body tissue:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus on doing the translations by myself due to the belief that there is very little hope of finding high-quality translators to do the volunteer work instead of systematically working every day to find them. I realize that whatever my mind is creating as an excuse in order to keep me in the same pattern is pure self-deception. I commit myself to when and as I have a translation project to complete and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Better to do the translation by yourself since all the good translators are already very busy with translating other things and you will not succeed to get them on board as volunteers so best to wait until you will start becoming financed.” to stop and breathe. I then move myself every single day in order to send inquiries to translators and see how they will actually respond.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend most of my time on the local chapter development projects tasks execution due to my enjoyment in combining my skill of graphic design, website development, and English language instead of developing skills of project management and delegating tasks to others. I realize that I am moving towards projects becoming larger and more complex so it is necessary to work on team building since it is not possible to do everything by myself. When and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just do as much as you can do by yourself and wait for others to find their own motivation to join the team and let them equally take initiative in researching what needs to be done and then work on tasks independently.” to stop and breathe. I then move out of my comfort zone of not wanting to communicate much with others, invest time in exciting others for the projects and direct them towards the practical development of the projects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define translations of uncensored news as a very important component for the organic growth of our mailing list and to mostly focus on sharing translation teasers on online social networks. I realize that there are more effective ways of expanding the email subscription base since a relatively small percentage of all the social network group members have subscribed so far. I commit myself to when and as my mind is producing thoughts like: “Just keep sharing the translation teasers on social networks and trust the fate that the right people will join.” to stop and breathe. I then slow down and take time to research best practices of how to create a big mailing list and measure the effects in order to find out what works best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the technology as a buffer between myself and other people due to seeing others as not taking responsibility for their mental processes to the level of becoming able to communicate with me as one and equal. I realize that I am allowing my past traumatic experiences of being bullied and treated unfairly by others to hold me back from connecting with people on a more personal level. I commit myself to when and as I am considering working with others and my mind is producing thoughts like: “Rather communicate with the others via social networks and emails so that you can quickly block anyone that has become possessed by the polarised patterns of thinking.” to stop and breathe. I then decide to develop a more intimate relationship with people and maintain the high self-trust that I will be able to direct the communication by empowering others to align themselves with the principle of what is best for all.

For all who want to learn how to support themselves with writing, I suggest starting walking the

DIP Lite free online course.

And here are some links to supportive audios from Eqafe related to this blogs post that I also suggest you listen to:

Biting off More than You can Chew

Under pressure

My Life as a Bossy Perfectionistic Control-Freak

Who am I as Control

Developing Communication and Expanding Relationships

Everything Must Be Just So

Avoiding People

Lead as an Example in Your Business

Physical Communication

Day 134: Correcting myself for the better future

In the past several weeks I have been experiencing increased resistance to read and write. Soon after I would start using computer and check email and social messages, I would start indulging in YouTube videos, mostly war related, especially with sniper or tank ingredient. Also when checking FaceBook timeline I would get distracted by news, especially about technological advancements in robotics and military equipment. This would increase anxiety and fear about the future where some are predicting the start of World War III in 2016 and Elon Musk is warning about development of artificial intelligence that will wipe out the whole humanity. With all the global video and internet surveillance I have become quite worried about the future of humanity. With all the information overflow I am asking myself if I should follow the technological development and risk of becoming introduced also to the possible negative effects that creates anxiety or if I should ignore all the news all together and enjoy the peace of my ignorant mind.

So in order to distract myself from worrying I watch action movies on YouTube, till midnight or even a bit longer. I want to to forget about the unpleasant reality of this world. This resulted in postponing my business tasks so unanswered emails and contacts that need to be digitized started to accumulate. Consequently also the money income became more compromised and that created even more anxiety. Thinking about what is solution to this problem I came to conclusion that it would be best for me not to follow all sort of social media posts since it is mostly negative and depressing. I have remove the fear of missing out something important. There is so many information out there and it is constantly being produced in more larger quantities every day. One simply can not keep peace of the mind if it is constantly bombarded with all sorts of news. Selection is needed in order to absorb only the programming that is supportive for the personal development.

What I have also not done in the past weeks is to support myself with writing. Sure I did a lot of vlog, one in Slovenian language each of the past 320 days and also one per week in English language. However I see that no tool can assist in calming the mind as effectively as writing. So I commit myself to write each day in order to become aware about what I am doing and to have the ability correct myself. My priorities will be development of my business projects that have also the effect of improving this world. So regardless of what will happen in the future, I will make best use of my available time here on Earth to make it into what is best for all. I will develop my personal skills, slow down and do what is necessary to make the projects happen. I have allowed myself too much to get easily distracted with all sorts of new ideas that my mind is constantly producing. I need to focus on one or very small number of projects and persist in pushing them forward until they will become fruitful. Whenever I experience unrest, anxiety, overwhelmingness, fear, worry or similar feeling, I commit myself to immediately start writing and supporting myself. Writing will be my best friend that never lets me down and is always by my side as well as my breath that is of course also very cool companion.

So from now on I will be setting all my visions, goals and tasks in writing which will assist me in solidifying and stabilizing myself. Every day in the evening I will overview the past occurrences in the same day and prepare the plan for the the following day. I am also opening a special private blog where I am to write all the brainstorming and specific writing about my personal and professional life. No more thinking as I have realized that thinking is too abstract, too fast and it easily distracts me from what I want to achieve in my life.

Suggested related audio to listen:
In Fear of the Future

Day 126: Group chatting self-judgement

While I had a group IRC chat the other day I noticed a quick unconscious reaction of self-judgement that would also manifest as a pinching irritation on the skin around my genitalia. So I decided to stop and transform this pattern since the manifested consequences on my physical body are far from desirable.

The nature of IRC chat is that things move very fast. Many people participate, some write more, some less and some are mere observers. Within that there are also some participant that I value more since they possess certain skills, wide awareness and have walked the process of self-realizations many years more than I. Thus I developed a respect which manifests as fear about how they see me and what they will say to me. 

During the chat I would follow the conversation and read the feeds from all the participants. Then I would have to decide if and what post to comment and what to say. The feeds move so fast that if I would write extensive comment, amounting to several sentences,  after posting it, I would have to go back and read all the post feeds from others that have been posted during me writing my comment. This pressures me in terms of making me mostly write only short comments in order not to miss reading posts of others.

However when I want to write a short comment, I have to decide what words to write in order to express myself fully while at the same time avoiding unclarity or misunderstanding when others would read what I wrote. This forces me to carefully pick the words that have the exact meaning of what I want to say and obviously in this I am limited with my current English vocabulary. Thus if I want to improve my English word expression, I will have to expand my vocabulary.

Interesting than that when I would write a short comment, I would start asking myself if my comment was clear enough and within that a self-judgement would trigger where I would claim to myself that what I have written was not specific and clear. Energy of anger towards myself would trigger and an itching feeling on my genital skin would manifest that make me scratch that area in order to release the irritating feeling.

So if I look into that pattern and ask myself, what are the components that contribute to this reaction, I can conclude that they are:

• perfectionism
• desire to be praised
• impatience
• laziness
• self-abdication
• projection
• fear of judgement
• valuing others more than me
• lack of self-trust
• lack of focus
• desire for entertainment
• bordom
• criticism
• comparison
• competition
• self-judgement
• fear of punishment
• feeling of being trapped
• overwhelmingness
• envy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards other chat participants who have been participating several years longer than me and have developed better communications skills that I currently possess. I realize that each person possesses different skills with different levels of perfections so it pointless to compare yourself towards others and create polarity relationships of being more or less towards others. I commit myself that within group communication I express myself in my unique way, according to the skills that I currently possess and I commit myself to invest time in developing my communications skills so that I will be more effective in fast and accurate live writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after posting a comment to anticipate the responses of others and look forward to the positive responses where other will affirm that what I have written is true and correct. I realize that by acting in this way I create attachment to what I have written and am not able to be present in this very moment and am thus not focused what is happening now. I commit myself to after I write a comment to then immediately leave it where it is and then move on by reading what others have written so I can be fully present within the flow of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the group chat value the comment from certain people more since they are in certain organizational position and execute particular function. So when I would read the comment from others I would look who wrote the comment and if someone that I do not know very good would comment, I would not place any big value to it, however if someone comment that I know well to be in particular position, I would consider it more valuable. Consequently if someone that I value more would give me a negative comment, I would feel fear and if they would give a positive comment, I would be proud and content. I realize that such relationship of labeling comment more and less valuable creates separation where I would make the source of the comment more important than the actual message. I commit myself that within group chats, I do not place any particular value on the source of the message, but to consider each comment or post equally and then investigate it from the perspective of common sense and the message that author wanted to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define IRC chats as primitive and boring since there is no sound and pictures. So when the chat would start, I would become impatient and restless and seek some sort of entertainment like browsing social media or similar. I realize that IRC chats are effective way of group communication since they are low in bandwidth consumption, very stable, without distractive elements, small in storing chat logs and practical for keyword searching. I realize that by engaging in additional entertainment forms during IRC chats that I loose focus and do not follow the conversation effectively. I commit myself that during group chats to fully focus on the text feed and actively participate in the conversation. By actively engaging in contributing the content, I emerge into the dynamics of conversation that than becomes interesting and consequently also the time within chat moves very quickly.

I forgive myself that I gave accepted and allowed myself to in case of extensive contributions in form of comments and perspectives of the participants in the IRC group chats to become overwhelmed by the quantity of information and thus create anxiety. I realize that by allowing thoughts and emotions to emerge during my attempt to follow the conversation flow, the mind is only redirecting my attention from what is here to the backchat which makes me loose the focus on what is here. Thus I commit myself to pay attention on the chat, breathe effectively and read all the text that is being displayed which in fact is not so much that I would need to leave out any of the sections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the group chats to be something that I am forced to participate in and that I actually want to do something else. I realize that I actually enjoy the self-realization process that the group provides and that I find it very supporting and in time also very entertaining and fascinating. I commit myself to when I participate in the group chat to cherish the valuable opportunity of participating in such a cool supportive group, based on honesty and what is best for all.

Related audios to listen:

Comparison, Judgement and Competition

How do I Stop Punishing Myself?

2012 Urgency for slowing myself down

I experience myself overwhelmed with assignments in my life lately. The quantity of information to handle became so large, that I lost track of what to do. I got involved in too much projects that require my attention so I will have to do something to be able to handle everything. I talked about that with some of my friends today that gave me some very supportive suggestions. I will need to get grip of my life, become more disciplined and direct myself more effective.

When I look back at where I picked my current behavior patterns that make me to hurry constantly, I see that I picked this up in our family business where my role was to create graphic designs with computer and I was pushed by my father to work faster and faster on daily basis. In time new computers came and I was able to work even faster but even that was not fast enough. I have been bullied by my father and brother that I work to slow, that I needed to press those keys quicker and move the mouse swifter. And even though the fastest person that would come for test work would work by only half of my speed, I would still be perceived as working to slow. Thus I allowed myself to be pushed due to fear that I would not be liked if I work any slower.

The next related point is that when I would have to write something, I would use computer in order to create text faster and that the file could be searched for on the computer. I hardly wrote anything by hand in past 20 years except of my signature that is also a very ineligible sign. I observed some calligraphers and admired their ability for gorgeous scripts however at the same time I would thought how incredible waste of time this is and how this time could be used to do something much more productive. Thus my mind was and still is very restless due to constant estimation how thing could be done faster, quicker, swifter, more effective and productive, by investing as much time and creating as large quantity of products as possible.

Similar point is wanting to finish some job from start to finish as quicker as possible and then enjoying my free time to the fullest. So for example if someone would assign me some project, I would immediately put myself into action and I would work almost without break until I would finish this project and release it to the customer. And right after that I would stop being active and engage in enjoyable activities like resting, watching TV, hiking in the woods or something until the next order would appear. So I would do any job that came to me but generally enjoyed a free time and wanted to be free, without any long term obligations.

Now recently I have been exposed to some behavior patterns that a very successful people do and it is all the way around like I have been doing things in my life. For example it is suggested to write all things down with a blue ink on white paper and use computers as little as possible. This is because when writing by hand brain is stimulated very differently like when typing and one can remember a lot more when writing with pen then when pressing the keyboard. This is in so great contrast with my current habits that experience a great resistance towards starting to write by hand regularly. However it seems that this is something that I will have to do in order to slow my mind down and be able handle all the information and plan all things in my life successfully.

There is also a habit recommended in regards to using e-mail and social networks. Usually I have been checking e-mails and FaceBook messages many time per day, so many times that I am not able to come with a figure. It could be 20 or even 50 times per day. My computer is constantly on, day and night and I have been basically spending time on the computer from morning to evening, unless I would go out shopping on attending some events and meetings. I would use computer for business, for private chats, for watching TV news and entertaining movies, so basically I can not imagine my life without a computer. It is like a window to outer world, to the whole world, where I am connected with everyone and everything. Without it I am like isolated and cut off from others.

However I learned that computers can not replace face to face chats, and personal meetings are very important for successful private life as for a successful business. I became aware of that especially when I started to work in direct sales, since only meetings in flesh are where most of business deals are made and this is a rule that would probably never be broken. Computers, internet and phones do make some information exchange much easier and faster, but the big money is still made only in the industries that use personal touch, like direct sales. This is because when talking to people face to face, the level of dedication, attention and intimacy in communication is so high that it can not be replaced by even most sophisticated technological interface.

So from constantly hurrying, running towards the future and using other people just to get money and then enjoying the good feelings, I will have to learn how to slow myself down, reduce use of the computer, start planning my life with extensive use of pen and paper, dedicate a lot of time for personal meetings with other people and then patiently follow up and follow through with everybody with my sincere interest in order to build a strong bond and connection with as many people as possible. It is time to stop living in my fast moving mind where things are impossible to manage and live here in the physical, treating everyone as one and equal. It will be a tuff job to break those patterns but this is the only way to get rid of the current problems in my life. So let's do it.
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